I'm skipping Christmas and it's going to kill everyone.

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
21

For me it’s a combination of things that make Christmas not worth it. It’s not that giving gifts is negative, I sometimes enjoy it, but nowadays all the gifts I give and receive are tokens and it’s a waste.

The other thing is that I don’t want to spend time with my family because I don’t like them and it’s a whole dysfunctional system where everyone has an uncomfortable role a la Stuart Saves His Family. I used to be Donnie, but now I’m Stuart, and I don’t want to be Donnie any more but THEY KEEP SUCKING ME BACK IN. It sets me back years. It’s pathetic. I can’t be with them in a group.

The last thing is that I don’t have all that much time this year and in the past I have had panic attacks trying to make things just so and then being totally disappointed. With zero pressure, I can just have it as a day off to watch movies and curl up and drink hot beverages and be cozy and think about good things.

22

Am I the only one who read the title as ‘I’m skipping Christmas and I’M going to kill everyone.’?

23

Wow. This is way more than a Christmas problem, isn’t it?

If it matters, I think that if they’re awful to you, and make you feel bad, there’s nothing wrong with choosing to give yourself a big Christmas present and avoid them this year.

24

I don’t think it’s just “gift pressure”. But also social pressures from family dynamics and general “society expectations”.

I’ve seen people get downright evil at the supermarket over turkeys and hams, fretting over who is going to visit where and when, going nuts trying to coordinate everyone’s schedule so that everyone gets to visit everyone. (Whether they’re up to it or not.)

Junior needs a new suit and Jane needs a new dress because aunt Sally wants a formal dinner this year. What am I going to wear? And, oh, Person A wants to host dinner this year, and that offends Person B who thinks it’s a tradition to go to his house every year. Oh, and Person C is allergic to nuts, but Person D doesn’t want to change the family recipe that they’ve been using for generations, so Person C will just have to suck it up and bring an epi-pen. And Person E is a vegetarian and how the hell are we gonna accommodate that for Christmas dinner, I mean the nerve! And Person F’s baby is sick, but it would be appalling if they didn’t at least stop by, just for a half hour, it won’t kill them, right?

Seriously, I thought my co-worker would get divorced over some strife caused by her mother-in-law who absolutely insisted that they all had to spent Christmas DAY visiting her. Too bad for my my co-worker’s mom. Her family could have her visit on Christmas Eve or Boxing Day. Otherwise, the mother-in-law’s “Christmas would be just ruined! Why, if her son wasn’t coming Christmas Day, she may just as well kill herself.” Her son just had to be there for Christmas Day etc…, etc…

My family is very, very low key about it and always has been. We call each other and say “hello”, the who-hosts-dinner rotates so that no one person feels they must do it because they always do. So our family is happy enough with a very casual approach.

Not everyone is so lucky. A lot of people feel obligated to do things they aren’t necessarily prepared (or able) to do. Whether it’s the “gift pressure” or “social pressure”. It’s one thing to enjoy giving gifts and seeing loved ones, but it’s another when you feel burdened by unreasonable demands being made on your time, finances, or ability to accommodate visitors. Unfortunately some people have such high expectations of what the holiday “ought to be” that people feel held hostage by the season.

25

I hope it didn’t sound like I was being dismissive of anyone’s feelings. I was just trying to ascertain exactly what part(s) of Christmas made everyone hate it so much.

I can understand why the social pressure you describe would be obnoxious and downright unbearable. I have a lot of friends who celebrate in a lot of different ways, but I have yet to personally encounter anyone with that kind of holiday pressure in their lives. I’ve seen families act like that about weddings, but not Christmases. I guess I’m surprised.

26

You didn’t seem dismissive at all Q.N. You seemed more “curious, yet supportive”. :smiley:

27

I celebrate Christmas. Why?

  • I like giving presents. I’m not the kind of person who usually waits for an occaison like Christmas or a birthday to give a gift; but Christmas lets me get all the people I missed.

