Nava, I hope you’ve cut her off from any additional borrowing. I don’t think it’s necessarily wrong to point out (and be mad about) obvious high end luxuries being bought while having debts to your family.
In the OP’s case, though, it strikes me as pretty negative to suggest that his sister miss out on a family event because of her debts. This assumes that she is otherwise reasonable and responsible with her money, if she blows money like this all the time, I’d be willing to adjust my thinking about it.
I think the sister has been put in a terribly awkward spot. She pretty much has the choice of attending, and spending money she owes to the OP, or not attending and disapointing her father for the sole reason that she owes money to the OP. OP, do you really want to force the sister to tell the father that the reason she can’t go is because of debt to you? Would that really solve a problem here?
Given that they are virtually forced to attend, because not attending would be socially unacceptable and implicate a sibling in the drama, I don’t begrudge them enjoying it.
I think it was quite rude to plan a trip which was not well within financial reach for everyone, but that ship has sailed (ha!) and it doesn’t seem to be the OP’s fault it ended up that way. While he might have spoken up at an earlier stage to say why it wasn’t a good idea, it seems that the final say rested elsewhere.
Oh yes. So have the Bros, equally offended by that and a couple of similar expenses. We’ll fix stuff for her or handle having it fixed (including, if necessary, both dealing with the insurance company and paying for the tradesman), Littlebro will advance her his monthly payment (he eats lunch with her every weekday and pays for his share of the food), but she’s not being lent money again, nor are we taking her on vacation (that’s another area where she has very much burned us out).
As you and Hello Again point out, the OP’s case is “rock and a hard place”: I can see needing to vent to someone, though, and it sure is better to do it here than some place where it might get to the sister.
I’m sure if you just pull out the loan agreement and point out the place where it says she must pay back the loan before she goes on any vacations, she will have agree with you. You can’t argue with a written agreement. You have a written loan agreement, right? Or is the part aboiut repaying the loan before taking any vacations just something you dreamed up unilaterally, but feel she should conform to?
I’ve been in your exact same shoes, and I have to say, I think you’re looking at it the wrong way. The 10/90 split you attribute might be true, but that reflects what’s important to her. You need to focus on what is important to your dad. You need to suck it up and enjoy what it’s going to mean for your dad. Like I said, I’ve been there. Repeatedly. And will be again this June.
Chessic, I know this sounds completely passive agressive and you can take it or leave it, but maybe you can speak with your sister and let her know that since the vacation is costing you a fair amount of money, you need to know when she’ll be able to pay back that money you lent her.
Chessic: Hey sis! Excited about the cruise?
Chess-Sis: Hells yeah!
Chessis: Yeah, the only thing that sucks is that it’s kind of expensive. I’m pretty broke after paying for my own ticket and travel expenses, and I’ve got some more expenses coming in soon. Any idea when you’ll be able to pay me back that money I lent you? If you let me know when you can pay it back, that’ll help me arrange my finances for the next year.
That way, you’re not telling her that you don’t want her to come on the cruise, but perhaps she’ll put 2 and 2 together and realize that the people who lend her money also have their own expenses. I’m gonna take a WAG and assume that she thinks you and your brothers have deep pockets!
Good luck, and have a great time on the cruise. Every time you look at your sister and think of how much money she owes you, take a second to look at the smile on your dad’s face and try to put a price on it.
Well, I’m back from the cruise. It went surprisingly well. For all the ways it could have gone wrong, nothing did. The entire plan worked to perfection. My dad was incredibly happy to see us all. He mentioned that he knew I was coming somehow, but he didn’t think the rest would make it. Much merriment ensued.
Thing is, though, I do have deep pockets. I make about 5 times what she makes. The whole time, people were buying drinks for each other, so money was moving around a lot. But when we got the room charges at the end, my dad’s bill was $300 (for two people). Mine was $150. My brothers? $10. My sister’s? $15. Turns out, they didn’t buy us a single drink the entire time we were there. Dad and I basically got them drunk the whole time.
