I'm Melting Down

The BBQ Pit
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Read this: The following is a rant. I do not need any responses, especially I do not need people telling me to “seek help”. You do not know enough about me or my situation to suggest this. I am using the Pit to rant, and that is an allowed and acceptable use of it. If you do not want to hear me say these things, then don’t read any further.

I hate Christmas. I hate myself. And thus, I really really hate myself at Christmas.

I came back from my 14-day trip expecting some love and affection at home. I received none. Not even a hug. The last hug I received was on December 15th, in fact. By all indications, that will have to tide me over for a few months.

My end of year reviews are here. Previously, I was ranked the highest performance rating available for 4 years straight. This year, I will be dropped several levels lower to “average” due to my depression this year. Even my Department head looked at me, and said “What the Hell happened to you? You used to be great!” :rolleyes:

I am 3 weeks or more behind in work. The fact that I am my own boss does not make this any less serious, in fact it just depresses me all the more.

I go to the malls near my house. I see many people shopping together, seeming even in the bustle and rush to be at least enjoying each other’s company. Holding hands, linking arms, a quick peck on the cheek on tiptoes as they window shop. Moms walking with their kids, looking haggard but still with an underlying happiness at the season.

I looked in the mirror at myself yesterday for nearly half an hour, trying to say something positive to myself, like my friend Aenea has tried to get me to do. Instead, all I felt was disgust and loathing. So I broke the mirror with my hand. Now I have more bandages on my hand than for the frostbite. No one noticed or cared. Why should they? I don’t.

Today is a holiday for me. I am in at work. It does not matter. This morning, while getting ready for work, I had one of the crushing waves of depression and fear that seems to come from nowhere and sweep you off of your feet. Where you feel like you might say or do anything just to make it stop. Thankfully, it has subsided somewhat. But here I sit, in at work on a holiday, not working.

I have some gifts to mail to people that I need to do. There is no way they will make it before Xmas, but I told them that. However, I am almost done with that, and that will distract me for a little bit. Because I love buying gifts for people if I have an idea of what to give them. In fact, I love giving to people. Just not to myself.

Happy and/or self confident people say I am just doing a “pity party” and being a pathetic loser. Yes, I am. I’m not stupid. I know exactly what I am doing. But I’m not asking for responses, I’m ranting - trying to put down on paper some of how I feel, to possibly act as a relief valve for some of how I feel.

But until you feel like I do you cannot appreciate the cruching, overwhelming feeling of despair. And I know what is said about me in chat, especially lately by some new people there. People in there still haven’t figured out that people talk outside of chat, and that the bots can log all the conversations. On some levels it does not bother me, but on other levels it cuts.

I think I will mail my Christmas presents and disappear this year. Who knows. Everything I write now is being done through the aftereffect of being depressed this morning, so it just as quickly can be reversed.

I hate myself at Christmas. I wish I did not exist.

OK, the rant is done. Now I can go back to staring at Excel and pretending to work.

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{{{{{{{Anthracite}}}}}}}

I know the feeling. I won’t tell you “oh, cheer up, it’s not that bad!” 'coz people who say that don’t know shit about depression.

But rest assured, whenever you want to rant, rage or cry, there are plenty of people here who think you’re “the shit” and are willing to give you love and support.

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You go ahead and rant, but…

I still like you! :slight_smile:

Depression is horrible, you don’t have to justify how you feel to anybody who doesn’t understand it.

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I’m sorry that you are sad. :frowning:

I’ll be your friend and share your sad, OK? Then you will be a little less sad.

(((Anthracite)))

K.

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Get out of my head!!!
You are writing just what I am thinking right about now-
except that I have a “family” I get to pretend to be a part of on Christmas morning. Because I can’t afford a Christmas tree, my ex made the decision that I would bring the kids over on Christmas morning and participate in opening presents.
So I get to sit there, watch my ex wife and kids open their presents, laugh and play with them while trying not to burst into tears like I usually do when I think about how fucking miserable my life is. Then I get to leave them and go to my empty house. Then I’ll go to my uncle’s house and get to hear him tell me to “get over it”.
Meanwhile my work suffers, I get unexplained illnesses that the doc can’t figure out and he helpfully suggests I reduce my stress level- Gee thanks a fucking lot for that pearl! Can I go to med school so I can offer such pithy comments too?

