"Imagine this happening to you."

Now, now magdalene… It’s a perfectly good story, it just needs a few little…tweaks

Oooh, for example…

Imagine this happening to you

One Sunday morning during service, a 2,000 member congregation was surprised to see two men enter, both covered from head to toe in black and carrying sub-machine guns.

One of the men proclaimed, “Anyone willing to take a bullet for Christ remain where you are.”

Immediately, the members of the choir grabbed their loved ones and fled, the deacons grabbed the children in the audience and left, and most of the congregation helped the elderly and the handicapped out in a careful orderly manner so that no one was hurt when 1,980 people tried to leave the church all at once.

Out of the 2,000 there only remained around 20. The man who had spoken took off his hood, looked at the remaining 20 and shot them dead. As their blood stained the floor of the Chapel, the gunman turned to his companion who was looting the corpses and said “What morons!”

And the two men turned and walked out where they were promptly killed by a mob of angry, armed church-goers who’d gotten their shotguns and rifles from their pick-up trucks and cars and set up an ambush in the vague hope that the gunmen would be stupid enough to leave through the front door.

The moral of the story is: Just because someone tells you “It’s for Christ” doesn’t mean that you should believe them. Christ wants you to think. Blindly taking dares or passing on bad information like moralistic but idiotic stories because someone say to do so in Christ’s name is not only not biblical, it’s just dumb.

Funny how simple it is for people to blindly obey when others mention God … and then wonder why the world’s going to hell.

Funny how everyone wants to go to heaven provided they do not have to think. Or is it scary? Funny how someone can say “I believe in God” but but not have the courage to live for him. Imagine how Satan might be laughing: “I just saw a bunch of nitwits get shot because someone mentioned Jesus’s name! What a hoot!”

Funny how I can be more worried about what other people think of me than what God thinks of me, since God wouldn’t want me to die for no reason.

See? Much better?

Machine-Gun Fenris


Is there an “Enlish to Fenris” dictionary? Can I “burn” my stories through Fenris just like I can through that site that puts in all the nasty words? Because that would be SO cool! I think I have a few other glurgey stories to send you Fen. :slight_smile:


::::standing ovation for Fenris:::::
followed by ladylike swoon. :smiley:

I am dropping to my knees right now and praying to god that next year I get magdalene in the holiday gift exchange.

Because I’m gonna go buy that copy of “She said YES” and put a nice big fat bow on it. I may even FedEx it to Chicago–something this fitting just can’t wait.

The best part of the book is, the Cassie Bernal incident didn’t happen that way. Of course, rather than be embarrassed, the publisher and authors are happy to be “spreading awareness.”

Fenris…yes, yes, yes! Yes!

And Cranky - I’d get you something pretty cool in return. You know I would.

Oh sheesh. Magdalene.

I’d like to stand here, as a (not very good) Christian and say,

I’m sorry for that.

Why is it that more and more I find myself screaming “WE’RE NOT ALL LIKE THAT!!!”

On a side note:

in today’s email I have received:

A virtual buddha to make a wish on
A test determining what kind of party animal I am
A test determining which celebrity I’m best suited to date
A test determining what personality I have
A good luck charm (in german, no less…spam knows no boundaries)

And an offer to teach me how to pick horses.
My favorite part of the “inspirational story spams” is invariably I get them with this disclaimer:

  • I don’t normally forward this kind of stuff! But this story really touched my heart!*



Don’t let the virtual Taliban see it. WHAM! A million pieces. Probably not real good for your wish, either.

Frankly, and I don’t know very much about Buddhism, but I didn’t think I was really supposed to make a wish on him anyway. It’s not like he’s Santa Claus.


Hey, Fenris! If I get that email, can I borrow your post as a response? I really dig it!

I always get the emotional blackmail chain letters from my sister. This is the one I got today. I deleted the long, boring glurg story, so we can proceed directly to the blackmail…

Firstly, I’m not acting like the story didn’t touch my heart. Second, could this person possibly fit another cliche into this?
I have no friends in cyberspace to forward this to even if I wanted to. To tell the truth, I have no friends IRL either. I feel like shit every time I get one of these and am reminded how much my life sucks. I’m supposed to send this piece of trash back to her so she feels better about herself. Is there such a thing as codependant e-mail?

reading Fenris’s last post, I remembered something:
This has already happened for real.

A guy -did- bust into (a youth rally), armed, shouted for everybody to stay still, started shooting,
…and people thought it was a skit.

go ahead, read about it.

(When was the Church/Gun glurge born?? …after Sep 1999?)
(…seems in poor taste.)


Good god, even the true-life story has glurge overtones.

Thanks, and welcome to the SDMB welbo.

What say the Teeming Millions - should I send this story to the fam?

So spinning a little Buddha on the floor and singing “Buddha Buddha Buddha, I made you out of clay” is a result of a mixed religious upbringing as well?

magdalene: absolutely. :smiley: <evil>

… and–while you’re at it–why not point out that if some student sent a analogous e-mail about an armed kid busting into a HighSchool, shouting “Anyone willing to take a bullet for Education remain where you are”…
then that student would probably be suspended.

<an absurd notion (taking abullet for “Education”), but it’s only meant to mirror the original’s offhand acceptance of mass-violence in our society as a triviality …as an institutionalized phenominon in which it’s okay to frame a (“shocking yet ponderous”) hypothetical prank.>

Thanks for the welcome!

We have fundies in the truck stop.

They sneak in at night and leave religious pamphlets in the bathroom stalls (although the idea of finding Jesus while taking a healthy dump strikes me as very wrong.)

I take them all out, correct the spelling and grammar, and mail them back to the address listed on the last page.

I do the same thing with whatever “inspirational” crap friends and family members feel compelled to stuff into my inbox.

Friends and family members usually only feel the compulsion once.

Lo, for Jesus did say, if thou wouldst spread My word, recall to thee the precepts set forth in thy 7th grade English class, for when thou doth make thyself look like an illiterate dumb-ass, thou art doing great harm to My cause.

Reminds me of that nun, who wrote to Dear Abby and told about how she had her class make a list of nice things about each classmate, and they all kept theirs, including one boy who died in Vietnam. The nun is actually upset that it’s now a chainletter-she says it cheapens the whole thing.

And why not put tracts in bathrooms. If you can take a bullet for the Lord, can’t I take a shit for him as well?

Are you a real Christian?

Would you have stayed?

Would you take a bullet for Christ?

If so, please send me $100 for Christ! It hurts a hell of a lot less than a bullet, and what’s more you’ll actually be doing something more useful than messing up the church carpet.

Many thanks,