I'm Melting Down

The BBQ Pit
21

Dear Una,

Do you remember when you made the post about feeling like Scrooge on Christmas morning, waking up and not knowing how to be happy, so pretending, but not getting it right? That was one of the most profound things I ever read. I printed it off and put it in my journal. I thought, Una understands how I feel.

So yes, even when you write stuff like this, you are touching people. I’m crying right now because I wish I were there to hug you a million times and tell you how beautiful you are. I wish I could hop on a plane and fly down to wherever you live and make you feel better.

I can relate to a lot of what you said. I don’t think I’m ugly or worthless, but lately I have been an emotional outhouse. I am so terrified of letting someone who genuinely cares about me close, for fear of getting hurt, that I am pushing him away. I regret this, but at the same time I tell myself that it’s enough to be alone, that some people are better alone, that reading and writing and the close friends I have make up for the fact that I too emotionally scarred to let myself be loved by someone. I can tell you over and over again the reasons - everyone I have ever seen love another person has been hurt, I’ve only ever seen bad things come of “love” (whatever that is), that I am so afraid of loving someone that I will probably be single for the rest of my life - but I don’t know how to fix these problems. So I can completely and totally relate to what you write.

Pleas believe that if you leave this board, you will be mourned. Please know that I absolutely needed to read this OP today, after I just told this person that I can’t see him, because I am scared and terrified of being hurt, and that you have made me feel better simply because I know I’m not alone anymore.

Please e-mail me so we can talk in private. FWIW, I am so glad I can consider you a friend, and I’m grateful that I am not alone in my feelings of sadness and impotence, especially at Christmas.

Love,
Sarah

{{{{Una}}}}

22

I’m all bones and I haven’t been in the shower yet but I’ve been told I give good hugs.

I agree with what EJsGirl said – you don’t have to justify anything. If you feel like melting down, this is the place, you’re doing the right thing, talking about how you’re feeling. Same goes for Nacho and MikeG.

(I hope you put some antiseptic on your hand.)

23

I’m so sorry you’re going through a rough time, Una. It can be a rough time of year, especially when you’re tired and stressed out already.

First and foremost, take care of Una. Do whatever you need to get by.

But don’t forget there are a lot of people here who know you pretty damned well, and find you eminently humane, dear and irreplaceable.

Veb

24

{{{{{{Una}}}}}}

I’m painfully aware that nothing I say is going to help, and that I can only point out what I hope you already know. But I will say it anyway–this place would be greatly diminished by your absence, and we would all be the poorer for it. Forget about “serving the community”–let the community serve you now. And ignore the gossips–the braying of jackasses is all sound (or sight, in this case) and no substance.

And one more thing: you have touched people here, as is clear from the responses to this thread. A worthless person couldn’t do that–nobody at all would care. I realize you can’t feel that now, but please at least know it intellectually. Hopefully the time will come when you canfeel it.

You take very good care, Una.

25

I’m sorry you’re having a rough time of it, Anthracite. FWIW, I think you’re pretty keen. Be well.

26

So many posters put it so more eloquently. Una, I happen to care a lot about you - you’ve certainly touched on my life due to your presence here. Do what you need to do, but please don’t leave. We kinda like you here, see ?

Giant e-hug, Spiny

27

Dear everyone,

I was just saying earlier that I didn’t want to keep posting while I was so down, that is, until I felt better. Because then the Board would have been filled with Sad Una posts. And I also wanted to say why I was not going to be answering people in this thread.

Overall, the system works. I feel crushing depression and sadness like I’m going to kill myself. I feel utterly alone, even though so many nice people tell me again and again I am not.

So I rant about it here, and people come and tell me things that cheer me up. They post, mail me, and chat with me like chique. Or post nice sentiments on other Boards even, like techie. And then, when I’ve had some time to soak in the good feelings, and calm down, then the incredibly bad wave of sadness is past - and I can function again.

All of my issues in my rant are still here, but I feel much less alone and barren. So thank you everyone once again. You guys always come through for me when I feel like it is The End. I’ll try to limit these bizarre rants to once a Quarter, how about that?