When it came time to pay for gas and parking, my brother bitched the whole time. “What, you need more money from me?”, he’d say. And it turns out, my sister didn’t pay for any of it either. When I found that out, my brother goes “Yeah, that was my money she paid with. So now she owes me two thousand and fifteen dollars.”
But whatever. We’re all family. It was fun in the end. I guess that’s all I can ask for, right?
Sounds very much like she couldnt afford to be there in the first place.
I imagine it would be very unpleasent to have to put on a smiley face and spend money you dont have on a simple social situation. How much fun do you think she had, unable to even afford buying a few drinks? I bet she had a fucking whale of a time.
I dont know all the details of course, but who the hell put her in that position? I bet she needed to spend money on a cruise like she needed a hole in the head, but she did it, and her reward is even more bitching from her family.
The next family event you are all organising, try not to make it a stay in a five star hotel in Monte Carlo.
How’s this for a kick in the nuts? My brother is getting furloughed next week due to the government closure, so he doesn’t want to pay me the $560 that I fronted him to go on the plane and then cruise. So now I’m out that money, at least temporarily, and I really need it because, surprise! I’m getting furloughed, too! So we’re in the same job boat, but possession being 9/10ths, I can’t get him to pay me what he owes.
And we’re back to my earlier anecdotal advice: “This is exactly why I had a contract with payment schedule drawn up when I borrowed money from my parents one time.”
With money, it’s either business or it’s family. If it’s family, in my experience, you are always fucked.
You should stop lending people money. If you want to give someone something, give generously and without strings. Until you’re able to do that, tell your siblings you can’t give them anything else.
I’m sorry, I can’t loan you money anymore. I can’t deal with the changes it makes to how we deal with each other. I’d prefer to be your brother rather than your banker.
Exactly. How much would you care that your sister and brother-in-law didn’t buy you a single drink during the whole cruise (knowing you make five times what they make) if they didn’t owe you money?
My dad died precisely a year ago at 54. In his memory I offer a hearty “FUCK YOU” for your petty little squabbles that, if you had things your way, would deny your own father and the rest of his family a lasting memory.
Sounds like you’ve already poisoned the memory of that trip for yourself if you came home bitching about a couple petty sawbucks spent on drinks. Were you buying drinks for each other or having a dick-measuring contest? Hope it makes you feel pretty. :rolleyes:
Unless I’m misunderstanding that particular snark, how does she owe more money after paying for something with money she already borrowed? Does taking a loan from the bank incur an additional 100% charge for every transaction for the duration of the loan? What line of work are you in that pays 5x anybody’s salary but doesn’t require rudimentary arithmetic or logic skills?
In conclusion what the fuck. Your priorities are seriously screwed up.
And I have no personal or private debt at the moment (well, a couple hundred on a credit card that I wipe out every month with money already in a checking account, my bank’s debit practices deserve a pitting of their own). I got no dog in this race. Just a random passerby who thinks, based on your own account, that you’re a self-important scumbag who measures his self-worth by his bank statement and is going to be very lonely later in life if this trajectory continue.
oh and – in all honesty, if you make the kind of scratch you’re claiming but suddenly need a lousy $560 because of the prospect of what, a month or two of furlough by even the most hysterically pessimistic estimates? You have no business criticizing anyone on their finances period. Stop loaning money and stop being a dick about it. Some things are more important.
And why do I get the feeling that IF his sis and BIL HAD bought drinks, he’d be bitching that they spent money on drinks for him, instead of the compound interest or whatever?
Frankly, my sympathies lie with Sis at this point. Sounds to me like Dad wanted to pay for drinks. Sounds to me like Dad is a better host than the OP.
Never lend money to people if this is the result. I also don’t get how the OP makes 5 times what Sis et al make, if BIL is in the same job.
