Not that it’s my intention to make this woman the bad guy, but why doesn’t she love me enough to NOT want to have kids?
Is having kids somehow a higher moral ground than not wanting any more?
Also, perhaps I love her enough to not wish to deny her the opportunity to have kids and therefore am stepping aside to allow her to find what she desires and deserves but I cannot give?
Really nyctea, your outlook is a bit naive here. And frankly a little insulting.
Oh. My. God…
You want him to give you children even if he doesn’t want them…just to make you happy?
See, the difference here is that your uncle and your boyfriend both want more children with their new SO. QuickSilver did not want children with his girlfriend. The fact that he didn’t want children just to make her happy is no more indicitive of his love for her than is the fact that she was unwilling not to have children to make him happy.
In your last paragraph, you seem to be taking the decision to have kids pretty lightly, IMHO. Why in the world wouldn’t someone want to take on the emotional and financial responsibility for one or more human beings for at least the next 18 years? Gee, I can’t imagine . . .
On preview, I see that other people are making the same points I am. But dammit, I put a lot of thought into this post, and I’m posting it anyway!
I knew some of you would not agree with my outlook and that is fine. It’s my opinion.
But I really am curious as to what your reasons are for not wanting more kids. Again, what is SO BAD about having another kid (you already have two) that you are willing to give up someone you love due to your opposition to it?
I am just saying, it all depends on what your reasoning is (from this woman’s point of view). If it’s that you’re 65 years old and you don’t want to be 83 years old and in a wheelchair on your kid’s high school graduation day… OK fine. If you’re ill and probably will be dead and not around to raise your kid… OK fine. If you’re unemployed and poor and would not be able to support a kid… OK fine. If you HATE kids and would make a bad father… OK fine. If you already have a large number of children like 5 or 6… OK fine.
But I don’t think any of these is the case in your case. So all I am saying is, that must be a really crushing blow to that woman. I know it would be to me. That’s all I am saying.
Um, no. I never said that. He didn’t want more kids with his ex (they had three, which is plenty for one couple), but he definitely wants kids with me. Because he loves me and wants to have a family with me.
I think that many people find themselves in this situation, especially in this day and age were 50% of couples divorce. Divorced people may think they don’t want more kids, but then they fall in love and marry again, and the instinct and desire to have a family with this new person comes back again.
In QuickSilver’s case, that desire was sadly not renewed when he fell in love again. And that is probably what hurts his ex the most.
I realize that the only explanation I have to give is that I simply don’t want more kids. That should be enough. But it sounds to me like you have a more than casual interest in knowing the answer so I’ll expound a bit.
I’m 42. Healthy. Employed. Financially comfortable.
I’m a father of two (6 and 9 y.o.)
I’m a devoted and very loving father and though I’m with my kids only every other day, I’m actively involved in raising them and participating in all aspects of their lives. So another child or children is not something I desire to have in my life and I’m not willing to simply be a sperm doner.
I understand. 42 is kind of old to be starting new with a newborn, poopy diapers and no sleep.
So, that probably means you’ll be limited to 1) women who already have kids and 2) women who don’t want kids.
Which isn’t necessarily a bad thing. There are probably tons of women in your age-range who already have kids and probably don’t want more.
Good luck.
Let me get this straight. You & this slip of a girl are about 75% compatible but that other 25% involves her entering a stage of life that you’re already well-into. Aaaaand you’re dissin’ on yourself for ending it now–when you recognize this mismatch–as opposed to what? Later? When it’s harder and you both have even more invested in each other? Am I right in understanding that you’re feeling guilty for accepting the friendship she offered? What exactly do you feel that you owe her for the two years she SHARED with you? That’s right, Quickie, SHARED. You’ve been giving her something she needed all this time as well.
Let’s look at this situation under a blacklight for a second. I’m at a bit of a crossroads myself and for a number of months have just been sitting here, not moving, not even much responding when YOU damn near sprain something from kicking me as hard in the ass as you can to get a move on. Once I get my shit together am I going to be facing the same debt schedule you seem to be holding yourself to? No, you and I aren’t doing the horizontal bop, but you’re one of 4 people I trust on the whole planet. The friendship I get from you is of immense value to me–what am I going to owe you after two years?
Nothing. Not a dick dime. You wouldn’t ask for my life, and while I might consider it, it’s not a sure thing that I’d give it. The only thing you owe this lady is the truth and your best shot at a clean deal in this filthy fucked up world. You feel shitty, sure, and it’s no help knowing that for every sand-pounder like you there’s nine other guys without the intestinal fortitude to identify a lifeweed and pull it.
Buck up, little camper. You made a hard call that’s only going to help you both. Other guys we won’t name don’t have that kind of courage.
I don’t think you’re hearing me or anyone else who’s chimed in thus far. Not for someone who wants a kid at that age. It’s just that I don’t.
*bolding mine.
I’m sure millions of not necessarily bad women thank you for you backhanded approval.
Perhaps I’m being a little sensitive at the moment. Or perhaps you’re being a little insulting? I can’t figure out which. :dubious:
Oh dear. I don’t mean to pick on you, really I don’t. But damn.
So now I ask, what the hell does his age have to do with not wanting kids? Nothing! That’s what.
