Note to Mods: I don’t know if this belongs here or IMHO. My apologies if I’ve mis-placed it.
I’m not accustomed to whining and/or bearing all to strangers but I need some help. Here’s my story…
I’ve been married for 10 years and the first 5 were very good (I thought so, anyway). Then one day, about 5 years ago, I caught my husband looking at internet porn–A LOT. I told him if he ever did it again, I’d divorce him. After that, we started trying to have a baby. I have several infertility issues and it took us about 3 years to get pregnant. Finally, we found out we were expecting and we were so thrilled. About 2 weeks later, I caught him on the internet porn again. I was crushed and terrified of being pg and alone. So, I stayed. Our sex life just died. I’d initiate and he’d push me away. Over and over. Finally, the more pg I got, the more the rejection hurt–feeling like a fat cow and all. So I stopped trying. About 6 weeks before our son was born, he started an affair that lasted 8 months. By the time I knew about it, it was over by several months. I found out on 1.02.03 and I just died. I decided to stay with him because of 2 things: I figured I’m 33 years old with a baby…who’s gonna want me? and our little boy is so happy when the three of us are together. So, I thought I’d give it a year.
It’s now been 10 months and things really are not much better. He still works about 100 hours/week (not exagerrating), we have had sex only about 5-6 times in that 10 months, despite my repeated requests. We went more than 2 full years with no sex at all. Nada. Not even once. He promised me that he’d spend every day for the rest of his life making it up to me and I don’t think he has. He has even said he hasn’t given it his best effort. He’s uncommunicative, when I try to talk even about mundane stuff (much less our marriage), he cuts me off. We did go to marriage counseling for a while but quit mostly because of money but also because of time.
He says he loves me and that I’m a wonderful wife. I do love him but I can only take my needs being ignored for so long. I need a partner, a help-mate, someone who puts my needs and desires first. I’ve given up any realistic hope (there’s still that fantasy hope that won’t go away) that things will get better because when I’ve told him what I need, he says OK, OK but it never changes. I’m not afraid of being alone anymore. I think that reaction was just a reflex from the blow to my self-esteem just finding out he’d had an affair and hadn’t wanted sex from me for a long time.
Will my little boy adjust? Is this going to mess him up for life? Is it wrong to want a full life when my little boy is so happy with us together? I don’t think this is an example of a happy marriage for him to follow. And I don’t think I can live like this for the next 16 years or so. Also, the hurt from the affair is still so sharp. I don’t feel like I trust him any more now than I did 10 months ago since he “works” so much and I can’t get ahold of him most of the time when he’s at his office. Also, I’ve gone up to his office to surprise him and he’s not been there every single time. He comes up with some excuse.
How does one end it? Talking to him hasn’t seemed to help. The last time I tried to put my foot down and get him out, he sobbed and said we’d be better off if he was dead. I know it’s manipulation but couldn’t it also be valid? I don’t want my son to be without a father. I just want to get out. On the other hand, I am scared out of my mind for my financial situation. I’m a teacher and don’t make much money. I just don’t want to stay because I’m too freakin’ weak to leave. I know my “hope” that things will get better isn’t based on reality as it’s been presented over the last 10 months. Still, it stupidly persists,
Before anyone even asks: no, there is no one else in my picture.
Does anyone have any advice? I’d appreciate it so much. Thanks.