She made me cheat on her....

In My Humble Opinion
1

There is an interesting dilema I’d like to run by some people on the dope. A very good friend of ours is a woman in her late 30’s she has been with the same man for 10 years, they have 2 children and a beautiful house. They are quite well off and they would seem from all outward appearances to be the perfect couple, she is very attractive and he is quite handsome - in that Brittish sort of way - (yes he’s a Brit).

Anyway, he travels a lot and she raises the children [she is a career woman but opted to stay home] she is the type to be on different committees and be a little miss do-it-all. He doesn’t want to be bothered by anything, no changing of the diapers, no family relations really,just comes home plays with the kids has a glass of beefeaters and goes to bed.

This cycle has been going on for a while, she has gained a little weight during the last several years, meaning she went from 130 to 160 and is about 5’5"… She is very attractive but can be down right bitchy when she wants to.

He is not muscular or athletic - but his accent and mannerisms get’s him quite a bit of attention. He’s a terrible flirt, and it sometimes obnoxious when we all go out to dinner…anyway - they live a more than comfortable lifestyle, they do not have a care in the world when it comes to money.

All that being said, he had an affair 2 years ago. He decided he couldn’t live with himself and the guilt anymore so he came clean to his wife. Who asked him to move out. That’s fine.

a year ago after going through many months of therapy and swearing up and down it was over, he has an affair again with the same woman.

This time he get’s sort of magnanimous about the whole thing and says to his wife - you made me cheat by letting your figure go, and by being downright bitchy to people all the time.

My problem is he is not admitting any culpability in the matter, and is saying things to her that make her think it is her fault.

So a couple questions:

Does the whole, " you made me do it…" ever hold up in a case like this? He cheated on her, she has been nothing but faithful.

Does the argument that she let her figure go hold any strength to anyone?

They are still living apart but they are trying to reconcile, however she is having some serious issues with his insistance that she caused him to cheat. It’s BS if you asked me…he cheated hands down, no one made him have sex with another woman. If she is bitchy and gained a little weight that is no reason to cheat, NO WAY!

2

nope. the guy is an ass.

3

Not unless they were fitness freaks when they wed and he made it clear form the get-go that her looks were of the utmost importance. Even then, I’ve heard carrying, giving birth and breastfeeding two children can change one’s body (assuming they’re not adopted).

As for cheating on her, well, obviously no one can force anyone else to cheat. People can change and force their partners to re-evaluate their relationship, but that leads to break-ups for most. As in, waiting 'til they’re through before getting their genitals wet.

4

No. The guy behaved badly and should own up to it.

5

Ditto. Guy’s an ass. There’s not excuse for cheating, IMO. If you’re unhappy in your marriage, get counseling, become complacent, or get out. Cheating, especially with children in the house, is only a path to pain for all involved.

6

Based on what you’ve put here, I’d say he’s not only a cheater but a narcissist and likely a total asshole. Blaming your victims is a HUGE red flag to me.

7

Here’s an excellent article that is very germain to this thread…spouses taking each other for granted. She is definitely not to blame for the affair, he is. But unknowingly, she might have taken his fondness for her beauty for granted, and his misguided response was to seek out something that was missing in their marriage.

Again, I state that he is responsible for the affair, but she needs to realize the importance of what drew him to her and do her best to maintain it, without extraordinary measures to do so (i.e. - no cosmetic surgery, starvation, etc.).

Only if she wants to keep her marriage though. Both sides to need to change to make it work.

8

Well, of course she didn’t make him cheat on her. It was his choice and now he’s dealing with the consequences. He’s being a jerk to blame her for his actions.

At the same time, I think married/committed people have a responsibility to try and remain attractive to their partners. This includes being a kind and loving person, keeping your weight more or less under control, and so forth.

I’m not saying people have to be perfect to be loved. Obviously we all have our flaws (physical/mental/emotional) and a good couple will age gracefully together. But if she really has become a fat and bitchy person, if that’s not who he married, then it’s not hard to understand why the husband was tempted to stray.