I’m 35. My husband is 32. Are you suggesting that if my husband wanted more children and I didn’t, that I should have more because if I didn’t it would mean I didn’t love him? Well, actually, yes, based on your posts I guess that is exactly what you are suggesting. Ughhhh.
Honey, I don’t think you’re quite ready to bring another human being into this world. Sorry.
Thanks for reminding me of this way of looking at it. She kind of made me feel like she carried my ass this entire time. Which isn’t at all true. I’ve been generous to a fault in many big and small ways. Not perfect mind you. And not without one or two uncompromising positions. But these too were not entirely without justification. Though I’m loath to rationalize my own behavior. It feels cheap.
Sob. 
We used to love sex under a black light. With those fluorecent body paints. 
Oh, sure. That’s just like you. It’s all about you now. 
<swipe> Something in my eye…
A fucking drink would be nice.
Ungrateful bastard.
Nah, keep it. You couldn’t pay me enough.
It doesn’t feel much like courage right now.
No, Quick, you’re not being oversensitive. Truly.
Having kids isn’t an instinct. It doesn’t come with falling in love, no matter how much you might want it to.
I’m so glad I’m ‘not necessarily’ bad. I feel so much better.
That should say “wanting to have kids isn’t an instinct”
QuickSilver, I am seriously not trying to be insulting at all. I was just saying that because of you not wanting kids, you are limiting yourself to women with kids (plenty of them in your age range) or women who don’t want kids (some, but not a ton). A fact which is neither good nor bad. It’s just a reality.
About the age thing, I guess I misattributed you mentioning you age as somehow related to you not wanting more kids… You still haven’t offered even a hint at a reason. I at least hope you gave your girlfriend a reason.
There are endless reasons to NOT want to have kids, or to NOT want to have more than 2 kids. But “I dunno, I just don’t” isn’t really a fair reason to give to the woman you love.
So, you’e such a terrible person for realizing that you can’t meet the needs of someone you care enough to be honest with? What else should you have done? Led her on and wasted her time?
Sheesh, relax, pal, you did the right thing.
I think I have. You just don’t want to accept it.
I’m curious as to why you refuse to accept my, “I don’t want any more children with anyone” as a valid reason among all those endless ones you believe to exist, and believe to be valid (?).
I don’t want to change diapers, again.
I don’t want to do midnight feedings, again.
I don’t want to read “The very hungry caterpillar”, again (and again…).
I don’t want to sort little socks and jumpers, again.
I don’t want to walk hunched over with the kid’s death grip on my fingers, again.
I don’t want to negotiate safety gates and safety door latches all day, again.
I don’t want to feel like my house is a safety romper room, again.
I enjoyed all of these things and many more with each of my two kids but I’m also enjoying every day with them now and I like experiencing their growing process with them. I don’t want to go back to do it all over again because I’m not done with learning and enjoying and focusing on them now and for a number of years to come.
I understand if others do. I don’t.
I’ve said as much to my ex-girlfriend and she accepts it. She’s sad about it but she understands and accepts it.
It seems that you don’t. What answer are you looking for exactly? I don’t understand. 
Grr.
“I just don’t.” is an entirely adequate and just reason for not wanting to have children. Even if that means a relationship is going to end because someone wants children and someone else doesn’t. No one is entitled to be given any other reason why someone does not want to provide DNA/parenting.
Finally, you have answered the question. Now I understand. Your explanation here is plenty sufficient.
I just didn’t see anywhere in your posts an explanation as clear and concise as the one above. Thank you.
I understand you, I really do, and I am sorry you had to lose someone you love.
But I guess in my perfect fantasy world, if you really truly love someone, all of those inconveniences and all that work would be so worth it to create a family with someone you love - a family which you can spend the rest of your life with, and kids with whom you and your spouse can watch grow together, experience happiness with together, all living under the same roof. Who you can attend their weddings together, hand in hand, and see your grandchildren, and who will be there for you when you’re old.
Hey, I am not necessarily looking forward to doing all those things you listed. But I have heard so many people say (here on the boards especially) that it’s “so worth it” and “the best experience of your life,” blah blah. So I guess it wasn’t the same for you.
Barring any unforeseen events (death, etc.) nothing is stopping my husband and I from living this life. We are living this life. We don’t need to have more kids to have this, and we are more than perfectly physically and financially able to. We just don’t want any more children. I can’t imagine that this is much different for other couples in similar situations.
I really don’t know QuickSilver from Adam, but it seems to me that you are continuing to insult him. Where the hell would you get that his children aren’t the “best experience in his life” or “so worth it?” Because he doesn’t want more? I’m sorry, I just can’t wrap my head around this reasoning.
Actually, I think you’ve misread his post. He isn’t saying that fatherhood sucks. In fact, I bet he’d say that in some ways, fatherhood has been the making of him and the best part of his life so far. But unlike those of us without kids (those of us who live in our perfect little fantasy worlds), he also knows that fatherhood comes with a price. Is it so surprising that someone who’s been down that road, who knows exactly what the landscape looks like, should say that he’s content with where he is and doesn’t want to do that again?
I guaran-damn-tee you that most adults with children would tell you the same thing – that they reached a point where, as much as they loved their families, they didn’t want more kids. We like to tell my youngest brother that my parents reached that point right before he was conceived. 