The reason it feels that way is because it is an overwhelming negative experience. I’m sorry you’re stuck with that guy. If it doesn’t improve I’d seek out a divorce lawyer.
If you have a talk with him, make sure it’s one on one, not in the middle of the family gathering.
I’m sorry, but I don’t see how you are being short changed here. Apparently your in-laws have a dynamic where they jokingly rib on each other (I wasn’t sure at first, but in your later post you explicitly state how they all think it’s just fun and games). Since nobody seems to be doing it to you, I honestly don’t get why they should change their behavior, just because you can’t imagine acting like this with your own family.
Unless they are doing something that is hurtful to your child (something I honestly didn’t see, maybe I missed it), or actually teasing you, I don’t see what why you should have anything to say about it.
works for me.
Get stroppy back at them. If you have car keys, take the baby and leave whenever they start up.
See above.
See above.
I would not worry about how you sound. Sorry, I put up with a BF that was like that and he ended up getting physically abusive gradually. I now have pretty much NO wiggle room on how I am treated, or how the people around me are treated. As soon as they start picking on you and the baby, I would get up and leave if they did not stop when told outright bluntly to stop that that is abusive behavior and you will not have your child or yourself treated like that. Someone else can bring your schlub of an idiot husband home. If he is not going to back you on how his family treat you and the baby, stop going to visit. If they insist on coming into your house, if they will not leave when you tell them to, either call the police, or take the baby and leave.
You are probably right, I keep telling myself it’s harmless and fun for the person doing the teasing, if not as much fun for the person being teased. But the tension is thick, and everyone is always on the verge of getting mad. No one has anything nice to say, it’s constant (not exaggerating) insults and ribbing. It’s just bad, poisoned air.
But if you are right, and I’m out of line, I don’t know how to unlearn feeling nervous and uncomfortable in their presence, and I don’t want to pass along the tension I feel to my child.
You can’t. This is an ingrained way of life for their entire extended family. It’s natural and fun for them. I’ve interacted with people like this in the workplace (to whom teasing is more natural than breathing, they always have a cutdown up their sleeve). Like you, I find interacting with such people to be *extraordinarily *unpleasant. But you’re not going to change it, it’s ingrained.
What you can do is limit your and your child’s exposure to it. If it makes you uncomfortable, your only viable solution is to be around it as little as possible. How you handle that with the child’s father is entirely up to you.
If your husband doesn’t back you, you’ve got little to no chance of having a peaceful visit with your family. Sorry. If you can’t present a united front, and if he is not even willing to consider that it hurts YOU, then there’s no fixing it.
The only thing you can do is severely limit you and your child’s time with them. You’re a parent now, and your number one priority is your child. That means if someone is hurting them, you are expected to step in. Sure, she’s a baby now. What happens when she’s 2, or 4, or 6? What happens when she’s 10 and they cut her down then? Children don’t always get the jokes in the same way as adults.
My family is like your husbands. When my son was born I grabbed the first opportunity available and moved 3000kms away. Being born into the midst of it doesn’t have to blind you to the realities. To be fair in addition to the joking and pranks my family was also racist and they found exposing the kids to porn at 7 or 8 to be the height of restraint so I had further motivation.
Since I grew up with it I wasn’t stressed about it as you are but I was damn clear that I didn’t want to constantly be explaining to my kids that behaviour that they were prohibited from was okay at Grandma’s house.
My best advice is to cut back on the visits. Get a hobby that conflicts, start a book club, a fitness routine (running with baby!) anything to reduce the number of times you’re exposed. That will help you deal with the times that you can’t avoid it.
Moved from MPSIMS to our advice forum, IMHO.
I feel small complaining about this when there are families with real problems that can’t be solved with reason or compromise. But I’m sitting her looking at this little lump of person who has a relatively blank slate for a brain and she has zero control over what information gets written on it. I hate subjecting her to the gauntlet simply because it is expected of me, feel I’m failing us both. And I can’t bear to think of raising a bully. Or raising her in an environment where she is bullied.
