What is jane’s train?!?!
I figure it’s something about being one of a bunch of guys left in the wake of this girl. Sort of like the old Scrub’s episode where JD enters a room of all of his love interests people delegated to the “Friend’s Zone”. I’d imagine that’s similar to this phrase “welcome to Jane’s Train” the guys left in her wake.
IMAGINATION people!
This exactly.
And who was talking about “a string of unfulfilled hopes and dreams”?
If you are imagining scenarios of running along beaches hand in hand, or getting married on a mountain top when you are not even in a relationship with someone, you are fooling yourself, not suffering from an unrequited love.
If you unrequitedly loved everyone you fancied, then your life would be a misery, but everyone should probably experience it at least once, if only to remind you that you can’t always get what you want, as some old rock n roller is fond of saying!
I have a mini update. It’s good news but not ideal.
I collect designer toys and I bought a case of toys by an artist whose work I like and coincidentally that artist was doing a signing in the store I bought them from at the time I was there! Very exciting. Later in the evening my crush texted me and asked if I wanted to grab some food. I felt the general anxiousness that I feel when I think about her but I said sure. We met up and had a couple of drinks first and then we ate somewhere else. In the bar we were standing kind of close and it felt really good, but not torturous like it used to. She told me that she just started seeing someone new and that he was coming over to her place later that night. I felt some slight pain when she told me, but not as severe as it had been when I found out that she was sleeping with the 20 year old kid. She told me that not as warning to stay away but just as friends and it felt good that she trusts me like that as she’s a very private person and doesn’t want too many people to know her business. Another thing she said was that I was her “safe haven.” I’m not too sure what that means though. I made a mild sexual joke but not about us when she said that. In the past something like that would have cut me like a knife knowing she meant “I like you but not like THAT” but now it felt good.
Later, we went to get a bit to eat. We had a long cathartic talk. I didn’t tell her about my feelings or that I was still a virgin but I told her about almost everything else. About my insecurities, about how I was afraid of looking like an asshole etc… I told her about how I was afraid to approach women and she told me that most women
expect that and that most women aren’t offended by it. I told her about this other girl at work who I’m sure was interested in me and my crush asked why didn’t I do anything about it. I told that while I thought this other girl was hot, I wasn’t that interested in her as person. My crush said that I should have gone out with her anyway just to get some experience with women. I told her that I was afraid of treating women poorly and she said that as long as you’re classy about everything it’s basically okay to break up with people if you have to because if you avoid relationships for fear of hurting people you’ll always be alone. I asked if she would have lost respect for me if I dated that other girl knowing that I wasn’t totally interested in her and she she wouldn’t have because she knows that I’m a good person.
And I told her that I collected designer toys. I showed her what I bought earlier and she recognized the toy company that made them and she thought they were really cool! This has been a major source of anxiety for me. “Hey pulehoopo, do you have any hobbies?” “Yeah, I collect toys.” “Loser. :mad:” It felt pretty good that she didn’t think that I was pathetic for liking the things that I like. This might not seem important but it really helped me to feel good about myself.
The whole point of this post is: I think I might have made a significant step in getting over her. I don’t want to get ahead of myself because I thought I was over her before and the pain came roaring back, which is what lead to this thread. But, she told me that a guy that she’s attracted to is coming to her apartment tonight. She told me that he’s ripped (I’m not ripped and something like usually makes me feel jealous.)
And I’m OK.
This should be killing me and it’s not. I’m sure I’ll feel some pain when I find out that they’re sleeping together. But for right now, I’m OK. I feel pretty good, actually. I feel unburdened by telling her about my fears. I didn’t feel like a little boy sitting across from a woman. I felt like a grown man with some insecurities. And I left feeling like datable person, based entirely on what she said about me and I don’t feel that resentment of “Yeah, well. If I’m so great why don’t you want me?” I feel like I could be really happy just being her friend.
I’m glad you are moving on with your life.
