I'm just so fucking tired.

The BBQ Pit
1

Tuesday night, I was out far too late. My housemate Mike and I really didn’t feel like leaving the Blood Bank until we had done every thing we possibly could, from cleaning up to carrying inside all of the tables and the television to making sure that the people inside had eaten something.

Wednesday night, I threw myself into computer games (specifically Arcanum, which is pissing me off the more I play it) to try and take my mind off, well, everything. I didn’t notice the time until about 1, 2 am.

Now it’s only about 10:30, and I’m just so fucking tired.

But it’s more than sleep dep. It’s weariness.

These last few days have just been far too fucking much an emotional roller coaster. Too much fear, too much anxiety, too much horror, too much anger. I’ve seen some of the best sides of my friends, countrymen, and fellow humans; I’ve seen some of the worst sides of the same. Sometimes within the same person in the same time.

I’ve been close to just collapsing in tears three times today. Every time I see the destruction, I hear the reprise of the initial reports, I hear something somber or sad, I feel it all well up within me again. And it wears at me, tires me, makes me feel all used up.

Reports are in at ABC that there were two more groups of terrorists who tried to board planes today. And I wonder if I will ever be able to sleep right again, ever be able to close my eyes without thinking about what I might open them to.

I don’t know what’s going to happen. I know what I would wish would happen- for all terrorists to throw down their weapons after the sudden realization of the true devestation they could cause, and to rather talk the issues and mobilize and act non-violently.

While I’m at it, I’d like a pony.

Well, at least I have tomorrow off. I can sleep in, worry about the things that are more in my direct life (like bills and laundry that have been untouched since Tuesday) and go off on the weekend to see friends that I worried I might not see again.

I apologize for this- this is probably more of a whine than a rant, and more suited to MPSIMS. But I’m just too tired to put any force into what I say; it all just seems a waste.

Good night, all, and may it actually be a good night.

2

We’re all tired, hon.

Physically because we can’t sleep. Emotionally drained. Psychologically weary.

Or at least I am. But I have to sleep tonight to be worth a damn at all tomorrow.

Same goes for you.

So, sweet dreams.

3

Um, I don’t do net hugs, they just don’t work for me. So here’s a brief speech on what a nifty guy you are instead:

John Corrado, you are one serious badass of a poster here and a credit to the name John. You helped the victims in the real world and struck a blow for goodness and justice here on the board by fighting back against the hateful. You may be weary, but you got that way fighting the good fight. So lay back and let the world spin without you for a while. You’re one of the good guys, and you’re one of the people who kept my faith in human nature going throughout this ordeal.

–John Altum

4

nods

I hear ya.

5

The only reason I’ve slept the last two nights is because I basically drugged myself into unconsciousness with Benadryl. Otherwise I’d be in the same boat, because I can’t lie down without having the wheels start spinning, spinning, spinning.

So I’ve slept, but I’m emotionally worn out. I’m overloaded with sorrow and horror. I’m angry. I’m depressed.

I’m torn between wanting to stop everything to pay respects to the wounded and dead, and wanting to carry on with the business of living, to show those motherfuckers they can’t beat us.

Good night to you, too, John, and everyone else. And may we all wake up tomorrow and NOT hear more bad news.

6

Yup. All love, JMCJ.

7

The only reason that I’ve been able to sleep the last two nights is because of judicious application of mass quantities of alcohol. I’ve called the local Guar Recruiter trying to find out of I can go back into the Military. I need to lose about 10-20 pounds and no problems. All I want is to hit back and hit hard. Yet…I see the families on TV that are looking for ANY signs of their loved ones and find myself sitting there with tears flowing down my cheeks…
I could say more but, what would be the point?

8

We’ve all been running on mental, physical and emotional overload, and some of us are just running out of steam.
I went home from work early this morning and slept through some of my classes, but I still feel as though I’ve been awake 36 hours or more. I’m not eating well when I do get a chance to eat. I’ve had so much diet soda today trying to stay awake, if you gave me a brethalyzer right now, I’d blow a 1.2 for NutraSweet. I’m so wound up that I jump whenever someone touches my shoulder or says my name. I wish I could go to bed and hibernate or something.

I’m on the copy desk again tonight, and I’m supposed to be at my best, but I keep making stupid mistakes. Spelling “bin Laden” as “bin Ladin” in the big type? Sure, why the hell not? Cut four lines out of one story instead of the one it was supposed to come out of? Right up my alley. I’m getting so angry at myself because I’m so much better than that. I have the Dow Jones Newspaper Fund test coming up, and I can’t let myself keep slipping. I’d normally have the day off tomorrow because we only publish Sun-Fri, but if Bush declares war or something else horrible happens, I’ll have to come in and work on the Saturday extra. I’ll throw up if they call me, I swear to god I will, because I’ve spent so much energy keeping on top of the news that I’m too worn out to edit it any more.

If this keeps up, I’m going to start having panic attacks. I’m sick of being a grownup about all this. I want my mommy.

Sorry to be a big stupid baby all over your thread, John, but I just couldn’t stop once I got started.

9

I feel exactly the same way. It’s like I’m a zombie. I’ve had no desire to play games, to play with the kids(normally one of my favorite pastimes) to do my work or anything. I haven’t gone to bed before 2:30 or 3:00 and still have to read myself to sleep. The alarm goes off about two hours later. My wife lets me sleep a little longer, but we have things we still have to do. We’re all quiet around here for the past couple days. Housework is being put off, and we will have houseguests tomorrow. Somehow we can’t seem to muster the energy to do anything about it. Luckily our friends will understand, but it still feels wrong to be this drained. The brightest point was when my wife and I were in line to donate blood Tuesday for several hours and then a couple more hours on Wednesday. The people coming together from many walks of life to do anything they could to help was very heartening. I just wish we could pull ourselves out of this funk.

