I'm in love with my gay male friend

[Little_Nemo]

@Blackberry

*Happens *to be gay? I don’t know about that. She might not like him if he was available to her. She’s still a virgin, so apparently she’s not too into relationships with men who might want her back.

I’m not going to assume a pattern from one point of data.

To me, the fact that the guy is gay isn’t really the issue. The OP could be having the same problem if she was attracted to a man who was happily married. Some people just aren’t available and she needs to accept the situation rather than try to change it.

[Grrr]

@ThelmaLou

Because they are so easy to be around, very caring, good listeners, tolerant of others’ differences and quirks, don’t usually have a lot to prove. They’re supportive, loving, funny, kind.

When my late H and I got married, there were only 40 people at our wedding, and six of them were gay men (sadly, four of them have sinced died from AIDS-- this was back in the early 90’s). We had our reception at the home of one couple, my best friend and his partner. My uncle is gay and has been with his partner for 40 years. When I lived at home with my parents our next door neighbors were a gay couple, also together for decades. Of all the gay men I’ve known, I can’t think of one who was a jerk.

Every woman needs a gay male friend.

First off, I was kidding. Secondly, the content of your post is a little fucked up.

[Learjeff]

I think there are two problems here.

1. you’re in love with him and he’s not (romantically) in love with you

2. you want to have sex with him, but he doesn’t want to have sex with you

If it was just #2, I’d say “Oh heck, just tell him you want to jump his bones and see what happens!” People aren’t all the same. You can’t ask one gay person how another one will respond. At best you’ll get a “probable” answer. However, I would suspect that maybe #1 was the case and you’re in denial, and in that case it would be a bad idea.

Fortunately, you’re not in denial about your feelings for him. But given that you’re in love and he’s not, I doubt that having sex is a good idea.

Am I wrong? You folks out there in the peanut gallery: ignoring the gay/straight issue, how often does it work out well when one is in love and the other is not? Especially if you value the friendship? I admit my experience is limited (and from long ago, in a galaxy far, far away), but let’s just say I’m skeptical.

Add the two issues, and the likelihood of your getting what you dream of and things working out well is small.

The more debatable question is whether you should discuss it with him. I prefer the “honesty is the best policy” in general, but I’m not sure it’s true in this case. It might be, but would really depend on the personalities and how you handled it. I have been on both ends of that stick and it worked out well enough, but I’m me and you’re you.

[Honey]

Lovers are a dime a dozen. A good, true friend is almost impossible to find. DO NOT fuck up this friendship wishing for something that is never going to happen.

[Tante_Dillie]

As an older woman to a young one, I’m going to be blunt:

I’ve got gay male friends who tell me they are repulsed by female genitalia, by the sight, the texture and the smell. You’re a virgin; the first time you have sex, no matter who it’s with, it’s likely to be a fumbling, messy, embarrassing experience. Do you want to add to the overall awkwardness by choosing a partner (assuming you can get him to cooperate) who is looking at your body and thinking, “Yuck”? Wouldn’t you rather find a man who cherishes your feminine attributes?

[ThelmaLou]

@Shakes

First off, I was kidding. Secondly, the content of your post is a little fucked up.

No. It isn’t. But thanks for your highly intelligent and informed response.

[Grrr]

@ThelmaLou

No. It isn’t. But thanks for your highly intelligent and informed response.

It is. And you’re welcome.

[Ambivalid]

@ThelmaLou

Because they are so easy to be around, very caring, good listeners, tolerant of others’ differences and quirks, don’t usually have a lot to prove. They’re supportive, loving, funny, kind.

When my late H and I got married, there were only 40 people at our wedding, and six of them were gay men (sadly, four of them have sinced died from AIDS-- this was back in the early 90’s). We had our reception at the home of one couple, my best friend and his partner. My uncle is gay and has been with his partner for 40 years. When I lived at home with my parents our next door neighbors were a gay couple, also together for decades. Of all the gay men I’ve known, I can’t think of one who was a jerk.

Every woman needs a gay male friend.

Ha! Methinks you know too few gay men! But of course, use your anecdotes to apply to an entire sexual orientation and gender!

[LC_Strawhouse]

@ThelmaLou

Because they are so easy to be around, very caring, good listeners, tolerant of others’ differences and quirks, don’t usually have a lot to prove. They’re supportive, loving, funny, kind.

When my late H and I got married, there were only 40 people at our wedding, and six of them were gay men (sadly, four of them have sinced died from AIDS-- this was back in the early 90’s). We had our reception at the home of one couple, my best friend and his partner. My uncle is gay and has been with his partner for 40 years. When I lived at home with my parents our next door neighbors were a gay couple, also together for decades. Of all the gay men I’ve known, I can’t think of one who was a jerk.

Every woman needs a gay male friend.

My God. I already knew that I’m a barbarian Neanderthal by being a straight male, but I never realized I was so completely outclassed by the gay men along us.

[Thylacine]

My father is gay and was the biggest, cruelest prick in the world when I stopped trying to communicate with him 30 years ago. The occasional reports I get have not changed my impression.

(He got his heir (last seen beating up “poofters” for sport with his bikie gang), I guess I was the spare but you know, a chick so worth absolutely nothing after my mother’s pregnancy saved him from conviction for sex in a toilet block. Yup, I am a direct result of gay anonymous sex )

I don’t believe he represents all gay men, why do you believe your nicer versions do? Above all they are human beings first and we all know how many flavours they come in.

