[QUOTE=nyctea scandiaca}Hey, I am not necessarily looking forward to doing all those things you listed. But I have heard so many people say (here on the boards especially) that it’s “so worth it” and “the best experience of your life,” blah blah. So I guess it wasn’t the same for you.[/QUOTE]
Actually, it’s so much the same for him that he isn’t willing to compromise it with the children he has in order to invest himeslf in a second family. 'Splaining will take to long; I’ll try to sum up.
My children’s father has remarried. His wife has two kids (at the time they got together, the kids were very small). Rather naturally, since they live with him & their biological father is completely out of the picture, he is very involved in their lives. Unfortunately, to the point of short shrifiting the children he and I have together. From what I gather, QuickSilver isn’t willing to do that to the children he has now. That’s what I call a good dad.
Children aren’t appliances. You don’t just get new ones because they’d be a cool thing to have and it’d make your wife happy. They’re a long term investment of time, money, energy… you name it. Every resource you have, you put into your kids. If your partner is in any way unwilling to have more kids, except to make you happy, it’s a pretty fair bet they’re not going to be a good parent. And will probably end up resenting that child because of the time/effort/money, etc. they will be forced to expend on this person they didn’t really want but you did.
I don’t know whether this has to do with Quicksilver’s reasoning, but I intend to have at most two children. Preferably one. Why? Because then I can be the best parent I can be, and I can devote all of my resources toward giving my child the best life possible. It’s a shitty world out there, and they need all the help they can get.
Frankly, every child added is a drain on the family as a whole, and has a negative effect on the rest of the children. With each extra child, everyone gets less attention. And so perhaps Quicksilver doesn’t want to have another child simply because he wants to enjoy the ones he has already, and you know, actually participate in their lives instead of being distracted by a new baby.
I’m so confused by this. In your perfect world, people would plan on having children that they didn’t want?! You do realize that children are people, not, as Maureen pointed out, appliances, right?
Quicksilver: I admire your courage…better to do it now then in a number of years when you’ve said “well, I don’t know” enough.
I’ve been on the other side; two engagements gone for a crapper because I didn’t want children. As a woman, it seems to be a lot harder to explain, don’t really know why. Each of them thought I would change my mind after a while. I didn’t.
You did the right thing. Children aren’t really a negotiating point in a relationship - both have to want them and it is a subject which should be discussed before the relationship is finalized…
Quick Silver, I’m going to chime in here and say that I, too, admire your courage, and frankly, find it a pretty good indication of the strength of your character that you’re honest and up front about not wanting more children. It’s honest - and while honesty does sometimes hurt, it IS the best policy. (I know - that sounds stupid but it’s the best I can do right now.)
Fantasy world is correct. That scenario you described is exactly what my husband and I have - with our sons, both of whom were from previous marriages. I don’t need to continue to breed to have a family, I have one now.
If I may ask, how old are you? Cuz your naivite is showing.
WTF? When did you hear me say that?
**nyctea **, I really want to believe you’re comments come from your lack of experience with children and life in general. So in time you’ll look back on this conversation and want to bang your head on your desk from embarassment. Cuz my alternative conclusion is that you simply refuse to listen to people with a much better and broader perspetive on the subject.
Now quit jacking this thread. Open your own if you want to discuss your perspective on having children and what constitutes a loving and giving relationship. My parenting experiences and (lack of) desires to repeat same in future relationships are off the table now.
QuickSilver, you did the right thing. Good on you. What nyctea’s not getting is that you did end the relationship because of your love for this woman. You love her so much that you only want to see her happy. You know that you can’t give her that happiness, and that makes you (and her) sad, but you ended the relationship so that she’d have the chance to go and find someone who could. You ended it because you loved her so much, not because you didn’t love her enough.
I know you (and others) have already said this, but I thought repeating it in small words might lead to better comprehension for others.
Not everyone in the world wants to have kids - some of us are born lacking the “gotta procreate” vibe. Having a family does not necessarily mean that children are involved - SpouseO and I are a family; we’re childless, and plan to remain so for the foreseeable future. Should I find myself in another relationship, with a man who wants children, I’ll do the considerate, adult thing and let him find someone who wants the same. That person isn’t me, and it’ll only end badly if I pretend it is.
I had a relationship in college for >2 years with a guy who wanted kids. Obviously we were pretty young at the time and I wasn’t sure what I wanted. But over those two years I became more and more resolved in my decision that I didn’t want kids. After we graduated, we parted ways. It was so difficult at the time, but now looking back, for so many reasons - beyond just the kids thing - it was the right decision.
Now, having found someone who also doesn’t want to have kids, and who is so much more compatible with me in so many ways, I am so much happier than I ever could have been trying to make it work with the guy who wanted kids.
Yeah, it hurts like hell. But in the end it is the best choice for both of you, and good for you for making that decision.
Been there, done that and am much better off for it. Good luck.
Bear in mind that he didn’t owe you any explanation at all. He’s not accountable to anyone – even his own partner – about why he doesn’t want more children.
I understand you weren’t trying to be insulting, but please understand that when you press somebody on this, you are most definitely being rude. Sometimes the reasons are personal, and sometimes embarassing, and sometimes very painful. By prying, you are essentially telling someone to reveal a private part of themselves that they might like to keep private.
Imagine, if you will, asking someone if they are unable to have kids. In effect, you are asking “Do your genitals malfunction?” Not exactly polite dinner conversation.
Or perhaps you ask a woman why she has no kids, and after sufficient prodding, she finally offers that after 2 miscarriages that left her sterile and abandoned, she finally got over the pain, but thanks so much for reopening that old wound.
I’m glad that it’s nothing like that for the OP, but please reconsider your right to pry. It’s rude.
As half of a childless-by-choice couple, let me add a hearty “AMEN!” to this. What other people do with their reproductive organs is NOBODY’S BUSINESS BUT THEIR OWN. If you continue to pester people in real life like you did in this thread, nyctea, don’t be surprised if their patience for it has worn reeeeal thin.
Good for you for doing the right thing, QuickSilver. Don’t be afraid to pat yourself on the back, either. Give yourself credit where credit is due.
I should point out that I didn’t mean to say nyctea was herself rude, or a bad person, or whatever. I realize now that my post might have come off that way. I meant to say that on this particular subject, the questions you might think are perfectly innicent can be perceived as pretty invasive.