I am reading and processing all the advice, taking it seriously and appreciating it. I’m bad to hold things in and blow up, but if you guys will keep brainstorming with me I will promise to protect my child and handle this calmly rather than tear the house down in a self-righteous rage. Cause that would be unproductive. (But man, it sure would feel good)
Darling, this is only Early Days. You have 20+ years to get through yet, and just because she moves out, doesn’t mean she’s off your hands! 
Save the house tearing down for the big ones.
That said, that doesn’t diminish the fact that the japes are a problem.
Trust me, you’re worrying about it, that’s a good thing, you’ll do fine.
I get that you don’t like them and their interactions. What I don’t get is why you hand the baby over.
Can I hold the baby?
No.
So they will think you’re a no-fun bitch. Most likely, they already do. Where’s the downside?
All that said, understand, these people have really different “love language” than you, but they are not bullying you or your baby. I happen to think “The Five Love Languages” is a pretty good book for most people to read, even if it is a little Jesus-y. Maybe it will help you frame the discussion with your husband. “when you don’t acknowlege my point of view, even in private between us, I don’t feel loved”)
My thoughts. Basically I think you’re right to try and calm down about it. Maybe these will help:
It’s no fun being around constant over-competitiveness and tearing-down, but, well, that’s life, and in particular that’s family sometimes. Let your husband know, not in a ‘make them change’ way but in a ‘your family sometimes stresses me out’ way, so you can get some understanding and sympathy (I hope).
It’s not what you want your kid around all the time, but it’s not what she is around all the time. It’s just some visits. Think of it as culturallly broadening her horizon.
On the other hand, if she’s getting bothered by loudness/whatever, it’s your perogative as her mother to step in and say “I think she’s getting upset; I’d better hold her.” Sure, someone will object, but so what? Just say something like “Look, after you’ve gone through pregnancy and labor with <baby’s name>, you can tell me how to raise her.” and take her somewhere quiet for a while.
Hello Again, you are right, they do love one another, and that is why I take the baby over. There is love there, it just isn’t obvious and affectionate. I’m funny, so they think I’m fun, but they probably do wonder why I don’t tease and join in all the torment-y goodness.
I think I can get away with that, Quercus. “All the teasing and tension stresses me out” sounds like a good start. You’re right: she’s got to learn that some people play rough. She might as well learn from people who love her. But I will start rescuing her when things get tense.
Ahh the way I understood, both parties could deal with the teasing. If people are actually getting mad (or almost doing so) and there is tension, I can see how you may feel uncomfortable. In my experience, the way families deal with each other vary enormously… but when this regularly leads to ‘conflict’, something is obviously off. It probably still is difficult to do anything about it (except for limiting your time in their company); as the outsider you are never going to change the way the act amongst each other and asking for them to be ‘different’ when you’re around, will just make things awkward. In laws… just one of those things you have to deal with;).
I would like to put in a giant NO to “it’s harmless” because it is not, from what you posted.
this is how you feel and you are allowed to have your feelings: they are VALID. please, do not start with the assumption that what they do is OK and you need to get over it.
I’m not sure what the answer is, but I do know that much: your feelings are VALID and you are more than justified in expressing them. you set whatever boundries you feel you need to, however that needs to happen.
you do NOT have to make excuses or get them to agree. you (with your newborn) get to get up and leave if that is what you need to do. they will think what they like anyway.
I am extremely angry on your behalf and I hope you can make this work for you. long term, if your husband can’t be on your side - do you really want to be married to him? remember, marriage is nothing else if not an oath that he will put you before all others - and that means his Mom. harsh, but true.
I wish you the best.
One thing you can do is that instead of being serious and silent, be Pollyanna. When A cuts B down, swoop in and be all like “Oh no, Lucy loves her Grandma, don’t you, Lucy? Grandma wouldn’t pinch Lucy. Grandma loves Lucy, too! And she’s so good with babies. I’m always amazed.” People are mean little shits to each other because they don’t know what else to say. Being genuinely nice really disarms them.
The other thing you can do is wait. It may not be quite as bad as you think/you may be better able to handle it in six months. I am saying this as the mother of a ten-month old–you aren’t rational right now. Your sense of perspective is really skewed and you don’t have the emotional reserves to handle stuff. I am not trying to minimize your emotional reaction or justify them being jerks, but I do think it’s worth waiting until you are getting 8 hours (or even six hours) of sleep a night before you take this on. Don’t borrow trouble.
