The Straight Dope Mercenaries

Think about it.

$5 Million Dead or Alive. I’m sure we could put it good use around here…maybe we could have the mother of all dopefests.

Who’s with me?

Since Aunt Flo is visiting, I’d like to take the role of a torturer. Maybe in a few days I’ll take over as trail-mix-mixer/llama herder/parachute packer, but right now I feel adequately equipped to inflict pain on others.

What would you want to do if we were a band of thugs hunting OBL down for cold, hard cash?


I want Manservant Hecubus and Uncle Bill as my leather-pants-tight-black-t-shirt-motorcycle-boots-sunglass-wearing assistants.


Can I be the brilliant but stays-at-home-out-of-harms way computer programmer/cracker who supplies technical support for the operation? And, preferably, one of the new types of brilliant but SAHOOHW types, who mysteriously gets the girl, rather than one of the old SAHOOHW types, who were used only for comic relief. I mean, if that’s not asking for too much.

Sure, why not?

Now who’s the girl you get? And what is HER role?

Can I be the Communications person? I mean, I do work for a telco, after all…that means free long-distance if I call from work. “Yes sir, the tech support centre for that application IS in Saudi Arabia.”

I’ll do computer support only as a last resort, and only if I get to be the Bitch Operator from the North.

“Helldesk, what d’YOU want, and why should I give it to you?”

Hmmmmm, further thought, can I be an Apprentice Questioner instead? 8 years in tech support has given me the necessary callousness and a LOT of imagination.

On preview, I see bashere actually WANTS to do tech support, so can I be an Apprentice Questioner? Can I, can I can I hunh hunh hunh?

Pretty please? I look good in black leather, honest…and I already have an eight-foot bullwhip…

Of course. I just torture, I ask no questions.

You can play “good cop” to my “bad cop” except for those rare instances where you, when presented with an unusually quiet prisoner, coolly floor them with one well placed and unexpected punch.

Leather is a must, but you should dress like a lady…a dragon lady.

I can be the creepy guy in the lab coat you call forward when you need prisoners injected with something. I even have my own lab coat!

Oh, doesn’t much matter to me. I’m easy. I’m famous for that. Actually, saying “I’m part of an elite band of thugs hunting down terrorists” would probably be a great pickup line.

Oh, and so we’re clear here, I’m also insisting on the right to wear leather pants and wife-beaters. This is the new breed of SAHOOHW geek we’re talking about.

Come on, tisiphone, this is technical specialist for an elite team of highly trained mercenaries. None of that “I assure you there is ‘Q’ on your keyboard, sir*” stuff; it’ll be “sure, I can crack 1024bit PGP encryption by punching random keys on my keyboard” kind of stuff.

*the single thing that I most loved saying while on a call in my days in tech support.


Don’t forget to hire a stunninly good looking, but vicious and mute assistant to do your real dirty work!

I’ll be the excitable kid who gets told to stay back but goes in anyway and ends up saving the day. He then finds a girl his age and they grow old together :slight_smile:

Sure thing! You still have to wear stupid glasses though, in a Clark Kent-ish sort of way. That way you can also be the source of tension…will the girl see thru his weird glasses? Of course!

I’ll make up for the glasses by giving you a super computer capable of 3D hologram projections.

Now…who’s going to be our financier?

Wrap all the guys from Predator into one, and you got me. Minus the guns. I’m the psychopath who can do anything in the jungle using nothing more than camoflage clothing, black face paint, night-vision goggles, my broadsword and several dozen knives. I make great recon, assassination, or simple havoc wreaking in forested or mountainous areas.

But I dont do water.

Am I hired?

Cool. Don’t forget a backpack and your parent’s credit cards.

You also must learn to master the sarcastic smile.

I’m not the sort who would be effective at the track’em down and hurt 'em part. But I’ll be the one who puts together care package’s for those in the field. Packages with homemade cookies and jam, new socks and underpants, letters of support, cocoa, and what not.


Oh and I know how to make bandages.

Tough call, but, well, sure. But only if the super computer its entire interface in 3d, for no readily apparent reason.


Your story is that you were the love of my life until something happened (the big mystery) to drive you mostly insane. Nuts, but not evil.

There is tension between us and you hate my assistants.

You sure will! You’ll be our smuggler…now one will ever suspect you. You’re also a black belt though you’ve never hurt a soul.

(added close-bolding tag–Veb)

[Edited by TVeblen on 09-20-2001 at 09:24 PM]

Sits in the corner, twitching and sharpening two knives on each other, making cool ‘zzzzing’ sounds, looking altogether too calm as he glares down everyone else in the room

Verrain, if you’re hirin’, I’ll put my resume in. :smiley:

(And lurker says he can do the “I come, master” hunchback really well, if you’re lookin’ for that sort of thing! :wink: )

HA! I have SIX lab coats! You can be my creepy assistant, Verrain.