TL;DR version: large in-law family members tease and pick at one another to excess, and I’m very uncomfortable with that behavior. Help.
I am the mother of a laid back 3 month old who is committed to ensuring that she spends a fair amount of time with her father’s large family. Each visit, baby is subjected to being passed around like a plate of rolls, and she often startles and fusses for a minute or two when she realizes she is not in the arms of her mother or father. That’s okay: she needs to know this family and form relationships with others, as well as learn to adapt to new situations. What is not okay: this family take great pleasure in teasing one another. When the baby complains, another family member will snatch the child away and say “Are you pinching the baby? That baby doesn’t like you. Does Aunt D smell funny? You are too ugly to hold a baby. Your face is scaring the baby. Stop hurting that child. Baby wants you to shut up. Did that monster scare you?” and so on. The person being teased often scowls or stomps off to pout, and family members under 20 seem particularly perturbed by the ribbing. I sit quietly smiling in a corner, (neutral; under the radar) but they often turn to me (nursing mother) and demand to know what I’ve eaten that day that would cause her to complain. “What did Mommy do to you?” The scene resembles nothing more than an old Jane Goodall documentary in which a helpless baby chimp is mistreated and exhausted by the childless females of a tribe of chimps fighting over who gets to hold the baby. It is nerve-wracking for me, and though I remain quiet and smiling through the whole visit, I’m nearly shaking by the time I leave, this is too much negativity for me, even if it’s fun for them. No such thing as a loving, relaxing interaction with this clan.
Three things. One: this is my first and only child, and I’m likely guilty of over-protecting as well as projecting my own prejudice against trolling. Two: the family is headed by a 70 year old matriarch with a huge ego, her 4 children, and various nieces, nephews, and grandchildren who all live nearby and gather on week-ends. I have to admit the members of this large family are successful, well-adjusted, and happy people even if most are known for quick tempers. The teasing clearly hasn’t harmed any of the family members, and what little in-fighting I’ve seen appears to be average for any family. Three: though all are successful in life, not one of this family is what I would describe as selfless, charitable, or kind. I want my child to know empathy and recognize social cues more than I want her to make A’s in school. The members of this family yank the cat’s tail as it walks by, pretend to throw the dog’s ball while hiding it behind their back and laughing at his confusion, pinch, poke, and tickle one another and generally take delight in pushing one another’s buttons.
FTR: my very small family is laid back and funny, and we tease, too, but not to this extreme. Give me some coping tools here, or tell me to lighten up if that is my only option.
Being the mother of a 4 month old, I am surprised at how people interact with babies. They want to hold them right away, whether the baby likes it or not. My baby is not into being held right away, she wants to meet people first. If you give her time and have face-to-face contact with her she is thrilled, smiles and talks to you, then you can hold a cheerful baby. If you just grab her she’ll cry, and likely I’ll take her back. I have also found that they people who are more likely to do this have children of their own, so I guess they think they know babies. Then she cries and they get all pouty that my baby doesn’t like them. Seriously, you can’t have your feelings hurt bay a 4 month old!
My husband and I do the “Stop pinching her!” teasing, too. And when she’s chatty with just one of us we pretend she’s telling stories about the pinching the other one did while holding her. But I know what you mean about not having empathy, and there are some people my baby interacts with who have no empathetic social skills. I think you ccan counteract them, though, really.
Major bit of information missing: Have you talked to your DH about this, and what does he say? It sounds like you’re just not used to this style of interacting, so it’s stressful for you. Perhaps husband could help you out if he understood your concerns and where you’re coming from?
Yeah, this drives me crazy. It’s a contest to see who the baby “likes” the most, and my guess is that ain’t the stranger who is making weird noises 3 inches from her face. I cringe inside when I see the baby arching her back and going all stiff-legged while trying to escape. Is there some folklore that babies enjoy that super-close interaction?
He’s a product of that environment, and in on the teasing action. He’s also fiercely loyal to his family, especially his mother. No way I could get away with such a complaint, and if I did, he would likely tease me about it…in front of them. I’ve no doubt they would gang up on me.
Yes. Everyone is nice when they are courting. I didn’t see the meanness in him until the baby was on the way. He’s a good guy, and loves his baby and is otherwise a great dad. But he’s a teasing pest like the rest of them.
Wow.
I’m sorry if I sound harsh. I don’t mean to. But, it doesn’t sound like he’s a very good guy at all, let alone a good husband, if he doesn’t back you regarding this. This is enough to rattle you so much that you begin to shake! That’s not cool. A man that loved you would be doing all he could to protect you. Not ‘tease you about it…in front of them’, nor would he even consider letting them ‘gang up on you’. You saying that you ‘didn’t see the meanness in him, until after the baby was on the way’, is a bit disconcerting, also.