I was surprised at all of the people who invited me to spend Christmas with them. However, the vast majority of you would not be too happy to have someone like me at your house for Christmas IRL. Although it is touching that someone would share Christmas with me.

I don’t want to hate Christmas. I never sat up one day and said “I resolve to hate Christmas evermore!” On the contrary - to be invited to someone’s house and be accepted would be incredible. Of all the things in the World I could ever want - money, fame, health, peace on Earth - I only would want one thing:

I want to be with a woman that I love, and just love with her all through 1 (one) Christmas season, from start to finish. To giggle over making Christmas lists together. Shopping together for presents, hand in hand. Shopping for her alone, eagerly planning, searching for, and buying gifts that would make her squeal with delight, and make her eyes sparkle. Taking care wrapping the gifts, thinking of how pretty and tempting they will look under the Christmas tree.

To share her presence at parties, to be seen as a couple. To show her off to my friends, and be blushingly flattered when I am unexpectedly shown off to her friends. To sit at nights together under a comforter in our den, in front of the fireplace, watching “It’s a Wonderful Life”, “Scrooge”, and other classics, and laughing and crying at them together. To even go to church and sing Christmas hymns, even though I am not religious. To attend Christmas plays together, even the ubiquitous “Nutcracker” ballet, with her holding my arm and squeezing it in delight at the skill of the dancers.

Then finally - the Christmas Eve party of two. The “opening of ONE present on the 'Eve”. The tender, slow, gentle lovemaking at midnight, as Christmas Eve slips gently and softly into Christmas Day. And then opening of the presents, the squeals of delight and the sparkle in her eyes, the holiday kisses. The big Christmas meal I would cook for her and friends that we would have over. And then I would feed her in the warm kitchen, wrap her in a warm coat (making sure she wears her gloves), and drive her around the city so she could “oooh” and “ahhh” at Christmas lights. And then bring her home, put her to bed and lay next to her so she would know that she was as safe and as happy as anyone could ever be.

What would I give for one, badly stereotyped, incredibly sweet Christmas with a woman I would love? Everything. Even my life.

What happened is that love has disappeared completely from my life, and Christmas is a season that focuses on love. And I feel like a pariah at Christmas - like not only is the entire Season not intended for me, but I am not welcome anywhere.

When I had love, Christmas was great. Oh, not as great as what I babbled about above, true. I can sort of remember it, if I try really hard. But doing so leads to more sadness for things lost.

Depression sucks. And I will continue to look out such that I can be a support to others who suffer from it when it is their turn to rant.

And a special hug to dear Nacho4Sara too, for no particular reason.

28

We have a tradition of having lots of people here at Christmas, and throughout the years lots of them would have had no place else to go. My ex-husband spent more than one Christmas with us when I was already remarried, and my second husband’s ex spent a Christmas with us also.

It’s not too late, if you aren’t too far!

And here’s my spider tree to cheer you. I hope it helps.

---------------------------:)/
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----------------------------:stuck_out_tongue:
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-----------------------:p-------:stuck_out_tongue:
---------------------////\\—////\\
-------------------:p------:p------:stuck_out_tongue:
-----------------////\\–////\\–////\\
---------------:p------:p------:p------:stuck_out_tongue:
-------------////\\–////\\–////\\–////\\
----------:p------:p------:p-------:p------:stuck_out_tongue:
--------////\\–////\\–////\\–////\\–////\\
-----------------------------:eek:
----------------------------////\\

29

Damn! That Spider tree is just intense! Yet another reason I look forward so much to reading your posts. :slight_smile:

30

Um, hon, if their family members are anything like me, and I know some of them are, what’s another depressed person drifting at the edges of the party, taking in the sights and sounds and wishing they could join more fully? We don’t take up much space (well, I do) and are experienced at fitting in corners. It beats the living shit out of being alone and sad. And folks here already know you how you feel right now and don’t expect you to be the life of the party. Maybe you should reconsider one of those invitations.

I don’t like “Sad Una” threads because I don’t like it when you are sad. I do love to watch your friends pull together to lift you up. I only wish we could shield you from your depressive side.

31

People usually cheer up once they get here because my whole family is so damn weird.