Troppus, please, please, please stop making excuses for these trolls, and please stop belittling your own feelings. “Oh, I’m just being oversensitive” is garbage (excuse me) – you know what you need and you know what your child needs and you do not want to teach your baby that this is acceptable behavior.
That family is more messed up than they realize, if they are hurting each other’s feelings (from the OP) and think nothing of it. I’m not saying she shouldn’t know her father’s family or that you shouldn’t let her see that families are different and some are dysfunctional – just that this is not healthy behavior and is not acceptable. As she grows up, you need to talk about “Did you notice how what Uncle G said hurt Cousin B’s feelings? That wasn’t very nice, was it? I don’t think that’s right. What do you think?” or whatever. You need to be her role model for strong female behavior, not Grandma.
Maybe Grandma will die soon, and things will start to change.
Pulling the cat’s tail for laughs is a bad sign. 
Firstly, you can’t change the long-standing grand clan dynamics. You just can’t. They’ll never be capable of having the pleasant stress-free get-together you’re wishing for. It’s like asking toddlers to do algebra - it’s just not in them (as a group). I think you know this already, but have you accepted it?
Secondly, how often are you visiting? It sounded like they get together every weekend - surely not! Start limiting the visits in frequency and in time. You can do this frankly, telling your partner you find the gatherings stressful and while you’re still happy to get together with them all, you’d like to go less often (though he’s still welcome to go without you). Or you could do it quietly, by making other plans, or just declining some of the invites (this can be tricky at first if you’re not used to and comfortable with just saying no). Only you know which approach would work best on your partner, but if he gets defensive at the slightest “criticism” of his family, I’d go with the quiet approach.
An invitation is not a summons! You can decline
I do like Manda Jo’s idea of being a bit Pollyanna-ish. As long as you can pull it off, it really disarms negative people when you’re all sunshine and unicorns. They’ll think you’re a bit simple and niave, but who cares. Plus it may help you maintain a stress-free bubble of happy around yourself
I’m going to go against the grain here and say that it’s just how they are. “Teasing” is not a bad thing if everyone’s with it, it’s just a form of humour and social lubrication. I don’t get what harm you think they’re doing?
PLEASE don’t make this into a big deal just because of the {{hug}}y posters here who want to validate all your feelings. Sure, you have those feelings. And yeah, ideally you’d all be getting on with one another.
But please work towards getting on with one another rather than judging a family for frankly just working in a way you’re not used to. I’m not getting at you and I can understand where you are coming from but I can also understand what these so-called teasers are doing. I promise by the way there are lots of lurkers who think just like me who aren’t going to just come and say this because of sensitivity, but I think I owe it to you no matter how insensitive it makes me look.
Yeah, because telling him his family is a pack of bullies totally won’t hint at deficiencies in his home environment. :dubious: Overall people tend to be much more responsive to the notion that someone grew up with a different method of interaction and you’re suffering a bit of culture shock than the notion that they and their family are bad and wrong and ought to change. Besides, there is absolutely zero correlation between divorce and being a pack of smartasses or drama queens. If there was, my birth and in-law families would either get a lot more divorces or do a lot less snarking and squabbling. And I mean A LOT.
In other words, your thoughts are every bit as aggressive and unpleasant as theirs, and you have only the thin rim of “at least I don’t say it” to stand on when you judge them. That’s not much of a moral high ground, ya know?
Without actually seeing these folks in action, I can’t say if they’re assholes, or if they’re fine and you’re overly fragile, or what, but I will tell you this: There will always, always, ALWAYS be some degree of culture clash/shock when you assimilate into a family as an adult, no matter how healthy and happy and normal you or your new family is, and that will go both ways. It’s a perfectly normal, natural human instinct to think the way we’re used to is…well, not exactly the One True Way, but good and right and somewhat better and more right than any other methods that might also be good and right. Seriously, I’ve been with my husband for 17 years, and no matter how comfortable I’ve grown with the things about them that are different from how my family interacts, I still know, deep in my heart of hearts, that those people act that way because they’re weird. And he knows deep in his heart of hearts, that my family acts the way we do because we’re weird.