I’m looking for a personal bodyguard.
Gimme a good reason to hire you.
Elly
I will work for food…
(Plus, I am a trained bodyguard)
But I don’t do windows 
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I’ve done it before.
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I will do nearly any job outside the realm (except windows).
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I work fairly cheap (meat and beer for starters).
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I’m fairly cute.
I’ve child-proofed two houses so far. And I know the dangers of wrought iron furniture.
-Rue.
Very nice, very nice…
I may well hire you three as my personal guards…
Rue, you shall be my Official Protector Against Rabid Furniture
Turbo, you shall be my Official Boy Toy and Protector Against Rancid Cheesecake.
Iguana Boy, I officially dub you my Official Head Goon, Happy Fun Squad Protection Unit.
The job has its benefits, this being the fun squad and all.
Now would someone PLEASE subdue Fenris for me before I pull my lovely red hair OUT?
Thanks,
Elly.
Another trained bodyguard here ( 120 hours cert., defensive driving for security professional at Skip Barber, IPSA competition in Police stock class for ten years)
Plus I won’t call the locals when your 19 year old daughter wants a case of Shiner Bock!
Mike, dear one, I do have concerns about a bodyguard turned kitchen designer.
But feel free to become my Official Kitchen Re-decorator. While you’re there, do find me a comfy chair.
She needs a bodyguard to keep her from tripping and falling into huge inanimate objects. Good luck, guys! Wear helmots and other protection!
Oh, and thanks for hiring TurboDog. He’s got a gorgeous wife, see, and if he’ll be busy…
Just kidding! Really! Put down that iron bar… 
:::: Looks at Dantheman ::::::
Dan, dearest, you do realize that you’re getting yourself in deep, deep doo-doo here, right?
I crown you my official Scapegoat.
It’s YOUR fault anyway.
She wants me. I can just tell.
It’s your fault anyway.
Eleven years as a U.S. Marine. - Would charge an exorbitant fee guaranteed to be worth every cent - Willing to sign a contract stating I would not, in any imaginable situation or scenario, say “prolly”.
Mobius, you’re on.
The Happy Fun Squad pays… well. In all sorts of ways.
So, Mobius, do you strip?
(Shameless Pun, I know. Sorry)
Maybe, but I’m okay with that as long as you want me.
Hehehe.
Awwww…I feel left out. My quals? I am devilishly cute and…and…well that’s just it. I have to be good for something. 
Oh yeah and I have mastered every form of martial arts known to man.
Ladyfox, I’d be glad to have you enroll for the Happy Fun Squad. I could use another Happy Fun Squad female to subdue those gelatinous testosterone masses…
Wonderful! <sad teary-eyed voice> For the first time in my life, I feel a part of something. Something great, something powerful, something designed for the sole purpose of making men slaves…</sad teary-eyed voice>
Hehehe…
do I get a title?
DOWN WITH ELENFAIRITA! FIGHT THE REIGN OF TERROR OF THE HAPPY FUN-FUN SQUAD!
Don’t you people see, she’s lulling you into a false sense of security. Today it’s cheap boinking, tomomorrow, it’s Postum and Sanka instead of coffee as a Sacrifice for the “Supreme Leader”! And then? Mind Control Drugs in your Malt-O-Meal!
Resist her blandishments!
Viva La Revolution!
Fenris
*StephenG, dressed in a dark shade, sneaks into the room on cat-like tread. He removes a sap from his belt, cold-cocks Fenris, and then ties him up in clothesline.
The Man in Black drags the tied-up menace to the lovely* Elenfair, and props him up.
In a calm voice, he says* “Y’want I should do anyt’ing wit dis guy, yer ladyship?”
[sub]*I’d say “fair”, but that just sounds so redunant.[/sub]
Would consider it if the pay is right, but only in two dimensions and you wouldn’t be able to tell if the show was beginning or ending… Wrap your three-dimensionsl mind around that…