I'm not ignoring you!

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

This is a bit of a rant, but it isn’t pit-worthy, and I really do love my wife, so I’m hesitant to put anything about her in the Pit. But . . .

Dear Wife:

OK, look. I’ve had enough of this. I’ve had enough of you complaining that I’m never home, and I don’t spend enough time with you, and that I’m ignoring you.

Just over a year ago, you lost your job. And that sucks. I know you worked hard to get that job, and that career. You went to grad school. You worked through the entry-level jobs. You finally got somewhere in your career, and then it all fell apart as the financial industry collapsed in New York.

So you decided that you would repurpose yourself. You had no desire to go back to a business that had treated you so badly, and that might never recover to its pre-crash levels. You decided that you’d go to grad school, again, in an entirely different field, one that, although lower-paying, is more recession-proof and of greater value to society. And, because we’re not in our twenties anymore, you thought it best to go to school full-time, so that you could finish the program in a reasonable amount of time.

I supported this decision. I think it was a good one. I still do. I want you to be happy.

As you know, we have some serious overhead. We have a mortgage, along with the ancillary costs of co-op ownership. We have a car. It’s paid for, but there’s still insurance and maintenance, and the cost of the garage, and gas, and so on. We need food and clothes and even the odd bit of entertainment once in a while.

So we decided, together, that for a while, while you weren’t working and were in school, I would work two jobs. I work 9 to 5 at the same job I’ve had for a few years (the one that provides our health insurance, by the way). And I work another job from 5:30 to 11:30, with no benefits, but it does bring in $29.00 an hour, five days a week, and sometimes on weekends, too, when I can get the work.

As a result of all that work, which has been going on for about a year now, we still have our apartment, and our car, and we get by. We really do. And you get to go to grad school without having to hold down a job at the same time. Which makes both of us happy.

So, here we are. Yes, I’m tired. Yes, I’m not home a lot. But that doesn’t mean I’m ignoring you. Or that I don’t want to spend time with you. It means I’m working my ass off so that we can have the life we both want. You knew I’d be working like this a year ago. If you don’t like it, quit grad school and get a job. I don’t know what else to say to you. I don’t especially like it either. Stop whining.

2

You’re working from 9:00 to 11:30 at night every day? Wow…I salute you.

3

Dayum, Saintly Loser, do you sleep at all? That schedule would tire out John Henry the Steel Drivin’ Man.

I know you’re not asking for advice, but your wife might be worried about grad school being a marriage killer. Is someone in her cohort getting divorced?

Good luck!

4

I get enough sleep. I’m home by midnight, up at 7:30. No problem.

It won’t be a marriage-killer. I’m all for her going to grad school. I was just annoyed today about some complaints. No big thing. All will be well.

5

I was once your wife, sort of. Mr. S’s job situation sucked, to the point that he wasn’t home a lot, and when he was, he was tired, and he worked a lot of nights and weekends and holidays, and there I sat at home alone.

I resented him for it, and then I got mad at myself because I knew I had no right to resent it, and then I felt sorry for myself because I didn’t have the right to my feelings . . . and all those bad feelings occasionally bubbled over and I would lash out at him. And then immediately apologize and say I had no right to yell at him for something that was not his fault and was my problem to deal with, and then we’d both feel bad for a while, and then we’d make up, hold each other, and say, “This too shall pass.” And eventually it did.

As long as you continue to hold each other as the most important thing, it’ll all come out OK in the end. :slight_smile:

6

It can be tough. Like your wife, I went back to school too to change careers, only I’m doing it the hard way and getting another undergrad degree. 4 years of insanity, stress and exams (I have a midterm tomorrow at 8:30am actually!) was a big deal to undertake. My husband works a good job and can support us on his salary, but he often works overtime and also travels for work a few times a year (3 trips of 2-3 weeks each per year, at minimum), so sometimes it does feel like he’s never home. In his case, he’s beginning to dislike his job, and he’s sticking with it until I graduate even though I know it makes him miserable.

It can be stressful to feel like a choice like this is defining your life, but in the long run, it really is making me happier and that will make his life better too.

Good luck to both of you!