In which I pit God

The BBQ Pit
1

First let’s make it quite clear I do not believe you exist but in the event that you are sat up there on your celestial cloud let me give you a few home truths.

You created man in your own image. Well that’s a fucking laugh if there ever was one 'cos you did a piss poor job of it, why?
I’ll tell you why pal.
We lose a limb or part of it and does it grow back? no it bloody well doesn’t, we have 2 choices after such a mishap

  1. Wear a prosthetic limb
  2. Do without
    Sodding hell, I know of lizards that can lose their tails AT WILL and grow another one in next to no time.
    We lose a tooth, does it grow back? again the answer is a resounding NO. Fuck me, crocs/alligators and such don’t have this problem, their teeth grow back, same with any number of other animals that you gave us dominion over.
    The human anatomy is a joke, our backbone is quite unsuitable for walking upright to give one instance of your cock up.
    Tell me if you know of anyone on this ball of mud that is entirely happy with the way they have been put together…you can’t can you?
    Some of your ahem children have committed suicide because
    a) They have big noses
    b) They are ugly
    c) They have big feet
    d) Any other imperfections.
    Well thanks a bunch, you really did well.
    THE HUMAN GENITALS
    Did you take a look before designing these? I thought not.
    I suggest you take a look now, a bloke with meat and 2 veg dangling down and a women equipped with something that looks like a small lettuce.
    Holy shit, surely you could have come up with a better design than these two pieces of reproductive foul ups.
    YOU GAVE US DOMINION OVER THE BEASTS OF THE FIELD etc.

You did? These beasts of the field have fucking big horns and teeth not to mention sodding great claws than can rip us to bits in less time than I can fart.
YOU GAVE US FREE WILL
Well thanks a trillion for nothing. What did we do with this free will?
We invented weapons so we could kill our fellow man YOUR CHILDREN, remember?
FOOD.
We go to work to earn money to buy food to keep us alive so that we can go to work to earn …get the picture?
Ruminants eat grass,leaves and the like so why the fuck didn’t you THINK before getting into the supermarket business.
There are probably a million and one other fuck ups you made but at the moment I don’t have the time, I have to go to work to earn money to buy food…and so on and so forth.
Yes I’m less than impressed with your efforts so far, I suggest you try again and this time think before you go ahead with some of your half assed ideas.

2

…sorry…

3

There’s something about God being torn to bits by an Englishman that makes it all the better. Bravo!

4

Gee, I kinda like those.

5

Thought this was an XTC Homage Thread. Surely wasn’t.

You’re all right, spogga. “These beasts of the field have fucking big horns and teeth not to mention sodding great claws…” Are you really in Manchester? You might be my cousin.
If I might, I’d like you to copy and paste a few of mine to your letter to God:
Why the fuck did you invent hemorrhoids? Don’t you like writers? How the fuck do you think Bibles get published?

Can you tell me the purpose of the evil bastard Yellow Jacket? I was almost killed by a swarm of those fucking wasps when I was six.

You must be a Hebrew or Christian God, or else why the shit did you make us paint Krishna with blue skin? It’s so hard to talk about alternate points of view when the AVATAR looks like he’s from Atlantis.

Thank you for your interminable and pedantic smiting.

Very bitterly, yet reasonably humbly yours,

Mr. B

6

You still there God [or not] anyway here’s a few more for you to ponder over whilst busy inventing germs and such.

What have you given your ahem children in the last 100 years or so? I’ll tell you:

World Wars 1 & 2, Korea,Vietnam,Gulf Wars 1 & 2 (never fucking satisfied are you) other skirmishes around the globe, total dead exceeding 60 fucking million human beings and I’m not including that pal of yours from Cambodia and his tally.

You sure love a bit of carnage don’t you.

Lemme see, oh yes
AIDS…nice one fuckwit, well thought out.
SARS…another 10/10 for that
Various influenza epidemics, you never give up do you?
Famine. You rather like that one, right from the off thats been a number 1 hit of yours.
Disease. Guess you aint finished on those microbes yet, More to come? I reckon so you heartless bastard
Hunger/starvation, Biafra ring any bells?
Religion. That is a corker. In your name alone I just have no idea how many people have died, gotta be more than just a dozen or so. Why at least 3000 innocents perished on 9/11, IN YOUR FUCKING NAME.

Blowflies,Go on tell me what purpose they serve other than to spread YOUR germs.

“Forgive them father for they know not what they do” my arse pal.

7

9/11…ha! Please God, can you explain the Crusades? They were in your name, after all.

While you’re at it, what did you mean by the Black Death? Criminy, you had to have invented the microbe.

8

Yeah. I’ll give him a pass on that one, too. Those are kinda fun.

9

Now you’re talking. I had a few choice words with the big guy upstairs the other day. I was looking forward to a “first date”, last week only to find myself blessed with five coldsores a couple of days before the happy event.

So, I went to the Chemists’, purchased some over- priced cream for them and the very next day I woke up to discover that I’d had an allergic reaction. It looked like collagen implants all gone wrong.

And every day at work, I have customers that are the scum of the earth. So, we had words, because the big man has one sick sense of humour.

10

God did it this way because that is how it was done for Him.

It’s a puzzle of sorts. Once we conquer all of life’s problems and figure out immortality, we become Gods.

Then each of us is given our own universe to cock-up in whatever ways we see fit.

I really like those “small lettuce” looking thangs. They have given me untold hours of fun and excitement.

11

God;

Just a little note to thank you for giving me my father’s nose, which is pretty much all I have of him.

Go fuck yourself, you sadistic bastard.

~ KFL

12

I gotta give God a pass on that. After all, He made 'em fit together pretty good.

Wish He hadn’t put the playground so close to the dump, though.

13

Satan is the one responsible for death & destruction, go complain to him.

14

Hmm… not always…:dubious:

15

Pardon me JEFF OLSEN but I seem to recall that God came before Satan so my beef is with alleged numero uno.

Tomorrow or even later tonight I intend to disect the so called 10 commandments.
In fact I’ll start right now.

  1. Thou shalt not kill.
    Thou shalt not kill what? humans, animals, trees,insects, the guy that has a fucking big meat axe and is trying to kill me?
    You could have been more specific with this one but I guess you were far busier working out plagues of locusts,rivers of blood and other goodies to piss us off.
    On the other hand if you meant we shouldn’t kill ANYTHING then we would all be dead from starvation by now, maybe that was the whole plan right from the word go. It sure would have saved you a lot of bother if we had listened.

I’ll be back with commandment 2 later, in the meantime go fuck spiders.

16

Well spogga, if we’re gonna split hairs about this…

The actual commandment is

There’s quite a bit of difference between killing someone and murdering someone. If you’re not sure of the dictionary, go look 'em up.

17

Oh, and it’s the 6th commandment, not the first.

18

M’Lord,
Did I say I was gonna list them in the order that they given?

No, I am listing them in the order that they SHOULD have been.

As far as I’m concerned God make a complete and utter fuck up of everything his grubby little mitts touched.
I do know the difference between murder and kill, did the Great and Majestic One? I don’t even think he cared just so long as blood was spilled.

19

Who created Satan?

20

Dear me, and to think all of this is over little ol’ Me!

Be at peace my child.

GaWd,

The Homonid formerly known as Sam