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After making a detailed survey of my life and recent upheavals and the shaky support system I currently have (going on medical leave, dumped by boyfriend, son in jail, daughter without car, sister just went back to Omaha, brother busy, mother elderly) I have decided that what I really need is a Staff! I need to surround myself with a team of loyal, hardworking people at my beck and call, and what better way to attain that than by hiring them!

So here are the positions that are currently available, and a brief description of the job requirements. Please include a brief statement of the unique skills you would bring to the job if I should hire you for a position with The Kittenblue Group. References will not be checked. Remuneration will not be forthcoming.

Devoted Slave and FlunkyBe available post-surgery to fetch, carry and pick up heavy things. Should be at my side at all times, but no drooling.

General DogsbodyRun all those pesky errands to the grocery store, the bank, the library. Keep gas in the car and avoid overdue fines. Run to the ends of the earth to find another skein of eyelash yarn, or pantyhose.

Massage TherapistFootrubs, neck rubs, back rubs, and scratching that itchy spot I can’t reach.

Treasurer of the ExchequerManage my paltry funds, keep the checkbook balanced, budget and pay the bills on time. Buy winning lottery ticket.

Court Jester Lift my spirits with jokes, funny stories, cute pictures, cartoons. Ease my melancholy with amusing conversation.

GroundskeeperGeneral outside maintenance and gardening, snow removal and lawn-mowing. Truck not required, but preferred.

Paramour and ConsortProvide good lovin’ and lots of it! Be on-call 24/7. Must be male, middle-aged, straight and preferably fixed. Must have a good imagination, a working knowledge of the female anatomy and a sense of humor. Must successfully complete a hands-on tryout within a 2-hour timeframe. Must be process-oriented rather than focused on personal outcomes. Must be able to stay up late and get up early.

Computer Guru Must be able to keep the current system up and running, as well as select and install upgrades and improvements

Remember that you may apply for more than one position. All applications will be reviewed in a timely fashion. Additional positions will be posted as they come open.

I can (happily) perform all of those tasks save groundskeeper. I am just not so good or motivated at keeping grounds. I am particularly adept at positions 3, 5 and 7. Please let me know when the auditions begin.

If she doesn’t hire you, I will. :slight_smile:

I noticed you missed a postion- You will need someone to shop with you after you win the lottery. I would like to fill that position.

Dear Mrs Kittenblue,

While I am confident that I have many of the requisite skills to perform several of the aforementioned functions, I’d like to apply for the position of Paramour and Consort, as I believe it is far better to focus on one thing at a time, and focus on doing it right. :wink: . I realise that at 28, I might not be considered “middle-aged”, but nevertheless, I believe that my stamina, girth, sensitivity and attentiveness to your needs will all make me more than suitable for the role. I look forward to meeting you for an audition. Please let me know if any special equipment will be required.

Sincerely Yours,

That’s Ms. Kittenblue, and did I mention extra points are available to those with England in their location field?

Thank you for your consideration; however, in spite of my qualifications to perform all the listed tasks, I am not currently in a position to relocate to Cleveland. That, and I wouldn’t be much use to you with both my legs broken once my wife found out.

Dear Ms kittenblue,

I just have to know. Why do your eyelashes need yarn?

I noticed that your advertisement did not include a Decorator. I am sure someone of your impeccable taste and charm did so not intentionally. Therefore, I should like to apply for this position. I have the qualification necessary for any top notch decorator. I am gay. That means I automatically know f-aaaaa-bu-lous thus ensuring your abode would always be decorated in the most tasteful, trendy and amazing manner.

As to salary, as long as I have a place to sleep, transportation (one must be continually on the outlook for f-aaaaa-bu-lous), internet access, burly men, beer and cookies I can perform my duties to your utmost satisfaction.

Truly Yours,
Mr. Swamptington
F-aaaaa-bu-lous Overthetopgaydecorator

Just chiming in to give a reference for Mr. Swampington. He redecorated the harem room in my attic and all the cabana boys seemed much happier afterwards. (Hmm…)

That depends on how long you live. If you truly dedicate yourself to the task at hand, working day and night to make sure that all needs are met, I can’t see you making it past 40, 45 tops.
So, Misstee, when you gonna hie thee down to our part of the world?

Since this is the #1 position I have in my household, I’m overqualified for this position.


Oh yeah.

This, too.

Everyone but my wife thinks my jokes are funny.

Owned a house for 10 years, so I have experience with this. As far as the quality of my groundskeeping, see response #1.

I’m married, so this one is where I’m rusty. I’d like to think I’ve reverted to male virgin status.

The foggy memories indicate that I’d keep you very happy in this regard. All in all, a plus :wink:

I’m fluent in computer geek.
Now, to get rid of the ball ‘n’ chain…

Ooh, I had no idea I needed a Personal Shopper and a Decorator. (Though one glance around the room should have been a clue!) And thank heaven…a gay decorator who doesn’t know what eyelash yarn is! (Because although it’s fun for scarves, I’m looking for non-tacky decor. My payroll budget is unlimited, so add those to the list.

I like the idea of combining 3, 5 & 7, ShibbOleth They really are just one big, happy job for the right guy! And with the payroll savings, I can go with a Decorator and Personal Shopper. (What, you thought you’d get triple pay?)

Overqualified is never a bad thing around The Kittenblue Group. But I hesitate at leaving some other firm short-handed. I’ll give it some thought.

Maybe by inducting them into a personal harem? :wink:
Half of which I see have applied here for jobs. :dubious:
What’s wrong, guys? Overdose on the tummy rubs and orgies? :stuck_out_tongue:

Gimme a job!
I’ve gotta be good for something! :smiley:

Kitten, Kitten, Kitten; if you’re not going to pay these people, you’ve got to reward them with prestigious titles:

Devoted Slave and Flunky: Undersecretary of the Oversecretariat

General Dogsbody: Lord High Everything Else

Massage Therapist: Chairman of the Chief Staff of Joints

Treasurer of the Exchequer: Lord of the Exchequer

Court Jester: This one’s all right, but wouldn’t one prefer “The Right Honorable Funny Guy”?

Groundskeeper: Groundskeeper General

Paramour and Consort: Prince Consort

Computer Guru: OK, this one ain’t bad, but you can up the ante with “CyberGod”

Personal Shopper: Minister of Acquisition

Decorator: Senior Vice President of Interior Design

If you really want a good decorator, you want me. I’ll supply you with wall diagrams of the USS Enterprise-D, more T-shirts than the estimated number of stars in the known universe, chandeliers made of old computer parts, pseudo-tribal masks made for tourists, signs stolen from construction areas, and lots of other great stuff.

Do you happen to have any yard critters made out of old tools? If so, I may want to marry you. :smiley:

I have a pile - uh, I mean a sculpture made of tools entitled “Chaos”. But I don’t think available light would appreciate me running off with some guy, or some girl for that matter. Plus she’s a lawyer.

The only pay I desire is to see the big smile on your beautiful face all day*.
*I think that sentence puts me in the running for position 1 as well.

You will also require a cook and a pastry chef. The uninformed think perhaps one person can do both jobs, but NO…you will be keeping the pastry chef too busy to consider creating anything with actual nutritional value. And, if the pastry chef’s off moments, he will have to supply your consort with chocolate mousse…

Which brings up the position of laundress…

I’ve done all that stuff at one time or another. Maybe I could be your Human Resources Manager and interview all the applicants so as to weed out the posseurs. But y’all have to come to Florida, I ain’t going up North.