I'm so depressed

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

I’m not looking for advice. I just need a place to whine and cry and moan and feel good and sorry for myself. (And I wouldn’t be adverse to, um… getting a Doper hug or two, if it’s not too forward of me to ask?)

I have facioscapulohumeral muscular dystrophy (that’s a misnomer if you ask me; in my experience, it attacks any and all skeletal muscles, not just those of the face, shoulders, and arms). I’ve known this for a good long time, but I’ve tried to carry on like a normal person. Recently, though, it’s just become too much. Over the course of the last couple years, my diaphragm and abdominal muscles have become increasingly weak, so I can no longer take deep breaths, and I become winded just from the effort of standing up and walking a few steps. I sleep with a BiPap machine which forces air into my lungs so my muscles don’t have to work so hard while I sleep, which has been a lifesaver (perhaps literally?) because I just about can’t breathe when I’m reclining anymore. I’ve become very dependent on it, and wonder if and when the day will come when I need something like it to help me breathe all the time, not just in bed. TMI warning: I even took it to my last gyno appt. so I could breathe while laying on the examining table. Goodness only knows what the ladies in the waiting room thought that contraption was for, though.

I’ve been in a lot of pain, too. Most of the time it’s just in my mid to lower back, but if I overdue any lifting, reaching, or carrying, then my shoulders, upper back, and chest hurt too. I’ve talked to my doctors about it, and one prescribed Celebrex, but insurance wouldn’t cover it (I’m too young, they only want to pay for it if you’re 50 or older). So they tell me to take 2 Aleve every morning and night, and Tylenol for any breakthrough pain. I guess it works ok, the main thing I have to do is remember not to do anything too strenuous, which turns out to be just about everythiing.

Therefore, I’m retiring. I posted a while ago about my intention to retire someday soon, but now I’ve set a date: March 31. I just can’t do the work anymore. This month has been extremely difficult. Right at the beginning, I pulled a muscle in my side (or somewhere, I hurt lots of places) and could barely move for several days. When I’d start to feel a little better, I’d go back to work and end up feeling bad again. I finally had to take a few days off to recuperate, and, when I went back to work, I told my boss this month would be my last. And I can’t believe how fast this month is going. In a week, I’m going to be a free woman. I should be happy, but I can hardly talk about it without crying. I’m permanently and totally disabled. I’m 29 and I am retired. If my husband were smart, he’d wheel me to the nearest old folks home and restart his life before he’s 30.

And, to top it all off, now I have DIABETES. I saw a dietician a week ago and I met the diabetes counselor yesterday. It’s so depressing. I hate the lancet. It feels like getting snagged on a staple. I hate figuring out how many carbs I’m eating. I hate worrying that every “funny” feeling I get might mean my blood sugar is too high, or too low, or I’m about to go blind, or lose a foot, or lapse into a coma. It’s all so overwhelming.

I was going to whine about some other stuff, like how I can’t dress myself, I can’t drive, I can’t hardly hold my bladder or bowels until I make it to the bathroom anymore, I still have lichen planus, I’m morbidly obese, my feet are swollen, etc., etc., but I’m too damn depressed. I know, I know, I need to get back into therapy, I need to find support groups, I need to focus on the bright side of life. But it’s hard. It’s so hard. And I’m so weak and tired.

My quality of life is in the toilet, and I’m just waiting for someone to flush.

Well, I’m getting pretty hungry, so I guess I need to figure out what I can eat for dinner before my blood sugar gets any lower I die or something. Meal planning and carb counting are a pain in the butt, but at least I have a new hobby to keep me occupied when I’m retired.

2

Fuck. :frowning:

(((Gr8Kat)))

3

I can relate in a small way. I was forced to retire at 38. I’m always in pain and can’t do very much either. When I do something, there is always a price to pay. And what I have is mistunderstood and/or discounted as not being real by the majority of people. But after reading about your situation mine doesn’t seem so bad.

Great big huge sincere warm bear hugs (but not so tight they would hurt you) come your way ** {{{{{{{{Gr8Kat}}}}}}}}**

4

Big hugs to you, and many many prayers coming your way. Please email me any time you wish if you need someone to just chat with or to talk to.

5

Oh my God, you poor thing, come here!

hugs Gr8Kat really really tight

6

{{Gr8Kat}}

I’ve seen you around for a long time, and read periodically about your problems. I also remember arranging one of the first dopefests in my area and you made a quip in the thread about getting a Dallas dopefest, and oops, wrong Dallas.

My heart goes out to you, and I am so sorry to hear that things have gotten worse. I wish there was something the world or I could do for you.

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((Gr8Kat)))

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{{Gr8Kat}}

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{{Gr8Kat}}

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:smack:

Oops.

Though maybe not a bad thing in this case, so here’s another.

{{Gr8Kat}}

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{{{Gr9Kat}}} Not much I can say, but maybe your early retirement will lead to an intresting lifestyle change. You could try do what “you’ve always wanted to do”.

You could also try looking at the yahoo! groups or other similar places for things that pertain to your medical conditions, as well as for depression.

~hugs~

Please keep posting here, it’s ok to vent.
/Shadez

12

(((Gr8Kat)))

I’m sorry that you are feeling really bummed out.

At least you will have more time here!

