I'm tired of being ugly...

The BBQ Pit
21

Ya know, it is hard to pinpoint my problem.
I have three personalities.

My everyday persona. When I am with friends, or other people I am comfortable around, I have boatloads of confidence. I am sarcastically arrogant, crack jokes, and can be talkative at times. I often come off as an asshole if someone meets me when I am with friends, but once they get to know me, they usually like me. This is how I am in class, at home, or out with friends. This persona does not function properly in a one on one situation.

My shy persona. When I am in a situation where I don’t know anybody, or I am meeting new people, I am incredibly shy. I usually keep to myself and don’t say anything. I really have a hard time meeting new people unless we have mutual friends.

My inner persona. This is me sans any fronts I put up to sheild me from being hurt. This comes out when I’m in my room all by myself. I rarely let people see this side of me. My SO is probably the first person I’ve ever exposed this side to. I use it when we’re on the phone or talking in person or anything when we’re alone. This has lots of elements of the everyday persona, but it is a lot weaker. I’m more apt to let my insecurities come through. I’m definitely not shy, but I don’t have confidence.
I like that I get to share myself with her, but I dislike it at the same time because it reveals my weak side. I would “fake” the confidence as was said, but then I wouldn’t be genuine with her. It might not be very healthy, but I’m happy with the current situation with the different personas (although I would like to trade the shy persona for the everyday persona, especially in one on one situations.) It just happens that sometimes when I’m talking with her that I get stuck on the weak side of my inner persona and I get sad. It doesn’t happen often anymore, like I said, but it sure can consume me for a little bit. And of course I get to thinking about how unattractive the lack of self-confidence is, and then my state of mind gets even worse. It’s a kind of slipperly slope-type thing.

So that’s my situation right there.
I guess maybe I shouldn’t have been so off topic, so I’ll address the ugly situation a little bit more. Most of the time I’m fine with how I look. I’m not concerned with attracting other women, and she is fine with how I look. In one of those times that I still kick myself about, I made her tell me that she doesn’t find me inherently physically attractive. That isn’t a bad thing at all, and it doesn’t mean she loves me less (or that she would love me anymore if the opposite were true.) But the emotional part of my brain loves to pull it out of context whenever I get down like that. The thing is that she is incredibly beautiful. She is the most beautiful girl I have ever met. And, looking at pictures of the two of us together, it doesn’t seem to make much sense.

I don’t know. We’ll be fine. But I do miss her.

22

I’m not considered bad-looking, and look where it’s gotten me! The 2 threads I have posted in the pit have both been about my guy problems, problems that I never would have had if I didn’t attract people for my personality only.

23

You’re not alone.

I’ve thought many times about starting a thread like this, but every time I attempt to put my thoughts down on the subject the result comes across as whiny and self-pitying. My ugliness bothers me a great deal but I’m also glad to be healthy and free of physical infirmities. If I were to compose a long, gloomy rant about my train wreck of a face I might inadvertently insult someone far less well-off, like a 3rd-degree burn victim whose face genuinely is a train wreck. It just seems self-indulgent for me to complain about something so relatively trivial in a public forum, especially when matters could be so much worse.

Keep in mind, Holden, that I’m discussing my own reasons for not posting an OP such as yours – my intention is not to apply those same standards to you. I’m not haranguing you for venting. I’m glad somebody else (with more balls than I) took the plunge so I have an excuse to get a few things off my chest as well. Thanks!

I’ve mentioned my unhappiness with my physical appearance once or twice on this board in offhand remarks, but every time I do so I feel a little ashamed afterward. I’m still not 100% comfortable talking about my looks for the reason outline above but also because part of me, something fundamental that I can’t change, still equates physical appearance with personal worth. Deep down I simply can’t fathom how I can be such a good guy inside yet look like a thug on the outside. Chalk it up to all those movies where the good guy is svelte and fetching and the bad guy looks… well, bad.

All my life I’ve hoped that I was wrong. I’ve hoped that the face in the mirror is somehow a distortion of reality. I’ve hoped that my ugliness is subjective and others might see me in a drastically different light. I’m tired of having that hope crushed. Regardless of what I want to believe, the evidence points to the fact that most people consider me ugly. I get little hints every day (if you’re ugly you know what I’m talking about) – strange looks from strangers, lack of interest from the opposite sex, sneers and chuckles from those who find my appearance amusing – it all adds up. And then there’s that little snatch of overheard conversation that’s a killer: “whoa, that dude’s ugly!”

