I'm gonig to destroy the Earth. Which method should I choose?

[Ludovic]

I just typed the magical keystroke combination and nothing happened at all, like everyone else. When can the lazy evil Bill Gates learn to finally make a produ

[Inigo_Montoya]

@What Exit?

Of course, we thought of this, it just would not work. As we all know from the thread dealing with the details specs on the “1920s Style Death Ray” is that they do not have the ability to scale up to a sufficient level to accomplish our goal here.

Doesn’t the 1920s Style Death Ray focus scalar energy to effect a kill without apparent damage to the target? I seem to recall that. If that’s the case then I think it would be almost completely useless. Unless by “destroy” you mean simply the destruction of life and not the disintegration of the planet itself.

[Lissa]

Nuke it from orbit. It’s the only way to be sure.

[What_Exit]

@Inigo Montoya

Doesn’t the 1920s Style Death Ray focus scalar energy to effect a kill without apparent damage to the target? I seem to recall that. If that’s the case then I think it would be almost completely useless. Unless by “destroy” you mean simply the destruction of life and not the disintegration of the planet itself.

That is true, but I understood it could also be configured as a heat ray to do physical damage. But limitations in building materials prevents this from being scaled up to a planet buster.

[Dragwyr]

@Terrifel

"Destroying the Earth"

The Effect:

Before your audience’s eyes, you destroy the Earth!

You will need:

–A handkerchief

–Two paper clips

–A rubber band

–The Earth

This trick takes a bit of preparation. First, cut the rubber band and tie one paper clip to each end. Attach one paper clip to the inside of your shirt cuff (long sleeves are necessary for this trick!) and hold the other paper clip discreetly between your thumb and forefinger. Now you are ready to destroy the Earth!

During casual conversation, announce to your friends that you have the power to destroy the Earth. Show them the Earth, and invite them to examine it closely. Then cover the Earth with a handkerchief. *As you do this, secretly lift one edge of the Earth and attach the other paper clip to it. * (Practice this in front of the mirror first.) Pull the handkerchief away, and at the same time let go of the paper clip. The rubber band will snap backward, pulling the Earth up your sleeve and out of your audience’s view! Done quickly enough, it will appear as though the Earth has really been magically “destroyed” in front of their very eyes!

You know, Copperfield did this on his last special. He had the entire front row of the audience examine the Earth and then he destroyed it, but I’m sure they were all in on the trick.

[Antinor01]

@Shirley Ujest

Nuts.
Beaten to the punch.
:::::Shakes fist:::::: Curse you, Antinor!

Let me enjoy it. It isn’t often that I get to make the obvious joke in this crowd, especially a Douglas Adams one.

[Finagle]

I guess the laziest approach would be to find a rock like this one, build a nuclear powered spaceship with enough oomph to gently thrust it into the proper trajectory to impact Earth. Repeat with as many near Earth objects as you can find over the course of a few hundred years.

Moving a single rock (like the moon or Mars) would accomplish the job in one shot but would be just too much like work.

[Tuckerfan]

@Mindfield

Ooh! Now that would be dazzling! Except for two things:

1. What would they bounce the Earth on?
2. In space, no one can hear you whistle Sweet Georgia Brown.
   P.S. I am Gonig. Weren’t you paying attention?

Eh, they could just pass the Earth around. I imagine that the Earth on the rubberband trick would be “interesting” to say the least.

[Mindfield]

@Tuckerfan

Eh, they could just pass the Earth around. I imagine that the Earth on the rubberband trick would be “interesting” to say the least.

Perhaps. But while we’re considering sports-like scenarios, maybe a Jimmy White-style pool shot might be cool. Bank the planet off a few other larger planets, whip it round a star’s orbit to finally sink it in a black hole. My only concern with this is that it might be too sedate for the audience to stick with it. A superbly executed cue shot might win points on technical merit, but the payoff would really only be worthy of a golf clap and a few nods. Not quite the break-the-tackle-and-spike-the-football moment I was looking for.

@Finagle

Moving a single rock (like the moon or Mars) would accomplish the job in one shot but would be just too much like work.

This really is key. I don’t want this mission to seem too much like work. It would just really kind of ruin the enjoyment of the payoff if, after all is said and done, I’m really just too worn out to bother watching. What would be the point then? Cheap 'n easy, that’s what we want here.

[Evil_Captor]

@What Exit?

I like the mutant gonad idea. It would just keep growing and expanding and consuming everything in its path, until finally the earth was consumed.

Let’s think TWO giant mutant gonads, one male, one female. Then let’s think about the distruction of the earth by …

wait for it …

even if you already know …
Snoo-Snoo!

[asterion]

@bigbabysweets2000

My favorite one that gave me a chuckle was method #3
*
#3 Sucked into a microscopic black hole [for destroying the Earth]

You will need: a microscopic black hole.*

I rather like:

#8 Destroyed by God
You will need: God

[Civil_Guy]

Well, we can at least wipe humanity off the face of the earth… but we’re all going to have to work together on this… Of course, the simplest way to pull this off will be the ‘do-nothing’ method - that is, we all give up sex and wait 100 years or so… but I forsee a lack of commitment to the goal… but there are other ways, if we just work together on this.

[Ranchoth]

@asterion

#8 Destroyed by God
You will need: God

Hmm…do you need Yahweh specifically, or could another one work just as well?

Or what if you, yourself, became a god?

[Seven]

How about just building a history eraser button?

A beautiful shiny button.

A jolly candy-like button.

[Ponder_Stibbons]

@Ranchoth

Hmm…do you need Yahweh specifically, or could another one work just as well?

Or what if you, yourself, became a god?

Well, really, any sufficiently ill tempered near omnipotent being with the power to destroy a planet will do.

[Inigo_Montoya]

Don’t! TOUCH! THAT! BUTTON!

[Elendil_s_Heir]

@What Exit?

…Ruin habitability for humans…
Ruin habitability for all current land mammals, birds and reptiles…
Blow up the planet leaving debris…
Vaporize the planet…

Well, we’re doing our damnedest on the first two already. The third and fourth might take a little longer, though. What’s your hurry?

[What_Exit]

@Elendil's Heir

Well, we’re doing our damnedest on the first two already. The third and fourth might take a little longer, though. What’s your hurry?

No hurry, I am actually hoping to help prevent the first two.

Jim

[Least_Original_User_Name_Ever]

@Inigo Montoya

Don’t! TOUCH! THAT! BUTTON!

Must…touch…nice…shiny…red…button…

[Ranchoth]

@Ponder Stibbons

Well, really, any sufficiently ill tempered near omnipotent being with the power to destroy a planet will do.

I’d reccomend angering a volcano deity—they might not have the power to destroy the entire planet, but a large enough eruption should be enough to severely screw up the climate, possibly leading to a mass extinction.

To that end…volcano gods like being fed virgins to placate their wrath, right? Therefore, I suggest sacrificing Paris Hilton or Annabel Chong to Mt. Tambora. That oughta piss it off.

Or, in the spirit of the season, and taking the example of a certain Rankin-Bass special, you might try ruining Christmas…for all of humanity. Not a bad start, at least—and Santa’s powerful enough, maybe you could trick him into destroying a “naughty” world.