I’m in a bit of a “damned if you do, damned if you don’t” situation, and I am wondering how my fellow dopers have handled similiar situations.
I’ve been looking for meaningful full-time work for over 2 years with no luck. I have been offered a job in another state that would take me from my current $16k/yr no benefits to $38k/yr full benefits. This is a position I would enjoy.
However, my serious girlfriend (married in all but name at this point) has two more years of university still, and transfering schools is not an option. So she would not be able to come with. Honestly, I don’t know how the relationship would go if we are apart for 2 years.
So basically, I can work a soul-crushing job and have a good home life, or I can actually have a career and be lonely as hell.
How have you all dealt with similiar situations in the past? What was the outcome? My mind boggles.
Personally, I prefer to leave my soul un-crushed. So I’d take the job.
Two years apart sucks, but it’s doable. I assume you could see each other in person a few times at least during that. Email and web-cam chats will help.
I wish I had an easy answer for you, but I get it. Right now more than anything I want to live abroad in South or Latin America for a minimum of one year. Ideally I’d join the Peace Corps, which is a 2 year time commitment. It would have an incredible impact on my career prospects and probably make me into a much stronger and more competent person.
But I am married, and I love my husband. He can let me go for 6 months maximum, but he feels a year is too much. And truth be told, I know in my heart that he is right. He will start graduate school next year, and then maybe I will apply to my own graduate school – but maybe I will have to apply out of state for a program I like? The alternative is throwing an application at his own school of choice and hoping it sticks.
I had always been told marriage is a compromise, but I didn’t realize it was a compromise about things that are really important. I do not think my relationship with my husband would fall apart even if we were separated for 2 years, but that is a freakin’ long time. Is becoming completely fluent in Spanish worth missing two years of my marriage?
These are not easy questions. What I find most interesting about your post is that you’re not sure how the relationship would go for a two year separation. How serious are you two? Do you really think this move has a likelihood of irrevocably destroying your relationship? Then maybe, like me, you will have to chose… or compromise.
I also think the answer to this question depends on how old you are. If you are young, say early twenties, I think it’s more likely that time apart could change you in such a way that you’ll grow apart. If you were in your forties, say, and had established career tracks, it would be different. I believe that it’s easier for people to grow apart when they are young and still discovering themselves. But I have never personally been any older than 24, so I don’t know.
Take the job. If the relationship does not do well two years apart so that you aren’t in a soul sucking job, it isn’t a relationship worth spending the next fifty years together. It isn’t like this is a situation where family means that you are leaving her alone with three kids in diapers and a half acre of yard to maintain. Two years will go by in the blink of an eye.
I would be in favor of moving. If it’s a forever relationship, 2 years with visits is not huge. People endure through military deployments of that length on a regular basis. If it’s not a forever relationship, the career sacrifice isn’t worth it. When you say you will be lonely as hell in the new job/ location, you don’t really know that. Yes, you will miss your girlfriend between visits, but other than that you don’t really know how it will go. Once you are not broke and in a soul crushing job, you may improve your social life as well. She could probably join you for the summer/summers and maybe even transfer or do e-learning for a semester. Most college programs aren’t complete intractable.
If you were married and had kids I might answer differently, but since you really are just dating, well, let’s be realistic: Even if you stay in town, she might break up with you, and then you’ll be stuck in that dead end job for nothing. So I really think if I were you I’d have to take the job and hope the relationship was strong enough to survive. Good luck!
After a days consideration, the thought occurs that if I can find an apartment that rents by the month, there is nothing preventing me from continuing my job search here while working there…
To answer the few inquiries, I’m 23, she is 20.
Thanks for all the responses so far. Olives, your story made me feel a bit better. Anyone else got any?
I third (fourth?) the advice that you really, really should take the job . . . I missed out on two really awesome study abroad opportunities because of a relationship that was also, “married all but in name,” while an undergrad, and quite regret it. If it’s meant to work, it can survive two years.
Also, honestly, you really should evaluate, I think, whether or not you’re two steps away from marriage, particularly as she is only 20. How many people end up marrying the guy they are dating at 20?
Furthermore, many marriages do end in divorce. So my point is, the permanency of your relationship is at the very least open to analysis.
