Parenting help: my in-laws and extended family are trolls.

[Mrs.Cake]

Oh dear god, I grew up in this family. Sure, I took the teasing on the chin when I was a kid and had no choice, and when I got the chance I ran far away and never moved back. For years I would visit a couple times a year and spend the week before and the week after physically ill over the stress it created. In my '30’s I said fuck that and now live 1500 miles away and only communicate with one sister who feels the same way I do but was guilted into staying and always helping out the others. I was in my 40’s before I finally got over the damage most of the mind games and “teasing” wounds that they worked into my childhood brain.

My advice is take your child and move a few states away. Be prepared to spend a lot of time repairing damage done when she goes to visit “daddy’s family”. And never, ever join in on this kind of shit. I’ve seen the damage and misery passed on to my sibs and their kids who didn’t leave the nest far enough behind. I am so sorry for the kids who have to pretend not to be hurt by all this, and the kids they will have one day who will have it visited upon them. They will be hurt, angry people who take their frustrations out on everyone around them. And no, saysing “ha-ha, what’s wrong, can’t take a joke” is just passive agressive bullshit, trying to avoid the consequences of their actions.

So, that’s my advice based on my own experience. I’m sure it isn’t exactly the same situation as yours but so much of what you described was like you saw my family all together in action; frankly, it deeply creeped me out. Good luck to you, whatever you decide to do.

[Aspidistra]

@Troppus

This is how I feel: Honey, your family members are obnoxious bullies and the teasing makes me feel like I’m sitting in an elementary school cafeteria and I hate exposing the baby to constant negative racket. Holy shit it’s loud and tiring at your mother’s. How can we have a peaceful visit?

What I can’t figure out is how to phrase it without sounding like a shrill overprotective hypersensitive mother, which is (I’m certain) how they view me.

Apart from the “obnoxious bullies” bit, I would totally go with that statement. Yes, elementary school cafeteria and all. This is a pretty direct family, right? Not one in which people tend to spend large amounts of time obsessing over how not to hurt other people’s feelings? So my thought would be, if you spend huge amounts of time crafting a carefully-worded statement of your feelings, all full of “I” statements, maybe taking thought to bring it out at just the right time…well, it’s awfully middle class if you see what I mean. It’s probably more confronting for them than a quick off the cuff “FFS knock it off with the baby teasing”

(but I like MandaJo’s suggestion too :))

[fubbleskag]

it’s sad to hear about the lack of support from your husband on this.

that said, it doesn’t sound like there’s a way out of this situation, so perhaps the best approach is the opposite: the next time someone in the family starts to pick at you, come back with something hilariously over-the-top - “fuck you, clown!” or some type of parody of their own behaviour.

[MsWhatsit]

I grew up in a big extended family that loves to tease and rib each other, and this part of the OP sounded really off to me:

@Troppus

The person being teased often scowls or stomps off to pout, and family members under 20 seem particularly perturbed by the ribbing.

This does not happen in my family. The teasing is genuinely good-natured and everybody is always laughing, including the teasee. There is no stomping off or bad feelings or being perturbed. To me, that is what changes this from “aw, we’re just having fun here” to “toxic bad situation.”

Anyway, there are a lot of issues at hand here – the fact that their family dynamic doesn’t work for you, the lack of support from your husband, etc. – but I think the most important one is that your child is your responsibility and it is your job to protect her and keep her safe. If you are uncomfortable handing her over to people who treat her (and you) badly, don’t do it. So they think you’re a jackass. Who cares? Your job is looking out for your child. My dad used to pick on me when I was a kid, often to the point of tears. I sometimes visit him with his grandkids in tow. On two occasions he’s started picking on my oldest child the same way he used to pick on me, and both times we packed up and left immediately. I’ve also left relatives’ homes when they refused to turn off a television that was showing inappropriate material for my kids. (The Bill O’Reilly show, if you must know. )

@Troppus

When the baby complains, another family member will snatch the child away and say “Are you pinching the baby? That baby doesn’t like you. Does Aunt D smell funny? You are too ugly to hold a baby. Your face is scaring the baby. Stop hurting that child. Baby wants you to shut up. Did that monster scare you?” and so on.

