My depression should be under control by now (anti-depressants). It’s not. Things are not going well, and most are quite my fault, and I have to rant about it.
I can’t suck it up and do anything but read, watch TV, eat, sleep, hang out with my boyfriend, and drag my ass to work. I want to, but I just don’t have the will-power, which makes me such a crappy human being. I hate hearing about my life… don’t know why I’m forcing it on you all…
I keep switching jobs (because the two restaurant jobs I tried didn’t pan out), so I’m going to take the next semester off of school and save up some money. This is ok, because I don’t like college at all right now. The problem with not liking school is I can’t work up the energy/will-power to go. This is going to kick my ass soon.
I have no money, and I’m so stressed out about that. I can’t even buy bras, even though I only have 3 that are any good.
My period is starting and is going to go till at least the 26th, when I go in for my shot, which is more money that I don’t have. I’d go earlier, but I can’t justify the expense.
I’m in the midst of uncomfortability/angst with a good friend of mine that I’ve crushed on for a few years, on-and-off randomly romantic, except it got randomly romantic with my boyfriend, me and her, and of course, it’s now akward.
I can’t finish cleaning my room. I keep trying, and it gets about halfway and it dies. The I have to do it all over again.
I want to start cutting again, and I want to start purging again. I can’t stop eating, and I promised kiliiboyfriend that I’d quit purging, but it’s killing me not to. I want to, I want to, I want to but I can’t. I just thought about cutting tonight, and now I can’t quit thinking about it. Dammit, I’m so sick of my life falling apart, and feeling like I can’t do anything about it.
I’m sick of doing anything. I’m sick of sleeping, eating, reading (including the boards), driving, fucking breathing, I’m just so sick of it. I keep waking up at night for no reason. I can’t keep my mind in line, and the worst part is that sometimes I feel fine, like when I went to go see my shrink yesterday.
I won’t, but all I want to do right now is cry, bleed, and hurl. What a disgusting person.
When you feel a desperate need to ‘cry, bleed and hurl’, I really don’t think that we Straightdopers are going to be able to talk you through this one. It’s a bit more serious than that, and I think it might be best left to more professional folk than we can claim to be.
You said that you are on antidepressants…do you have a shrink you can see? What about one of the Crisis Telephone Services who can refer you to someone who is better equipped to help you? Your ‘location’ doesn’t indicate which country you are in, but there might be Community Mental Health services as well in your vicinity who provide crisis counselling and such-like.
Please seek some professional help. NOW. Please?
Lynne, I’ve dealt with nasty depression before, and am working towards the “light” again through one. I know there isn’t anything special I can tell you, except that you have to remember those good moments that you have, and keep on living until those moments become a lot more common.
You’re not disgusting. You’re hurting so deeply, but you can feel better again. It’ll just take some time.
What helps me is finding something tiny to do. Like not cleaning my whole room, but maybe doing a whole load of laundry from start to finish, including hanging it up/folding it. Then I cheer myself on for doing it, and then pick something else to do, maybe the next day.
I have some friends coming over. I’m not currently nuts enough to do any of those things (not that I haven’t been nuts enough to do them before.), I just want to. This’d be one of those posting before I think things, which I try not to do. I’m just so tired of all the bullshit associated/caused by my depression, and the fact that it makes me a crappy excuse for a human being.
Somewhere over the rainbow doesn’t indicate a county… I know. I’m in America. Thanks for worrying, I should be fine as soon as they show. The uber-bad impulses have gone for now.
I’ve settled down for now, I just hate feeling like this, so I guess I’m pitting the feelings, and my lack of will-power to just get over them…
Switch anti-depressants. Purging does not decrease caloric digestion by significant amounts at all. Exercise might help make you feel better. Life is hard enough, don’t be so mean to your self. Hang in there and good luck.
She mentioned seeing one just the other day and feeling good at that visit.
Lynne, please consider calling an emergency line, or seeing if your shrink has an after-hours service.
Thanks, I’ll try that.
Originally posted by Ferret Herder
This is REALLY good advice. If nothing else, set a time for 15 minutes and work on ONE task. Heck, you can work on ANYTHING for 15 minutes!
When your 15 minutes are up, stop, congratulate yourself, and go on to something else – rest, tv, or another 15 minute task.
Great journeys begin with small steps. Good luck.
