After making a detailed survey of my life and recent upheavals and the shaky support system I currently have (going on medical leave, dumped by boyfriend, son in jail, daughter without car, sister just went back to Omaha, brother busy, mother elderly) I have decided that what I really need is a Staff! I need to surround myself with a team of loyal, hardworking people at my beck and call, and what better way to attain that than by hiring them!
So here are the positions that are currently available, and a brief description of the job requirements. Please include a brief statement of the unique skills you would bring to the job if I should hire you for a position with The Kittenblue Group. References will not be checked. Remuneration will not be forthcoming.
Devoted Slave and FlunkyBe available post-surgery to fetch, carry and pick up heavy things. Should be at my side at all times, but no drooling.
General DogsbodyRun all those pesky errands to the grocery store, the bank, the library. Keep gas in the car and avoid overdue fines. Run to the ends of the earth to find another skein of eyelash yarn, or pantyhose.
Massage TherapistFootrubs, neck rubs, back rubs, and scratching that itchy spot I can’t reach.
Treasurer of the ExchequerManage my paltry funds, keep the checkbook balanced, budget and pay the bills on time. Buy winning lottery ticket.
Court Jester Lift my spirits with jokes, funny stories, cute pictures, cartoons. Ease my melancholy with amusing conversation.
GroundskeeperGeneral outside maintenance and gardening, snow removal and lawn-mowing. Truck not required, but preferred.
Paramour and ConsortProvide good lovin’ and lots of it! Be on-call 24/7. Must be male, middle-aged, straight and preferably fixed. Must have a good imagination, a working knowledge of the female anatomy and a sense of humor. Must successfully complete a hands-on tryout within a 2-hour timeframe. Must be process-oriented rather than focused on personal outcomes. Must be able to stay up late and get up early.
Computer Guru Must be able to keep the current system up and running, as well as select and install upgrades and improvements
Remember that you may apply for more than one position. All applications will be reviewed in a timely fashion. Additional positions will be posted as they come open.