It started again this week. I know what set it off. My fiance was here for a visit this weekend and left on Tuesday morning. I hate it when he leaves or when I leave him, but usually, I’m upset for a few hours and then begin looking forward to our next meeting. This time, I could feel the low starting. It was all right on Tuesday - nothing heart-wrenching. Then yesterday, it hit like a ton of bricks. That old familiar, horrid feeling.
Yesterday was fraught with bad situations, but nothing that would make me feel like this. A photographer wigged out on an appointment. Mr. Avabeth and I decided to buy less expensive wedding bands because I can’t afford the one he wants. These are not earth-shattering events. These are fucking every day events and all of a sudden, it’s like the earth is about to explode.
I went to Kroger today at lunch to pick up kim chee, this fresh pico de gallo that I like to eat with Club crackers, and Uncrustables (I like them for grab and go snacks). First, no pico. Okay. I can deal with that. Then I pick up two jars of kim chee, and head to the frozen foods. No peanut butter and jelly Uncrustables.
I nearly burst into tears. When I did get back in the car, I cried. Over some fucking frozen PB&Js that I can probably get at Food Lion tonight. But it felt like the world was crumbling around me.
I know that I just have to ride this out. I just have to deal with it and let it pass. But what scares me is that I haven’t felt like this in six months. I have been doing WELL. I have been happy. I haven’t HAD to ride it out in six months and the fact that I don’t KNOW how long it’s going to last scares the ever-living fuck out of me. I’ve had lows that have lasted three months, I’ve had some that have lasted a week. A week sucks, but I can handle that. If it goes longer than that…well, I just don’t know. I wish there were some magic word I could say to make this go away.
And directed at my well-meaning friends- please don’t tell me to just ‘look on the bright side!’. It doesn’t work. There IS no bright side when I feel like this. I can’t just ‘snap out of it’ and I can’t just ‘keep my chin up’. I’m fighting to even MOVE right now. THAT is a struggle for me. I want to crawl in bed and make the world go away. Giving me a pep talk will not help. Just be there for me and help me get past this by supporting me. That’s all I ask.
This is not a pity-me post. I’m simply posting it because I need to get it out and I know that there are others here who understand what it feels like. I know this will not last forever. Writing it down helps, and since I know others understand depression here, this was the most logical place to write it down.
Depression, simply put, fucking sucks.