I have resolved that I need people…staff…underlings.
Due to her exemplary performance in another thread, I’m thinking of hiring Susie Derkins as my Head of Understated Sarcasm.
Lillith Fair has held the job of Voice of Reason for a good long time now.
So get your applications in here, pronto. All positions are available, from Domestic Dogsbodies to Foot Rubbers and Imbibers of Things I Can No Longer Imbibe. Name your job, chances are good it’s not filled yet.
Oooh! Oooh!
Can I apply for the position of, “Director of the Procrastination Department”? I’ll send you my application tommorow.
How much starting salary are you offering, and what is your benefits package? I can start Monday, but I’ll need the rest of the week off. Oh, and I do Windows™, but not windows.
You need a pirate.
Every office needs a pirate.
Thank you! You have my work sample; I will fax my resume ASAP.
>>> Elbows way to the head of the line, knocking Q.E.D. over <<<
Excuse you.
Hey. kittenblue. 'Sup, baby? Uh, at this juncture, I’d like to apply for Emeritus of Ass Kicking. Yeah, uh… my job duties would include Ego Deflating and Reality Checking, Totally Unnecessary Verbal Abuse, Assigner of Profoundly Humilating Tasks and Executor Of Revenge.
You don’t need my resume. Know why? I said so.
… GOT IT? >> Obstinate stare. <<
Yeah. I’m all yours. Just point 'em out, turn me loose.
Everybody be cool. The Emeritus has spoken. 
Why you sumbitch! You’re nothing but a pimple on the butt of creation! I was here first, and you’ll damn well wait your turn! Yo’ mamma so fat, when she sit around the house, she sit AROOOOOOUND the house! Now go clean up the toilet or I’ll mount your head on the wall.
Yep, that’s all five.
I’m weary of being an underling at my age. Perhaps I could come aboard in a supervisory capacity. Say, Director of Columnnar Vertical Alignment and Visual Thread Integrity?
No?
Maybe I should just observe.
Office? No, sweetie, I’m hiring for the home!
Do you provide your own parrot? Is it housebroken?
Q.E.D. Man, you wait til’ I get hired. You’re lucky I don’t do freebies. It’s gonna be ON. 
I do prefer to promote from within the organization, but some of the underlings might need supervising…
Just point 'em out, and turn me loose. Like that dude over there with “SDSAB” under his name? He seems uppitty.
Head of the Secret Police.
Sure, in the past mistakes were made…but I have pictures…tapes…
Walk with me…
Story of my life. 
You know where to find me, kittenblue. Don’t wait till Askia and Q.E.D need … supervising.
Second thought, I just remembered, I’ve got some books that need stacking. Thanks for considering me and all.
You need a strong arm?
You want my resume or my rap sheet?
Well if you need a marauder, warrior, pillager, invader, or anything of that sort I’d like to put my application forward. Here and here are some of my latest works.
And BTW, I’ve got some friends who might be looking for work soon as well.
Second post in the thread–you’re obviously unqualified to be the Director of Procrastination. Way, way too fast. If only you’d waited a couple of days, or even a week or two, you’d be a good candidate.
kittenblue, I can be your Misinformation Manager. I’m good at giving out Misinformation, and I can do it with a straight face. I’m also good at providing chocolate and herding small animals.
Destroyer of Ex Boyfriends. Part time.
Can I be “Grand Poobah of KickAssery?” The beauty of my job, I don’t actually do anything. My job entails me standing around looking busy and very important. If someone asks me a question, I go off on a tangents about “synergy” and “diversification” and use a lot of two dollar words. When they walk away, they will feel as if they’ve learn a lot, and yet, they are actually stupider for having listened to me.
If not that, can I be the “Mistister of Propegand…Truth?”
Hon, I have been unemployed for a year and a half. Right now I will take ANYTHING.
I am a damned good cook, so long as you like plain old home cookin’, nothing fancy. I can take care of any critter you want to put in front of me. I can tell you a story that will keep you enthralled for hours.
As a housekeeper… did I mention I am a good cook???