  • My family’s really spread out across the country. California, Missouri, one member who drifts between MO, MI, and AZ… Christmas is the time when everybody makes an effort to get to the place with the best climate and have a good time.

  • It’s one of the three holidays that are worth a damn. The other two being Thanksgiving (haven’t been home for it in two years; but hey: four-day weekend and some decent food in the chow hall!) and Independence Day (fireworks, at home or a big display, are pretty and fun). New Year’s might be worth a damn this year–updates as they come in.

28

Oh, no, no. I didn’t think you were being dismissive at all. In fact your question was quite a good one. “Gift pressure” is an annoyance, but it’s all part of a rich pageantry of both good and bad.

Good things can still be exhaust you and cause stress too. Demands on your time and energy, even if you’re really happy about it, can wipe you out. So coordinating a feast, finding out that a suit no longer fits a growing child for church, or just arranging everyone’s schedules to be at the same place at the same time can poop you right out. Getting just the right gift can be fun and fulfilling but you may still need to spend a lot of time on your feet trying to find it.

So while it’s all still a positive and overall happy experience, sometimes it’s nice to just to sit back, put your feet up and not have to worry about the expectations of the season. Take it as a time of rest and enjoy some tranquility.

That’s why my mom and I use it as a time to be slothful. No work for our employers, no rushing around in malls waiting a half-hour in the check-out. Just peace and quiet. It’s quite nice.

29

Good move.

Welbywife and I skipped Christmas last year, as well as Thanksgiving. I mean, we like the family and all, we just don’t like to be near them at holiday times. Not surprising seeing that the yearly gaming tournaments invariably turn ugly. Ever seen your grandfather throw a beer at one of his sons for winning a ping pong game? If so, you might be realted to me.

Couple of tips (which you seem to be following anyhow): 1. Let people know well in advance. 2. Don’t argue with them about it, you’re all grown up and can do what you want.

We did get the kids a couple of things, but only because we want them to appreciate the crass materialism of the season.

This year we’re skipping again, for the most part. No one bothered to invite us to anything thanks to last year.

Know what? We don’t really care. We’re having our best friends over for chili and grilled cheese and movie watching instead. I bet no one throws a beer.

30

My MIL is the same way. “It just wasn’t Christmas last year with no one here.” My in-laws are divorced and live six hours away. My parents live one hour away. My MIL wants all of Christmas day to herself, everyone else be damned. Not only does she want all of that day, but she also wants the most amount of time. “Oh, but you’ll have the evening and all day Sunday to visit with your father.” Um, no. For the tenth time, we’re leaving Sunday morning. Because we have work the next day. And it’s a six hour drive home. You know, that six hour drive you’ve never once made to visit us?

OK, gotta take a deep breath, or I’m going to end up asking to move this to the Pit. :slight_smile:

31

Geez, welby you don’t have to give up all your family traditions do ya? :smiley:

32

I’m skipping Christmas this year, and I’m quite pleased about it. I’m looking forward to a quiet day to myself. I’ll probably fix myself a nice little dinner, but nothing too fancy.

It’s not just the whole gift-giving frenzy that makes me Xmaphobic. It’s the months and months of godawful, omnipresent Xmas music, the gaudy, tacky decorations all over the place, and the way people get all stressed out about scheduling something that’s supposed to be a good thing. Now, I’m all for get-togethers with those I hold dear. I hosted Thanksgiving this year and had a grand time. But it’s the mammoth build-up of Xmas that’s made me say to folks, “have fun with it, but none for me, thanks.”

I’m not out to rain on anybody’s parade. In fact, I’m going with some friends to “Tea and Scrooge” tonight. If you love Christmas, go for it. Have a ball. But don’t feel sorry for me – I’m enjoying the day my way, by ignoring the brouhaha.

I just love the word “brouhaha”. Don’t you?

