Well, I applied the good advice I got here to mixed results. The Family is on to me. Each time I answered an insult with some positive affirmation, they traded looks. At first I was concerned, and braced myself for attack, but they just continued the nonsense and I saw Aunt D roll her eyes at Grandmother, who shrugged. But as I was leaving the visit, Grandmother cooed goodbye to “little sweet baby, sweet little baby.” Which is so much better than “mean little stinker” from last visit. And that was a small victory, because this is an even tempered, smiling kid who rarely complains and almost never cries.
They apparently think I’m simple because I was positive and nice in the midst of their friendly fire routine, but that’s cool. I plan to keep this up, which could mean they will lose all respect for the mom who won’t spar with them, but I felt better after that visit.
Well done! You know it was a surprise to me to learn that other families found what was normal in my family quite unacceptable. It wasn’t slushy or worthy of vomit gesticulations to be nice and kind. It seems you’re getting through.
Again, please remember they’re just as frightened of you as you are of them. When you’re seeing the rolling eyes, deep down it’s cause they don’t want to upset you but they just don’t get things.
Teasing is normal in my family, too, but the Smiths go a step beyond. They frequently refer to “that Smith temper” and I swear that meme is a self fulfilling prohecy because it serves to excuse tantrums and outbursts. They have perfected the art of the storm out, and won’t let up until the target is angry enough to leave the room. It’s tense, it’s ugly, and god it’s tiresome. I have an agenda beyond learning to cope with their habit; I don’t want my child to inherit “that Smith temper”.
Sounds to me like she’s not the only one being bullied.
Somebody suggested finding something else to do on Saturday, with your daughter. I recommend finding another social group, another family, friends, neighbors, whatever, who you think are a GOOD example of the kind of friends you’d like to have, spend time with them, and take your husband along so he has a clearer idea of what you’re looking for.
Thanks, SL They probably find me humorless, but I do laugh at anything that doesn’t hurt someones feelings. They don’t say much that isn’t designed to embarrass or tick off another family member, but they can be funny in a Comedy Central Roast sort of way.
I do have other friends and my own family is near. But her dad’s family will be a part of her life whether I like it or not, so I want to be there to serve as a buffer until or unless things improve.
I posted my previous comment before reading clear to the end of the thread; I’m glad you were able to keep the ruckus down to a more reasonable level.
However things proceed on this particular issue, I would like to agree with all the people who pointed out that your unwillingness to discuss this with your husband because you knew he would never see things your way is a big freaking issue that you will need to keep track of.
Yep, I’m aware of this. I’m also aware that I’m the new girl from a different socioeconomic group in a very large, very tight family who loves to make fun of and put down the odd man out. The last thing I want to do is transfer the target on my back to my daughter’s.
Your husband should have your back, or else he’s being a bad husband. I’ve got equally bad problems with my in-laws and have had to defend my wife who’s truly never earned their scorn to the best of my knowledge, because she won’t fight back and hates conflict. I generally relish it.
Sounds to me like you should make family visits as infrequent as possible, and as the kid grows up, make sure they understand exactly who’s side of the family they come from.
I’m not disagreeing. And in any other context, I’m not afraid of conflict at all. But this family has been operating this way 47 years, and I’ve been here for one year. Can’t just storm in a successful (to them) business and demand they change everything. And I’ve been around enough to hear them butcher absent spouses and girlfriends. The last thing I want to do is turn her against me, because she has the undying allegiance of her kids, including my baby’s father.
The matriarch is determined that she holds the position of Best Mother because she raised four kids after an ugly divorce. (Yes, he ran off because she is demanding, mean, and unpredictable.) Because she repeats “I raised them all by myself” at every opportunity the kids believe it. (She didn’t. Dad left when the youngest was 10, and she moved in with her parents, who helped raise the kids.) She doesn’t like competition, and seems threatened by the amount of patience I have with my little one and the various rowdy nieces and nephews. I’m not going to test her, or baby’s dad’s loyalty to his beloved mom.
So, I did see your update and I’m glad things are improving somewhat; however, I just read this post above - what I did in a very similar situation - ie - bad choice in spouse, obnoxious, bullying in-laws, was get a divorce.
So, now I’m a single mother to a 2 year old but I’m about 1,000 times happier and my son is much less jumpy. Sadly, if your in-laws are anything like my former in-laws, Baby won’t be that older before they start thinking teasing her is the height of humour.
