One might think that Memorial Day is an odd holiday on which to make resolutions, but there it is.
Mr. Rilch, Friend, and I barbecued today, then sat dazed in front of the TV. When the grease overload started to ease off, we got on the subject of people who’ve made sacrifices, not just the ultimate, but all kinds, for America. Then we wondered aloud if we were living our lives as if they were worth the sacrifices of others.
Friend determined that he’s going to actively find a job that he not only likes, but that fulfills his goal.
Mr. Rilch determined that he’s going to go back on his diet (he’s still working out, but eating a lot of junk).
I determined that I’m going to get myself out of debt, but I’ve been saying that for a long time and it still hasn’t happened.
So. We were watching our newly acquired DVDs of The Sopranos, and one episode got Mr. Rilch talking about his dad and Friend about his mom, and their unhappy relationships with both. I volunteered almost nothing about my parents, because both know firsthand that my mom is a psycho and secondhand that my dad is no better. They left the personal anecdotes and started analyzing parenting in general. During all this, I was making a conscious effort not to go off about my parents. Finally, I announced that my real resolution was to put my brain on a diet.
I can’t keep dwelling on things that happened ten, twenty or twenty-five years ago. I have to think about now. I have a loving husband, which I never thought would happen. I live in California, which most people spend their lives wishing for, which also doesn’t happen. I have my health, and skills to get a decent job, and presumably intelligence.
So from now on, whenever my mind goes on a tangent about something like the radiator incident or the pasta maker incident, I will firmly keep myself in the present. There are a lot of things to be happy about.
And I can’t keep letting people, family members or otherwise, have this kind of hold on me. No matter what the incident is that I’m remembering, I have to tell myself:
It was a long time ago.
S/he does not control your life.
Do not let hir ruin you and keep you from doing anything for yourself.
You did not cause it. You cannot change it. It does not affect you now.
Think about what’s happening now. You are having a good meal. Savor it. You deserve this. You did not deserve that. You are not thinking about that, you are thinking about the ravioli. Mmm. Ravioli. Served up by Mr. Rilch, who I love so much. This is what is happening.
I’ve almost deleted this post three times, but I’ve forced myself to complete it in the hope of helping others, as well as committing myself to this.
See, I’m not thinking about the word “committed”. I like these people. Drink your lemonade. It’s so sweet. Like liquid sherbet.
Ah, I’m back.
Friend also suggested that I think some about the future as well; not just getting through today, but making today count towards tomorrow. That will be harder to do.
But I deserve a future.
