Perhaps it wasn’t - lots of health concerns and medications come with weight gain. Or perhaps it was, but not something she prioritized. Two kids are worth 10 pounds apeice in babyweight for a lot of women. Age is worth a few. A lot of women gain pre-menopausal (don’t know what her age is). It can be difficult to find time to work out (if you are one of those people who needs to exercise to take weight off) with two kids and a busy schedule of commitments.
And perhaps he never made his disappointment in her weight gain known to her, so she didn’t know he prioritized it. Or maybe he did and she didn’t care - doesn’t sound like he’s the most involved guy in the world and she may have thought “yeah, right, you get the kids ready every morning so I can go jogging - that’s going to happen.”
I do have to wonder about one thing, Phlosphr. When he said that she made him cheat, did you hear it directly from him? Or did she tell you that he said that.
While there is no excuse for him cheating, I don’t want to take it at face value that she’s not embellishing the story a little.
Reminds me of something a former friend did to me. Basically, he treated me like shit, and we didn’t talk for years.
Eventually I hear he said to another person that I ‘made him’ treat me that badly, like he had every right to treat me bad.
Fuck that, the guy’s a Grade-A assflake. If I were his S.O. and he said that to me, I’d punch his bloody lights out.
Frankly, the wife and kids sound like they’d be better off without that asshole in their lives. He didn’t just cheat on his wife, he cheated on his family.
Iagree that one should try to look attractive for one’s spouse, but 30 pounds after 2 kids doesn’t sound like a huge amount to me. There’s a big difference between gaining 30 pounds, but still dressing stylishly and looking good and gaining 30 pounds and schlubbing around in sweatsuits all the time. If she hasn’t taken any care of her appearance, then that’s a problem (not one that justifies cheating by any means). But, face it, all of us are going to end up wrinklier, fatter, scrawnier, balder or hairier then we first married our spouses. It’s a matter of making the best of what you’ve got.
I agree pretty much with what Philster said.
Gaining weight, becoming bitchy, not happy anymore, etc. are legitimate excuses (however shallow or assholish they may appear) to decide to part ways with a spouse and call it quits. From there after you can go hook up with whomever you like.
But cheating on someone before formally breaking up is just cowardice plain and simple. Be a man and have the balls to say your not happy to her face and get out. Cheating behind her back shows he has no backbone and can’t stand up for himself.
Oh no, he said right in front of her during dinner and my wife and I looked at each other like :eek: and tried to tactfully work around a very awkward moment.
She spoke with my wife a couple days later and basically said he has been talking like that for months.
He should have thought of that before he went and had an affair, now, shouldn’t he?
He needs to grow up. You can’t always get everything you want in life. I want to have enough money to live my current lifestyle and not have to have a job. But I’m an adult, so I accept that I can either live my current lifestyle or quit my job, not both. If I were scum like this guy, I might try to bully Mr. Neville into working two jobs so I could stay home and we could still have a cleaning service and everything we have now. But I don’t do that, because I know that it wouldn’t be fair to him.
I’ll playDevil’s Advocate here.
Cheating is a symptom of a problem with a relationship. Not the problem itself. What culpability does she have in maintaining the relationship? Maintaining some level of fitness? Being pleasent to people? What about if she decided to let her hygene go? Or not take care of the kids? Or not put out anymore?
A case can be made that by being unpleasent and letting herself go, she created a condition that was ripe for cheating to occur. “Ok, so if he was that unhappy, he should have left her” some will say. Relationships are like a frog slowly boiling in water. It doesn’t know how bad it is because the heat slowly piles on over the years. Next thing you know, he’s with a woman where if he met her 10 years ago, he would have jumped right out of the pot.
Unless he’s kept himself in prime condition, he’s a hypocrite.
What an asshole to blame her for his decision to cheat.
I’m 5’5" and 152 right now. That’s a size 10. I was a size 6 125 lbs. at marriage. Does that mean my husband has a right to cheat? Even though he’s gone up several pants sizes in the interim himself?
He doesn’t do anything to help around the house or with the kids. Sounds like a family is just an accessory to him to begin with. You know, something you’re expected to have.
Anyone who talks that way about their spouse in front of others needs to be kicked in the nads. Hard. And then divorced promptly. And ostracized by decent folks like **Philosphr ** and spouse.
Well that raises an interesting question. It’s very common for attractive women to enter into a marriage with a man because he is wealthy and succesful. They spend a great deal of effort making themselves into a “trophy wife”. The implied relationship is she provides her hot looks and a couple of kids while he keeps her in the lifestyle she has become acustomed to.
So if she decides to let herself go or he loses his money, is their arangement still valid?
