"Imagine this happening to you."

Four (FOUR!) members of my family have sent this piece of garbage to me today. Since I cannot respond to them as I would like, I’m having a go here. If only one could tell one’s family members to keep their witnessing in GD. :smiley:

Okay, let’s start here. What the fuck? We need to threaten people with violent, bloody death to find out where they stand? Look, you got 2,000 people together in one church. Why the fuck you got to chase them out with machine guns? You running low on coffee and donuts in the parish hall or something?

It’s deep in something, alright.

::thumbing Bible, looking for passage on machine guns, nay, sub-machine guns!!!::

Funny how many people neither believe nor want any of this crap, but still manage to have productive, moral, happy lives.

Funny how resistant I am to sharing “tripe”, regardless of subject matter.

To everything there is a season, and a time for every purpose unto Heaven.

Uh-oh, I smell a rhetorical question here.

Funny how somone can be so fired up for brunch on a Sunday, and can go on eating cereal the rest of the week.

hahahahaha! Yes! I love stories where people at a worship service are threatened with violence and then it all turns out to be fake! And the post-story pontificating has me rolling in the aisles!

Funny how you assume I would forward this to anyone at all.

So sue me - If not forwarding Jesus glurge to my friends makes me a bad person, I’m willing to take one for the team.

Is thinking what you really want from me? Oh, silly me. I thought it was mindless pressing of the “forward” button.

Wow. That might be the most asinine example of “what it means to be a true Christian” I have ever heard.

As though being scared and running from armed terrorists would make someone a hypocrite.

Grant me the strength to change the things that I can,
The serenity to accept the things that I cannot change,
And the speed and fast reflexes to get the heck out of Dodge when the masked gunmen burst into the church.

I bet the author was voted “Mostly Likely to End Up Writing Chick Tracts” in his high school yearbook.

Sounds like the yahoo who wrote that glurge needs to read his Bible, particularly Matthew 7:1, “Judge not lest ye be judged.” There are a lot of problems with this glurge.

>Taking a bullet for Jesus as a test of sincerity. That’s self-aggrandizing fundie porn. It says, “Well, I’m a brave guy for Jesus, I’m virtuous.” In the NT, Jesus says specifically that it is what one does for others that marks a true Christian, as in the parable of the sheep and the goats in Matthew 25.

>Chasing out hypocrites is a good thing. Jesus didn’t come
to preach to the converted, He came to save the lost. Jesus
didn’t associate with the revered religious leaders of his era, he attacked them. Jesus hung out with prostitutes, tax-gathers, the poor, and forsaken. Jesus didn’t preach at people, he helped them and forgave their sins.

>The assumption that all public discussion of Jesus is >forbidden. That’s a lie. Nowhere is it forbidden to talk about Jesus. What is forbidden is using public funds to evangelize, and forcing non-believers to pray to the Christian god. Some Christians seem to think that their viewpoint is the only valid one, and that other people have no right to a dissenting opinion.

This e-mail rubbish smacks of pride and arrogance, not exactly Christian virtues. Whatever happened to humility and
introspection as part of the Christian walk?

Remember Micah 6:8:

Hey, um, Maggie, listen –
I’m not in a real big rush to meet your family. I hope you understand.


The funniest thing about this is the assumption that armed thugs somehow have the power to hurt God if you don’t let them shoot you. I mean, the difference between being murdered and “taking one for god” is whether or not your assaliant shouts it out first? Had I written this PoS, the thugs would have pointed the gun at the altar, and the people who threw themselves in front of it would have been chastised as idolators. But non-hypocritical ones, mind you.

Funny how I’ve received something similar from both my mother and one of her best friends… not the same story, but with the same pontificating. Wish I could remember the story-- wait, no I don’t, because it SUCKED.

Funny how my mom sends me these things soley to piss me off now, after I started rewriting their inspirational endings and sending them back to her. I was afraid I might offend her but I just couldn’t take it anymore… luckily she thinks it’s funny.

Funny how her friend, who incidentally is currently cheating on her husband, sends me “Praise the Lord!” morality-laden e-mails! This woman recently sent my mom a sappy inspirational forward with “It sucks being a mistress” added at the end-- my mom didn’t read the whole thing and passed it on to me. Whoops.

Are you currently riding the white-collar gravy train that your Georgetown education entitles you to? Then they’ll LOVE you. We can rebell against them in private. ;D

I do think “Would you take a bullet for Jesus?” would make a pretty cool bumper sticker (it makes me picture the Secret Service guys in dark suits and glasses with earphones, diving in front of the gunmen, and hustling Jesus away in a black limo.)

“This is Dan Rather reporting. Jesus has been shot. Teh incident happened outside a popular New York nightclub…”

Funny how I got that story on a joke list months ago.

(No accusations aimed at the OP, they didn’t start it)

Are they now saying this really happened?