Steven

10

This whole shit hit in the middle of one of my busiest weeks in grad school. So, the news junkie that I is decides that the only recourse is just not to sleep. I’m still at work at 11:15 PM, got another 3 hours at least, and I’m going home and watching news until I get dead tired at around 5 AM. I’ll wake up by 8:30 AM and watch news until I go into work by 10. Then a full day of working inside a room with no windows sorting mutant flies listening to crackly NPR and whatever AM news radio we can get. And do it all over again for the next week. I haven’t seen my wife awake for any length of time longer than 30 minutes for dinner since Tuesday.

I haven’t cried in 15 years, and I found myself on the verge when I watched the Queen’s changing of the guard play the Star Spangled Banner. Random shit like that.

We all need a long relaxing weekend of drinking, porn, and college football. Unfortunately that won’t be for a long time coming. We will remember this week clearly for the rest of our lives.

11

Yep. I’ve managed about 6 hours sleep in the last–what?-- 48?
It’d be different if I could count the fatigue toward actual, constructive something but mostly it’s chalked up to stewing.

I’ve dragged into work–mostly from pissant contrariness–but couldn’t connect what I was doing with the broader world.

I’m still muddled whether monitoring every info-spurt is civic duty, bearing witness, Oprahaesque voyeurism or plain damned hubris. I hadn’t even turned on my TV in months and now I keep turning to it.

No matter what, monsters are abroad in the world and it’s gonna be a long, hard haul. The Greatest Generation fought their monsters on different terms from WWI. Guess monsters keep breeding and evolving.

It’s our turn. Maybe “share your pain” will balance “suck it up” somehow or other. Kinder, colder, surgical war?

Gaaack. We’re in the first shock; fatigue is a calculated outcome. Get some rest. It’s early days. We’ll get the hang of sleeping like a baby through godawfulness.

::feral smile::

It’s in the blood. We’ll rediscover and redefine the knack.

Veb

12

I feel for you John. I feel for all of us right now and it’s difficult to justify a selfish moment during all of this but I do feel it’s necessary when the stress and the chaos of these events leave us limp with despair and exhaustion.
When I heard today (the 14th) was declared a day of remembrance, I decided that I would do absolutely nothing. Like the majority, I have cried … but the tears come and are forced back… trying to hear the news, trying to concentrate on the President’s comments, distractions of work, family, explaining this madness to the kids, more news, give blood, cry some more… contain the tears and stay focused and informed.
I am not religious. I do not pray. I suppose the tears are my version of prayer and they have been constantly interrupted, choked back and set aside. Today I will not work, clean my house, pay my bills, answer phones or deal with any other form of distraction. I am taking my boat out on the water, my church I suppose, where I can sob… where the stress, anger, pain, fears and sympathy of all these events can find their proper places within me.
We have been told to carry on, to be strong and to try and keep a sense of normalcy to the best of our abilities. These things are all very important but for me, it’s just not working anymore. The mourning in brief sessions on and off since this tragedy began have left me fragmented and defeated. I can’t discuss or debate any longer and I desperately need the isolation and the emotional release. I know I will be a more useful and well-proportioned person by the end of this day.
May we all find the inner peace and strength to deal with all of this and continue to share and support one another.

13

Today, for the first time, I cried. I was checking cnn.com and read the article about how nations in Europe are holding periods of silence in honor of those lost in the attack. Lockerbie, sight of the Pan Am explosion, tolled their church bells for three minutes. When I read that I just welled up and had to close my eyes.

I teach eighth graders, and after Tuesday’s worried discussions of would there be war and would their dads be drafted, I haven’t heard any other concerns from my students. I’m sure they talk about amongst themselves, but not in front of me.

I’m finding myself short-tempered, impatient, and very cranky with my students. God knows I can’t cry in front of them. So, I hide my feelings and end up being an Evil Bitch Monster Teacher From Hell. sigh

I’m so tired right now. I just want to go see my parents and other family members, put my head on my mom’s shoulder, and make the bad things go away.

14

My proximity doesn’t allow me to understand the fear you are all feeling. Canada historically has never been the target, so as a result, I don’t feel my home city has potential for terrorist activity.

After the 11th, I still don’t fear terrorist attacks happening to my city. Even though it’s very possible.

That is exactly what was taken from the American people that horrific day. Life without fear of attack. It’s a natural reaction to feel the way you do, and the shockwaves are worldwide. Time will begin to heal and life will begin to return to normal before long. But I think we all agree, that it will never quite be the same as before.

The terrorist goal was to install that fear, and I know the American people won’t let that feeling go on forever. The memories and images may never fade, but the fear and the pain will soon.

John (et al) - you will be able to look back on this week years from now, look at yourself in the mirror, and say to yourself that you did all that you could to help out.

You are one of the many anonymous heroes.

What started as America’s greatest tragedy may eventually lead to America’s greatest triumph, and the world’s.

My thoughts are with you and your nation.

take care
neil

15

“I’m tired, tired of playing the game. Ain’t it a freakin’ shame. I’m so…let’s face it. Everything below the waist is ka-put.”

  • From the Mel Brook’s movie “Blazing Saddles” :smiley:
16

Hey meek,

If it can happen in Whitehorse, it can happen to you. NORAD told us Yukoners that a Korean jet under hijack was landing on us in less than an hour…

We’re still chewing this over.

17

I did add that part about “Even though it’s very possible.”

Possible yes, but unlikely. As compared to south of the 49th.

I hope that Canadian border and airport security will be upgraded. No nation is completely safe.