I am a bit surprised that nobody has commented on this part:
Along with everything else posted, I have to agree: Grade A asshole. He doesn’t want to participate in the marriage or help her out, and is emotionally abusive to her in front of others, and she “made him cheat”? Please. Does she get to cheat because of his behavior?
Of course he doesn’t have a right to cheat. I don’t think anyone would argue that. If your weight really bothered him, he should bring that up with you in the most tactful way possible.
But if (and I’m speaking purely hypothetically here) if you were to gain a significant amount of weight and become a raging bitch to boot…well, I don’t think anyone would be surprised if he roamed. He’s still culpable, but the cheating comes as a surprise to no one except maybe the wife. Who would want to come home every night to someone they don’t find physically or emotionally attractive? This situation works in reverse, too (the woman as cheater).
But he has to be realistic, too. People age and tend to put on weight as they do. A healthy couple will accept imperfections in one another. But it’s not really fair to your partner to be one person when you get married and then turn into someone else that your partner doesn’t find attractive.
Edit: This all only applies to decent people. Telling your friends in front of your wife that she made him cheat…world-class ass.
Obviously we do not speak to him very much, but my wife is very close to her and we’ve told her many times…It’s just odd when we have to go play dinner date with them because they want to try and work it out, it’s tough because he can be so obnoxious. Now that being said, before we knew any of this was going on he was actually a decent guy, but he was certainly not the DAD type, more the playmate after they could walk.
So we do not associate with him very much any more…we were invited to Colorado to their place out there and we declined…I know she is trying to make it work, but all the signs point right back to getting that divorce. She appears to be getting stonger though.
I would immediately question whether he has been emotionally abusive this whole time, and it is only now starting to be well known to “outsiders” such as yourselves. (“Outsiders” here meaning anyone other than the brit / wife.) Has she always had (as large) a bitchy streak? I.e. If he’s this kind of a dick now, perhaps he’s always had the private comment to her to lower her self esteem, which has never come out in public before, but perhaps he’s managed to fuel her spiral.
He actually sounds like how I’ve heard Qudgop describe some of his psychopathic patients. Incredibly charming, always having an excuse, manipulative, etc. I’m not saying that his gonna go whack 'em all, just that I don’t know how much value he places on other people other than as accessories to himself.
On-line (uneducated) psychology notwithstanding, he’s an ass. I hope she takes him to the cleaners.
Whatever happened to “for better or for worse?” Are you telling me, that by this value system, if I’m married, get into a terrible car wreck and am paralyzed for life then that justifies my spouse leaving me for greener pastures?
Sounds like this marriage wasn’t much based on commitment to begin with.
Blaming his partner for all the problems in the relationship smacks of controlling, manipulative behavior. Which could eventually slide into abusive. I say the guy is an ass hat and she and her children would be better off without him. I don’t think there’s ever an excuse to cheat on your spouse. If you’re unhappy in a relationship, talk it out, get professional help, or split up. But serial cheating belies this fellow’s lack of commitment to his marriage. He doesn’t respect his wife, nor did he communicate his dissatisfaction so they could work through the issues.
IMHO all relationships require trust, respect, communication and commitment to all of the above in order to keep it all working. If one of those things falls apart, and both parties are not interested in the hard work required to pull it all back together, the relationship is over and cannot be saved. Sounds to me like they have none of those things.
It sounds to me like the wife is seriously depressed with little, if any, real support system. Weight gain and irritability are often symptoms of depression. It also sounds like she’s keeping busy to keep her mind off of her problems.
Any way you slice it, her husband is an abusive asshole. Your wife might take her to lunch without her husband and give her undivided attention. If she can, she can give her the names of a few therapists. Your wife can’t make her do anything, but she can leave the door open and let her know she’s available when she’s ready.
And to the rest of you, cut this woman some slack. She’s parenting two young children alone and dealing with abusive, cheating husband on top of it. So what if she’s gained 30 pounds. Does that make her less of a woman or a human being? Some of you need to back off.
If you have an agreement to not cheat (which is implicit in a marriage, unless explicitly stated otherwise), then the details are immaterial.
Even if you want to look at a marriage purely as a contract-type arrangement, he’s still in the wrong. Let’s say, for the sake of argument, that they got married based on a number of provisions, some of which included not gaining more than x pounds, maintaining a minimum quantifiable degree of pleasantness, etc etc.
Let’s also say, that she did not keep her end of the contract. So, he decided unilaterally that the terms of the contract don’t need to be upheld, and goes and has sex with someone else. This is wrong behavior because she is still under the impression that the contract is still valid.
Any such justification for cheating is wrong. You can’t on the one hand argue that your spouse isn’t holding up his/her end of the bargain therefore you have a right to ignore your vows, while at the same time letting your spouse think that everything is business as usual.