When the baby complains, you take the baby back, instantly. “Oh dear, Baby seems upset. I’ll just take her back now.” If you are then attacked with, “What have you done to make that child cry?” smile coldly and say, “Nothing. I am her mother. And I don’t like that sort of joking.” They may think you are a jerk but who the hell cares? They are toxic and this situation is extremely destructive to you right now.

@CrazyCatLady

In other words, your thoughts are every bit as aggressive and unpleasant as theirs, and you have only the thin rim of “at least I don’t say it” to stand on when you judge them. That’s not much of a moral high ground, ya know?

Not actually saying it is a huge moral high ground, actually. All of us sometimes have unpleasant thoughts about our fellow human beings. Not all of us choose to act on those thoughts.

[kayaker]

They sound like a troupe of carnies. Maybe you’d fit in if you tried guessing each person’s weight?

[Troppus]

Thanks all, for the good advice, much appreciated. Hard to respond to each post this morning with a fat hungry baby in my lap, so I just grabbed a few quotes.

@MandaJo

One thing you can do is that instead of being serious and silent, be Pollyanna. When A cuts B down, swoop in and be all like “Oh no, Lucy loves her Grandma, don’t you, Lucy? Grandma wouldn’t pinch Lucy. Grandma loves Lucy, too! And she’s so good with babies. I’m always amazed.” People are mean little shits to each other because they don’t know what else to say. Being genuinely nice really disarms them.

The other thing you can do is wait. It may not be quite as bad as you think/you may be better able to handle it in six months. I am saying this as the mother of a ten-month old–you aren’t rational right now. Your sense of perspective is really skewed and you don’t have the emotional reserves to handle stuff. I am not trying to minimize your emotional reaction or justify them being jerks, but I do think it’s worth waiting until you are getting 8 hours (or even six hours) of sleep a night before you take this on. Don’t borrow trouble.

Manda JO, this is my favorite idea, and this response most suits my personality. I will definitely employ this next time. And yes, I figure that all the new hormones tearing around are influencing my reactions, which is why I’ve kept my mouth shut thus far.

@Simple_Linctus

I’m going to go against the grain here and say that it’s just how they are. “Teasing” is not a bad thing if everyone’s with it, it’s just a form of humour and social lubrication. I don’t get what harm you think they’re doing?

PLEASE don’t make this into a big deal just because of the {{hug}}y posters here who want to validate all your feelings. Sure, you have those feelings. And yeah, ideally you’d all be getting on with one another.

But please work towards getting on with one another rather than judging a family for frankly just working in a way you’re not used to. I’m not getting at you and I can understand where you are coming from but I can also understand what these so-called teasers are doing. I promise by the way there are lots of lurkers who think just like me who aren’t going to just come and say this because of sensitivity, but I think I owe it to you no matter how insensitive it makes me look.

Simple Linctus, I’m an adult, and my feelings are being hurt. I find the behavior tedious and annoying. And I don’t want to send baby to kindergarten with the impression that you make friends by cutting down your classmates, picking at them mercilessly, and insulting everyone around you for a cheap laugh. Of course I want her to have a thick skin, but this is trial by fire, not simple pigtail pulling. These people delight in pushing buttons, and while it may work fine for them, it isn’t universally fun. (As evidenced by other replies in this thread.)

@fubbleskag

… so perhaps the best approach is the opposite: the next time someone in the family starts to pick at you, come back with something hilariously over-the-top - “fuck you, clown!” or some type of parody of their own behaviour.

@kayaker

They sound like a troupe of carnies. Maybe you’d fit in if you tried guessing each person’s weight?

Will be hard not to giggle to myself next Sunday visit. When I’m stressed my internal dialogue is a fantasy sequence; I need you two to narrate for me.

I agree with Manda JO, the Pollyanna approach may be the best route for me, so long as I don’t beat them to death with it. And yeah, they’ll probably find fault with me, but I’m already the outsider so one more quirk won’t rock the boat. Thanks again for all the good advice as well as the wake-up calls, (we could all stand to be reminded to get over yourself from time to time), but my plan is to try to kill them with kindness.

[Nava]

Well, staying silent sure isn’t the best way to communicate anything.

Another suggestion about what to try is, explain in your best Pollyanna voice and before anybody has gotten hands on the baby, that you think it may be best if she spends several minutes with each person before being passed to someone else, and if she’s passed to rather than grabbed from. The teasing isn’t a problem for a baby the age of yours, but the being grabbed is.