My verdict:
Her: failure to honor her responsibility to try and maintain her relationship by making herself physically and emotionally attractive: 20% fault.
Him: failure to respect his marriage vows, to make his needs known, and to stop cheating once he realized what a mistake it was: 80% fault.

9

She might be able to make him want to leave the marriage, but she can’t “make” him cheat.

What’s going on in their marriage, and what changes they need to make, or whether the marriage should end altogether, are issues that she plays a role in. She does not play a role in his decision to screw someone else. That one was on him.

Being unhappy might be a reason to end a marriage (and then get intimate with another person). It is not a reason to get intimate with another person while still married. He’s got the order wrong, and blaming her for his decision to have an extramarital affair sounds like crap to me.

10

“Forced to cheat” is ridiculous, but I’m still of the opinion that you shouldn’t change your appearance – by gaining weight, losing weight, growing facial hair, getting plastic surgery, etc. – without there being some okay from the SO. They’re the one who has to look at you. And 30 extra pounds on a 5’5" frame is sort of a lot.

But there are better and worse ways to confront the situation, and he chose the worse.

11

The only way she can make him cheat is to hold the two of them at gunpoint and force them to do the horizontal mambo. Anything short of that is voluntary on his part.

12

Agree witht he people above. Also, magnanimous doesn’t mean what you think it means.

13

The fact that he concealed his affair for a while is evidence that he knows he did wrong and that “You made me cheat” is a rationalization.

14

He is free to decide if he wants his marriage to continue. If he is absolutely not happy with his wife’s personality and appearance, and this can’t be rectified by any means, he cannot cheat. What he can do is separate and divorce her.

Again, he’d have to have his convictions, and attempt to rectify any concerns he has…then proceed to separate and eventually divorce.

Look, if a spouse is nice as pie and truly your partner and someone your respect, you will likely be attracted to them when they are not in the best shape, and/or each of you would work to keep the other sexually attracted (you do need to arouse the other person).

If a spouse is a bi-tch on wheels, and they gain a few extra pounds, the attraction that was left could easily vanish. What then? Well, do all you can to save the marriage, but if these things are so important, if no progress can be made to make the marriage work, then you move to splitting up.

Splitting up makes it okay to move on to new sexual partners. Everything should be about making the marriage work.

15

I’m sure she woke up one day and thought, ‘Gee, I think I’ll gain 30 pounds. I hope hubby doesn’t mind!’ and then set to doing that very thing.

16

I was trying to get across that he makes everything he says sound almost noble, and it’s rather disgusting when you know he is talking about cheating on his wife.

I agree it is on him but let’s say she wants to try and work it out, and he is afraid of a divorce for more than one reason, and I’m sure money is a big part of it. They are extremely well off, and I’m sure he doesn’t want to part with 50% of his net worth. Even more reason to kick him to the curb.

17

I don’t want to interpret this the wrong way. I don’t think you are meaning this as, “Well, her looks are what drew him to her, so she should have kept them up so he would want to stay with her.” IMHO, I disagree with that. But if I’m interpreting what you are saying correctly, you are saying that she needs to make sure she does everything possible to make the marriage work. If that is what you are saying, then I agree with you.

If they actually had a healthy marriage, they would have communication running both ways. If he was worried about her letting her figure go, he should have said something to her and they could have talked about it and they both would have been able to figure out what to do about it. I agree that she was not totally without fault in the failing of the marriage, but not because she let her looks go. She was at fault because she let her husband get away with his lack of involvement in their family.

18

Does she want to work it out because she truly loves him, or because he has so battered her self-esteem she can’t see anybody else wanting her? She’s not thinking an unfaithful husband is better than no husband, is she?

19

You make it sound as if it was something she had no control over.

20

Those pounds didn’t magically appear, either.

That’s not saying this is her fault. It’s not. Not even the 20% fuffle awarded. If her weight bothers him so damn much, talk about it. Gently. Or get out.