I’m tired of pretending that I might be good-looking. I don’t want to believe a lie, even if that lie will make me a happier person. Perhaps that’s why I’m an atheist too. What I want is to be honest with myself, accept the fact that I’m ugly, stop obsessing over it, and get on with my life. Denial can only prolong the self-pity. I want to be able to walk up to a mirror, look at myself squarely in the face and say, “you’re ugly – deal with it,” and not feel the least bit heavyhearted about it. I’m still working on it.

I think most ugly people have a pretty good idea how the word perceives them and I don’t think they benefit much from kidding themselves about it. Instead, they should work on accepting their physical shortcomings and putting them into perspective. The media may deify such shallow and ephemeral concepts as youth and beauty but in the real world traits like intelligence, kindness, skill, and motivation can get people a long way, perhaps even farther than straight teeth and eyes that line up properly. Rather than obsess over the one aspect they can’t change they should focus their energies on improving themselves in other ways.

One venue that I’ve found immeasurably helpful is weightlifting. My face may be a lost cause but my body is reasonably well-proportioned and I think it has the potential to be beautiful. I’ve been weightlifting for several months now and I’ve already noticed some incipient and pleasing changes in my physique — my arms are getting thicker and my chest is starting to take on some welcome definition. These small changes have given me enough extra self-confidence to partially offset the embarrassment I normally experience when venturing into public. Perhaps one day people will even consider me attractive in a crude, roughhewn sense. :rolleyes: It’s something to hope for anyway.

Besides the weights I’m also reading more, working on my vocabulary and writing skills, and training my voice so I can speak with confidence in public. I’ll probably always be unpleasant to look at but at least I can also be charming, confident, and eloquent as well.

Focus on what you can change…

24

I, of course, still think I deserve to be mocked and ridiculed for being overweight. I suppose overweight has a solution, whereas “ugly” (whatever that is, I always thought the only people who are considered ugly are us fat people and people with weird heads or enormous front teeth and overbites) maybe cannot be changed. I’ve moved past acceptance to a self-loathing embrace of negativity. Anyways, what to do in your particular situation?

I suppose you could date a girl who was so ugly that you wouldn’t be suspicious of other guys picking her up (her ugliness may or not be an actual impediment to that, depending on her personality in some small degree, but it might subconsciously convince you of that.)

I’d rather be in no relationship at all (as I am now, obviously) than be in one which I felt continued only at the girl’s sufferance and benevolence in standing by a fat/ugly person. That would be pure misery.

Of course, you can sometimes bend people’s perceptions a little. As Jenner suggests, being “charming, confident, and eloquent”, along with an outgoing personality and a fat wallet (or at least acting as if you had a fat wallet), has done wonders for some men I know…within limits anyways. It’s sort of like walking purposefully into an office building as if you are supposed to be there, mostly nobody (pre-9/11 anyways) will question you unless they’re compelled to scrutinize the situation. If you act like you belong with your signifigant other, as if there’s no reason in the world you shouldn’t be with them, people might see what you want them to see. Act confident, don’t give them a reason to see you as different, and you might be able to totally snow-job them. Unfortunately, even after reading all of Hermann Hesse’s “will to power” mumbo-jumbo, I wouldn’t know how to pull that off. Perhaps you can, and over time build your illusion of confidence into actual confidence through successes.

25

I’m an ugly, ugly bald man. Lucky for me, my SO is weird and is into my kind of look. She seems to think I’m handsome. :smiley:

Someone (maybe Matt) once said that no matter what physical type you are, there’s gonna be someone who finds that type attractive.

I hope ‘open relationship’ doesn’t mean what I think it does.

26

Ok, so you look in the mirror and decide you’re physically ugly. Here are your choices:

  1. Ok, you’re ugly. Ultimately we all become ugly, and the older we get the less such superficial things matter, so don’t worry about it. There are more important things in life.

  2. Become a beautiful person inside.

  3. Work your ass off to do the most with what you have so that you are less ugly, or maybe even cross the line into attractive.

  4. Go with it. The truly great ones take their weaknesses and turn them into strengths. Look at Danny DeVito. He’s so ugly that he’s cool.