I mean it, if you are close enough to get here, come on and spend Christmas with us, and/or Christmas Eve. We are having turkey (if it thaws; imthjckaz just remembered it this morning, thank goodness) on Christmas day, and subs on Christmas Eve.

----:)/ x o x o
----////\\

32

Una:
I hope you’re still checking on this thread. I’m so sorry I missed you this morning, but us Postal employees were at work at 06:30.
I’d love to have your dream Christmas, too. This year is hard for me, with my son being away from home for the first time. I find myself frequently in tears, and let’s not discuss hearing “I’ll be Home for Christmas”.
I know where you are, basically, and know that there is no way for you to get to us, but my daughter and I would love to have you visit. Not just at Christmas, but any time. I promise you will find a loving, accepting environment here, as we both know how judgemental the world can be to those not measuring up to sociatial standards.
You are making a difference every day, especially when you don’t realize it.
Merry Christmas Una.

Debbi

33

Una,

A hug or several await you here if ever you want to visit. Christmas or any time. And you know well that someone like you would be welcome in my home.

{{{{{{{Una}}}}}}}

34

Una, if for some random, bizarre reason you are ever in the vicinity (or are willing to travel), I would be honored to have you at my home. Especially for Christmas. I know enough about you from reading the board that there is nothing about you I don’t know that would make me rescind that offer. (Does that make any sense?)

I wish so badly that I could snap my fingers and give you what you long for the most. However, I cannot. What I can do is offer you a sympathetic ear (if you’d like to talk, just e-mail me and I’ll give you my home number), a promise to send all positive thoughts your way, and a basically useless, but well-meant cyberhug: {{{{{{{{{{Una}}}}}}}}}}.

You are very important here and many people like and enjoy your postings. We would miss you terribly if you were to leave but we would understand and would wait for you with open arms.

35

Anth, much hugs your way. A little suggestion might be to find a little potted plant. It will remind you that there is life all around, and there will be spring after the winter. It could help you.

If not that, you could branch into hating other holidays, such as the winter solstice!

Much love!
Doug

36

Anthracite, you don’t know me… I am a long time lurker but I felt compelled to reply. Quite a few of us know what you are going through. A lot of us have similar problems and know what it is like to feel like your world is getting blacker and deeper. Or in my case, spinning out of control. It will be ok. You know yourself that you can do this. It won’t last long, and you will be alright it the end. There is a light at the end of the dark. There are people that care for you here.

It is a bitty bit to late for you to spend christmas here but you are welcome for New Years, my birthday, or a belated Solstice celebration. There are plenty of hugs to go around here.

My doggies will like you too, and it is hard to be sad and afraid when my dog Keki is wagging her whole behind and waving a toy at you to play with her.
You can email me privately to talk too… I don’t mind. It helps to vent and rant to people who know what you are going through and who won’t be shocked by what you have to say.
Love Ya Anthracite…
Take Care and drop me a thread… :slight_smile: Hugs, Melissa

37

Una,

I know that this sounds ridiculous but you did the above already. In a few short minutes in a store in Poland you did almost all of the things you mention above. Do you think the beautiful girl in that store will ever forget you buying her that fine piece of green amber? In just a few moments you did all of the above things. The short instances of our lives define the tenor of the longer intervals.

That you have the class and romantic inclination to do something so sweet speaks volumes about the character of your soul. Please do not think that this escapes anyone here. I’ll shut up with the glurge here, but I’ll say this to you, anytime you want, email me, I’ll give you my phone number and we can talk.

38

Thank you for your kind words, Zenster. I realize now, however, that I used the girl in Poland as a substitute - a substitute for love. It is what I would have done for a woman I loved that would have been with me - had I someone to love, or someone with me.

It almost makes me feel dirty, that I acted so foolishly.

39

Generous American businessperson spontaneously buys pretty shopgirl a gift, expecting nothing in return–there are numerous classic 40s and 50s movies based on that theme, and no one thinks they were “dirty”.

As long as it doesn’t become compulsive or predatory–and there’s zero evidence of that here–I don’t see any problem with you acting out a fantasy. And thank you for sharing your charming story with us.

40

Thanks whiteho, you made me feel a bit better. :slight_smile: