OK, so my (very) new girlfriend turns out to be a fan of the totally-shaved look, um, down there. Good Boyfriend that I am, I proudly stepped into my shower not too long ago, electric razor with beard trimmer in hand (which has worked very well for trimming my southern beard so far), to do my duty.
I attacked the issue at hand, so to speak, with a horny fury tempered by a surgeon’s calm deliberation. Unfortunately, I let my sense of male vigilance “slip”, just for a moment, and I nicked my left testicle.
Now, it doesn’t seem all that bad right now. It could be worse. The bleeding, of which there was very little, has stopped, and there seems to be no significant aesthetic effect; in fact, I can’t quite pinpoint the scene of the crime with 100% precision right now. But it hurts, especially when I move. My first chance to “man” the “cockpit” may be coming up as soon as Sunday afternoon, and I need help from the Board’s best minds as to how to:
Minimize pain
Minimize/eliminate the risk of infection
Ensure that I am able to fly my mission, should I be called upon to stand up and do the deed for my country on Sunday night.
Should I apply neosporin? Antiseptic? Should I put a Band-Aid on? Should I really not put a bandaid on? Help!
I have had this problem before and i have a few suggestions:
1: Take a shower and get everything nice and clean
2: Apply neosporin
3: Purchase a case of beer
4: Sit in your house all day saturday wearing nothing but boxers, watching football
5: Try and avoid sweating at all costs!
6: Ingest beer regularly to cope with pain
Do all this sunday as well for as long as you can, hopefully you’ll be healed up when it comes time to do the deed.
Good news! The pain has gotten down to the Very Bearable range, only in part due to a couple of strong Boontling IPAs, my weapon of choice in most situations that involve my penis in one way or another. I’ve showered and gotten things nice and clean, and am off to apply Neosporin. I’m going to be putting away more IPA throughout the weekend, for my health’s sake.
Will it also affect the chance of infection? That’s what I’m more concerned with.
Thanks! Subscriptions to my newsletter are 50% off if you have the coupon that was passed around MPSIMS recently. I hope you picked one of those up. If not, you, er, well, you probably don’t want to handle any of the ones I have left. Take my word for it.
The hypothetical patient who keeps such a wound clean with soap and water, and perhaps a little neosporin need not worry about infection.
Healing will be rapid in such a hypothetical case.
Traditionally, when you cut yourself shaving, one rips a tiny piece of toilet paper and applies it to the wound to stop the bleeding and the pain. It’s a badge of honor and for reasons known only to Kimberly-Clark, seems to have medicinal properties as well.
However, in this case, my suggestion is not pursue this route. While it will stop the bleeding and the pain, the negative psychological implications will turn her off, perhaps forever. You see, a toilet paper snippet bandage on the scrotum will be seen as a dingle berry gone astray of the worst kind.
I know you were not asking for this type of advice, but remember this is the SDMB. We provide an all-inclusive service. Of course, you do realize this service comes at a price; we expect a payback, probably in MPSIMS no later than Monday. (Well, I was going to use the phrase “blow by blow description of events” but that would be more than just tongue in cheek.)
Try to keep in mind that natural selection is a double-edged sword. You may be better able to entice a female to mate with you, but you also have to be in condition to complete said mating.
Unless, of course, the female in question is Japanese. Then she will be thrilled and honored to see a little Japanese flag! She might even hum the Japanese National Anthem for you.
