Impossible Christmas Gifts

Ok, so because you’ve been a VERY good boy or girl, Santa is going to pull out the stops and give you anything you ask for. So what do you want for Christmas?

I’ll pick having my wife tell me: “I’ve started taking replacement hormones, and it’s making me so horny! Can we have sex at least twice a day from now on?”

Cameron Diaz

I’d settle for the good old Suitcase Full O’ Cash™.

An Italian villa in the Tuscany region decorated to my specifications.

One of my wealthy relatives taking an oath of poverty and giving me all his worldly assets.

Claudia Christian under my tree wearing nothing but a big red bow and come hither look.

A real pirate ship with a crew of scurvy dogs to command, and some nice juicy Ships of the Line to attack and plunder.

Garr!

A strange and obscure virus that only affects only people who kill out of greed or unjustified hatred. Deadly, but painful, slow and debilitating first. (bloodthirsty, ain’t I?)

For the rest of us, greater insight into ourselves and everyone else. Greater love, greater understanding, greater acceptance. More growth, more willingness to accept responsibility, and more focus on making things right rather than bemoaning what is wrong. More happiness and more joy. Less time spent trying to fix others, and more time trying to be the best that we each can be.

And the grand prize in the lotto while you’re at it.

International fame and a drooling army of fanboys!

A gorgeous house in a gorgeous neighborhood that I’ve had my eye on for years.

Or more realistically, a Louis Vuitton clutch or pocketbook.

Someone posted this last year, a Luxury submarine. Wouldn’t owning that rock?

I’d get my own private island with enough supplies to last a lifetime. And a yacht so I can go to the mainland whenever I please.

My own Zoo, and staff, so I never have to clean another cage! I still get to play with the animals, though!

To be in Redding, California instead of freakin’ Iowa. But nooooooo I have to spend Christmas surrounded by snow and morons when I could be snuggling with my sweetie. sigh

That people who don’t like Iowa would go back where the fuck they came from…

Actually, Iowa is where I come from. Except for a brief stint in Minnesota, I’ve lived here all my life. The morons I refer to are my family, not Iowans in general. Didn’t mean to imply anything negative about the fine citizens of this lovely, but dreadfully Jake-less, state. :slight_smile:

Either the island of Barbados, or the ability to read minds.

Superpowers would be nice. Preferably the ability to walk through walls, or maybe invisability.

That everyone in the world could just sit down and be groovy. Stop all the foolishness and get down.

Hell, I say give everyone in the world a couple of joints and fire them up at the same time. We would all be doing pretty good for a while, and perhaps learn a bit about each other in the process.

Outside of that a system that plays X-Box, PS2, and Gamecube games.

Careful what you wish for, Creaky. Ships of the Line were enormous 80 guns or better with huge crews. Pirate ships (for example, the Queen Anne’s Revenge) were converted merchant ships, comparatively lightly armed. Even if you could plunder one, all you’d get for your pains would be some naval stores and a lot of prisoners who hadn’t bathed in a couple of years.

What you want is some nice juicy merchant convoys from the East India Company, or maybe a Spanish Treasure Galleon from the New World.

Hmmm, so what I’d like is a few more Patrick O’Brian novels, alas…

Next week’s newspaper.

With infallible knowledge of what is to be, I could buy winning lottery tickets, bet heavily at the racetrack (haven’t been in 20 years, but I haven’t had the paper in adavnce before…) and dole out benisons to my friends. (** TP **, go to the offtrack betting (separate pools) and bet the following horses - 2 in the first, 4 in the 2nd…etc - let it ride - give other friends 5 of the 6 lotto numbers so it doesn’t decrease my prize, etc.).

Peace, good health and happiness for everyone.

A big 4 bedroom 4 and a half bathroom house with a den, 2 laundry rooms and a 4 car garage on 5 acres so my Mom could come live with me.

The money to start my own business and for the LIONsob to start his own too.

Cook

Housekeeper (for the big house)

Gardener (for the five acres)

12 young studs at my beck and call

Garth Brooks to sing to me any time I want him to.

A new hand mixer (hey I had to add something I might get !)