Oh yeah I haven’t experienced any real affection from another adult human in two years either and the only chance I had I couldn’t deal with because I’m so fucked up I don’t know what I want.

This less a hijack than a way of letting you know that there athers out there who are feeling what you are at this time of year.
Mike

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I know how to spell “crushing”. I just am having trouble typing because I don’t feel well.

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Unless and until I feel better, it’s possible this might be my last post for a while here on the SDMB. I don’t know. I do not serve this community I care about so much by posting this shit.

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Well ok, but - like your trip - there will be people waiting for you when you return. My best to you FWIW.

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Una!

I don’t have anthing helpful or insightful to say. You do add to this community, no matter the state you’re in.

Please just take care, Una. We do care.

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I have missed you. Do you live far from Minnesota? You could come have Christmas with us!

I know it’s a little late notice, but everything I do is last minute. I will be starting my shopping tonight, like every other year (except for the years I started on the 23rd and 24th).

We’d like to find you in our stockings, Anthracite! E-mail me.

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(((((Anthracite)))))

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Thankyou Anthracite. You are expressing my thoughts as well. The reason I spend so much time around here is to escape my depression. misery loves company. I don’t think it is healthy though. Fuck it. I just want to get past Christmas.

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((((Anthracite))))

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Una…first {{{{{Una}}}}}

Second, you’re needed here. You bring a wealth of knowledge and a attitude and style that is especially yours to this group, and we would all be the poorer for having lost you.

Third, t’heck with the “serve this community I care about so much” line of bullcrap. I know just how you feel there, but it’s a two-way street. Those who care about you, and in particular those you have spoken up for and who have you on a pedestal so high that that’s the reason you have trouble breathing sometimes, are here for you too.

Fourth, if you’ve got “highest ratings” for three years and they’re now on your shit about it, it’s time to (a) take those skills where they’ll be more appreciated – your company does have competitors, does it not? or (b) tell them assertively though with some courtesy to get off your case, adjust your workload so you can get it done or give you help to complete it if you’re necessary to part of all the tasks you undertake, threatening (a) if they don’t.

Fifth, what you have is a case of the “Christmas blues” – in which good people stress themselves out trying to do for others, drain their own reserves, and then wonder why they’re lacking the “ho-ho-ho Christmas spirit.” Hey, lemme clue you in, nobody who’s burned the last gasp of oil in their lamp, so to speak, feels particularly jovial and cheerful. What they --and you – need is not a dose of Christmas spirit, but enough time to rest and get yourself back on track, and then it’ll come naturally. God rest you merry, Anthracite! :slight_smile:

Besides, if you were gone, who would field all those questions about macerals and fossils in lignite?

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:frowning:

I’m sorry you’re down, Una. I wish I could help.

{{{{{Anthracite}}}}}

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hugs Take care of yourself, hon.

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I think you got lots of hugs to make up for your lack of, but here’s another one for good measure…

hugs Una

I know nothing I can say’ll make it better, but just know that even though you’ve probably never noticed me, I think you’re pretty cool =>

     Lauren
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Una, love~

You are oh-so-welcome to fly up here and have Christmas with my nutty, loving family. I love you, so they will love you too.

You DO have people who love you. Me. Pepper. andygirl.
Others too numerous to name.

I know this doesn’t help much. But it is true.

Email me, okay?

Scotti

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You can’t take time off. What do we do if some nuke zealot comes through here boasting about their “clean” power?

And other folks care, too.

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Well, I don’t think I can say anything elequently constructive right now. Unless “Christmas cheer, bah humbug” would count? :slight_smile: And I only hug my cat. No, well, Anthracite try to look at this message anyway -http://fff.fathom.org/ubb/Forum2/HTML/000231.html