Come one, come all! Bitch about your hair—your lack of hair—your hair where you don’t want there to be any hair!
My hair is not totally without redeeming social value. Its color is nice (dark brown with reddish-gold highlights and a dignified scattering of gray). It’s shiny and healthy. But it’s also as thin and limp as Andy Dick, but considerably straighter.
Till last week, it was shoulderlength—when I wore it down, I had that “crazy old hag” look. When I wore it up, I had the “aging hippie librarian” look. So I had it chopped off short—now I get up at 2:00 a.m. and spend the next six hours struggling with rollers, pincurls, gel, spray and conditioner—only to go, “oh, fuck you, hair, just fuck you!” and brush it all out with water. I end up coming to work looking like the unholy love child of k.d. lang and Alfalfa.
Queen Elizabeth I had the right idea. I’m just going to shave it and buy wigs. One for every day of the week.
People occasionally tell me I have nice hair, which I appreciate. Unfortunately, it takes massive amounts of petrochemical products to get my hair to do anything. The resulting gel/mousse/hairspray combination hardens to a shellac-like helmet that could deflect small-arms fire. I was born to wear a bowl haircut, and ever since I went to a side part when I was 14 my hair has hated me for it.
My hair is perfect. I don’t even need to comb it.
Riiiiiight. Everyone is always telling me about my nice hair, especially women. If “nice hair” is hair that won’t part, won’t stay combed, and looks like shit 90% of the time I’d hate to have “bad hair.”
Not to mention the hair on my ass. Well, I guess I mentioned it anyway. I hate it. I get ingrown ass hairs about 3 times a week. All nasty and…well you get the idea.
My condolences Eve, on your bad hair. Remember, though, that wigs are expensive. Go for the Sinead O’Conner look. Mmmmm. Sexy.
My hair is a better hairdresser than I am. I cannot make it do anything against its will, but sometimes it makes itself into a cute little Jackie Kennedy flick-out while I sleep. Sleeking products and blow drying with a brush make it smoother, but I never dare try to make it go where it don’t wanna go.
Same as Sauron, I have nice hair but it does take a variety of chemical treatments to keep it that way! I’ve had probably every conceivable hairstyle, color etc. but I’ve finally settled on a “look”. Every month it’s “Do I pay the mortgage or have my hair done?”
I get told I have nice hair a lot. It’s one of the few features I get compliments on. A woman I used to work with told he if it were possible I could rent my hair out to other men who wanted better hair. She then told me my hair was too nice looking to be on my head. Thanks.
Of course, if it’s the slightest bit humid, it frizzs into something resembling a combination of kudzu and Medusa snakes. And, BTW, I live in Alabama, which is a Cherokee Indian word for “humid”! When I wake up in the morning, I resemble the Wild Man Of Borneo when I look in the mirror. Oh yeah, I’ve been getting grey hairs since the age of SIX! Looking at the men in my family, I’ll be completely whitehaired by the age of 37.
And after the original post I now have to contend with hearing Alfalfa singing “Constant Craving” inside my head all day.
Mine’s low maintenance, too. I wake up and POOF! It’s ready to go. The fact that it’s leaving me rapidly might have something to do with it.
So I dislike mine a lot. If I just go without a haircut, it gets all shaggy in the back, and the sides stick out like Krusty the Klown on Krack.
And of course, when I get it cut, I get the standard dork cut. Not on purpose, but when you need glasses to see, you don’t always note that your remaining hair is being sheared off. And I don’t like to piss off the nice dude or dudette who’s got the scissors, so I smile and nod. Yep, good job, you.
Hey - anyone know anything about those Maxim hair coloring things I keep seeing commercials for?
Oh god, where’s the ice pick… I think I need to perform a prefrontal lobotomy to get that horror out of my head, thank you very much.