I retired early from teaching because of depression. Medication has made so much difference for me.

I hope that you are able to enjoy your retirement. There will be good times yet to come. Just wait and see. Life can turn around on a dime!

I hope that you will feel comfortable in talking about your feelings here. I will keep an eye out of your posts.

13

Thanks, everyone :slight_smile:

I’m sorry it took me so long to respond, I’ve been away from the computer. But I really appreciate your hugs!

I’m feeling a little more positive about the diabetes thing. It’s not that hard watching what I eat. I really, really appreciate food packages that say right on the label how many carbohydrate, fat, meat, etc., exchanges are in a serving. Saves me from checking too many charts. I’m looking forward to eating a big piece of cake at my retirement party :slight_smile: :frowning:

This week I’ve been training the temp who’s going to fill in while I’m gone. I think that’s going pretty well. He’s really quick on the uptake and has a good memory. I’ve had to train so many temps that couldn’t hold on to a thought with both hands and a bucket; he’s a breath of fresh air. Makes me feel a little less guilty and apprehensive, like I’m not leaving my co-workers in too much of a lurch. :slight_smile: :frowning:

Besides my health, money is another big concern. I spoke with people at social security and at PERS (Public Employees Retirement System) and both say I have to actually be off work before I can even apply for benefits. Meanwhile, Joel was laid off last week, so he applied for unemployment. That week will be his waiting week, but he won’t get benefits for it, so his next paycheck will be short. I’m terrified we’re going to fall real far behind on our bills before I get any more money coming in.

And now, on top of everything else, the car is broken down! The mechanic thinks it’s a blown head gasket! We have no idea how we’re going to pay for repairs!

These are the kinds of thoughts that make it hard to get to sleep at night and take some of the fun out of retirement :frowning:

I’m not feeling as miserable as I was when I started this thread, but I’m still pretty stressed and distressed. Thank you again for your support and good thoughts, it really helps :slight_smile:

14

Lesse… you need another hug… sorry about the car…
{{{Gr8Kat}}} Sorry things are so crappy, but a positive attitude does help things (with the occasional breaking down – you are, after all, only human) but I respect your attitude about life.

Email me if you need to vent or anything.

/Shadez

15

It’s official: I’m retired. Yesterday was my last day. What a bittersweet day.

I received lots of presents, and everyone had such nice things to say. I did feel appreciated. And I ate lots of cake, diabetes be damned. (Don’t worry, I’m back on my diet today. But yesterday was a no-diet day.)

As for the car, it’s a 1998 Neon with 62,000 miles on it. Turns out, Neons from 1995-1998 with 60,000+ miles on them have a nasty habit of blowing their headgaskets, and Chrysler knows it. They’re paying for the parts (about $200), but we have to pay for the labor (about $700). I’m still not sure how we’re going to come up with $700, but it’s in the shop now because we can’t do without a car. I think we may turn around and see about trading it in for a van with a wheelchair lift now that I have my electric wheelchair at home.

Having the wheelchair at home has been a great thing so far. Wow, I feel so much more independent now! I’m not stuck in one spot asking Joel to help me every five minutes, do this, do that, I’ve dropped my fork, I can’t reach the remote, I wanna drink of water, etc., etc. I’ve spent the morning chasing the dogs around the living room :slight_smile: The cats are still a little freaked, but they’ll get used to it :slight_smile:

I’m trying hard not to think about my empty cubicle, or the fact that I’m going to be spending quite a lot of time alone now (unless I get a caretaker/babysitter). I already miss some of my co-workers. :frowning: It is possible to make friends and have real relationships in the workplace, especially after eight long years.

So I’m still a little down, and a little stressed (I have no idea how long it’s going to take for me to get any kind of social security or PERS benefits, and we do have a mortgage payment to make each and every month), but there’s an upside to things; there’s a light at the end of the tunnel :slight_smile:

(With my luck, it’s probably an on-coming train.)

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{{{{{Gr8Kat}}}}}

Somehow, my bills always get paid, even late. But I know all too well how stressful it is trying to deal with them. You can do it!

Social Security is a major pain in the ass to deal with sometimes. Be prepared to document and explain all your medical problems to the idiot (most of them are) doctor or doctors they will send you to. And they will insist on reassessing you every five years. I’m in the middle of THAT wonderful process right now. :rolleyes: However, it doesn’t sound like you will have any real problems getting the benefits.

Hang in there, and vent here all you like.

{{{{{Gr8Kat}}}}}

17

Big hugs to you, Gr8Kat. And a word of advice- Having had to deal with disability / social security in the past, the key word is perserverence. Keep bugging them about things, and they will often get done faster. Don’t feel like you’re being a pest- often the trick to that beauracracy is being the squeaky wheel.
And we’re all with ya. You got brothers and sisters who care. Never forget that.

18

You’re dealing with a lot, that’s for sure. You’re more than entitled to bitch and moan.

I hope retirement brings more positives than negatives.

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Lots of hugs, Gr8Kat. Despite your problems, you sound strong enough to deal with it, so no worries, things will work out.

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:: Gently hugs Gr8Kat and strokes her hair ::

Hope you have more energy now that you’re home - and you can focus more on feeling better. You’re in my thoughts and prayers.

Good luck with the benefits. I know it will be hard, but once it comes through it will definately help.