in about a month i start therapy

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

i am going to write this in all lower case because my shift key is broken and only works about a third of the time, and frankly, while trying to say what i want to say i just don’t need that aggravation. i hope you understand.

so, at the end of this month i am getting married. this means two changes in my life. namely, i get to start using my new last name, and Jim Dear ™ gets to put me on his insurance. And when I am on his insurance, I get to start seeing a shrink.

The mere prospect is terrifying. One of my problems is that I am afraid of speaking to people. Especially new people. I don’t do small talk. I don’t understand the way many people think. I don’t understand many jokes. I hate talking to new people, and I hate talking about difficult subjects like feelings and things I want. Mostly I hate talking in person, but also over the phone. “Talking” via the internet or other forms of writing are generally my safehavens for expression, but sometimes I don’t even feel good about talking online. Every so often, for example, I decide that everyone here hates me and thinks I am worthless, stupid, or mean. Or I think that no one here knows who I am or even cares. Although, considering the sporadic posting caused by this feeling, I would not at all be surprised if the latter (that few people here know who I am) is true.

The point is that I, a person who is afraid of talking to people, and especially new people, will shortly be in a situation where I am expected to develop a relationship with a perfect stranger, and eventually divulge some things about myself, such as my feelings. I just know that I will spend many of the first few sessions sitting red-faced in a chair with a letter in my pocket that I am too afraid to hand over.

And the thing that I am most afraid of is finding out that there is absolutely nothing wrong with me, thus proving that not only am I not worth anyone’s time, I am also fucked up in a way that is not worth caring about. And I will have to remain so for, well, forever.

And I am not especially happy about the idea of staying like I am just now. Previously I had been perfectly fine with the idea, but now it is interfering with the raising of my children. I won’t really go into how, though I promise they are not in any danger. But I feel like a completely horrid mother, and am constantly in fear of failing. Especially at homeschooling, which is so important to me. And other than my wonderful supportive Jim Dear ™, I’ve felt very alone.

I’ve tried making friends in my apartment complex, online, and in local homeschool groups, but the above mentioned problems crippled my efforts. And lately I’ve been attempting to turn to God. That would be great except for one major problem: No matter how hard I try and how much I want to, I can’t believe in God. No reason for it, no logic. I just simply can’t. It’s awful.

And now I feel vaguely stupid for wasting your time. Sorry you had to read my self-pitying crap.

Damnit. You know, what? I feel like I am fishing for pity. But pity wouldn’t do me any good. I know I don’t care to hear about how I am 'not alone" or some other such nonsense. That has never made me feel anything but worse. I need help, but no one can give that to me over the internet. This whole thing was an exercise in futility.

Why even bother hit submit?

2

Because we care. Because you have friends here who care about how you’re doing and what you’re doing (and the more jealous ones want to know who you’re doing, but that’s neither here nor there:)).

Regarding the letter in your pocket, maybe your husband can give it to your therapist of choice?

Key words there … “therapist of choice”. If this isn’t someone you feel abnormally uncomfortable around, go to someone else if you can. Therapy is sometimes necessarily painful, but one of the reasons shouldn’t be that you’re stuck with a therapist who A) isn’t effective and/or B) makes you feel wrong. Of the four or so therapists I’ve been to, one of them basically didn’t listen to me and told me to do what, essentially, almost everyone else in school did. You are an individual. A doctor should be treating you as such and not as part of a herd.

3

That’s not the way it looks to us, sweetie. You’re fishing for some insight with the anxiety you deal with, and your upcoming meeting with a therapist. I can help you with the therapy part a little bit.

For starters, therapists are very skilled at making people feel at ease. Their offices are usually comfortable, quiet and relaxing, and in some way that I can’t really explain, they create an atmosphere of safety, trust and confidence.

Therapists gain a quick sense of how fast or slow to take things and don’t pressure you into talking about things you aren’t ready for yet. If you aren’t even able to speak at first, they understand head nods and shakes and can still move ahead.

There’s a few things I must inform you about. Therapy ain’t cheap, but it sounds like you’ll have insurance to cover part of the costs. Therapy takes time. Don’t expect immediate results. It might take 3 or 4 or maybe a dozen visits to begin to see changes. Your problems are not trivial. Your problems are not sized up against anybody elses problems in terms of importance. Some peoples biggest problems are apprehension over which color Mercedes convertable to purchase so that they aren’t scorned when they park it at the members only country club. Your problems aren’t trivial to you, and your therapist understands and respects that. And despite the fact that it sounds cliché, it is important to find a therapist that you are comfortable working with. You should know after three or four visits whether they are right for you. This is critical.

Finding the right one can be tough when you haven’t even met them yet, as you don’t have much to go on. You might have a few false-starts. In my case, I knew I had to choose a woman over a man for the simple fact that I won’t cry in front of a man.

I know that if a male therapist steered the session toward a point where I thought I might cry, I would stonewall it, evade it, lie, deceive, feign illness, make my cell phone ring or anything else to get out of it. Very unproductive time at $125 per hour, in my case. With a woman, I can cry and not be ridiculed.

Don’t be afraid of therapy, babe. The hardest part is showing up.

4

Oh yeah. What about the letter in your pocket?

I don’t understand.

5

honkytonkwillie’s right; therapists are trained to put people at ease and to help people who are afraid to talk to strangers.

My doctor, my caseworker, and even the techs at the local PHF (psychiatric health facility, where I’ve been an inpatient four times) are great. Just like medical doctors and nurses, they know that they’re dealing with people who aren’t well.

One thing I want to tell you is don’t be ashamed of needing help!

Good luck to you.

6

You’re going. That’s step one, and good on you for taking it! The therapist will help you with everything else.

Congratulations on your smart move, and good luck!

7

First of all I want to add that I am very impressed with your openess, and I am with everyone when they say they wich you the best.

I would like to help. I am not a doctor, but unfortunately I know a lot about therapy. Are you aware of all the different tpes, psychoanalytic, dynamic, cognitive… etc?

What exactly are you looking for in a therapist? Not to scare you, but I have encountered some really awful ones.