tramp, I’m awed that not only did you (apparently) make it out of Gigli alive, you were even able to think about food afterward.
Alright… A new day has dawned-actually two new days- since I saw Gigli and still I am haunted by the memory of that crap.
Remember when I said it would be better and more entertaining just take $8 and light a match to it? Well it would actully be more fun and less painful to take $8, douse it in kerosene and met it ablaze letting the whole thing burn your hand off. No, seriously.
I know it has been said before, but I will say it again for emphasis… This movie is not so bad its funny, it is so bad its bad. Really bad.
So I conned a friend of mine into going with me but we had to first build up our tolerence to bad movies. So Friday night we watched Battlefield Earth and Saturday afternoon we watched Bicentennial Man. We thought we would be immune to the stinky powers of Gigli after surviving another showing of those two movies but we were wrong.
I’d like to give away the plot here to save anyone from having to see it but there wasn’t really one to speak of. I mean there was a bunch of stuff going on but none of it seemed to have much to do with anything else. It was kind of like you put a J-Lo video, Chasing Amy, Rainman, a few magazine cutouts of Christopher Walken and Al Pacino and a pound of dog shit in a blender, blended it and poured it on to a movie screen.
J-Lo is cast as a lesbian hitman. Now, correct me if I’m wrong here, this flick would have been #1 in the box office for weeks if we had actually seen J-Lo get some lesbian lovin’ but there is none. In fact, the only other lesbian in the movie is a crazy pyscho lesbian who slits her wrists probably because she realizes that she is in this crapfest of a movie and there is no other way out.
Ben is cast as the least believable hitman ever as Gigli. There is some running gag about no one being able to pronounce it but apparently it rhymes with “really”. They should have named this movie Jiggly. A movie named Jiggly that shows J-Lo getting it on with another chick… box office gold I tells ya!
Gigli has to kidnap some handicapped kid for some unbelievable reason. The kid is retarded. No wait, he has Tourette’s. No he’s autistic! Yeah that’s it… no wait maybe he’s just a little slow… Oh whatever, by this kid’s 50th morphing handicap I was ready to hide my head in the popcorn bag. Then J-Lo shows up as Ricky to watch over Ben and the kid for another completely unbeliveable reason.
Now there’s all this hot, sexual tension (yeah right!) but both Ben and J-Lo seem to have come down with a bad case of diarrhea of the mouth. Every time they open their mouth some vulgar, obscene thing comes out usually in reference to sex. It seems like the director is trying to shock us like “Ohmigod are they talking about a boy’s wee wee and a girl’s hoo-ha like that? Oh my!” but it actually just comes off being stupid, contrived and boring. I mean there’s some line in there about Ben’s penis sneezing that would have been mildly funny if it had been used in another movie and by another actor .
Christopher Walken and Al Pacino show up to pay their respects to this trainwreck but if you happen to reach down for your soda and take your eyes off the screen for a second, you’ll miss them.
Then finally when you reach the end, your big payoff for sitting through this “film” is that the pyscho lesbian cuts herself up and J-Lo and Ben hop into bed. This is the obvious ending because all lesbians are either (1) pyscho or (2) not really lesbians until they meet Ben Affleck and his penis sneezes at them in their general direction.
So is this movie worse than Battlefield Earth? Not really but if you can believe it, it is much stupider. It definitely is worse than Bicentennial Man. It is also worse than any of the other J-Lo flick’s I’ve been lucky enough to see. It is also worse than Glitter. That’s right… worse than Glitter.
I must be confused by the rocks that she got, because Jenny from the Block sucks as an actress. She should either stop making crap like this or just get it over with and make some porno.
Ugh.
Tramp, can I recommend you for a reviewing job? (Ummm, after I recommend myself for one?)
Haha, not if I’d have to watch crap like this.
I’m repressing the memories of Gigli so I totally forgot to include anything about “turkey time” in my review. Memories of the film are slowly trickling to the surface this morning and making me feel like I want to kneel before the toilet and dry heave until I have purged myself of any memory of the movie.
So near the end when J-Lo and Ben finally do it, J-Lo spreads those legs and tells Ben “Its turkey time, gobble gobble.”
At this moment Ben Aflleck even looks mystified.
My friend and I are mystified.
The other occupants of the theater (3 teenaged girls) are mystified.
It doesn’t make any sense. It is a completely random line. WTF? “Turkey time”? Is that some sort of lesbian slang for oral sex?
I called upmy boyfriend after the movie and asked him…
“Sweetie, if I said it was turkey time, what would you think I was talking about?”
“Uhhhh… Thanksgiving?”
Blech. Gigli is a turkey indeed. A rotten turkey. A rotten turkey whose foul taste I still have in my mouth. Yuck.
Tramp you’re very brave. You displayed true heroism. I appreciate your selfless act of sacrifice for your fellow Dopers.
wipes tear from eye
Write a letter to the studio, ask for your $8 back and see what happens.
but tramp! Did you like it?
Yeah, I liked it about as much as being bent over a desk and plowed from behind with a spikey dildo… no wait, I liked it less than that.
I haven’t seen the movie, but I’ve heard enough to know that my favorite line is “Moooooooooooooooooo.”
Tramp please explain Pepper’s “Mooooooo.” I assume it’s part of the “me bull, you cow” dialogue, but please expand on that just a little.
Otherwise, between the “moooo” and “gobble, gobble” I’m thinking the film contains a subliminal version of “Old McDonald Had a Farm”.
With a mooooo here, and a gobble, gobble there…
Ah yes, moo.
Lying there, after just converting a lesbian and having “turkey time” Ben leans over to J-Lo and says “Moo.”
Moooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo.
Now I really can’t wait for the MST3K version! 
Actually, they didn’t have Turkey Time. They just had plain old straight Humping with J-Lo on top. And to add insult to injury, she kept all her clothes on. Bah. If I’m going to see an R-rated movie starring a pop diva, the least I expect is a shot of her naked boobies.
Now that is adding insult to injury.
Well there was implied turkey time… She said turkey time… And yeah, you don’t get to see any boobies… Just a hint of nips.:mad:
She said “Turkey time,” he responded with an uncomprehending stare, she replied “gobble gobble” (as if to say “gobble, get it? Moron.”), then she taunted him to prove how superior “heterolingus” was, whereupon he balked and said, “Uh, well, er, I mean, you’re probably right, a woman would know better how to please a woman, what with her being a woman and all,” and then she said “Get over here” and proceeded to hump him with her clothes on.
There was no pelvo-cranial inversion involved.
Need to wash my brain. Need to wash my brain.
For some reason, I got so used to seeing them just standing and posing for pictures, I never really thought… er, I never pictured…
The mannequins were making out! Humping mannequins! EwWwWw.
That’s hysterical. I really want to see this movie now.
No, no you don’t.
Remember, it is not so bad it is funny… it is so bad it is baaaaaaaaaaaaad.
Memories keep haunting me… I close my eyes and all I can see is the little retarded kid calling some weather lady… Gigli’s mom in a thong… psycho lesbian’s cutting themselves… turkey time… J.Lo’s yoga positions… make it stop… mommy!
You mean where she extolled the virtues of her pussy?