Pitting my depression - I HATE YOU!

The BBQ Pit
1

It started again this week. I know what set it off. My fiance was here for a visit this weekend and left on Tuesday morning. I hate it when he leaves or when I leave him, but usually, I’m upset for a few hours and then begin looking forward to our next meeting. This time, I could feel the low starting. It was all right on Tuesday - nothing heart-wrenching. Then yesterday, it hit like a ton of bricks. That old familiar, horrid feeling.

Yesterday was fraught with bad situations, but nothing that would make me feel like this. A photographer wigged out on an appointment. Mr. Avabeth and I decided to buy less expensive wedding bands because I can’t afford the one he wants. These are not earth-shattering events. These are fucking every day events and all of a sudden, it’s like the earth is about to explode.

I went to Kroger today at lunch to pick up kim chee, this fresh pico de gallo that I like to eat with Club crackers, and Uncrustables (I like them for grab and go snacks). First, no pico. Okay. I can deal with that. Then I pick up two jars of kim chee, and head to the frozen foods. No peanut butter and jelly Uncrustables.

I nearly burst into tears. When I did get back in the car, I cried. Over some fucking frozen PB&Js that I can probably get at Food Lion tonight. But it felt like the world was crumbling around me.

I know that I just have to ride this out. I just have to deal with it and let it pass. But what scares me is that I haven’t felt like this in six months. I have been doing WELL. I have been happy. I haven’t HAD to ride it out in six months and the fact that I don’t KNOW how long it’s going to last scares the ever-living fuck out of me. I’ve had lows that have lasted three months, I’ve had some that have lasted a week. A week sucks, but I can handle that. If it goes longer than that…well, I just don’t know. I wish there were some magic word I could say to make this go away.

And directed at my well-meaning friends- please don’t tell me to just ‘look on the bright side!’. It doesn’t work. There IS no bright side when I feel like this. I can’t just ‘snap out of it’ and I can’t just ‘keep my chin up’. I’m fighting to even MOVE right now. THAT is a struggle for me. I want to crawl in bed and make the world go away. Giving me a pep talk will not help. Just be there for me and help me get past this by supporting me. That’s all I ask.

This is not a pity-me post. I’m simply posting it because I need to get it out and I know that there are others here who understand what it feels like. I know this will not last forever. Writing it down helps, and since I know others understand depression here, this was the most logical place to write it down.

Depression, simply put, fucking sucks.

Ava

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I’m sorry, avabeth. Hope you feel better soon.

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Yup…and here is to hoping you don’t have the same frustration–>anger–>depression–>frustration loop. Just exiting the anger portion last night.

I think I probably crashed due to the end of Crusin on the Coast.

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Ava, I hope you see a doctor; it’s better to take a pill than to slip into an uncontrollable downward spiral.

If your depressions typically don’t last for more than a week, then you probably know best what to do about it. But depressions can grow in duration from one to the next, so give yourself a deadline, and then go see someone if you’re still depressed when it’s up.

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I’m certianly not telling you look on the bright side, but when I get down I find it helpful to go and do something I enjoy. Making the effort to get up and do it usually takes alot of push because you don’t want to do anything to start with, but they say what you do influences how you feel. So if you enjoy normally watching a particular movie do it, or calling someone in particular or reading a comic book or …well you get the idea. Sometimes the feelings of pleasure come over you.

Anyway, I don’t really know but it’s better than sitting there being depressed.

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avabeth, I have had great luck with St. John’s Wort for my chronic depression. However, it can interfere with some prescription medicines, including some birth control pills, so I urge you to speak to a doctor.

Sending warm thoughts your way.

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Thanks for the kind replies. I live with my parents for now, until my fiance moves here, and I don’t tell them when I’m having a low - I just say I’m not feeling well. So it’s a relief to share my feelings a bit. I do tell my fiance, but there’s not much he can do from four states away - he calls and emails constantly, and I hate worrying him when I get like this, but I’m glad he knows. He knows what we’re in for probably the rest of my life, and it hasn’t scared him away. I love him for that.

MarkofT, not really anger right now - just frustration. Hope you feel better, too. Email me if you want to talk.

lissener, I am on meds, but they’re mainly for my anxiety, which, oddly enough, has been on an upswing. I’ve already forced myself to promise that if this low goes past Sunday, I’ll find a psychiatrist on Monday for both therapy sessions and meds. I’m also afraid to go back on an anti-depression full time. When I was on Paxil last year, I had NO motivation whatsoever. I was an emotionless soul. I’m afraid that another anti-depressant will do the same. I know it’s just a matter of finding the right one that works for me, but even then, I’m afraid of that few months where we’ll have to tweak things to find the right one.

superstar, I do try to make myself get out and do things when I feel like this. I’m making myself go out shopping tonight for my fiance’s wedding band - it’ll give me a happy reason to be out. But I’m also tired. I can tell when a low is going to be difficult because of the fatique. I feel like crawling in bed and not getting out until it’s over. But thank you for the reminder - it’s very much appreciated.