  5. Become ugly on the inside so that your inner self matches your outer appearance.

27

Well, come on, there’s some great advice in this thread as far as overcoming ugliness is concerned, and I pretty much have it all down. Confident, well dressed, acting like I have a fat wallet, well groomed, the whole deal, baby.

But you know what tears me up inside?

I will never, ever, ever be the pretty boy front man of an indie rock band.

Fuck that shits me. And I’m not even ugly enough to have the ugly rocknroll style.

fuckem.

28

Just a brief hijack…On this note I always thought Seinfeld was great in that regard. The four main characters are all fairly average looking. (Elaine, a cut above, maybe, from my male perspective). But cjhoworth is definitely right about most shows. Usually it doesn’t bug me; it’s just par for the course. But I couldn’t abide Friends: not only were they all well above average in looks, but they were all so unbearably cute.

29

I was seeing a wonderful man for a while when I was younger, and physically, we couldn’t have been at more opposite ends of the scale. I am athletic, “attractive” (whatever the hell that means), cute - he was a great lumbering giant of a man, half as wide as he was tall, balding, and had a nose you could plow fields with. We couldn’t go out together without me getting hit on by ‘a better offer’. People inquired if I was sleeping with him for money/other benefits of some kind. When people saw us, they saw a cute boy with a grotesque of some kind, and no-one could possibly understand the attraction on my side.

I suppose I didn’t find him ‘inherently physically attractive’, in that my choice of pornography doesn’t usually include extremely overweight bald guys with big noses. But he was immensely sexy, and I discovered that flesh is great fun to poke at and blow raspberries on. What I did see in him was an expansive, sensual, worldy, generous and hugely witty guy, with big beautiful eyes and a mouth to die for. He was a character actor and much sought after life model, and his friends never ceased to see me as the lucky one, as you couldn’t be around him for more than ten minutes without finding him to be one of the most attractive people you’d ever met. If we did manage a night out, I’d only have eyes for him in the same way you’d find it difficult to look beyond a supernova in the immediate vicinity.

And the shame of it was, he was only with me for my hot bod. You probably really don’t want to hear this, but it’s always a huge relief to have someone interested in something about me beyond my cute tushie. Being valued as an attractive but inconsquential frippery doesn’t do much for one’s ego, either.

An open relationship should never make you doubt your self worth if it’s right for you, and they are not right for everyone; if I’ve got this correct and she’s seeing other guys but always coming back to you because you are ultimately the one she wants/loves/desires, it says a lot for you, you hunka-chunka-biting-wit-and-sarcasm lovestud. But if it’s a situation that is making you unhappy, it’s probably time to reassess your own needs, beyond the fear of losing her. You’ve struck gold once - sounds to me as if you’re more than capable of doing it again, if it comes to that. Don’t settle for something that will make you miserable, no matter how wonderful she is. If she’s as beautiful as you make her sound, then you’re pretty damn great yourself to have caught her eye in the first place.

30

Oh, it doesn’t. Sorry if I was not clear in that; it really doesn’t read how I meant it.

We have an open relationship (damn that was a poor choice of words) in the Jerry Maguire-brutal honesty sense, in that I’m open with her and she’s open with me. I meant that I sometimes regret that when I ask something like that, I know she’ll be completely honest with me and give a straight answer.

I’m crazy now, I’d be thousands of times worse if she wanted an open relationship. When I’m thinking clearly, I know that she only loves me and would never even consider about cheating. It is only when I get in those moods that I get to that level of paranoia and jealousy.
On a side note, last night I had a discussion with the guy that set me off on the original rant, and he seemed pretty cool. He doesn’t, however, seem like much her type. So while I still think he may be after her, I don’t think he poses a threat.

I’m lucky in the respect that, in her world, I’m the smartest and wittiest guy in the world. You see, she has these Four Things™: musically-inclined, computer nerdy, smart, and witty. It is a list she made in junior high about her perfect guy. I happened to fill all the requirements. But whenever I meet a guy that comes close and has the looks that I lack, I get a little worried. There seem to be a lot of guys that come close at Harvey Mudd. But I trust her, and she has told me that I have nothing to worry about.

Thanks for all the advice, ideas, and laughs, folks.