As for my hair, people would always tell me how lucky I am that it’s “naturally curly”. Yeah, right. More like “naturally frizzy with some waves in it”. If I let it grow too long the waves go away and there’s only frizz in humid weather. I just get it bobbed and go for the anti-frizz conditioners, and after that you can’t even tell there was any natural curl, except where it curls under slightly on the ends. It also blows around in the wind so much that this just exacerbates the frizzy look, though I’m betting that’s because I try to use minimal styling products, other than a spritz of spray gel. I get to be happy in the thought that all those other women have helmet hair, right? (Right?) It’s apparently very thick hair though, which I can appreciate.
I was born a platinum blonde but that started changing even before I got out of the single digits. Now I literally have all colors mixed together into some muddled version of brown - yes, even thick black long hairs in the back, some platinum, a few white ones that I eye angrily, red, blonde, brown, everything. It seems to be more of a brown with reddish highlights so I occasionally “encourage” the whole lot to go to auburnish-brown with the use of nasty chemicals.
I hate my hair on a regular basis. It’s naturally stick-straight, baby fine and limp. It also apparently grows counterclockwise - one side curves in against my head, the other side sticks out, so what I have is essentially half a flip.
I usually keep my hair cut very short, boy-style, which looks OK on me, as I’m kinda tiny and it gives me that Winona Ryderish elfin look. I’ve also worn it very long and tightly permed, which is also an OK look on me. I’m in the process of growing it longer now, and this is the stage I truly hate. It’s still straight, it falls in my face, and it’s so fine that even if I’ve JUST washed it, it clings to my head and looks unkempt.
My hair is HUGE. Even when I use 27 different smoothing balms, and a special brush and creams and gels, it’s still MASSIVE.
In the '80’s when big hair was in, I had no problem, now that smoother, sleeker, SMALLER styles are in, it takes me about 45 min to make my hair look even reasonably normal.
I wish I had the guts to shave or wear a buzz cut. I’ve seen a few women my age who wear a buzz and can carry it off, but I couldn’t. In my case, going gray didn’t affect hair texture - it’s still straight, fine and limp.
Fortunately advancing age is diminishing my vanity as well as other things so I don’t care as much. Five years from now I’ll probably be giving myself bowl cuts using a soup bowl and pinking shears.
Fine, straight, limp, no natural body. I do like the color - light brown with blond throughout. Right now, I’m growing it out and it’s a shoulder-length blunt cut that I pull off my face with 2 barrettes. I’m this close [holding up finger and thumb reeeeeeeeeeeal close together] to getting it chopped short and layered. I’ve been threatening that for months. Don’t wanna rush into anything.
My hair’s been hating me since I got half of it cut off when I was six. My sisters and mom envy me because its so thick without realizing that along with “thick” comes “frizzy” and “unbearably hot”. I finally beat it though. I got it layered last year, thereby beating it thoroughly and sending it whimpering like a puppy into submission. Not satisfied with that victory, I then began dyeing it.* HA! I OWN you hair!
*A victory if you ignore the fact that my hair likes to grow a teflon-like surface in key areas which resist the dye making me look more piebald than auburn if I can’t get close enough to the mirror to use my Braille dye applicator.
This is a brilliant description, as I now know without a shadow of a doubt exactly what your hair trouble is.
I’m blessed with “naturally curly hair”, which in excess humidity translates to “ball of frizz”, but generally it’s not a problem.
My beef is with the gray hair #3 that I found just yesterday. Don’t make me go to the salon!!!
I have hair that many other women would die for. I say take it!
I have very very very very very very thick, naturally red hair. There is nothing you can do with it. When long, drying it takes at minimum one hour, air drying takes at least 12. Braided, it looks like rope, try to put it up and it’s so heavy it falls down. Cut short, it requires daily barrels of product. I have shaved it, mohawked it, dyed it every color of the rainbow, tried countless times to get a cute little bob (ha!)
I’ve given up, grown it out and it now lives in a pony tail the size of Texas. I only let it down when it promises not to attempt world domination.
