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Stunned, but not surprised. The world is full of fucking stupid people. I know a family that went through a very similar situation.
Asshole Alert: My best friend (who signed up Elite Level of The God Squad) has had about 5 heart attacks and other medical problems. Now, since I’ve known him since we were kids, I have Carte Blanche to harass, cajole and needle him. I know, Dick Move. So whenever he complains about his heart condition and goes into details about all the horrible procedures he goes through, I ask him, “Why are you CockBlocking Jesus? Don’t you realize he is trying to kill you?” 
Disclosure: While I was typing this, he called me. I was granted approval for posting this story. He said, “Sounds like an interesting Message Board”.
In vitro with embryo screening doesn’t involve the option of termination. The screening happens when the embryos are each half a dozen cells in a petri dish. If you have two embryos and one of them has the disorder, then you choose to only implant the healthy one into the womb.
If I were in their shoes and wanted another kid, this is absolutely the way I’d go. (I probably wouldn’t in fact have another kid, because of the extent to which this would leave the healthy kid with the lifelong responsibility, but that’s another question.)
They may believe that it would be wrong not to implant all the embryos from the petri dish, though.
If we were being asked to comment on the decision of a particular family in that situation, what makes you think we’d be saying anything but “don’t have more babies, you idiots”?
There’s a big difference between saying “no, you shouldn’t have more kids” and saying, “we should empower the government to forbid you and similarly situated people from having more kids.” But let’s not hijack this thread with that very different discussion.
Unfortunately, though, too many people still see this as a great idea. Then wonder why the second child is resentful and pissed off. Well, how would you like to know the only reason you were brought into the world was to be nursemaid to another human being? It’s like being born into slavery.
No, that is not possible.
A couple decades ago a few tried it, insisting the problem was a “pre-existing condition”, but since insurance companies (in the US) are no longer allowed to exclude such conditions from coverage nope, they have to cover the kid.
And honestly, that’s a good thing. Most of the time the parents have no idea they will have a child with an expensive condition, and bad luck is why we have insurance.
It might have been interesting to try to restrict coverage for subsequent children with the same condition, but I never heard of that, and now it is not legal.
It is difficult to even tell others how to bring up their dog, the conversation you think you must have will be very difficult and I doubt you can stay friends on this issue.
Yes, I’m stunned. And there’s nothing you can say that won’t make you The Asshole. 
But I’m a horrible person, and also wonder why parents have extremely disabled children when they know that child be extremely disabled (example, through testing during pregnancy). I can only assume it’s a parental love thing, which, having never been pregnant, I’ve never felt.
Have you read Never Let Me Go?
I think I understand where these parents may be coming from. I am currently pregnant, and thankfully so far everything looks good, but I definitely have thought about the possibility that something could go wrong with my baby, and how I would feel about that if it did happen.
When you’re pregnant, you can’t help but dream about what you hope your kid’s future will be like. I hope my child will take after my husband and I: hopefully a happy, successful, intelligent, well-rounded person who will have his/her daddy’s musical talent and mommy’s love of animals and nature. I picture my kid learning a foreign language, joining a sports team, getting a great career, etc.
If it turns out that my child has a serious disability, then yes, I think I will learn to adjust to it, but I will definitely grieve for the loss of the dream of who I expected and hoped my child would be.
Regardless of the disability, I think I would probably want to have another child in the hope of getting to still have that experience of raising a healthy child who would get to have the “normal” life I pictured and dreamed about.
If I felt like having another child was not an option, that I would never get to have that experience of raising a child who would get to experience the life my husband and I want for him/her, then yes, I would feel I had been cheated out of something that was important to me. If you’re honest with yourself, I think you would too. Can you really blame these people for not wanting to throw away the dream they had of raising a child who would get to enjoy a “normal” life with the sort of activities we all want our child to be able to experience?
Their child probably is genuinely happy and loved and probably doesn’t have a terrible life in spite of the disability, but there probably are a lot of “normal” experiences that this kid won’t get to have in life, and I don’t blame the parents for not wanting to give up on a chance to experience those things.
I realize the odds are not really in their favor. I would definitely be very nervous about a 40/60 chance. However, maybe for them, the idea of having a second child with these kinds of problems is not as terrifying as it is to those of us who have never experienced it.