[TashaKitty]

@Tante_Dillie

As an older woman to a young one, I’m going to be blunt:

I’ve got gay male friends who tell me they are repulsed by female genitalia, by the sight, the texture and the smell. You’re a virgin; the first time you have sex, no matter who it’s with, it’s likely to be a fumbling, messy, embarrassing experience. Do you want to add to the overall awkwardness by choosing a partner (assuming you can get him to cooperate) who is looking at your body and thinking, “Yuck”? Wouldn’t you rather find a man who cherishes your feminine attributes?

Well my friend actually finds the female body beautiful and sketches nude women in his free time. He also has a weird fascination with my breasts.

[Antinor01]

@TashaKitty

Well my friend actually finds the female body beautiful and sketches nude women in his free time. He also has a weird fascination with my breasts.

Many man, including gay ones like breasts. They’re soft and comfortable. I appreciate a nice pair of them myself. I still have no interest in fucking a woman. Zero, zip, zilch, nada.

[Ambivalid]

@TashaKitty

Well my friend actually finds the female body beautiful

OMG! A gay man who finds the female body beautiful! Holy shit! This changes everything!!11!! :eek:

[TashaKitty]

He’s not repulsed by vaginas, either. I masturbated in front of him once and he seemed rather fascinated by it.

[Ferret_Herder]

@Antinor01

Many man, including gay ones like breasts. They’re soft and comfortable. I appreciate a nice pair of them myself. I still have no interest in fucking a woman. Zero, zip, zilch, nada.

Hell, I like mine and I’m a deeply straight woman. Doesn’t mean I’d love to screw a woman.

Edit: Because those bits are different. Dan Savage says he’s had sex with a woman once or twice before he came out of the closet, and the only way he got through it was thinking of gorgeous men. He also once infamously described a vulva as looking like a canned ham dropped from a great height.

But hey, you seem determined to brush aside all the well-intentioned advice. Go for it! The worst thing you can do is irrevocably fuck up the friendship, and maybe conceive a child who’s a lifelong reminder of the friendship’s destruction.

Or maybe it’ll be all fairytales and glitter and you’ll turn him straight and monogamous and undyingly faithful to you. Yeah. That could totally happen.

[CarnalK]

@Antinor01

Many man, including gay ones like breasts. They’re soft and comfortable. I appreciate a nice pair of them myself. I still have no interest in fucking a woman. Zero, zip, zilch, nada.

What if you were offered to raise a kid and be locked into a sexless marriage at the age of 23? Interested now?

[Antinor01]

@CarnalK

What if you were offered to raise a kid and be locked into a sexless marriage at the age of 23? Interested now?

Well, that would clinch it. Stuck with a kid I don’t want, married to a woman that I will never want sex with and have my life ruined at 23? Where do I sign up??

[Blackberry]

@Little_Nemo

I’m not going to assume a pattern from one point of data.

To me, the fact that the guy is gay isn’t really the issue. The OP could be having the same problem if she was attracted to a man who was happily married. Some people just aren’t available and she needs to accept the situation rather than try to change it.

Him being gay specifically may not be the issue, but him being completely unavailable to her very well could be. It’s one thing to wish a guy were straight; it’s another to have elaborate fantasies about having and raising a baby with him, and conceiving the baby through…well, the situations she said.

Sounds like an awesome way to lose your virginity though! The guy stimulates himself because he has no attraction to her, and then at the last minute shoves it in her. Super hot. Not at all awkward and humiliating and probably painful.

We all have weird thoughts but she’s thinking this might be a realistic possibility. That’s a pretty serious issue, not just a coincidence that she happens to like him and he happens to not be available to her. (And Tasha, I’m not trying to be mean, you may be able to get over this and find a healthy relationship, but it won’t be with your gay friend and you really are being *very *unrealistic.)

[Ambivalid]

@TashaKitty

He’s not repulsed by vaginas, either. I masturbated in front of him once and he seemed rather fascinated by it.

Fascinated. Right. That’s just the adjective a girl wants to use when describing the state of her male partner when watching her pleasure herself.

[Thylacine]

Ok, did you see what I just wrote about my dad being gay?

How about I tell you about my mum? She knew from the age of 8 that she loved and was going to grow up and marry my dad, they were both from prominent farming families and she first met him when she spent a summer off from boarding school with her best friend (his sister) at their property. He also went to boarding school, the same one Prince Charles attended in his year in Australia in fact. My guess is that it being a place full of randy teenage boys meant that there was sex between boys aplenty but probably not named as gay. I have no idea if my Dad knew or didn’t know he was gay.

Fast forward, after the standard year abroad at finishing school my mother returned and things were on course, she ached for him, her engagement pictures in the paper were of the happiest young woman I have ever seen.

By the time I met her she was a drunken wreck who shouldn’t have been in charge of a labrador, let alone two children. He was gone off with his artist lover paying the minimum of child support he could. The custody battle when no fault divorce came in was over who would be stuck with us, not over who wanted us.

She was so hurt and damaged because she loved him, he was free of that turmoil because he couldn’t love her. I blame the times more than the individuals but it was a trainwreck, people here are trying to help you avoid such a firey crash, we also know the value of a true friendship.

He may well be able to give you sex, he may well love you but if he is a gay man he will never be able to be in love with you and that means neither of you will ever be happy.

I could also tell you of my engagement to a lovely young man when we were both very young but it is absurd looking back at how we were both trying so hard to not be who we were, me a butch dyke, he a femme gay guy. We split so amicably because we could never break eachother’s hearts. The first woman I dated held a knife to my throat when I ended it, now that was the real thing