Also, is there anything special about the way your baby likes being held? My nephew (The Future Electrician) needed his legs free and liked looking at bright things; his sister (The Little Marshal) needed her arms free and liked looking at people.

[Troppus]

Darn it I need to remember to proofread. Simple Linctus, I mean to say my feelings are* not *being hurt. They can insult me all day, rolls right off. But the atmosphere is stressful and hostile, and I don’t want baby learning to be a jerk from this huge clan.

[elbows]

What’s wrong with just taking the lead, being open and honest with his family, when they do this?

When they are hard at it, pipe up, “I know y’all are used to this kind of interaction, and kind of enjoy it. But I have to be honest, it’s not what I was raised with and I often find it to be meanspirited and somewhat cruel, even if it’s not ‘intended’ that way. I just want you to know that it makes me really uncomfortable. So much so that I am considering curtailing the time myself and my child spend around y’all, though it would make me very sad to do so. Please, can y’all just save it, for when you’re not in the company of thinner skinned types like me? Please?”

Now you could find yourself roundly abused as being ‘oversensitive’, or, ‘thin skinned’, or ‘not being able to take it!’, etc. That’s okay, I wouldn’t expect anything different from this lot. Do Not Defend Yourself! No matter what they ask or say. Let them have at it. When they are done;

“Again, I am uncomfortable exposing myself and my child to what I see as a steady diet of overt derision and mean spirited cruelty, though clearly it is fine for y’all, as you’re used to it. I was hoping you could find it in your hearts to understand where I’m coming from. Clearly I was wrong, I don’t want to interrupt your event any further, I think it would be best if I just left. No hard feelings, it takes all kinds to make a world. Maybe we can visit at my place some time. Gotta run, it’s been great, have a good day!” Take your child and get out. (Yes, you ought to have a talk to hubby before hand. How have you not already talked about this?)

It is important that, when they are at your home, you willingly speak up with, “Hey! Yeah, we don’t do that here, save it for your house, okay?”

If you do these things, and stick to your guns, you may be able to get them to curtail this activity in your presence, which would be wonderful for your child, of course.

But the real question is; How do you think this man is going to interact with his children? Some overt meanness and cruelty in the name of, ‘good natured’ teasing, seems a given to me. You should seriously be having a heart to heart with hubby about this issue. Don’t hesitate to point out the tension it seems to create in his own family, for all their protests that it’s just good natured fun.

Good Luck!

[Alessan]

There’s a sentence every married person has to learn. It can’t be used frivolously, and it can’t be used to often, but when used it brooks no argument. It goes like this:

*“Honey, this is very important to me. I’m not asking you to agree, I’m not asking you to understand, I’m just asking you to do what I say. All right?”
*
Try it on your husband.

[Troppus]

@elbows

It is important that, when they are at your home, you willingly speak up with, “Hey! Yeah, we don’t do that here, save it for your house, okay?”

Good Luck!

The long, honest explanation would fall on deaf ears and piss off the matriarch who feels she can do no wrong for all eternity. But this short phrase could work, and would be much easier for me to say in my own home. Thanks!

[elbows]

Glad to help!

You may want to think about the first though. You might not need it now, but if you already feel this way, and have a lifetime with these people, I’m thinking you might one day!

And this;

would fall on deaf ears and piss off the matriarch who feels she can do no wrong for all eternity.

None of this, should have the least bearing whatsoever, on your need/ability to be open and honest, about their behavior being uncomfortable/unacceptable as a steady diet for you/your child. I"m just pointing that out, it’s only my opinion.

I do wish you nothing but Good Luck, I would find such an environment unbearable and unhinging, in time, and definitely admire your ability to be circumspect about it all, even if it rubs you the wrong way.

[Omar_Little]

@Troppus

Darn it I need to remember to proofread. Simple Linctus, I mean to say my feelings are* not *being hurt. They can insult me all day, rolls right off. But the atmosphere is stressful and hostile, and I don’t want baby learning to be a jerk from this huge clan.

Sounds like your biggest concern is the impact on your child, not neccessarily your personal reaction to their behavior. I think that’s a good way to look at it.

I laugh at all of the recommendations of you leaving your husband and moving far far away. Typical SDMB reactions.