Well, I didn’t mean complain and expect sympathy. I was thinking more along the lines of, “Honey, as you know, my family is not like this. I actually find some of this teasing to be hurtful, even though I’m well aware and fully realize that none if it is meant in a mean or hurtful way. But my family of origin doesn’t interact this way, so I’m always a bit uncomfortable. How do you think we could compromise?”
I’ve noticed this, too. People will often grab the baby right out of mother’s arms, even if mother has given no indication that she wants the baby held or even if the baby wants to be held. I don’t get it.
To the OP: you’ll have to teach her empathy on her own time, and you do have some say over your husband’s behavior. Or, move 900 miles away and only see them 2x a year.
Harsh is warranted, I agree that I didn’t make the best decision when choosing a partner. Hindsight is 20/20 and all that. But this is where I am now, and I could use some advice as to how to improve my situation. Thing is, they all seem to think they are being silly and fun, and don’t view it as minor bullying the way that I do. And they are either oblivious or uncaring when they’ve pushed someone too far. It’s the adult equivalent to “I’m not touching you!” and I’m almost certain it’s harmless, but damn it is sure unproductive and unconducive to a peaceful, happy visit.
Right, so I’m suggesting that you start communicating in a way that explains that you view this behavior as not all fun and games silliness but as hurtful bullying behavior. I’m talking about setting boundaries, not having some sort of temper tantrum meltdown in hysterics or anything. but start a calm, rational discussion when you aren’t particularly upset about anything that was said or done recently. “Did you ever notice other families don’t treat each other this way? Do you see how it could be perceived sometimes as mean-spirited or hurtful by others who did not grow up with this type of interaction?” Don’t lay blame, don’t look for fault, don’t accuse, don’t expect or try to change others’ behavior. But do communicate about how you feel with “I statements”, meaning “When your family teases me, I feel small and hurt.” And then look for mutually beneficial solutions, such as “I’ll try to develop a thicker skin if baby teasing is totally off limits.” As in, you may have to make some effort yourself to move toward the middle, but it shouldn’t only be you compromising and nobody else has to do anything to help you feel more comfortable. You’ll probably have to tolerate a bit more teasing than you’d be comfortable with, but perhaps you can take some hot-button topics off the table?
I sure wish I had an answer for you, but I don’t. I’ve never been in that type of situation, and I don’t really know exactly how I would handle it.
When their shenanigans get to be too much for you, is there any way you could excuse yourself, and remove yourself from the situation? At least for a little while, until you’ve regrouped, and calmed down. There is probably nothing that you could say to them that would make them change the way they act. Their behavior has already been set in stone, it seems.
I would rather make a statement that leaves me fully accountable for my feelings without transferring blame to our respective upbringings. I’m thinking that comparing our families would be a mistake for two reasons: different socio-economic backgrounds, and he is a product of an ugly divorce and absentee father whereas my parents are happily married nearly 50 years. Don’t want to even hint of deficiencies in his home environment. Those things aren’t his fault.
This is how I feel: Honey, your family members are obnoxious bullies and the teasing makes me feel like I’m sitting in an elementary school cafeteria and I hate exposing the baby to constant negative racket. Holy shit it’s loud and tiring at your mother’s. How can we have a peaceful visit?
What I can’t figure out is how to phrase it without sounding like a shrill overprotective hypersensitive mother, which is (I’m certain) how they view me.
This sounds like a good start. I’m in a weird place, as I was never bullied by anyone other than my older sister, so I’m finding it difficult to understand exactly why I’m so put out by their behavior. But for some reason I feel like a peace-loving, granola-cruching hippy stuck in the middle of a fraternity hazing. I just can’t seem to articulate exactly why dealing with this family feels like such an overwhelming, negative experience.
Troppus, you’ve described your situation so well I’m feeling kind of shaky just reading it. I don’t have advice, just a lot of sympathy. I liked Anaamika’s idea about moving away, but if you had to injure some of these people, I would be a lenient juror.
And here is where things get even more complicated. I can’t make myself leave the baby alone with the tribe, but since I’m nursing, I at least have an escape route for her when she indicates she’s hungry. But what in the world will I do when she’s weaned? Just sit there helpless while she’s passed around and teased? Or jump up, snatch her away from them and flee like a crazy person? I really need to find a solution now, before I no longer have an excuse to rescue her and calm down.
If moving were an option I’d be all over it. As things are, as I’m driving home and decompressing, I sing the baby to sleep then occupy myself with revenge fantasies. So far I’ve up-turned the Sunday dinner table 80’s video style, dumped a pitcher of ice tea over the uncle’s head, pantsed his uptight wife who considers herself the baby expert since she’s an elementary school teacher, written a court order banning the entire clan from owning pets, swatted his mother with a rolled-up newspaper, and lined them up by order of height and smacked them in quick succession Three Stooges-style.
I’m having the worst time with this, really. Laying awake the night before the visit, just full of dread and shame that I feel so helpless and so bothered by what is probably harmless fun.
