Any update from the Vice Principal?
Thanks for asking…Yeah, some progress.
I couldn’t get the vice-principal to elaborate why he felt D’s were a measure of success for my son. I think he felt he had to say something encouraging and this was the best he could come up with. I made it clear that I felt like he was letting my son fall through the cracks with this attitude and he became frustrated and punted to the school psychiatrist.
Which is actually turning out to be a good thing because after meeting with my son he had some ideas about how to best approach this issue with him. He’d like to continue spending time talking with my son, but his initial take is that possibly this is a case of high functioning depression. Now, that’s not locked in as a definite diagnosis, but it’s a direction he wants to explore in further conversations. It’s spring break now so thing are a bit on hold until classes resume.
The other very surprising thing is that my son actually enjoyed talking to the therapist and felt like he was a genuinely good guy trying to help. So he wants to continue talking to him, understanding the ultimate goal in mind - which is that he needs to come to some self awereness about why he is following the negative patterns he’s following with regards to avoidance and caring about things he knows matter to his present and future.
So that’s the update. I will share what I can as I learn more.
That sounds very positive. Great, and fingers crossed!
Nice one. 
I’m not sure I’m feeling relieved by the possible diagnosis. I suppose having an answer is better than no answer at all but if it turns out to be correct, well, that’s a hell of a thing to try to fix.
Oh, another possibility that the therapist mentioned was delayed development of executive functions. In other words, immature for his age. Knowing my son and his behaviour/character traits, that seems more likely. He seems amused by things I see as being more appropriate for a kid a few years younger and that’s behaviour I’ve observed fairly consistently over the past few years.
But then perhaps I’m a little too serious and he’s well within acceptable range of goofiness for a 16 year old boy. Who knows? It’s just interesting that the therapist is confirming some of my personal observations.
Not a psychologist because couldn’t depression be a natural consequence of an executive problem? Or at least low self-esteem? I mean, if everyone around him seems to effortlessly plow through the endless stream of tasks that comprises the average person’s life, while something as stupid as making the bed correctly seems Herculean to him, it would be normal for him to feel down about that. It actually means he isn’t as nonchalant about it as he tries to act.
This could also explain why driving wouldn’t be high on his lists of priorities. Processing all the different steps it takes to control a car might be daunting to him.
Glad to hear he’s open to the therapist! Perhaps he can help him develop some strategies to overcome the executive disorder, and that might put him a healthier state of mind.
Fair point. It’s probably all tied together and one feeds the other in what amounts to him an impenetreble wall standing between him and “success”.
So it feels like we’re taking a step forward for the first time in a long time. Which is encouraging to both of us.
Update for those who expressed some interest in this thread:
So after several discussions with a licensed therapist (psychologist), the take away is NOT depression, NOT dysthemia, NOT apathy, and NOT ADD/ADHD or any other popular acronym.
Which is quite a relief, let me tell you.
Quite simply put, he’s just a little behind the maturation and executive function curve. In other words, he gets what’s expected of him and has the skills to be able to accomplish what’s expected. The issue seems to mainly be the inability to evaluate medium and long term consequences of not doing them in a timely manner (or at all). In other words, it’s easier for him to succumb to the temptation of slacking and procrastinating than weighing the consequences and choosing the more responsible course of action.
Therapist is fairly confident that he’ll outgrow this habit well before he graduates high school and he expects that those changes will begin to happen junior year.
So a deep sigh of relief, for now.
Thanks for all your input and interest.
Thanks for the update. I haven’t been to this thread since the beginning much, though I’ve read here and there.
Not to squelch your zeal for the latest diagnosis, but wasn’t he given other possible diagnoses by other therapists? Is this possibly just a matter of finding something that you want to hear and stopping there? Or did he not go to other therapists that suspected things like depression and such? In the end, it isn’t like they can do a blood test and boom, he’s clear. I know that for myself, had I taken the DSM tests in high school for things like ADHD I probably would have looked great on paper. As I got older, the symptoms became more manifest because I had more on my plate and it became overwhelming. So, I guess what I’m saying is that it sounds nice to just hear that basically the kid needs to mature a bit and that he will catch up, but I don’t see how anyone could say definitively that it is NOT this or that, as their is no such definitive test.
One can make the argument that you can keep seeking out therapists until you get the diagnosis you want to hear as well. <shrug>
This is not about that.
I know my son. I’m pretty good at detecting bullshit, even if it comes from a trained professional. I’m not feeling like the conclusions we’ve reached in our discussions about my son are wrong or rushed or convenient.
Bottom line is that my son’s general demeanor has improved. His marks are headed up. He’s more engaged and seems to be more committed to making changes. All good signs.
I’m not calling it problem solved forever, but I’m feeling better about the direction things are headed than I have for a long time.
These strike me as less “carrots” so much as “I’ll stop with the stick” which is not the same thing
Yea more like "the beatings will cease once morale improves"than actual carrots.
:rolleyes:
If that’s the level of discourse you have with your kid…
Yeah. I’ve started, participated and updated a thread for 7 pages just to roll my eyes at people who couldn’t bother to read or comprehend anything past page 2.
I’m having a good day. Don’t fuck it up. :dubious:
I’ve read the whole thread, I just happen to not agree with what *you * seem to think is a carrot. Rather than considering “Hey, there’s at least 2 people who see it that way. Maybe other people … people closer to home … see it the same way.” all you did was roll your eyes.
Your mood is none of my concern. You’re the one who used those examples as carrots(“How about…”), rolling your eyes is not a mature response to views you don’t like. And you are trying to be the mature one compared to your son, no?
I don’t know Quicksilver, I was like your son in HS. I went to college and did fairly well - neither of those failures or successes has had a huge impact on my life. My parents kept trying to figure out the problem, but they themselves were too blind to their own issues at the time to see what would have been obvious to the average person as the major issue. Your situation may or may not be similar. Some people are just not motivated by the same things as others or by the same things that generally motivate people.
I don’t think there is anything you can do to change the situation - I would recommend that you stop stressing yourself out about it do the best you can to enjoy the time you have with your son.
I offered him the availability of a car that he would have pretty much at his disposal provided he was maintaining B’s (honestly, I’d take C’s at this point).
If that does not fit in with your definition of a carrot, I’d love to hear what does.
And while in this case it is a promise of a reward and not the actual realization of one, there have been other carrots promissed and given without strings attached. Far too many to enumerate here and now. Additionally, it’s a point of pride for me to follow through with the promisses I make. So it would be wrong for anyone to try to claim that my use of carrots is in some way capricious or always within sight but out of reach, hence the ambivalence to rewards promissed.
Since your son was uninterested in the car, I’d wager that HE feels “that does not fit in with [the] definition of a carrot.”
I know this is probably the best advice in this situation but I’m just not ready to give up in trying to understand what (if anything) drives him.
And while I’m too often frustrated with the way things are lately, we are no longer at loggerheads as I’m learning to loosen the reigns and let him make his own choices - yes, even the wrong ones.