Family dynamics can be difficult, especially those of your in-laws. While you don’t get their behavior and it’s not an apparent fit for your own type of personality, you did indicate that there is love there…which is a good thing.

It’s important for you to remember that your child’s behavior will be most driven by watching the relationship between you and your husband. The once a week visits to grandma’s house will be viewed in contrast with what they see every other day of the week. As your child grows expect there to be questions and comments about how daddy’s family behaves, and how that’s different from life in mommy and daddy’s house. I think you have very little to worry about your child becoming a teaser in first grade, just because of what they see once a week.

[Bass_Chick]

For your own sanity, find somewhere else to be when it’s time for at least some of these visit’s to Grandma’s house. Do you have a friend that you could meet for coffee?

[Simple_Linctus]

@Omar_Little

Sounds like your biggest concern is the impact on your child, not neccessarily your personal reaction to their behavior. I think that’s a good way to look at it.

I laugh at all of the recommendations of you leaving your husband and moving far far away. Typical SDMB reactions.

Family dynamics can be difficult, especially those of your in-laws. While you don’t get their behavior and it’s not an apparent fit for your own type of personality, you did indicate that there is love there…which is a good thing.

It’s important for you to remember that your child’s behavior will be most driven by watching the relationship between you and your husband. The once a week visits to grandma’s house will be viewed in contrast with what they see every other day of the week. As your child grows expect there to be questions and comments about how daddy’s family behaves, and how that’s different from life in mommy and daddy’s house. I think you have very little to worry about your child becoming a teaser in first grade, just because of what they see once a week.

If anything, if the atmosphere is genuinely hostile, then you can use it as a learning opportunity when mini Troppus is a bit bigger.

A baby won’t be affected by words.

[Troppus]

Thanks all, for your input, you really helped a lot. I needed to be reminded that I’m not helpless. I will report back after next visit, and let you know what happens when I offer sweetness and light to the wolf pack.

[JackieLikesVariety]

@Troppus

Thanks all, for your input, you really helped a lot. I needed to be reminded that I’m not helpless. I will report back after next visit, and let you know what happens when I offer sweetness and light to the wolf pack.

I’ll be interested to hear - sounds like you’ve got a good plan.

[EmilyG]

@Troppus

Thanks all, for your input, you really helped a lot. I needed to be reminded that I’m not helpless. I will report back after next visit, and let you know what happens when I offer sweetness and light to the wolf pack.

Best of luck for your next visit.

[even_sven]

I come from a teasing family. My family is generous and good natured, but otherwise we are pretty…dark. I remember inviting my friends over for my birthday once, only to have them look on in horror as we sang the family happy birthday song which includes lines like “misery is in the air, people dying everywhere.” I had forgotten that it might seem unusual! As a child, I received a huge trophy declaring me the winner of the “Big Dummy Award.” My uncle once drove to KMart on Christmas day just to buy the Christmas host the biggest, most obnoxious animatronic Santa ever. Teasing, practical jokes, dark humor…it’s all there.

I could easily see a new family member freaking the heck out walking in to that. But in reality, it’s our own system for showing our affection, recognizing each other as one of the tribe, etc. Granted, we are not as mean spirited as the OP paints her family, but who knows…maybe we do look like that objectively. Families are weird, and they develop weird dynamics that can’t really be made sense of out of context.

[dada2fish]

You said yourself your inlaws family are all quick tempered and your husband has a mean streak. This family sounds toxic. Yes, everyone teases every now and then, but they sound horrible. I wouldn’t want my child getting teased by them either.
My brother has a sometimes cruel sarcastic side that I forbid him to use on my son. He was fine with it and tones it down. It is your job to prevent them teasing your child when she is older. You have to put your foot down with this now.
You might want to invite your husbands family to your place in smaller groups, so it’s not always this big overwhelming group.
Also, you want to engage the empathetic side of your child, so realize this will be your and your families job. Your child won’t learn it from the inlaws side.
I’m shocked at the people here who think this is no big deal. Yes, teasing is normal in families, but if what the OP says is true, this family is a train wreck.
I’ll bet since they’ve been doing this their whole lives and most people role with it, if you put a stop to them involving your child in the teasing, at least some of them (at least deep down) may see that they really are kinda mean people.