In light of this poser claiming to be me, I thought I’d better step up (and it is a mighty big step from the depths of Hell) to clarify things:
People have been misrepresenting me for millennia and generally not understanding who I am and where I come from. (Can someone cue up Sympathy for the Devil, please?)
As many of you know, it’s hard to grow up with older siblings, especially ones that become celebrities. My big bro always thought he was BMOC and could get away with anything. Look at all the things he did:
• Create a universe and populate a planet (big deal. Give Stephen Hawkings access to the RHIC in Brookhaven and he’d create a new universe that didn’t include Ebola. Slacker)
• Put a couple of bare-assed teens in a garden, tell them not to get too“ knowledgeable” and then get pissed off when they discover they’re naked as the day they were born, er created.
• Get miffed that people are misbehaving and so try to wipe them all out by leaving the tub running. And who does he chose to be the sole survivors? A drunken boat builder with his family!
• Throw a tantrum when a bunch of folks try to build a tower so they could visit him and so he knocks down their blocks. And then he gives them all different languages, to boot! Nice going, dork.
• Picks and chooses favorite people like a bad parent but doesn’t do much to support them. I mean, if he likes the Israelites so much, why did he give them a “Promised Land” in the middle of a craptastic place like the Middle East? Why not Florida, or California. And he lets them suffer, wander the world, get nearly exterminated by assorted nutjobs and still keeps saying. “But Daddy loves you best.”
• Finally decides to send His kid down to spread a message of love and tolerance. But he sends the boy into an oppressive and oppressed society and lets the little bugger get nailed to a tree. This is supposed to inspire people?
You know, my big bro was so goofy that he kept changing his name? Yahwah, Jehovah, Allah. He changed his name and act more often than Prince! His real name is Herschel, actually.
As for me, I watched the schmuck messing around with creation for so long and finally decided that enough was enough. I told him to fix the glitches in his half-assed, six day creation (why do you think there are black holes and Pauly Shore movies) and be nicer to the chumps he made. After all, if he hadn’t rushed it for his final exam in Divinity School he wouldn’t have gotten a C- for a final grade. I got a bunch of friends together and we said that if he wouldn’t make things right that I would take over the business.
We got our asses handed to us.
Now I’m stuck in Hell (not a bad place, really. Sort of like Vegas in July but without tourists in Hawaiian shirts) and watching Him screw things up. People keep getting sent here because He has such a screwed up view of morality and fair play that, unless you kowtow to his every whim, there is no way you can get into Heaven (no great loss though. Heaven is always playing Debby Boone and Amy Grant music. Meantime, I’ve got Hendrix, Joplin and Morrison).
So to anyone with questions for the “demon seed”, please ask away!
You seem like the perfect person to ask: What’s the best hot sauce?
Obviously, I’m partial to the spicy foods. I prefer Hellfire & Damnation because not only does it give a good burn but because it actually has a decent flavor on it’s own. I recommend a dash on your fried eggs or grits. Makes a hell of a Bloody Mary, too!
How’d it feel when Mikey beat your ass like a red headed step child infront of your old ecumenical brethren?
I’d just like to tell you that I actually DID queue up “Sympathy for the Devil” before I started reading. That was fun!
So, ah, do you find that militant athiests are a help or hindrance to your basic philosophy and what you’d like to accomplish? Or do they just not matter to you at all?
Hey, Mickey’s my boy! It was no big thing, we still go out for a brew now and then. There’s this great bar in Purgatory, named “The Last Call” where we go to hear Gabriel play. And, to tell the truth, Mickey’s beginning to realize what a stick in mud Herschel really is. He had to do it because he didn’t want to lose his job. Besides, you know how you can get into a fight with your buddy one day and the next everything is cool again. No hard feelings.
Hey atheists are fun! I let them roll along talking about how there is no God and that everything is random. They keep preaching and eventually they convert some fundamentalist whackjob into giving up his faith. Of course, according to The Rules, you can’t get into heaven if you don’t believe, which sends more folks my way. Man, you should see the looks on the faces when they wind up here! I put on the whole bit: red suit, horns, tail, fangs. I stride up to them on my cloven hooves, brandish my pitchfork at them and then proceed to tell them how they will suffer for eternity. It’s a blast. I have a hard time keeping a straight face as they soil themselves.
After the initial shock I then tell them where the volleyball pits are and the lap pools are.
Yep - thats what he told me too, glad to hear you two are buds still. My regards to Loki…Dude can drink!
Tell me about it! But watch your back around that guy. Whoopee cushions and joy buzzers are the least of your problems with that prankster around. It’s a good thing all lawyers are in my back pocket otherwise I’d be screwed from all of the paternity suits that would be filed against me because of that jerk. Oh well, he is good for a few laughs. You know he is the reason that the platypus exists? He snuck it into Australia and Tasmania just to screw with Darwin and the evolutionists. You see, that part of the world was the last to be created and God was a little punchy (after five and a half days straight of work, no amount of coffee will keep you thinking straight). Herschel was trying to be creative and having absolutely no luck. He created a giant jumping rat with a pocket and some of the most poisonous snakes and bugs but it still didn’t bring his grade up. Well, Loki thought it would be a hoot to throw in some royally messed up critter and convince God that He had created it. Too bad, Loki couldn’t have pulled off the jackalope like he first wanted.
Hi Satan! I’m a big admirer of your, so it’s a real thrill to be able to ask you a question. Here goes:
What’s with this suffering thing? Yahweh fans usually blame you for it, but if he’s the big bad god his propoganda claims he is, he should be able to do away with it, right? And yet, I’m sitting here and my back is killing me. Plus, people get cancer. So what’s teh deal?
Of course he could stop suffering if he wanted to! This is the same schmuck that created HIV, Cindy Crawford and the Macarena. Any deity that is capable of putting such horror and such beauty in the same place can do anything.
Unfortunately, He has a twisted idea that if you suffer you will appreciate the good things more and thus appreciate Him! Give me a break! If you suffer you will hate the thing that makes you suffer. The more He makes people suffer the more people give up on Him and turn to me!
So, yeah, what was the whole deal with the golden fiddle and the band of demons and all that down in Georgia? Did you throw the contest? Why?
For hell’s sake, people, have some respect for the BANNED. Satan hasn’t posted here in years!
Yo Big S…
I just want to make sure you’ve received my eternal afterlife reservation for the Burnin’ Basement Suite, complete with all of the chocolate-covered lesbians that can be found on Hell’s half-acre. Should be quite an inferno.
Ciao,
Cookies
Sure it was a golden fiddle but it was only gold plate. Besides, you ever hear how lousy a gold fiddle sounds? Cats in a blender sound better (I should know).
And I was in a no lose situation. I knew the kid was a great fiddle player and he had a big ego. So I challenged him (I am never “Behind” in getting souls. I’ve got a glut. Anyone interested?) knowing he would accept. He did, I played him and paid off the fiddle. Of course just accepting a challenge from me is a mortal soul, so he’s going to be staying with me for eternity.
He won’t mind when I put him with Johnny Cash, Hank Williams and some other country stars.
Dude, come on. I knew Satan. And you’re no Satan.
Hey, why do you think he’s no longer on the board? Sucker used my name and then refused to pay royalties.
I’m not bitter, though. I’m just making sure he gets audited repeatedly, is on the “No Fly” list and the Homeland security watch list for the rest of his life and will keep getting invites to Amway seminars. When he gets down here, though, things will get nasty.
Sure, we’ve got your room waiting for you with all of the lovely ladies who look like Rosie O’Donnell burning for you.
So, do you want to know when check-in is or do you want it to be a surprise?