In which I complain about toilet seat covers

My beloved wife of many years (I’m too lazy to count), has recently installed a toilet seat cover on the toilet in our bedroom. Well, the toilet in the bathroom adjacent to our bedroom. While it would certainly be more efficient just to have a crapper next to the bed, it would be a little off-putting to wake up to see the love of your life “dropping off the kids at the pool” as it were. So it’s housed conveniently in the small bathroom NEXT to our bedroom. Sorry for any confusion.

Anyway, my wife has attached this large, furry, white cover onto our toilet seat cover, which means that the toilet seat itself cannot be raised to its proper vertical position, suitable for man usage. Instead, if raised, it tips over and comes down with a clatter, rendering itself essentially a penile guillotine. Or, it would be if I were much, much shorter, and liked the feel of cold porcelain on my junk.

So the seat remains down. And despite over three decades of daily practice, I’m still not a crack shot with this thing. My aim can be a little wild at first. Therefore, the seat gets a dowsing because we need to make the outer cover look fancy when the toilet is not in use. And do I complain.

No. Why? Because I don’t want to look like I don’t know how to operate a toilet seat. And, frankly, I’m not the one sitting in my used Diet Coke.

You are so welcome for being exposed to a part of my life that you never thought that you wanted to hear about.

that’s brilliant :wink:

My girlfriend bought me a toilet seat cover for my bathroom during the winter cause I guess she was tired of having to unpucker after the initial cold seat shock. That said, it’s not fluffy enough that the toilet seat won’t stay up when I’m peeing, otherwise the cover would’ve mysteriously been lost in the wash.

Still, it’s another thing I have to remember to wash, and that sucks

I just realized that it’s my ten year anniversary on this site. Hooray for me!

Fuck it, pee on it then say the damn thing won’t stay up. Or install an eyebolt on the end along with a chain so you can attach it to the wall while you do your business.

Wait, I’m not understanding this right - there is a furry cover on the actual seat part, not just the lid? I’ve never come across that before. Sounds pretty unhygienic.

In the interests of compromise, can’t you hold the seat up with your free hand while you pee?

(We just had a new bathroom fitted, and paid the small amount extra for the soft-close seat. It’s great - you can just let it drop and it doesn’t slam. The little luxuries in life…)

The lid covers ensure a wet lid as they always fall down and what guy can aim while holding the cover up with one knee.

The seat covers ensure a wet seat and I’ve seen poo clinging to the long shag. What drugged up hippy thought putting shag carpet on the seat was ever going to be a good idea. I had a roomy put a seat cover on the seat so their butt wasn’t cold. Disgusting! Buy a heated seat if your that delicate.

Nasty, nasty! Poo on shag! Eeewwww!

This is a problem that pretty much solves itself. Your wife will eventually tire of sitting on your cold pee.

…and then you can choose whichever toilet you want in your new bachelor pad. :stuck_out_tongue:

Never mind the poo.

Nasty, nasty shag!

But seriously, I thought those wretched carpeted toilet seat covers went away in the 70s.

Exactly!

I guess a roll of duct tape to hold the cover up will work.

You got something against nails?

What you have there, friend, is a classic example of a bijoona. (pdf)

Assert yout rights as a man. Wipe your ass with the curtains until she removes the savage thing.

The cover does NOT cover the actual seat, but rather covers the cover. What it does then is provide a buffer between the seat and the cover, pushing the seat down when you try to put it up.

And I will never use my free hand to hold up the seat! How dare you suggest such a thing! Touching a toilet seat, indeed! (Actually, I’m sort of too tall.)

Yeah, I know. I had to bend over in a really awkward way to pee. It was unnatural and an abomination before God.

And my aim was off.

Well there’s your solution, pee in the sink! :slight_smile: < Happy, urine colored, peeing guy.

CMC fnord!

Another reason to not use a fluffy cover is that having the seat crash down onto the porcelain over and over can eventually crach said porcelain. Then, rather than have an ugly, germ infested, seat cover to argue about you can argue about why the toilet has to be replaced.

What free hand?
The first holding your package.
The second holding your underwear and pants zipper open.
The third holding the toilet seat up.

Never mind