It’s not often that I open up my personal life on here, but you all give great advice and have no hesitation about hitting me hard when I’m wrong. So here goes. I’ve been married for seven years. My wife was always a big girl. A few extra pounds; no problem for me. Fast forward seven years and she has put on 150 pounds since then. I have absolutely no physical attraction to her anymore. She has sensed this for the last few years and our marriage has been rocky.
Recently, I made the mistake of entering into an adulterous relationship. I can’t remember the last time the sex was like this; to actually have physical attraction to someone has fulfilled something in my life that was missing. I am infatuated with this other person, attracted to her in other ways, but have been around the block enough to know that it is probably due to the problems with my wife.
She found out about the relationship and I admitted everything, including the fact that her weight gain had put me off. She seemed to understand and said that she will “try” to lose weight if I can promise to be faithful and cut off all contact with the other person. I do love her and we have a daughter together (I say I love her, but I’m sure someone will dispute that due to this post). I want nothing but happiness for her, but I just can’t help but think that this situation has gone on too far to bring it back.
I can’t help but think that if she was in a terrible car accident and incapable of having sex, would the situation be different? More or less justified on my part? Selfishness?
Is there any hope? Should I even try? Am I an asshole for thinking this way?
I just want us both to do what will make each other happy and most importantly, my daughter happy, whatever that is. If I need to sacrifice good sex until and if she loses weight, then is that something that would be a healthy thing for all of us, or would it be better to throw in the towel?
Please don’t throw things at me
Was the only thing that changed about your wife her weight? I understand that your physical attraction to her disappeared with her weight gain, but her body is not the sum total of your wife. You made vows for richer, poorer, sickness, health, etc., but you seemed to think those vows were “Until something changes that I don’t care for.”
Having an affair because you aren’t attracted to your wife is not an honourable thing to do. If you really can’t stand being married to your wife any longer, you get a divorce, not some side nooky.
Yeah, your wife might lose a few pounds if she works at it for a long time and completely changes her life, but if her only motivation is “so my asshole husband won’t cheat on me again” then she is bound for failure. I understand complete lack of attraction for your partner is a deal breaker for a lot of people, it would be for me too, but you MUST break the deal not just cheat on her. She’s going to try to lose weight for the completely wrong reasons, she is probably going to fail miserably at it because of that, i really do not see how there is any future to your marriage unless you just suck it up and take her as she is.
150 pounds is a lot of weight to take off, and it’s not going to be remotely quick or easy. Your wife has probably suffered a pretty devastating blow to her self-esteem on top of the more direct marriage issues, and that could easily hamper any attempts she makes to put her eating in order.
I’m not going to throw anything at you, but I would suggest you accept that you may have irrevocably damaged this relationship, and if the price of your love and affection is weight loss, well, she probably won’t easily be able to pay it.
I hope, if she decides to lose weight, she does it for herself. It’s got to be for herself.
You aren’t responsible for how attracted you are to someone. That much, I’ll give you. You ARE responsible for the level of disrespect you showed your wife and your commitment to marriage. You made a choice, and it was a poor one (which you acknowledge).
So why is it now that your wife is the one that has to change in order to fix things? What are YOU going to change? And what happens if she loses weight and you still aren’t attracted to her? I’m trying to imagine where your wife’s self-esteem is at this point. You’ve let her know that her appearance chased you into the arms of another woman. And you’ve let her know that you might stick around and not cheat again IF she works to fit your ideal. And she’s seriously considering this? What’s in it for her, really? What happens if she has wrinkles, or some physical blemish, that doesn’t work for you?
You say you want the best for her. Are you able to look at who you are and who you are genuinely willing to be and say honestly that you are what’s best for her? From what I have to go on from your OP, it doesn’t seem that way. But if you are serious about making any effort to make this work, stop wondering about whether you’ll be happy if SHE changes, and start examining what’s going on in your own head. Is the physical attraction more important to you than everything else you have with her? Are there other areas of your relationship that are lacking that you haven’t acknowledged, yet? Do you honestly desire to be part of this marriage, or is it just more convenient to be in a stable relationship?
I’m not convinced that her losing weight is going to make a long-run difference. Her resentment alone will be prohibitive, I would think, both toward her own weight loss and toward how she ultimately feels about you.
I am also concerned for her health in general. When was the last time she saw a doctor and had a full workup done, including extra blood panels such as thyroid, lipids, and C-RP? How is she getting around? I wonder if some of your physical attractiveness toward her is not just in looks, but in activity? Does she do the same stuff she did when you wanted to marry her? Is she just as active, and does she do similar active things? Or did she never, and now has the physique to show for it? I wonder if she’s too tired these days to engage you in the same way she did 150 pounds ago. That’s a lot to gain in 15 years. How does she keep up with a young child?
Did she give up on the marriage just like you did, and both of you are just going through the motions of what you think you’re supposed to be doing at this stage of life? You both need some counseling.
I think you should try to put some effort into your marriage. You already seem to have given up by having an affair. You’re an ass for doing that, and for not talking to your wife a hundred pounds ago. You need to do some serious soul-searching to figure out what it means to you to be in a marriage, 'cause sex ain’t the half of it.