Here’s the thing, though. You really need to work on your self-esteem. You like to collect toys. That’s great. Be proud of it. In fact, there are undoubtedly sites on the internet where you can meet people who are into the same thing. Comraderie is a great thing.
The nicest thing about getting older, and wiser, is that you start realizing that life is too short to worry about how you appear to other people. So quit trying to hide the parts of your life that you think make you look like a loser. The only thing that makes you a loser is believing you need someone else’s endorsement of your hobby. I know people who are into model airplanes, radios and Renaissance festivals. They don’t hide it; they don’t try to rationalize their behavior; they just do it. It’s a part of who they are. And I’m glad because it sure makes getting gifts for them easier!
So, dude, if you’re into collecting toys, then embrace that part of yourself. Liberate yourself from your own self-doubts, and I guarantee you that you’ll be happier. And there’s few things more attractive than a happy, secure person.
…which has nothing to do with what you originally claimed; that remains sheer bollocks BTW.
No matter what hobby you like, some people will think it’s cool and others will think it’s lame. Might as well be open about it so you can find the people who like that hobby too (whatever it may be).
Sure, it’s possible. About the same odds of the OP being struck by lightning, but it’s remotely possible. And maybe later, when the girl tries to set him up with a friend, she’s just manufacturing a situation where she can make a jealous scene and declare that she wants him instead… Mentioning how someone should date other women is a very bad sign in girlspeak.
Cut her out. I know it’s tough dude but pining over someone you can’t have is not healthy. I myself did it for far too long and the only result was to overlook real opportunities I had elsewhere.
Some tips along the lines of PunditLisa’s great post. Never be ashamed of who you are. You like to collect toys? Good, that’s who you are and how does anybody else have the right to tell you it’s an “invalid” hobby? You rub some people the wrong way? So what, you can’t please everyone.
The point is you have to get to a place where your happy with who you are and stop looking for external validations for your existence. In all honesty, in 26 years I also haven’t really figured out the mating rituals that seem to come so naturally (and successfully) to many of my fellow men. But what I did realize was that if I had to be “not me” to get someone of the opposite sex, then I’d have to KEEP ON being “not me” to maintain the relationship. So what the hell good is it being with someone if you can’t even be yourself?
I agree with you. I think I said this earlier, but except for this area of my life I’m a fairly confident person. In fact, the few people I’ve mentioned my insecurities to were shocked to find out I’m like this because I’m a somewhat outgoing person. My inner life doesn’t match up with how I behave. I have told some people that I collect toys without any sense of dread that they might think I’m a loser.
I think I have a switch inside my head. When I’m with most people including women that I’m only friends with I’m set at “friendly and secure.” When I just think about the possibility of getting a girlfriend and me being a boyfriend the switch is thrown to “insecure mess.”
This. No offense to your friend, but if she’s 30 and is hooking up with a 20 year old loser, she sounds like a loser. I know it’s hard to separate your feelings for what you think is the ideal woman from her actions, but if that’s the kind of guy she wants, that IS who SHE IS. It’s not like the scales will magically fall from her eyes and she’ll see what a great guy you are in comparison – she’s a shallow twit who made a deliberate choice for this guy. Is this really the kind of person you want as a friend, much less a girlfriend?
I may sound like an elitist snob here, but the people I routinely pick for friends are roughly at my own maturity level, and are way, way past making idiotic choices like this. (Edited to add: I see in finishing the thread she’s “found someone new”. Whoopde-doo. She sounds like she finds new guys easily).
My vote is lose her altogether and move on. You deserve better, especially in the friend department.
Yeah, I went through all of this (two years of it) in high school. The situation ended in what turned out to be a really lucky mistake on my part. After that, I was able to appreciate how silly I’d been, and although I still have the bad habit of idealising crushes before I get to know them, I’m much better at this relationship thing.
If you do ask her out, accept it if she rejects you. That was my mistake–“she’ll come around” is just wishful thinking. Honestly, getting rejected has done nothing but make me more confident in asking future girls out, because I know the feelings to expect and (more importantly) that I can deal with them.