I know it’s very hard thing to do, and I’ll be rooting for you all the way! I’m glad you said that most of all, you’re doing it for yourself, cause I know from experience, you can’t do it for anyone else. This is one of those times where YOU have to come first! Big hugs from Edmonton!
You took the hardest step. You admitted you have a problem.
Good luck. We’re here if you need us. Will you be going to NA or Rational Recovery afterwards? Will you still be taking medicine for your arthritis?
You are making all the smart decisions. Your baby will have a nice, snug, safe, loving nest when it’s time.
You are surrounded by family and friends, and you are stronger than you realize.
(((((((((((((((ElzaB)))))))))))))))
ElzaB this is a huge step in your life. The most important thing is that you want help. I was very glad to read that you wanted to do this for yourself. If you just do it for others it makes it very difficult not to relapse.
This is a very tough thing to do, especially on your own. You are very fortunate to have a supportive family, and hiding things from them makes it more difficult to get through.
I see people every day who are able to make it into recovery from their addictions (I am an addictions counselor). You have made an amazing step toward your own recovery and a new life free from the pills.
One important thing to remember is that you will need people to talk to. You said their would be therapy in the first and last week. I would see if you could get more sessions to talk through what you are going through. If not, find some kind of support group with people who are going through what you are going through. Many times there are specific support groups onlilne. And keep letting us know how we are doing.
You have taken an amazing step toward the rest of your life. Just remember to take it one day at a time and do not look to far into the future.
I wish you all the best with this, and I am impressed with your strength and courage.
That’s the great part - I know I can count on people here. Thanks:). I’m starting to get nervous, but I keep reminding myself that it’s only going to be 12 hours or so of discomfort, and then I’m on the road towards getting clean and healthy.
That’s really good to know. I like hearing success stories - everything I’ve read says this is one of the best strides in modern treatments, and I know I can do it.
OtakuLoki, don’t apologize - do you know how many times I had to go back and check the spelling of your name when I first posted it?
FreeRangeManiac and velvetjones, thank you so much - everyone has been amazing through this. I have the world’s most understanding husband - he’s been the best I ever could have asked for or wanted.
Case Sensitive, I don’t say things I don’t mean:). And I mean that - and thanks for that extra hard hug - I need as many of those as I can get.
That’s the plan - I’m hoping by this time next year, this will all be behind me, and we’ll be starting our family. As far as the NA, I’m thinking about it - I know I need to go somewhere, whether it’s NA or private therapy. I seem to do okay in groups, so I may see if there’s something at the local hospital. As far as medication for my arthritis, I’ll be seeing a new doctor, telling him about my issues straight up, and making sure that any kind of treatment program that we follow will not involve any addictive drugs. If that means I deal with pain a little more, I’ll deal with it. I’ll be relying on Aleve and Tylenol for now. I’m also starting horseback riding lessons again soon (which is what caused all of this in the beginning!), and trying to build up the muscles in that leg. I do have a somewhat high pain tolerance, so it’ll be worth it to hurt a little in order to get clean.
And thank you:) - I really appreciate that.
I hope so - I really want to do this, and I feel like I can. I need to look back on this thread and see that when I’m having a hard time and want to go back to the pills - I need to remind myself why I’m doing it and remind myself that I am strong, and I can do this.
Would you mind if I emailed you? I’d really like to ask you a few questions. (If you don’t have your email out there, or don’t want to give it out, would you mind emailing me, then? My email is in my profile). Thanks:).
My husband and I were joking with each other yesterday about how this is turning into an Erica Kane storyline. I said it’ll only be soap-opera-ish if I have a long lost daughter show up just as we’re about to renew our vows, and she’s engaged to my ex-boyfriend from college, who’s actually her father. We figure if we can keep laughing, we’ll be okay:).
E.
Elza, good luck sweetie. You are seeking help, that’s great! I’m sure it will be difficult but you can do this. You’re a strong lady.
~J
ElzaB, feel free to email me. My address should be in my profile. I would be happy to help you in any way that I can.