You think this story is bad? Well, you should check out the Glurge Gallery at snopes.
Or not, if you value your sanity and health. There is some really bad glurge there, the type of which you have never even imagined.


you really should be careful what you post here. sometimes people read these posts during their computer classes at school and get dirty looks from the professor when they burst out laughing while typing a “business letter”.

on a more honest note, this is one of the best treads i’ve read.

scylla, i don’t know how to quote yet, but your last post got me in trouble (still in class). thanx for the humor!

I just realized that I can honestly say to my family “Oh yes, I was very entertained by your note, and of course I forwarded it to everyone I know.”

This reminds me of the Flannery O’Connor short story “A Good Man is Hard to Find”, in which the elderly female protagonist’s family runs afoul of a killer named the Misfit. The previously hard-hearted and petty woman offers the Misfit love and forgiveness, upon which the Misfit shoots her and observes, “She would of been a good woman if it had been somebody there to shoot her every minute of her life.”

PLG, your link to the Glurge Gallery cut significantly into my study time tonight, but one of the pieces of JesusSpam provided me with a very likely new .sig line:

You can’t make this stuff up!

Dr. J

Jeez, I’ve gotta tell you, (and when I say “I’ve gotta tell you,” I mean, "I’m at work and have nothing to do but post the minor details of my life here) these insipid forwarded morality plays drive me out of my GOURD.

My aunt used to send me one of these little “gifts” a day. She’s this proseletyzing, newly converted Baptist who proudly spouts her stories of going to “Bible Study” as if it makes her Mother Theresa…like everyone’s supposed to be impressed at her devoutness. I would glance at these stories in awe of the gullibility necessary to take such tripe to heart. I would wonder what was IN my aunt’s head. Does she think she’s teaching me a much needed lesson? How can she be SO unaware of the potential for certain things to offend? Does she think these “messages of hope” will make me suddenly see the light and turn my life around? What makes her think I NEED to turn my life around?

And finally, I would think, “What a hypocritical bitch!”

Almost everything I got from her had some over the top religious bent. But she also sent me stupid virus hoaxes and the like. Every time I got an e-mail from her, I would find the appropriate Snopes link and fire it back to her with no explanation. And still the crap kept piling up in my in-box.

In the end, I wussed out. When I wanted to call her and scream at her, “You stupid bitch, stop sending me preachy, urban legends with bland morality lessons in them. They make me want to get something pierced and join a devil worshipping cult. If I get one more, I’m going to slap you in your smug, Baptist, hypocritic face!”

What did I tell her instead? “Gee, my inbox is really full and it’s getting jammed up. So if you want to write to talk to me, that’s cool, but could you stop sending forwarded stuff? K? Thanks :)”

Why did this irritate me so much when I clearly have a “delete” key on my keyboard? Just the principle of the thing…being preached at all the time is NOT fun.


For me, it’s 'cause I want it deleted before it hits my computer.

I got the same one mags (or at least I think it was, I only got so far as the title, and deleted it.) machine guns in the church huh? I’ll sit over here with Sua until your family leaves, ok???

Replying with Snopes or some of the virus myth pages is a help to those new to the internet. Remember your own learning curve? It takes normal people about one or two virus hoax forwardings to get the clue. Those that continue to preach can be blocked by sender name or just put up with because they don’t know any better, like some of my own dear relatives. At least they’re reaching out. -R

Ya know it’s at times like this, with everybody in agreement, that I sure do miss ol’ DITWD.


been there, did that, got the virus warning anyhow.

as a matter of fact, I’ve replied with Urban Legends websites (plural), to all that have sent me stuff. I’ve even GIVEN Urban Legends books to some of the worst offenders.


  1. to the fact that the afghan women’s petition was bogus etc. "well, at least I’m raising the consciousness…’

  2. to the Taco Bell[sup]tm[/sup] roach eggs “they could have bought off the newspapers so they wouldn’t have printed the stories”

then when I got 4 copies of the Snow White Virus 'cause four people sent me the same goddam Kelsey Brooke Jones is missing piece of shit that I’d already gotten 3 times before (once before it was even listed on the UL websites, but I still figured it was bogus…)…

But, yea, I’ll always give them the info first.

added upon preview kabbes report for your spanking! ( :wink: )

I think wring and I have some of the same friends…“But I’m raising awareness, It could have happened, You never know…” Yeah, right.

I have a friend (Southern Baptist, very devout), who constantly sends me this kind of glurge, along with the missing child alerts, free gift certificate things and the like. The “feel-good” stories actually do the opposite. I get so sick of the predictable crap, it puts me in a bad mood.

And as goboy said, why would you want to chase out the non-believers? Aren’t they the ones who should be there?

Wow, what an amazing concept. Being loving and forgiving and accepting…would you call that being…(gasp!)…Christian??? Do you suppose the fundamentalists know about this?