So... my girlfriend is applying for jobs out of town...

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

…and I’m feeling like a great big conflicted jerk about it.

She works in a field where the job prospects are dismal, to put it mildly. After getting laid off a couple of years ago, she’s managed to get by on freelance, but that’s a precarious existence. Lately, her assignments have started to dry up, thanks to further local layoffs in her field.

I’m in a rather comfortable position, financially. I have an awesome job, with an income that allows me do pretty much whatever I want, within reason. Plenty of dinners out, weekend trips, and a blowout international vacation every couple of years, all while maintaining a savings and maxing out my 401k. I’m reasonably happy there, and they’re paying for most of my graduate degree, which will be done in a couple of years.

I’m pretty much set. I also know that I’m damn lucky, and in this economy, I’m feeling more than a little risk averse.

We’ve been dating close to nine months. She’s 33, I’m 31. We both have a crapton of baggage, and we both agree that we’re the best thing that’s happened to each other in a long, long time. Given another few months to work through the dregs of my aforementioned baggage, I could totally see myself forgoing a few of those fancy dinners and buying a ring.

She swung by my place this evening after I got out of class, and we had a couple of drinks. She told me that she applied for five jobs today - stuff that’s only tangentially related to her field, and a couple basic administrative assistant-type jobs.

She also told me that there’s a pretty damn decent opening in a city a couple of hours away.

I told her to go for it. I said that I’m conflicted at the idea, but that, when it comes down to it, she needs to find a position where she can be happy and be appreciated for her skills and talents and experience.

Balls. There’s a teeny, tiny voice from my past telling me that I want her to fail. That I want to marry her, make a baby, and take care of her for the rest of our lives.

But I don’t really want that. She’s already understandably uncomfortable that I pick up virtually all of the tabs, even though I don’t care. I really, truly want her to be happy. She’s long overdue for some good luck.

So if I have to, I’ll let her go.

But GOD DAMN IT I don’t want to.

Shit.

Gonna go get drunk.

2

I don’t think you’re a jerk for feeling conflicted. It’s only natural to want to have her close to you. But a couple of hours’ distance isn’t too bad, really, and you never know what might happen in a few months - she could find something back there, or her company open an office there, or the both of you find jobs somewhere else.

3

This is a situation where you should feel conflicted.

From what you describe, if you didn’t feel conflicted, you would be a very odd person. Either too clingy, or just going through the motions of a relationship.

4

If it’s only a couple hours away, have you considered a long-distance relationship? It sounds like you have the potential to make it work.

5

If you can afford to keep her, and she wants to be kept, then go for it. That’s the way it’s been for thousands of years. Women having their own careers is a very recent invention.

And if she really doesn’t want to have it that way, there are plenty of women willing to take her place.

6

Don’t you meant “having careers outside of the home/off the farm” ? :slight_smile:

7

You know, this is one of those times where it would probably be a good thing if she could somehow read this post—You have laid it all on the line here, and frankly, it sounds to me that she could do a LOT worse than ending up with a guy who obviously wants her to be happy, even if that happiness may not include you in the long-term picture…

Good luck Rabbit!!!

8

Well, the concept of a “career”. Of course women have always worked in some capacity, but the idea that you can choose your own destiny by picking a field that you want to work in, building up a resumé, etc. is a new one.

9

I was kind of thinking the same thing - if you’re not quite there yet, it might be a bit premature, but you don’t want to have her move away and wish you had said something. You want to be supportive and understanding and make sure she knows that you’re behind her whatever she does, but you also don’t want to make the mistake of playing it too cool so she thinks you don’t care that she might be going. Does that help? :slight_smile:

10

Gosh, that’s a tough position, and one I could quite possibly be in myself someday. My husband is a chef and there isn’t much of a market for fine dining in our hometown here. Eventually, we’ll probably have to move away. But my work is here.

I always told him I’d follow him. But I don’t want to leave everything I know.

I totally feel your pain, Black Rabbit!

11

Thanks, folks. I’ve told her how I feel - that I love her and I don’t want to lose her, but to thine own self be true, etc.

I don’t know if either one of us is wired for an LDR, and most of the ones I’ve seen have ended badly. I’d rather let her go with love than have it end in pain for both of us due to somebody’s loneliness or momentary lapse in impulse control.

And I’m fully capable of resisting the urge to start poking holes in condoms. I’ve been in a relationship situation where I felt completely stuck, with the rest of my life on hold due to a partner’s insecurities, and it’s a situation that I could never put anyone else in.

12

If she gets the job, you could always live someplace in the middle. I know lots of people who commute an hour to work each way. Heck, I used to commute an hour and a half.

13

That’s a very tough situation. I really can’t imagine having to make that choice.

I’m a similar one, but not necessarily work related. The girl I’m seeing lives in Toronto, and I live in SW Pennsylvania (near Pittsburgh). It’s tough, but we’ve been managing remarkably and I’ve visited her twice (met ~8 months ago, dating for ~6). She’s a vet tech and I work for the PA state gov’t, so my potential for growth is probably much higher. She’s already agreed to come here if/when it comes to that, but I won’t attempt to force her into anything.

I think both of us have had positive LDRs in our lives due to witnessing others succeed at it. It’s worth thinking about, at least.

14

How extensively have you discussed this with her? If you’re really serious about getting married and having a family, this might be the perfect time for her to do it.

If her job prospects are dire right now, she might be willing to consider postponing her career for a couple of years. Biologically speaking, if she decides she wants kids, there’s going to be a certain amount of downtime for her anyways. There might be a significant advantage to starting a family now, staying home with the little one(s) for a time, then getting back into the job market when the economy improves. If you’re financially stable enough to support yourself, her, and kid, this might be the best of all worlds.

I understand her position that she wants to be self supporting and not dependant. I struggled with that as well when my husband and I made the decision that I would leave my career for a time and stay home with the kids. But reality in your case might mean she compromises her pride a bit for long term gain.

This is all assuming that she is as serious about the relationship as you are. If not, the discussion isn’t going to go anywhere. If she is as serious about you as you are about her, she IMO would be shortsighted to give up a guy who loves her and the chance for a family for a specific job.

15

I feel like if you have such strong feelings, maybe now is time to tell her these things!

16

Two hours away? That barely qualifies as a long-distance relationship by Spanish standards, and our mental distance-scales is milimeters to your miles… why are you so convinced that being two hours away will kill the relationship? I’ve lived two hours away from my boyfriend while living in the same city, and I can assure you it’s not the reason we’re not married!

17

Well, that was easy.

I laid it all out - all of it.

She feels pretty much the same way.

I am now in possession of a hot, smart, funny, and sweet fiancee. Or pre-fiancee. Or something.

That was unexpected.

18

Woohoo! I love happy endings. (Get your mind out of the gutter.)

19

Awww. Good going.

20

Awesome!