Thanks:). I’ll admit it, I’m a bundle of nerves tonight. My husband’s trying to keep me calm, but I think I’m so dreading going into withdrawal tomorrow that I’m letting it make me incredibly anxious. I think I’m going to keep some Tylenol PM handy for tomorrow and try to sleep through as much of the withdrawal as possible until my appointment on Monday morning. I’m trying really hard not to be scared - but it’s like it’s out of my control.
Shabadu, thank you - I’m going to take you up on that - I really appreciate it.
I’m going to keep using this thread to keep a record of my progress, and I hope no one minds - I’m not asking for anyone to post in it or follow along, I think I just need to do it for myself and to get out my fear, and possibly aggression tomorrow, and my feelings as I keep going (I don’t have a LJ, but it may be a good idea to open one this week…). I don’t want to go to bed tonight because I know the sooner I go to sleep, the sooner I get to my last dose - and I feel like I’m giving up this crutch that’s helped me walk for the past two and a half years. I’ve been honest with some friends, but not all yet - I’m actually kind of scared to tell my one best friend. She can sometimes be judgmental without meaning to be, and she thought I stopped taking these pills months ago. Judgment really isn’t what I need right now. But one of my other best friends (who used to post here) has been amazing. She’s sent me emails that I’m just now answering because I’ve spent so much of the weekend doing research about Sub.
I really appreciate all of the advice and support everyone’s given me. I hope I don’t seem too self-indulgent - but it has always helped me to get things off of my chest. And I’m not embarrassed - I’m scared, but not embarrassed. I’ve read so many stories that show me that this can happen to anyone - I’ve talked to mothers who’ve gone through this program, fathers, teenagers, adults, everyone. And I’m going to try with every fiber of my being to be another one of those success stories.
E.
Good luck!
My father went through something similar. Twice.
You can get through this.
I highly recommend going to NA meetings, if for nothing else but the support and the structure and the accountability meetings give you. Most people start by going to 90 meeting in 90 days.
You should be proud of yourself for taking such an important step and for having the personal sense of responsibility to let others know so you can be accountable and honest. I wish you the best.
inkleberry, I missed your post on here - I’m sorry my thank you is so late:). But your advice is much-appreciated - I’m going to try to start attending meetings - I do have a meeting with a counselor next week, and I will ask him to recommend meetings… I may go to a couple of meetings this week if I can find one.
I’m adding onto my own post - I’m on Day Two of treatment. Yesterday was somewhat miserable. I stayed in the office for two hours after my first dose in order to make sure my blood pressure and pulse stayed somewhat normal, and then he let me go home. Unfortunately, I got home and immediately grew sleepy and nauseous. Any inclination I had of working yesterday completely went out the window. I mostly laid on the sofa with a ginger ale watching TV and trying to fall asleep. Luckily, my employers are wonderful - again, it helps to be employed by friends:D. They have been non-stop amazing the past few days - my manager has called to check on me yesterday and today, and had me laughing both times. They told me to let my clients know I was sick if they were wondering, and that they would handle any overflow.
I had gone in with withdrawal symptoms yesterday, and after taking the Sub, they dissipated within about fifteen minutes. Aside from the nausea and sleepiness, I didn’t feel bad at all yesterday. The nausea went away around 5:30, and I tried to get some work done, but I could barely stay awake. I went upstairs around 8:30 and passed out by 9.
Today was much easier - very little nausea and nowhere near the amount of sleepiness. Of course, having let my work slide yesterday, I spent the day catching up - I just finished up about ten minutes ago, and I started working at 10:00 AM this morning. I’m sick of looking at resumes right now:).
I don’t have the euphoria of my pills - I’m not used to it. But I don’t feel bad or hopeless or like I’m missing something. I feel normal. And it’s a feeling I haven’t felt in a long, long time. It feels good and it feels healthy. I do find that I’m a little overemotional - I cried watching the announcement of the new Pope today (not sure whether I cried because I was upset or just at the gravity of the moment), I cried at the end of Gilmore Girls because I hate seeing Rory cry, and I couldn’t stop laughing at some really bad jokes that my husband made. But I like knowing that I’m still there, I’m still existing even when I’m not doing it with the pills. I need to know that I still have me inside, that there’s something in there that my family loves, my husband loves, my friends love - and that it’s a valid and positive part of me.
