I'm just so tired. How does one end it?

[FallFast]

I need a partner, a help-mate, someone who puts my needs and desires first.

mmm… forbidden doughnut, could you explain what a “help-mate” is? I’m probably way wrong, but in my head this keeps ringing out as needing somebody to help me do my stuff (a servant), then go get your stuff done.

Plus, that part about someone who puts my needs and desires first sounds like you want to be placed on a pedastal. Again, this is me, I would never want to be placed like that. I want to be an equal. Where my needs and desires are on equal levels with my partner. Sure sometimes my needs and desires come first, but then sometimes my partners are.

I’m not trying to stir anything up here just trying to clarify what you meant.

[Beadalin]

could you explain what a “help-mate” is?

I am not donut, but I think I can field this one. A helpmate is your partner in meeting challenges; s/he helps you as much as you help him/her. The word usually is reserved for spouses, because of the strong implication of deep commitment.

someone who puts my needs and desires first sounds like you want to be placed on a pedastal

I didn’t interpret that the way you did. I think what she means that her husband should put her needs ahead of, say, his desire for other women (real or porn), ahead of his desire to cut her off when she tries to talk about anything (even mundane stuff), etc. He is making choices that are damaging their marriage. He should be considering her needs first and making sure they are met before he indulges in other efforts.

mmm… forbidden doughnut: While I also think the stance on porn is extremely harsh, those were the terms that BOTH people entered the marriage understanding. On all other fronts, he seems to be failing you and doing so deliberately. It is his choice to deny you sex, his choice to work 100+ hours a week, his choice to refuse conversation, his choice to largely ignore your child.

And by that token, it is your choice to stay, and yours alone (not your son’s). You have done everything you can to make the marriage work; if your husband won’t meet you halfway, it’s time to get out before you truly model this unhappiness as what family is all about for your child, and even moreso for yourself. Children are happiest with happy parents.

[badmana]

Like others I don’t want to assume anything so please don’t jump on me if I make a few (wrong) assumptions.

The porn part did stand out to me. To even consider “watching porn” as a logical grounds for divorce sounds rather silly. I get off on porn even with a GF quite willing (and able) to satisfy me. It doesn’t mean anything and I make sure she knows it. Sure, maybe your husband was wrong not to at least tell you what he’s doing, but to divorce someone over that strange (to me).

At the point you’re at now though, I believe it might be one of your better choices. But that’s for you to decide. I assume that if your husband is working 100+ hours a week then he’s bring in most, if not all, the money to the household? Are there any other reasons why he would need to work so much? I mean, if he’s working hard to pay all your bills you shouldn’t fault him for it until you have something more solid (like another mistress). At this point it seems to me that he’s working hard to keep the family together and in a house.

I agree with the other dopers, you need to open up some serious communication with your husband. Maybe he feels the same way you do about the marriage?

When it comes right down to it though, do whatever you need to do to keep yourself and your kid safe. Good luck.

{mmm… forbidden doughnut}

[mmm.forbidden_doughnut]

*Originally posted by FallFast *
**mmm… forbidden doughnut, could you explain what a “help-mate” is? I’m probably way wrong, but in my head this keeps ringing out as needing somebody to help me do my stuff (a servant), then go get your stuff done.

Plus, that part about someone who puts my needs and desires first sounds like you want to be placed on a pedastal. Again, this is me, I would never want to be placed like that. I want to be an equal. Where my needs and desires are on equal levels with my partner. Sure sometimes my needs and desires come first, but then sometimes my partners are.

I’m not trying to stir anything up here just trying to clarify what you meant. **

First, I thinkof a “help-mate” as someone I can rely. Whether it’s to take out the trash or hold my hand while watching a movie. Someone who’s there physically and emotionally. No, I don’t want a servant. I also don’t want to be one. I don’t think of marriage as a codependent relationship. I do think of it as an interdependent relationship.

The second part of your post, I agree with. I don’t want to be on a pedestal. I do want to be an equal partner. I understand that I don’t always have to come first. I would just like to come first sometimes. And as it stands now, I don’t. Ever. Not that I can tell.

[Missy2U]

mmm…forbidden doughnut, email me. What I’d like to say isn’t appropriate for the board. No, it isn’t mean or nasty or anything, I have some experiences from my past I’d like to share with you that may help give you some perspective and some support, however, I don’t feel they’re appropriate for the board.

[DeVena]

Counseling - go back. Your husband needs this, even if he doesn’t know it. I would look into Christian Couples Counseling because of your background; some churches provide counseling at reduced cost. But even if he won’t go, you need to.

OK I’m going to be really practical about this… If you want a divorce, there are certain steps you need to take.

Credit - do you have credit in your own name? Not shared with your husband? You need to establish a credit history if you haven’t already. This is a good idea for all women, whether or not you get divorced. Open a checking account, get a low balance credit card, make small purchases and keep the card paid off. Look into having your paycheck directly deposited into your private account.