Khadaji, thank you for the suggestion. Unfortunately, I’ve never had much luck with St. John’s Wort. And since I am on birth control and need it to work properly, I try to stay away from anything that might affect it. I’m pretty sure the heavy duty meds are the things I need. But, like I said above, I’m afraid to go back on them.

I do appreciate the words. I know this will pass, it’s just getting through the days it’s sticking around. The one good thing is that I do NOT feel at all suicidal, and when they were bad the last few times, suicide was in the back of my mind. So perhaps they are getting better to a point.

Ava

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You might try SamE instead then. It doesn’t seem to have the same side effects and I have read good things about it. It is more expensive, but if it brings relief, it is money well spent.

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I’ve actually never heard of this - would I find it in the herbal sections where I’d find St. John’s? I’ll keep an eye out and do some research on it - thanks,

Ava

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I know the feeling far too well, including the aforementioned frustration -> anger -> depression cycle.

Sometimes ( but by no means always) it helps me to set tiny mundane goals and concentrate on achieving them - making the bed, washing the dishes, taking out the garbage, that sort of thing. The tiny feeling of accomplishment I feel in achieving this often helps to check the downward spiral.

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I am on birth control
This is probably not the right time to ask you, but…well, my wife had AWFUL mood swings when she would get with child, especially in the first month or so. When you hit Food Lion tonight, maybe purchase that good old piece-of-mind test. One less thing to worry about when it occurs to you as you lie awake tonight at 3:am.

SEASONAL AFFECTIVE DISORDER (SAD )? As you are exposed to increasingly less daylight with the onset of the solstice, your body clock gets disrupted and sleep cycles get frustrated–some folks get depressed simply from the fatigue :o and the very real increasing darkness. I’ve heard of cures as simple as spending a few minutes in the mornings and evenings under a bright light–resets the clock, the mind marches on.

I ‘dealt with’ depression for at least 20 years before seeing the doc about drugs (I did it “just to shut my wife up”). Doc put me on Paxil 12.5 then 25mg. Depression went away, I didn’t notice any personality changes like I had feared–depression had become so much a part of me that I couldn’t comprehend not being dark-minded without a complete personality makeover. As it turned out, the up-side was that I felt I had control over my life and so I felt better.

After 6 or 7 months, however, I got tired of living in an emotional condom and having zero drive at work. I dumped the Paxil and waited for the wall to come. And it did, shortly after the auditory hallucinations stopped (during my withdrawal period, every time I moved my eyes I’d hear a “whoosh” like socked feet shuffling on carpet). Just like a truck. I’m not ready for meds again either, but are you prepared to ask about other brands? Celexa works quickly and does not require the daily long-term dosing like Paxil. I have a close friend (female) who is taking it–only when she needs it. Her doc said that was one of the Celexa options: go long term, go for the duration of the spell, mitigate PMS as needed. A lot like aspirin really.

superstar (without agression) You may or may not know this, but there is a very real difference between being glum and being depressed. Glum is way cool because you can break out of it in a few minutes if say, just the right buddy drops in/calls and you go out & raise hell, biking, door-bell ditching or whatever. And the contrast to the shitty mood earlier in the day makes the good times that much sweeter. Depression is particularly cruel because if the same scenario comes up and you think, “yeah, that sounds like a good idea” you still won’t enjoy it, and the knife gets another twist. For me this was a good way for a murky mood to become positively destructive socially.

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Actually, unless conception occurred on Monday night, probably not a possibility. I did just switch birth control pills, so I’m wondering if perhaps the hormones in the new pills are doing this to me, but I’ve never had a problem with any of them before. And this felt like it started before I began the new pills.

I am prepared to ask my doctor if necessary - it’s actually a strange coincidence, my mother is on Zoloft and I just spoke with my uncle in Florida, and he just started on Zoloft as well - both are doing quite well on it. So since I know depression runs in the family, and both of them are doing so well on their meds, Zoloft may just be the answer. I’m just afraid to take a new med again.

I lived in NYC up until this past February and I was seeing a therapist up there in addition to my meds. I’m beginning to think that I need to get back to the therapist.

Thanks for understanding. I hope you’re able to find a long-term solution as well.