33

As someone who doesn’t “do” Christmas for exactly the same reasons, let me give you a heads up. (I do exchange gifts with friends and family because it’s easier to shop than to convince people like my mother not to buy me gifts. Plus shopping is fun! It’s all the other crap that wears me out…the baking, the decorating, etc.) My words of advice: Do not tell people around you that you are not going home for Christmas.

Because then you have to fend off the pity-the-Christmas-orphan invitations. You do NOT want to accept them. And let me assure you, the only thing that is worse than spending Christmas with your family is spending Christmas with someone else’s family. Because most families are dysfunctional. And sometimes other people’s traditions seem weird to the uninitiated. It can be uncomfortable at best. Or they’re all so damn happy to be together, you won’t even know how to act. I have no clue how to deal with emotionally non-dysfunctional people. And what are you supposed to do about the gift exchange part? Buy gifts for your host? Buy gifts for everyone? What if buying gifts was the one thing you were trying to avoid? Now you’re stuck trying to be polite and civilized, and eating dinner with a roomful of strangers because one of them felt sorry for you that you weren’t going to be with your mommy on Christmas.

The worse part is, when your own family starts acting up, you can at least stand up and say, “You guys are assholes. I’m going home.” I don’t know about you, but I can’t be that rude to someone else’s family. My own? Sure. They’d use terms like, “old maid” in my presence and thus, deserve to be called assholes. But you can’t call someone else’s misogynistic uncle an asshole. Or, at least, you shouldn’t.

So, stay home and enjoy yourself in any way you see fit. Be glad they aren’t all making a beeline to invade your place. And don’t let the guilt stick around too long. After a couple years, they’ll all get used to it and then it’s a big treat when you condescend to grace the family with your presence . . . or presents, as the case may be! Enjoy!

34

Years ago my younger brother, who was an adult at the time, broke my nose. He had abused me when we lived at home. My mother attributed this to childish sibling rivalry. I thought that as I was a married adult and he was an adult, that he would not beat me. I had no intention of provoking him. He attacked me when I turned the tv back to the live telecast of a play that my grandmother and I had been watching since the beginning. I said, not yelled or snapped, “This has ten minutes left.” He beat me. He outweighed me by at least eighty pounds and was eight inches taller than me. I was eventually able to flee him and waited outside for my mother to come home. After I rinsed all the blood out of my clothes, I made her take me home. I was visiting her house and had no other means of transportation.

I learned never to go someplace I cannot get back from on my own. Also, I do not attend family gatherings. Oh, I will go to a funeral that my brother may show up to, but I do not speak to him and I will walk away if he tries to speak to me. I decided that I did not want to play games or make demands about it, so I told my mother that I am no longer traveling on holidays. If she wants to visit, she should let me know and I will invite her. My brother is not welcome.

I used to have panic attacks approaching the holidays. I dreaded them and hated them once they arrived. I now love the holidays. I have spent the last nine Christmases with the same friend’s family and it is bliss. You don’t have to avoid the holiday if it is your family that is the problem.

35

Lee, I think that’s pretty cool how you handle that. I have that same rule about always having to have my own way to leave a family gathering. Maybe next year I will find a way to have Christmas on my own terms.

That made me laugh because two years ago my best friend said that to his family on Christmas day except using more exclaimation marks. And I think he said crazy instead of assholes, but the idea was the same and he grabbed his gifts and left, missed dinner and everything. Every time he tells the story his voice gets really really high and squeally: “I said, I’m a grown man! I don’t have to take this! I’m out of here! You people are fucking nuts!” Ha ha, Christmas Hero.

A few years ago I used to hide at a boyfriend’s house for the holidays but his family was nuttier than mine. It’s true that it’s one thing to run out of the room crying over something horrible your drunken dad said to you, it’s even worse when it’s not even *your * drunken dad. :o

36

I’m glad my post made you laugh. That was my intent.

Enjoy your peaceful holiday!