Do you have a job? If not, you need to start looking. Unless your husband is independently wealthy, you will need to have some sort of steady income.

On a related note, get a post office box. A small box rents for about $50 per year, depending on where you live. You can have your bank statements, etc mailed here and not to your house.

Look into this - Divorce as Friends. I have a friend who recently divorced and she said that this was a god-send.

Get a lawyer. I can’t stress this enough. You need someone who can make sure everything is happening correctly and nothing is being left out.

Good luck - whatever you decide, you are in my thoughts and prayers.

[mmm.forbidden_doughnut]

*Originally posted by Beadalin *
**I am not donut, but I think I can field this one. A helpmate is your partner in meeting challenges; s/he helps you as much as you help him/her. The word usually is reserved for spouses, because of the strong implication of deep commitment.
I didn’t interpret that the way you did. I think what she means that her husband should put her needs ahead of, say, his desire for other women (real or porn), ahead of his desire to cut her off when she tries to talk about anything (even mundane stuff), etc. He is making choices that are damaging their marriage. He should be considering her needs first and making sure they are met before he indulges in other efforts.

**

Exactly what I meant. Very nicely put. Thanks.

[Aries28]

Wow…this sounds familiar.

I got pregnant when I was 21 and married the baby’s father, which was a huge mistake. He was much older than I was and said he was ready to settle down, I would make a terrific wife and mother, he was so lucky to have found me, etc.

When our son was 6 weeks old I came home one day and found my ex had moved the crib into the master bedroom and turned the nursery into a bedroom for himself. He stopped sleeping in our room and left me and the baby in there. When I asked why he said it was because he thought it would be easier for me.

He spent hour upon hour watching porn. He would literally lock himself in the second bedroom for 8-9 hours at night and I would take care of the house, the baby, life, etc. There would be days I wouldn’t even see him because he worked odd hours.

I didn’t have a husband or a marriage and I realized that by the time our son was about 14 months old. I left. It was hard and I had the same thoughts you did…“Nobody else is going to want me. I’m 22 and divorced with a baby…”

I thought these things because my ex put them in my head. When I would beg and cry and plead with him about not spending any time with me or the baby but having so much time to look at other women on the net he would tell me it was because I “did nothing” for him. I was useless. I wasn’t what he wanted. He would flirt with any other woman around and I remember how much it hurt.

Whether I realized it at the time or not those words stuck deep in my head and I started to think they were true. I was ugly. I was dumb. I could never find anyone else to love me. No one would want me. I couldn’t keep a man satisfied. I obviously was doing something wrong when it came to sex. I sunk into a terrible depression. I weighed 96 pounds. I never ate. I never slept. I was miserable. I can look back at photographs of me during that time and it is shocking at the difference.

NONE of these things were actually true. HE had the problems…not me. But it took me a year of self loathing to finally wake up one day and get that. Don’t put yourself or your child through that.

If he isn’t willing to get some help then as much as you think you love him…you have to be strong and make a life for you and your child. You will find yourself down the road so much happier and wonder how you lived that life that was empty.

Our son is now 7 years old and he has a wonderful life…MUCH better than what he would have had if I had stayed with his father.

And, of course, I met my beloved Sauron who is happy with me for who I am and doesn’t need or want to look at anyone else.

I definitely feel for you. I hope it gets better.

And as others have mentioned, consult an attorney. Know your rights and don’t get taken advantage of.

[mmm.forbidden_doughnut]

*Originally posted by DeVena *
**Counseling - go back. Your husband needs this, even if he doesn’t know it. I would look into Christian Couples Counseling because of your background; some churches provide counseling at reduced cost. But even if he won’t go, you need to.

Our counseling before was Christian and Couples. I do plan on going back alone.

Credit - do you have credit in your own name? Not shared with your husband? You need to establish a credit history if you haven’t already. This is a good idea for all women, whether or not you get divorced. Open a checking account, get a low balance credit card, make small purchases and keep the card paid off. Look into having your paycheck directly deposited into your private account.

Well, we have credit together but I don’t know about seperately.

Do you have a job? If not, you need to start looking. Unless your husband is independently wealthy, you will need to have some sort of steady income.

Yes, I’m a teacher so I don’t make a lot of money but I think it is enough for my son and me to live on.

On a related note, get a post office box. A small box rents for about $50 per year, depending on where you live. You can have your bank statements, etc mailed here and not to your house.

Good idea. Thanks.

Good luck - whatever you decide, you are in my thoughts and prayers. **

Thanks so much. I can use all the good thoughts and prayers I can get.

mmm…

[mmm.forbidden_doughnut]

Missy2u, I emailed you twice yesterday but you didn’t respond. Did you receive it?