Ava

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I’ve seen it at my local WalMart, but I’d bet that any nutritional outlet, like GNC carries it. (Actually, I did a quick check of the web site and indeed, they do carry it.)

I just did a quick google for it to see if I could find a reputable article on it, but mostly found adverts for it. I did read some good press on it a few years back, but since St. John’s wort is cheaper and works for me, I didn’t try it.

Hope it works for you - if you try it and it does work, and if you think about it, drop me a line, I’d love to know.

Again, sending warm thoughts your way.

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I was very surprised to read all the posts about Paxil not being very good.

I was just diagnosed with depression and started Paxil almost 4 weeks ago and it seems to be working well.

As for motivation, I actually seem to have more than normal, you see I am also obese and have just started exercising every day. Before I kept procrastinating, but now even though I’d much rather play on the computer/watch TV/read trashy romances I do go out and walk every day.

I also like the emotional vacuum part. It has helped me to deal with my emotions. I like not been overwhelmed with anger/frustration/sorrow at any given moment and I still have the ability to laugh and feel happy for little things. I kind of thought that was the whole point of the medication. Being new to this am I wrong?

Maybe I’m lucky that it works for me, or that I have a lot of support in my best friend and immediate family.

Now if I could just figure out how to fix my other problem - my husband left me the day after I was diagnosed with depression because “I made him miserable and was nagging him to death.” Which was true, hell I was making myself miserable. So now along with dealing with the disease I am also dealing with a divorce, a very unfriendly divorce.

Oh yeah did I mention that I am on short term medical leave to get everything figured out. It’s great, my employer has been extremely nice and understanding, but I’m not making any money, my husband isn’t giving me any, and I’m supposed to not get anxious.

Well, the pills must be working, because about 80% of the time I can still be positive. Some days are great, most are fine, and some suck the big one.:rolleyes: :smiley:

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The13thUnicorn,
Holy dogshit! Um…Paxil your friend. Niiiicccce Paxil. Little yellow pill is mother’s little helper.

Paxil gets a tough rap, but given the alernative it is one of a number of good things that have frustrating ide effects. In your case, I’d stay on it until your hitman has completed his assignment. Tell your guy he’s a fuck. Tell him Matchka says so.

Enjoy your new found objective outlook, and make hay before you get tired of it. :slight_smile:

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avabeth, I pretty much know exactly what you are going through. I haven’t had any problems either for like six months, and now I’m missing an alarming amount of school and work because Ijust cannot force myself to get out of bed, or to get up, or to even move.
BUt unlike you, I don’t know what my trigger was.

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Drugs are key, but it’s not entirely true that you can’t think your way out of a depression. I’ve found that one of the major components of getting me out of my depressions, of course with the help of medication, was helping other people through hard times. When a friend’s father suddenly died, and she needed someone to help and comfort her, I lost time to analyze my own depression, lost the energy to not have any energy. And as things were cooling off on that crisis, I realized that feeling useful in that way: trying to support someone ELSE so that they could go on knowing that life was still going to be okay and was worthwhile, actually seemed to have a larger affect on me than it did on them. Coaching someone else far more effective for myself than someone coaching me. So, in a weird way, being around other depressed people can be way better than being around happy people, which is why it makes sense to reach out to the depressed rather than those who’ll glibly tell you to chin up and so on.

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being around other depressed people can be way better than being around happy people

(tongue firmly in cheek, Matchka dons his asbestos suit & takes 3 quick steps towards the door and whispers over his shoulder) because you feel better than the gloomy gusses you’re hanging around–you feel RELATIVELY better! :eek:

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Another sort of therapy that might be worth a try, particularly if you derive pleasure from making others happy, is to do something that will benefit someone else. Feed a hungry homeless person. Help a child who is abused at home. Visit someone in prison who never has visitors.

For one thing, it is a way of pitting your depression in a very real sense. “Here, jackass, take that!” For another, it might help you to feel better by putting things into context and helping you to get your bearings.

God go with you, Avabeth.

20

This is probably a very stupid question, avabeth, because obviously you know your depression better than I, but:
What has your diet been like lately? Say, for the week or so before you noticed the depression? Has your routine changed (less exercise / moving around than usual, for instance)? I notice with MINE that if i have ANYTHING that’s rather high-fat I’ll slide REAL fast into a depression, do not pass Go, do not collect $200.
A handful of potato chips, or a small order of fries is enough to set me off. Heck, even cheese will sometimes do it, although that’s rare since protein helps stave off the fat-related depressions.
And I’ve been told by some friends that theirs is set off by too much protein.
Just a thought.
<reread>
Not very coherently expressed, I’m afraid, but it’s still a thought.