Usually if a marriage gets so bad that one person has an affair there is blame for both sides. Her blame may not be the actual weight but the fact that she senses how it makes you feel and has " for years" but hasn’t seen fit to do anything or even discuss it.
Is some of your blame that you’re so focused on her weight that you can’t help her figure out if she’s depressed or needs more help around the house so she can exercise more?
There are so many facets to every relationship that you’re looking for help and advice in the wrong place, you both need professional help.
I don’t think you’re an asshole, you’re a person who made a huge mistake.
Truthfully, if I gained 150 pounds in a short amount of time I would not be surprised if my husband found me unattractive. If I really cared about my husband I would try to do something about it. I’m not a thin person so it’s not like he expects or cares about perfection. However, I probably would never be able to ever get naked with him again.
You swore the oath to this woman, for richer and poorer, and yes, for fatter and thinner.
Who does the cooking in the family? How often do you go for walks together? Start with the small stuff. It is one thing to expect your wife to lose 150 lbs… it is another to exercise with her and start eating healthier together.
Speaking from a bit of experience… I lost 55 lbs a few years back. I followed the calories in < calories out model and lost about 5 lbs a month. A serious effort to help your wife will take years.
She isn’t going to lose 150 pounds to keep you, especially not now.
Having said that, to have gained so much I’d think that she’s got some serious self-esteem or mental health issues at the root of the weight gain. Which, once again, aren’t going to resolve themselves for ANY reason remotely connected to her cheating, unloving husband.
And great sex can be had by people of larger proportions…you don’t get good at sex just because you are skinny. If you are only aroused by the sight of skinny and fit, then it would be better to admit this and make whatever changes you must, because your wife will likely never be skinny again…in fact, you said she wasn’t when you married.
Even when I lost weight “for” my husband, it was never enough for him, and he worked very hard to sabotage me, because he needed me to stay heavy as justification for his cheating. Because otherwise he’d have to admit that it was all about him, and had nothing to do with me or my looks at all…which pretty much summed up our sex life anyhow.
You need to make changes, too, and the two of you need to sit down with someone else to figure out what is realistic and what requires compromise from both of you.
You were a shithead to cheat on her. If sex is important to you, and you can’t have it with her because you’re not physically attracted to her, you should have been strong enough to divorce, or at least seperate and let her know you would be pursuing sexual relationships.
I can’t blame you at all for no longer being attracted to her after 150 lbs of weight gain. I think 30 lbs could easily kill my sex life dead, and no sex would probably end my relationship. To me, there’s no point in being married to someone who you no sexual attraction to, no matter how much you love them. Might as well marry your closest platonic friend.
I really doubt your wife is going to be able to lose 150 lbs to stop you from cheating again. Frankly I think that’s an awful position to put her in. At this point I do think you would both be better off if you divorced. It will be painful for everyone, but I can’t see that the alternatives are any better.
I was gonna say 150 pounds is a lot of weight to put put on… in a relatively short amount of time. Even if you get past this cheating thing, which might not ever happen, what else is going on that things got to this point in the first place, and is that fixable too?
Every time there’s a cheating thread, most people say “just divorce her already.” I really don’t get that attitude. It’s not his call. He’s the cheater. If she wants to stay married to a person that’s cheated on her, then she can do that. You should be saying to her “just divorce him” if you think that’s the end of the marriage. This guy’s trying to keep his marriage together by getting his sex elsewhere. Why are you advising him to just give up?
What if it were the reverse? You were the one to gain all the weight and she was the one to cheat on you because of that? How would that make you feel?
I’ve been giving this a lot of thought since I first read this thread yesterday, and I’ve come up with some practical suggestions.
[ul]
[li]Don’t make this about her weight, make it about her health. Let her know that you love her and want her to be healthy so you can have a long life together. [/li]
[li]Get your wife to a doctor and have her thyroid checked. One in 20 women will become hypothyroid after pregnancy, and this could be a contributing factor to her excessive weight gain in a relatively short period of time. If she is hypothyroid, without medical treatment, she’ll never lose the weight. [/li]
[li]Become an active part of bringing a healthy lifestyle to your family. Hire a nutritionist to work with ALL of you. I’ll bet your eating habits aren’t so hot, either. And if you work as a family to make sure everyone is eating healthy, nutritious meals, your wife won’t feel so isolated and both you and your daughter will reap the benefits as well.[/li]
[li]Bear the burden of making that healthy lifestyle happen. Plan weekly menus, do the shopping yourself and help with the food prep and cooking.[/li]
[li]Start exercising with your wife. Go for walks together. Toss a medicine ball back and forth. Do resistance training togeher. Studies have shown that couples who exercise together increase their chances of sticking to their programme by a whopping 90 percent! Besides the weight loss aspect, exercise can help improve your sex life. [/li]
[li]Get some individual counseling. Work on yourself as hard as you want your wife to work on herself. Work on improving your communication skills, which could have benefited your wife and your marriage if you had addressed things before you went out looking elsewhere for sex. Work on becoming a better husband and partner so your wife knows you’re serious about never allowing yourself to be the kind of man who cheated on her the first time.[/li]
[li]When you’re both feeling a little more confident, consider renewing your vows. This can be a way to let your wife know that you are serious about starting over from a place of genuine commitment.[/li][/ul]
Good luck.