For example, I don’t know what the particular disability this kid has is like, but I have been acquainted with a few families who have children with Downs syndrome who seem to genuinely enjoy their child and do not resent or regret having the child. For example, these stories which seem very honest and heartfelt to me, mention that many of the fears that parents had when their kid was first diagnosed turned out to be unfounded: Diagnosis Day | Down Syndrome Pregnancy
Most of us would never intentionally choose to have a child with Downs syndrome, but yet there are even families out there that CHOOSE to seek to adopt multiple children with Downs syndrome because they genuinely enjoy the kids for who they are and don’t find their disabilities to be a burden.
Perhaps these parents are in a similar place: They want a second child, and the idea of having a second child with a disability doesn’t terrify them because they have found ways to live with it that they find acceptable.
While I definitely do support the idea of adoption and think more people should consider it, telling people to “just adopt” is very flippant and insensitive, whether you’re talking about someone with infertility problems or someone like this. The majority of people out there care very much about having a biological link to their child. Not everyone is able to handle the special issues that come up with adoption.
For example, I have worked with foster care kids, and I do think that more people should open their minds to the idea of foster care because there are plenty of good kids waiting for a permanent family and we NEED good foster care parents. However, the reality is, by the time that a child ends up in foster care, they have most likely experienced very significant abuse and neglect (by the time a parent has lost custody of their kids to foster care, they have been given A LOT of chances and have fucked up in a huge way). That leaves these kids with challenges that other kids don’t have to face.
Abuse and neglect leave psychological scars. Anyone who knows about child development knows that there is a critical period of development early in life where if you don’t learn healthy attachment, you will face a very long and difficult uphill battle trying to learn how to relate to other people in a normal, healthy way. Trying to parent a kid who is suffering from Reactive Attachment Disorder is NOT something anyone can take on lightly. Even though I am a psychiatrist myself, the idea of trying to parent a child with RAD is quite intimidating to me. For some people, trying to deal with that kind of serious emotional disturbance would be far more terrifying and challenging than dealing with a child who has physical/cognitive limitations.
At least in this case, the parents understand exactly what they’re up against if the second child does have the same disorder the first kid has.
Low cost adoptions are generally older children from foster services. I am not sure if this couple, already with a severely disabled child would be eligible.
I do know someone who tried to go this route. They had the children for over a year whe one of the biological parents was able to regain custody. They were pretty devastated. I know I wouldn’t be strong enough to try something like that…
Well, there’s also that different people have different tolerance of disability. Some people would be freaked out to find out a kid is blind/deaf/paralyzed or going to be, others adapt relatively quickly to what’s necessary. If a parent or relative is blind or deaf or has a deformity or uses an artificial limb it might not be as scary to a prospective parent to find out their child will have a similar problem, but to someone who has never really known a disabled person able to exist independently in the world or do most things the able-bodied can the prospect might be terrifying.
Nope, but I have heard of it.
True. That said, I was thinking of children born with major disabilities who can’t exist independently, or born with conditions that you know will be fatal and painful (Tay-Sachs, for example, though I think most people test for that if they know it’s a possibility).
I have a disabled child whose problems, and expenses, are nowhere near as bad as the one in OP. I refuse to have another, for exactly the same reasons others have mentioned.
I had to make this choice. My husband and I wanted a child, but the medical risk factors meant it was a bad idea. Our child would be at very high risk for an early death and/or being an orphan before age 18.
Yes, we feel cheated–but it’s our job to manage our deep disappointment without making irresponsible or selfish choices.
Personally, I think it is the job of a parent to protect their kids from experiencing pain. If you can prevent it, you do your best to try. I think almost everyone would agree with that. And that’s why what these parents are doing feels so wrong to so many of us–because they put their desire for another child, no matter what the risks to that child, above that basic parental responsibility.
Genetic issues != inherited genetic issues. For example, Down’s Syndrome is a genetic condition that’s not heritable; it’s the product of spontaneous mutations.
So if they ended up with one of the rarer trisomies, like 13/Patau Syndrome, there isn’t a hereditary component to it, and trying for a second kid would be overwhelmingly likely to not have the issue.
However, if they’re 200k in debt and have had to restructure their lives around their disabled daughter, I’d question the responsibility of having another child, in that this kid is always going to play second fiddle one way or another, to their disabled sister. They’re not going to get the parental attention or financial support that they’d have got if they were merely a second child, instead of the younger sibling of a severely disabled child. And I’m not convinced that’s really a good thing to deliberately shoot for, even if you desperately want a normal child to raise.
If the genetic problem is hereditary and has a very high chance of pregnancy failure or disability, then it’s totally irresponsible to roll the dice and hope you get a normal kid. They really ought to neuter these people in that situation.