E.
I’m glad it’s working so well for you, Elza B. I hope that it continues as well as it has been today. And you keep strong when it gets worse.
You do. Believe me, you do. That’s the bit you’re going to be fighting for, and it can be a tough fight, but you’re going to win it and you’re going to get yourself back, and we’ll all be cheering when you do.
Best of luck, Elza!
I am curious, what exactly are the withdrawal symptoms like?
Also I am surprised that it’s so expensive. If you’re going once a week for 10 weeks, ply 3 days in a row at the beginning, that’s only 13 doses of the suboxone. It’s amazing to me how expensive a medication can be! And it really sucks that your insurance doesn’t cover it all. Just more examples of what is wrong with our health care system. But that’s a whole other discussion!
Please keep us up to date on your recovery. I will be thinking about you!
And that is one of the best parts of this - not only that I’m doing it for myself, but even when I’m by myself at home, I’m not alone. I appreciate that more than anyone can know.
OtakuLoki, I know there will be rough spots. I don’t know how well I’ll handle them, but all I have to do is get through them, you know? I think that’s why I keep going back and re-reading what I’ve written here and what everyone has written to me. The more I realize how much I need to keep going, and how I will have someone here for me if I need them, the more I feel like I can do this. Thanks for the support:).
Well, it varies from person to person, I think, but for myself, I’m not able to sleep, I get cold sweats, I’m pretty restless, and I feel like I have these weird little pinpricks under my skin. One of the oddest things is that my head sort of feels - it’s a weird description - but it feels almost metallic, like it’s full of tin or metal. And since I don’t want to be gross, I’ll just say that I need to stock up on Immodium. All of these things suck one by one, but together, it’s pretty much unbearable.
As far as the cost, that doesn’t include the prescription :eek: . That’s basically for the program - I still have to fill my prescription at the drugstore. I think it’s one of the more expensive programs, but he’s the only doctor within about 90 miles that offers it - the next closest is Cleveland. It’s such a controlled drug with the US government - doctors or doctor groups can only prescribe it to 30 patients at a time. So finding a doctor can be difficult.
And thank you - I can use all of the support I can get:).
E.
Remember, tomorrow will be better than today, and today was better than yesterday.
I call them “head shocks” and they suck. To me, it’s the symptom that lasts the longest.
I’m 22 days clean from painkillers (Ultram was the latest one), so I know what you’re going through. I’ve gone through this about 4 times now. Sometimes cold turkey, sometimes tapering the dose. My husband helped me taper the dose this time, so I didn’t have withdrawls as bad. He found out that I had lied to him about still taking the drugs, so I had to hand them over.
I’m glad you have a loving husband to support you. It means the world to me that mine is so understanding and patient. He even tells me that he will believe me when I tell him I’m not using, despite my lying to him in the past. But I still feel like I have to be emphatic about everything though.
Just yesterday, I told him I didn’t have to take Benedryl to sleep the night before and he told me that I was twitching in my sleep that night (previously, it was a sign that I had been using). So of course I was paranoid that he thought I was lying. That’s going to be hard to get over.
I feel better now and I’m doing more. My husband likes seeing me enjoy simple things again, like working in the flower garden. And now that my emotions are starting to come back (after having squashed them with pills), I’m crying at stupid things, too. Even things that no one would get emotional over. It’s weird.
Since we just bought a house, I’m doing homeowner-type things and I’m exercising now, too, so I’m really busy. It feels good. I’m not sure I’m going to NA again at this point. I’m trying something different this time.
I’m glad you’re in treatment, if you’re a first-timer, because you have to understand the addiction, etc. And I recommend NA to meet others who are going through it too. I’m choosing to go a different route at this time. I’ve changed my lifestyle so much that my triggers are gone, so I’ll see how that works.
Don’t worry about relapse. People say that it’s part of recovery, but it doesn’t have to be, either. I’ve been this way for about 8 years, so 3 relapses isn’t bad. It’s hard to shake it when you’ve been addicted for so long.