31

Yes I know you get the part about “you’re only pretty as you feel” and I know that good hygiene and grooming can make up for a lot of physical shortcomings. I know in my mind that an air of self-confidence and a positive attitude combined can be a powerful aphrodesiac but alas, the entire world is not as enlightened as you or I.

I am not beautiful. I know this. I like myself anyway. I have friends and I play nicely with other people. I don’t think my outward appearance reflects my inner beauty or intelligence. I am not a classic beauty; I am different.

“At the ballet” from A chorus line summed this up very well.

"Mama always said I’d be very attractive when I grew up.
Not pretty but different and with a very very special flair. And tho I was 8 or 9 I hated her.

Different is good but it isn’t pretty. Pretty is what it’s about.
I never met anyone who was different who hadn’t figured this out
So beautiful, I’d never live to see…"

Yeah I know. Being different for any reason can really suck.

Bad hair, worse props.

32

sigh I read this earlier today and wasn’t going to post…but here I am.

I understand what you mean, Holden. I marvel at people who eat whatever they want and never worry about gaining weight. I wish I could do that. Some people worry every single day about having acne…that I do not have. I hate that I have to wear contact lenses or glasses and don’t have perfect vision. People with it never fully appreciate it (it seems like). I mean, when I think about it, it’s like everyone has something they have to deal with and even though we know intellectually that some of these things shouldn’t bother us, sometimes you just want to cry foul that you got stuck with it.

Each person has some sort of cross to bear. Some people wear is on the outside, others on the inside. Hell, it comes in all shapes and sizes. But it sounds like you are introspective and will eventually come to the conclusion that things will be okay and at some point, you just won’t be as bothered by it as you are now. Hang in there - okay? Sometimes, the things we dislike about ourselves aren’t worth the time and energy when we’re already good people.

Tibs.

33

What’s ugly is self-pity.

34

:smiley:

35

There are very few people on this messageboard who could possibly be truly ugly. You’re all too damned witty or smart to be ugly. So stop it. :stuck_out_tongue:

I used to feel the same way though, until recently. I used to be thin and athletic, the kind of girl capable of dropping into splits at the drop of a hat. Only I was gawky-geeky then, with a huge overbite and lots of freckles, and too tomboyish to be attractive. Then I started to develop, but I gained 90 pounds. Then I lost most of that weight, got down to a nice curvy 117 lbs, and had to get glasses and ended up with an unfortunate poodleperm. It was always something, I’d lament as I cried myself to sleep. I get boobs and I get fat. I get thin and I get glasses. I’d never be pretty!

Well, I was actually pretty all along, I just let other people decide on my self-worth for me. I’m not thin anymore, but I have nice curves and Freakishly Huge Eyes that people seem to like looking into, and I’ve realised that it only matters that I think I’m attractive. Fortunately the man I love thinks I am more beautiful now than I was when I was thin (apparently my face looks somehow more mature and younger at the same time, I’m not sure how that works but it’s what he says and I’m willing to go with it), and he helps me to feel beautiful when the world doesn’t seem to agree.

Holden, let your SO help you to feel beautiful, like you already are, and must be, to capture someone’s love. Beauty is incredibly subjective.

Obligatory (and most recent) photos:

[http://powderfinger.tamerlane.org/media/photos/ian-m-jc.jpg]Me with a few Powderfinger peoples[/http]
[http://home.earthlink.net/~caiata/pics/m/m-nsf02.jpg]Faceless me in my new PF shirt :D[/http]

36

Er. Yeah. Really, I can use vB code. Just, uh, I chose not to do it properly, for, uh, the purposes of making a point. Yeah … yeah. Making a point. Right.

37

I know you’re not ugly.

It’s normal to be worried about your SO, and insecure about your appearance, especially at your age. And, trust me, very few teenagers are “handsome.” We’re all too busy battling zits and wearing bad clothes and being insecure to be all that and a bag of chips.

But hey–once we stop worrying, we’ll all be better.

::hugs::

38

I thought I was ugly, too. I believed the lie that “beautiful people” are always happy & always get what they want. When my 1st husband drained all of our bank accounts to feed his cocaine addiction, I became a stripper out of desperation. What a confidence builder! I no longer feel I am ugly. I now know that what really attracts people to you is your PERSONALITY. That may sound stupid, but most people love being around someone who can make them laugh–I know I do. You mention a lack of social skills. I, too, suffer from that, & I continue working on it, because the truth is, looks are not everything.