I hate feeling like this

The BBQ Pit
1

Yeah, I know. You all probably looked at this thread and said, “God, it’s just that Angel of the Lord bitch posting another bitch about some godforsaken bitchy topic that no one gives a damn about.”

Well, fuck that, I don’t care. It’s late, I don’t have anywhere else to vent.

I forgot how bad it feels to be this low. I haven’t been in such a long time. How long? A year now? Longer, I think. It’s been a good long while, anyway. But, then, maybe I forget, as time goes on, exactly what it feels like to skim the bottom.

For those of you who don’t know–and that’d be just about everyone–I’m fucked up. Cyclothyme. I’m prone to mixed states. I get them more often than not, and I rapid cycle. I was on medication for a while, but then insurance stopped covering it, and I seemed to be okay, so my parents said “fuck it.” That was a long time ago. I’ve been pretty much okay since then.

But then last week I knew I was coming apart. I just knew, but, goddamn it, I hoped it was just stress, that I was fucking overreacting. Which leads me to right now.

I was bad today. I had to go talk to my academic advisor and I just barely kept it together. I walked back and spent a few hours alone in my dorm room. I went to drama and twisted my ankle. I can’t even fucking walk straight. I went home from drama, and talked to my boyfriend. And I yelled at him, really bitched him out. I feel so bad for that, because he didn’t deserve it. Why do I put him through that? I wish he wouldn’t put up with me. So that he could have someone better.

I hate this. I thought that I was back to normal, I really did. Now I feel like shit. And I don’t have anyone to call. I can’t even fucking cry, because my roommate won’t leave the room. I don’t know where I can go, because I’m stupid and self-concious, and I don’t want to cry in front of people. And I have to write a paper for tomorrow, and I can’t even start, I can’t focus on shit.

And my hands are so dry. I can’t even see getting up tomorrow, or doing anything, and I’m going to have to. It feels like too much.

I hate this.

2

Ack! This is terrible - it’s not right that you should feel this way, and you don’t have to.

Please go and seek medical help. Is there a student clinic or something? Can you contact your parents? Can you get a Dr. to give you samples? Can your boyfriend help?

Depression and manic depression are diseases which can be treated - please speak to someone, and in the mean time, hang in there. You feel terrible now - but it WILL get better.

Al.

3

Angel you need to get help, fast. Perhaps you’re not going to get any worse, but with your history you shouldn’t risk it. Do us Dopers a favor, and get seek help as soon as you can. Worry about the insurance later.

4

If it makes one whit of difference to you, which it may not, i almost wrote this exact same rant yesterday, except in the third person. Decided not to. I ate last night, i felt better. i can’t remember the last week I didn’t cry. I can’t remember the last time I went 2 days without crying. I cried this morning because my brother called and wanted me to give him a ride to work, which would have made me 30 minutes late. I was already late. I cried yesterday for fewer reasons than that. I’ll end up crying over nothing again today.

A couple of years ago, I was proud that I’d beaten my depression on my own, drug-free. thought I’d beaten it. laughs sent it into hiding, maybe. I’ve been straight out depressed since about January 2001 right now, which, ironically, is when I got engaged to the love of my life.

I’m just so sick of feeling this way.

Mom: ‘why’re you upset this morning?’
Me: ‘having a bad day, is all.’

Later - Mom: Did your day get any better?
me: The bad parts are all in my head, Mum. Work wasn’t bad. The bits in my head didn’t get any better.
Mom: What do you mean, in your head? Are you worried? Had bad dreams?

Sigh. she still doesn’t understand :frowning:
Someone stop this ride, I want off.