Oh, also, you mention trying to find an apartment in your town that rents by the month. If you two are living together, which I kind of assumed you were, would that mean moving out? Also, maybe you wouldn’t need to find a new apartment in your current town, if the gf could manage it while you are away and let you crash there. Either way, you’ll be leaving her with the whole lease, which, if you’re splitting rent now, could be a problem.
Ack, I did not phrase that correctly. I meant if I were to move for the job, it would be beneficial to rent an apartment there on a per-month basis so that if I were to finally find a job in my current area of Michigan, I could come back here without being stuck to a lease in another state.
And yes, I do split rent now. However, my share is only $235 a month, which I could afford if making more money. I’m so used to living on $16k a year that I’m not sure I’d know what to do with significantly more.
I’m guessing you are in an area without a lot of jobs (given that you more than doubled your salary with an out-of-state search)? If that’s the case, I say moving is the right decision. You want to be where the opportunities are, in two years you’ll have a better resume and some savings, you might even be thinking about your next job or promotion. If you’re still with your girlfriend, the two of you will enjoy the financial benefits of your 2 year sacrifice. If you’re not together, well, you’ll be a 25 year old single guy with a decent, non-soul crushing job and some money in his wallet. Think about it.
I find it interesting that there is a resounding echo in this thread that says “If your relationship is worth staying in, you two can withstand the two years apart.” As though your girlfriend, the person you view to be as close to you as your wife, your lifetime partner and best friend, is just supposed to “withstand it”. It sounds as though she’s being treated less like a person, and more like a house in a hurricane.
I can’t help but think that many of the multi-decade relationships that I know of–my parents and grandparents, etc.–are in place today because they chose to avoid the hurricane in the first place. Perhaps many of those couples knew that they couldn’t maintain a long-distance relationship for so long–and that’s why they compromised about their careers and locations, because they wanted to do whatever was in their power to stay together. They stayed together, and they’re happy with the choices, and the sacrifices, that they made. Sure, that was a gamble that they took, and obviously a hit towards their potential career tracks. But many of them thought it was worth it, decades later.
There is no certainty that you will remain with your girlfriend forever. Isn’t that all the more reason to put as much effort into maintaining that relationship as you can, knowing that there is no automatic safeguard that will hold you two together, 'til death do you part?
Disclaimer: I’m not trying to endorse the decision for you to stay. I honestly don’t know which decision you should make, I’m not going to pretend that it should be easy or obvious. I’m merely playing the devil’s advocate, making sure that you understand the reasoning for the other side. After all, a decision this important shouldn’t be made by only looking at the arguments presented by one side of the debate.
Two years is a long time. I would assume you would be visiting each other, there would be phone calls, webcam chats, etc? So it’s tough, but doable.
Look at it this way…if you want to take it from “wife in everything but name” to wife in everything, including name" getting a better job would be a good start. Plus, I would think, as your soulmate, your girlfriend would have an interest in you bettering your career.
Also, if I may add, 23 and 20 is very young. Yes, I know, this is the one for real and forever, but she still has two more years of school. If she wants you to give up a good job just so she can see you on a daily basis, then she may not have the maturity to handle other life stresses.
From my perspective, I’d look at the reasons you are married in everything but name. Why aren’t you married in everything including name? That reason is important.
I would guess because you aren’t quite ready for marriage. And if you aren’t ready for marriage, don’t consider yourself married in everything but name and base your life decisions on a status you aren’t ready for.
FWIW, my maternal grandparents survived multiple separations over the course of their marriage due to my grandfather being in the Navy. The longest was 4 years during WWII, and that was before they were married. They were happily married for the next 40-odd years.
To the OP, bwahahahaha. Seriously, I feel for your angst and all, but a) you’re only 23, b) you have no career and c) you don’t have a family unless there are some ankle biters you haven’t shared with us. Wait until you’ve worked 10-15 years, have little kids, a mortgage, have to be on the road a lot. Then you can talk about balancing a career and family.
Right now, you’re just out of college squeezing by with a joe job and a serious girlfriend. If you wait around for your girlfriend, what happens when she graduates with a job somewhere and you somewhere else?
How far away is this job in another state? Is it really a decent career job or another placeholder that pays more money?