Good luck. Email me, if you want to talk. Good luck to you, too Indygrrl.
All the best wishes and good luck towards unhooking from the drug.
My experience in this sort of endeavor has taught me that one size does not fit all. If NA doesn’t work for you because of its (arguably) religious elements you can look into different options that are now available. Among these are: Rational Recovery, SMART, Lifering and others.
Find and utilize whatever works best for you and again, good luck!
Seriously, if I didn’t know that I didn’t write this post, I’d swear that we were the same person. We sound incredibly similar, right down to the new homeowners.
I know what you mean about the tapering and cold turkey - I’ve tried both so many times that I finally just realized they didn’t work for me. 22 days is pretty awesome, though - that’s great!
I also handed over my pills to my husband last year at one point so that I could taper. He hid them in his top dresser drawer :rolleyes:, so of course, I found them while putting his underwear away one day. He never even noticed that I was taking a few pills at a time. It’s the only time I’ve ever lied to him, and I still regret it. I came clean to him, though, when we discussed my starting this program, and he forgave me. And when I handed over my pills this time, he hid them good (I haven’t looked for them, either, though) - I asked him to hide them somewhere that I would never find them. I think he has because he went to get me one for Sunday before I stopped taking them to go into withdrawal, and I have no idea where he went to get it.
I will drop you an email - I think our ‘unique’ experiences are pretty similar and we understand exactly what’s going on.
I think you’re right:). It seems to be.
I Love Me, Vol. I, thanks for reminding me of that. I don’t mind the religious aspect at all (I’m somewhat religious, converting to Catholicism), but I do know that one may not be right for me, while another is. I think with me, it takes so much to work up the nerve just to go that the thought of not liking one and having to work up the nerve to go to another really sucks. So hopefully, I’ll like one from the beginning.
My appointments for the past two days were morning appointments, and he scheduled me for evening tonight due to a conference of his. So he gave me two 2 mg pills and told me to use them if I needed if I went into withdrawal. Since my last dose was at 9 AM yesterday (Tuesday), I ended up using them today during the day. So for some reason tonight, he upped my dose - I’m not sure why. I took the increased dose in his office tonight - and I think it was too high. I was really, really jittery for a few hours earlier - and kind of feeling a little out of it - almost ADD-ish. So I’m going to call him tomorrow morning and ask if we can lower my dose a bit. I’m not feeling high or anything from it - you can’t feel high from this med, apparently, which is good - I just feel like I drank about 80 ounces of Jolt Cola. It seems to be dissipating now, whcih is good. Now i’m just getting tired.
Thanks for all of the support again - I’m getting over my pride of wanting to do this on my own and not leaning on other people - I need others to get through this.
E.
Congratulations on your progress. I’ll continue to hope for good things for you!
I was the same way this time. I didn’t even pay attention to what room he was going to when he would get my next dose. I think I really wanted it this time, which is different than the other times. I only thought I wanted to be clean, but always found a reason to use. This time, I rarely even think about 23 days ago.
Just updating to keep myself on top of documenting things. Feeling better - I think I’m getting used to the new dosage and the medication itself. I’ve been a little irritable, but I suspect that’s from a raging case of PMS. I’ve had plenty of motivation, luckily - we ended up unpacking all of the boxes in our dining room and now have a decorated dining room for our brunch with the in-laws on Sunday. I’ve been having weird sleep patterns, so my doctor recommended melatonin to me - I’ll get some tomorrow if I’m still having sleep issues. But I feel like I have more energy even on less sleep - when I was on the pills, I needed 8-10 hours of sleep a night to survive.
It’s been better. I feel like I’m getting into a pattern, and I feel happier and more consistent with my life. We were talking tonight about a baby - I want to be clean for at least three months after I stop taking the Suboxone, or longer, if my doctor recommends it. But the fact that we’ve even been able to put some sort of time frame on the thought of a baby is a good thing. All I know is that I never want to go back to the zombie I must have been sometimes on those pills. Never.
E.