::written as I shush my 4.5-yr-old twins away from me, as I’ve had ENOUGH of them for today::
I can kind of agree with some of your views - sure, a roomful of toys and Spongebob on endless loop are a poor substitute for hugs and stories. Yep. And it is hard to watch parents struggle. It’s painful to watch.
But you know, during my periods of mothering crisis I wouldn’t have wanted your advice, either. You sound smug and competitive and judgmental.
If you want to help Olivia, then help her. Be nice to her. Don’t make this about who’s a better parent or who’s a better kid. Why are you comparing them?
Wipe the fricking snot away if it’s bothering you so much. What do you mean “it’s holding her back socially”? Are you her family or the debutante committee?
Don’t get pissy about Olivia not behaving well at your daughter’s party - she’s 2.5 for chrissake, what do you expect? That’s prime brat age. And you had some kind of instructor, at a 3-yr-old’s birthday party? Why?
If you want to help Olivia, then accept her as she is. Take the kids to the park and let them run around in circles or jump in the mud or something. Put them in the bathtub with a bowl of Cool Whip and let them have at. If she can’t share the crayons, then don’t expect her to. She’ll probably outgrow it.
And, for the record, at that age 4 months IS often a big deal, developmentally.
I think you missed the point of the OP. I am not pitting Olivia, she is 100% innocent in this matter. I don’t think I’m off-base saying there’s correlation with the way our respective children were raised vs how they currently behave.
If she is autistic or has other issues, I am pitting the parents for their inaction and indifference in getting the needed help.
Walk a mile, dude. Maybe they’re wretched parents and horrible human beings. They might be. I don’t know.
I do know that their circumstances are miles different from yours – two kids, close in age, possibly with learning difficulties? Vastly more challenging.
When my husband or I need a break, we each take one kid. It’s a piece of cake.
I understand that you’re angry and disappointed with their parenting choices. Your brother and sister-in-law aren’t following the Best Parenting Practices of the New Millennium Guidelines. It may or may not matter, truly.
I like to play that game, too, I like to imagine that I’ve got this mothering thing figured out, that I know what I’m doing, that I’m making wonderful choices that will give my kids a secure foundation leading to a rewarding future.
Right about the time when I reach a point of certainty, events always conspire to bring me to my knees. But not through drama - it’s exhaustion that gets me, having to function when my energy and patience are completely depleted.
Parenting is such a humbling experience.
If you want your sister-in-law to be a warm, caring, compassionate mother, then behave that way towards her. It works a lot better than criticism.
And you’ll be setting an excellent example for your child.
And you can do every recommended thing and never waver and still have complete shits for kids when they grow up. I think Olivia’s parents show some poor parenting skills, but there may be more involved–depression on the part of the mom for starters. Again, you have a choice: find the best way to support Olivia and care for her (which means strengthening the relationship between you and her parents) or biting you tongue and biding your time.
Also, don’t try for support or sympathy in the Pit–seriously, this is not the place for it. You could be up for canonization and people here will still carp and castigate you. It seems to be required to “prove” OPs wrong and turn the tables on them and make them the “bad guy”. Just a word to the wise.
I get that you guys are good parents. But at this point I think I have to agree with others in this thread and say all you can do is be quiet, lead by example and listen. Because when your Mom says “all kids are different”, she may not just be saying ‘all kids are different’. She may be saying “oh no, not this again”.
Put yourself in your sister-in-laws shoes. Aside from being pregnant with twins, and having a toddler, your oldest, your first attempt at raising a child may be disabled with something you don’t understand, (is it your fault?), and it seems every chance she gets your “perfect” sister-in-law takes the opportunity to rub it in your face that you aren’t handling care of your own children as well as she can with her one child.
Not even counting for what may be an (adult) sibling rivalry thing going on, that’s a lot to process.
Now. I’m not saying you treat her that way. But I can see how she would feel like you treated that way.