Yeah, even though it doesn’t accomplish the big task I wanted to do (like “Have a clean room”), it’s lots easier to actually finish. That way I can do one or two and not beat myself up if I don’t finish some huge task. I’ve been trying to pick out things I can schedule somewhere obvious for me - like a big wall calendar, or on my PDA in my case - that are easier to do, and yet hard to avoid doing because the PDA reminds me. Then I make sure to cheer for myself, even if I’m not feeling cheery necessarily, and remind myself later that I did X task the day before, etc.
You’re not a lousy human being. You’re just going through a tough spot.
You mentioned you’re on anti-depressants and that you’re seeing a counselor, how long have you been on them? I went on them for an anxiety disorder and didn’t see any postive effects for 4 weeks (though the negative side effects, like dry mouth, started right away). Even then, the dosage wasn’t enough initially and I had to get it upped a couple times–with 4 week lags in between. So it can take a while until the drugs get their desired effect.
Also, the drugs can help put you in a state where you can deal with your problems, but they don’t really solve them alone. I found talk therapy invaluable in giving me ways to cope with what ailed me. Drugs alone just helped me get to the point where I was level headed enough to tackle them. After a year of therapy, I was able to drop my dosage down to 20 mgs from 60. I may always be on that small amount just to even out my brain chemistry. How often do you see your counselor? I saw mine once a week, but she had other patients who came in more frequently, especially when they were starting out and having the roughest time.
Finally, don’t beat yourself up for wanting to cut or purge. Wanting and doing are two different things. Instead of getting down on yourself, you should be congratulating yourself for not cutting or purging–even though you want to!
Please keep hope that things will get better. They will. It’s going to suck for a while and it will be up and down. But you’re not a lousy person and you will get better. People struggle through this all the time. Depression is treatable. It just takes too long sometimes!
FerretHerder and ArcherGirl are right. Choose ONE thing to do and do it. It can be as small a thing as you like. Just do it and reward yourself afterwards when it’s done. In my experience, the less you do, the less you can do; and the more you do, the more you can do. Get professional help. Good luck.
- PW
{{{{Lynne_kilii}}}}
You discribe what is also for me the worst part. Have things to do, but cannot face doing any of them. I have found several tactiks that help.
Work out the smallest of your tasks and force yourself to do it.
Go for a walk, even only a couple of blocks. When come back do a task.
Divide the task of room cleaning into separate bits, and do one of those bits. (binning rubbish, dusting, tidying, vacuuming)
I find leaving an unused bin bag or two out helps, even though I can’t motivate to pick up the bits of rubbish as a job, I find I can do that whilst watching a dvd or something. This is kind of strange in that I will suddenly find myself doing this without having tried to motivate myself.
oh shite. Noone responded for a few days, so I assumed that it was dead. I swear that was all depression, PMS, and lonliness in one fell swoop. It was gone within hours, but then it seemed that the thread was dying, so I didn’t worry about it. I meant to e-mail everyone who posted and say “it’s ok!”. By the time my friends and boyfriend got here (hour 1/2 trip from when they said they’d come) I was fine. Mmmm. Hormones and faulty synapses.
I’m doing much much better, haven’t wanted to purge (haven’t ate so much that I’d want to) or cut, and I am going to do some cleaning tonight. I actually did some of my homework last night so yay.
Thanks all. I just needed the meds to kick in and the hormones to kick off.
Anyway, I don’t have the post count to have a breakdown yet.
I’m glad you’re feeling better Lynne. Hugs anyway. 
Lynne, what a relief that you are better! But please take your O.P. and show it to your shrink. She or he will need to know the extent of your self-destructive tendencies when you are feeling so down and to tell you what to do if that happens again.
There are some things we can do to help ourselves but depression and compulsive behaviors aren’t just a matter of will power.
I didn’t do anything, and she doesn’t know about the cutting or the purging. Those both started while I was in therapy, and I’m done with 'em forever as far as I’m concerned (at least as far as I’m concerned when I’m well, and I’m so sick of being depressed that I’m trying to take my meds religiously.).
So if it happens again… I will, but since it’s not happening, there’s no reason to bring it up… And I’m not going to see her till January, becuase my visits with her are only maintenence now. As long as I’m not a fool and stay on my meds, I don’t need to see her.
I’ve been there, about 3 years ago. Do see a professional. Please, I went through just what you’re talking about. Only no boyfriend.
Hang in there, you’re not alone in what’s going on.