I’ve broken the heart of one of the kindest and sweetest souls I’ve ever known. A woman who saw me through the hardest two years of my life. Divorce. Extended period of unemployment. Associated stress, self doubt and mild depression. The entire rollercoaster ride.
But not just the bad. Also through some of my best highs and self (re)discovery. Realization of some fantasies, big and small. The start of the rest of my life and the many possibilities.
And the one thing that she wanted, the one thing she most deserved, I could not give her. Not emotionally and not physically. Her own family.
Oh sure. I’ve got my kids. But she’s got every right to her own. It just can’t be from me.
So it’s over. The best and worst two years of my life with the one person who’s made it the most tollerable. The one who’s given so much, doesn’t want to speak to me ever again. Why? Because we’ve both agreed to move on and now that it’s really happening and we’re both dating again, she realizes that she’s invested her time and heart into someone who could never give her what she ultimately deserves. Her own family.
I’ve tried to be the best I could. I loved her. I guess that wasn’t enough. We just can’t reconcile our two realities. So we must both move on. I’m going to miss her very much.
P.S. ** Inigo**, I love you like a brother. But if come in here with some comment about pounding sand, gravel or some other geological sediment, I’m going to kick your ass. Don’t fucking start.
I can see that you’re feeling terrible about it now, and she’s probably all sorts of hurt about it now too. But in a year or two, when she really gets her feet under her and maybe finds someone that she’s more compatible with, she’s going to realize that you did, after all, give her what she needed. Not directly, no, but you’re the one who cut the ties to something that wasn’t right, letting her go out and find what was right.
I am she, actually, and I’m just now starting to realize the gift that he gave me. Not exactly the same situation, but close enough that I can sort of see yours.
Well, I never kept it a secret that I didn’t want any more kids. So she knew that right up front. But she wasn’t sure back then and getting involved with me and being around my kids, I guess that made her change her mind.
But still. She’s a great person and who was very good to me. I hope she finds the happiness she deserves. I’m just sorry that it couldn’t be me.
I really have to agree with Cowgirl Jules here. If it’s her own children she really wants, she will find the right person to realize that dream with. And once she does, you’ll just be a memory - the person that perhaps helped her realize that was what she really wanted in life. I wouldn’t beat myself up too much if I were you.
Why did you have kids with another woman, but won’t have kids with this woman who you say you love? You’re so against it that you’re willing to lose her over it?
I think you’re making it too simple. Some possible reasons QuickSilver doesn’t want to or can’t have kids: his are old enough that he doesn’t want to start all over again. Or maybe he got a vasectomy after he had all the kids he wants. Or he’s medically unable to have kids (maybe his are adopted). Or maybe it is as simple as he just doesn’t want any more kids. If he was always clear about that, and she changed her mind, it’s unfair to fault him.
Whatever it is, it sounds like they’re both hurt pretty bad.
If it makes you feel any better, QuickSilver, I just yesterday got back in touch with an ex-boyfriend who I haven’t written or talked to for a couple years. I broke off contact with him so I could get over him and heal myself, and now that I have, I hope we can be friends again.
What the hell does it matter how much they love each other or say they love each other? He has kids, he doesn’t want anymore. It’s not like getting a puppy.
I have children, so does my husband, and we don’t want anymore. (We don’t have any together.) I love my husband to absolute pieces. Truly, deeply love him. But if he had wanted more children, then our relationship would have ended, if it ever even began, pretty quickly.
No amount of love can make me change my mind about how many children I am willing to raise. None. Nada. And it should go without saying that our love for our children knows no bounds.
If that’s what hurts her she needs to grow the hell up. Honestly, this post put a visual in my head of a grown woman stomping her feet and pulling on pigtails “You’ll have children with her, but not with me! Wahwahwhahwa!”
I had two children when I was married. The last was 6 years ago. I had a vascectomy shortly afterwards because we decided not to have any more children.
Almost three years ago I separated from my wife. A little less than two years ago I met the woman in the OP. In September of last year we decided to split up and started dating other people. My divorce came final in the fall. We the OP woman (not my ex wife) continued to see one another from time to time. Now we’re officially splitting up and even if it’s for the right reasons, it really sucks.
If that’s the visual you’re getting then it was not my intention. She’s not being petulant about it. But I know my kids will be a constant reminder to her about what she’s come to realize she wants but will never have with me. I can’t in clear conscience set up a situation where she’ll be wistful about what could have been and perhaps unintentionally hold a grudge against my kids.
I’m sorry QuickSilver, I should have specified. That was certainly not the visual I got from your original post, but rather nyctea’s post. I completely understand your situation. I think you’re being frank and fair. I’m sure it hurts, but well, that’s life. She’ll move on.
My uncle has two grown children and is divorced. He had a vasectomy. He is now married to a woman in her mid-thirties and they want children. They are undergoing in-vitro fertilization and she is pregnant with twins.
Hey may not have wanted more children when he was still married to his first wife… but the way I see it, he is in love and he wants to have a family with his new wife. I can’t imagine that he would rather give her up than have one or more new children with her.
Secondly, in my situation… my boyfriend has three children with his ex-wife. Now I don’t think they would have had more children, but I know that when we get married, he wants to have children with me. Because he loves me. And he wants to have a family with me. If he didn’t, then in my mind he doesn’t love me enough. Because that is what you do when you love someone. You want them to be happy.
I guess what I am saying is that it is really sad to me that his refusal to have kids (why??) is causing him to lose this woman. What is it about having more kids that is SO BAD that it is worth losing someone you love?
WTF? No disrespect intended, as I realize you’re trying to clarify your point, but really, this sounds even worse than your previous comment. So, what you’re saying is children are some kind of token to be “given” like a gift? That a real, live HUMAN BEING should be brought unto this earth in order to satisfy the needs of another? If I’m reading you wrong, feel free to correct me.
I suppose not everyone wants the same thing out of life. Children are a huge responsibility, and it’s probably not good to have them in order to make a partner happy. That wouldn’t be fair to anyone, and especially not the children.