There is some truth to it. But, again, everything is not black and white, no matter how strong an opinion one person or another may have.
When I was younger there were a lot more things I felt that way about. As I’ve gotten older I learned to look for both sides more and more.
Note that its not a justification for cheating. I don’t think cheating is probably ever “right”, but there are circumstances and feelings that are very real and significant that can lead down that path.
To be fair and honest, she doesn’t deny me sex. I could have it more often if I forced the issue. And I may get a peck of a kiss now and then, again primarily if I initiate. Or a hug when SHE is feeling down.
But I cannot remember the last time she gave me a passionate kiss. Literally it’s been years and years. Even after practically begging for it.
I understand the kid thing. The stress thing. The time thing. But showing love and affection doesn’t mean you have to move mountains all the time. At any point in time I would have been satisfied by the little things.
Not at all. I despise cheaters. If the OP would man up, end the marriage and move on, I wouldn’t say a thing.
Instead he doesn’t give his wife the respect to make her choice to stay or go. She thinks she is in a marriage, he is lying and cheating. Scummy is as scummy does.
I don’t believe she IS perfectly happy. Obviously. SHE said she is.
She is unhappy with herself physically. She’s pretty much said as much. She’s insecure and projected that on me when I tried to have a conversation with her.
But she’s not unhappy enough with herself to do something about it.
I would have accepted your described effort at some point. I still might. But its hard to listen to a broken record forever.
Is it possible to pack up the kids and go on a family vacation, however brief? Surprise her, make it an adventure, it would be good for all of you. Have some time together after the kids are tucked in, watching the moon and stars. It may also be an easy way to end the affair (I’d be mad, if I were the other one, kind of speaking from experience here).
I’ve been through two difficult divorces, with children. It was horrible. But we all survived, we are all much happier now.
OP. I am you. For all the same reasons. Every one of them.
I ended my very brief 3 month affair because of the kids, and because I didn’t like what I’d gotten myself into.
Eight years after, I left my email open on the family computer and my wife went snooping. We tried counseling, but the damage was done. She, and the kids, left me last April. I’m supposed to get the kids every second weekend, but lately it’s every weekend, since she apparently can’t cope. I have no problems with this; I love the kids with all my heart.
End it now. You’ll get over it and life will move on. Financially, it sucks, but everyone is much happier since we split. I wish I had pulled the plug earlier and moved in with my partner-in-crime, but she’s living with another guy now and I missed a perfect window of opportunity.
So, now I’m separated, lonely and coughing up half of my salary to her. My fault. Mea culpa.
I should have just bailed way back when. And, fellow dopers, don’t take this out solely on me. You have no idea the suffering, belittlement, and constant taking without giving she put me through.
Yeah, I was miserable, and yeah I was sticking it out for the kids. But I stopped the affair eight years previous and never would have been uncovered if I didn’t leave my email open. She actually went digging through it though, so you know, how wonderful is that?
I knew about 3 or 4 years into the marriage that this was not a great idea, but then we had kids and life happened and I assumed things would calm down. She was a compulsive spender and couldn’t dream of having any actual money in the bank. That’s what killed it for me, and then like your wife came the ridiculous weight gain: 70 pounds sounds about right.
She smokes: I don’t. I drink: she doesn’t. I like the outdoors: she doesn’t.
I do have to say at some point if you want your marriage to work you are going to have to tell her about the affair.
Lots of people are able to create a new, better marriage after an affair but you have to be willing to listen to the experts instead of your own beliefs. You have failed and yet you continue to think that your ideas about marriage are correct.
If nothing else go to a counselor to prepare you for the divorce.
Yes it is, if it’s that far gone. I was thinking more of a beach, Disneyland, something like that. When even a wonderful place isn’t fun due to the company, it’s time to get out. You both deserve the chance to be with someone who makes you happy. I very much regret the years I spent unhappily married.
Posting on a messageboard is not necessarily the best way to sort out your feelings. I would suggest that the OP start with some personal counseling. That way, he could discuss all of this with a neutral party instead of posting it on the internet where his wife could potentially find it. If it turns out this new woman is destined to be with him forever than he should find out sooner rather than later (although I would be skeptical of a woman who would cheat on her husband with a married man). He need sto find out what he really wants.
On a practical basis I am curious why does he “have” to tell her about the affair"? How is that going to help anything? All I can see it doing is putting the nail in the coffin once he opens his mouth.