How disturbing. This behavior isn’t unique? There is no chance I will allow any of them, including her dad, to pick on her. There are better ways for her to learn how to handle teasing and jokes at her expense than through pushing her to tears or fury. I’m glad to hear your success story, may find myself in the same place.
And I’m with you - I’m not exactly a shrinking violet so if someone wants to have a go at me, fine, but I’ll be damned if I’m going to let anyone tease and torment my kid till he cries. He’s two fer christ’s sake - you have plenty of time to exert your dominance when he turns three. :rolleyes:
A few posters in this thread have stated this is normal fun for their family. I would really like to hear why anyone gets a kick out of teasing a kid till it cries, or a family member until they are hurt, embarrassed, or angry. This family teases one 20 year old nephew who has a s tomach malady which forces him to tie up the bathroom, and they trot out toilet anecdotes at every opportunity. Not because anyone laughs, but because he blushes and stomps off humiliated in front of his girlfriend. I have to wonder if the stress over the inevitable teasing contributes to his illness.
You sound like a reasonable person who wants to do the best for your baby. I can totally relate to your situation and IMO you have 2 options: Stay quiet/Polyannaish (no point in trying to change this family dynamic–won’t work) or you can get divorced. However, if you get divorced, your child will spend half of her time with dad’s family WITHOUT your influence. It’s a tough situation and since you are the only one who knows all the details, you should go with your conscience.
But my take is that you should allow them to do their middle school thing, then discuss with your daughter privately that while you love dad’s family, you think their behavior is hurtful. I know your child is an infant now, but soon she’ll be a kid who can reason, observe, and make choices & judgements. I don’t necessarily think it is horrible for kids to observe obnoxious behavior…so long as there is a reasonable person nearby (in this case mom) who can advise her that even tho someone is an adult, that does not necessarily mean that their behavior is ok. Use it as a learning experience, as she will certainly encounter lots of people like this over the course of her life.
And before attending your husband’s family gatherings, you might want to premedicate with vodka, and/ or vicoden.
Ignore anyone telling you to get divorced, please.
Assuming there are no major negative faults to your husband other than this one, then you are far better talking to one another about things. But also I have to say that he probably (with me reading between the lines) doesn’t get how serious this is for you.
Totally seriously - please print out this entire thread and let him read it, making it clear that you’re you. Include all your negative comments about him.
If he’s the decent guy I expect he is, and I suspect from what I can tell about you from your web persona that you have the sense to only pick someone who is a decent guy, then he will be mortified - and also stunned. He doesn’t understand how much he is hurting you, trust me.
By which I mean, make it clear that you are Troppus
By which I mean - you have not said anything at all that means your marriage cannot be a happy, nay, fantastic one! That is why it is so important that he understands immediately how you’re feeling about things and especially the bleddy severity of those feelings. Depending upon his familiarity with message boards he may be slightly concerned about you airing this with us strangers - in which case, I have this to say to him:
Mr. Troppus, you can discuss that some other time! Listen to your wife please, this is so easy to sort out and you knew the integrity of the woman you married - I understand where you are coming from as well but you’re in this for the long haul and I also guarantee that over time Troppus will get on better with your family. But there’s loads of time for that too - you now understand how important this is, and what you need to do.
EnolaGay, I can do that. Though I was raised by dedicated, interested parents, they somehow neglected to tell me that everyone older than me isn’t necessarily smarter than me. I was nearly out of high school before I realized this fully, and I plan to make sure my daughter respects everyone, but chooses her role models carefully. There was a thread here a couple weeks ago in which a kid corrected his grandmother, and I can see my girl standing up for herself or defending another family member. I will be sure to emphasize the family member’s good points, too, but she will be aware that meaness isn’t acceptable.
Thank you for taking the time, SimpleLinctus. I don’t think I want to share my message board support group with him;I need the outlet far more than he needs to hear every thought I hash out here. But I could let him know I’ve been discussing this with friends, some of whom agree, and some of whom feel I should lighten up. He hasn’t witnessed my new attitude with them yet, but he will see it in action tomorrow evening. If he has any comments, the floodgates will open.
About the divorce comments, I understand where they are coming from. Some of the things I’ve described are deal breakers for others, and I’ve definitely considered divorce for this and other reasons, But I’m more interested in finding a happy medium, because as someone said, he and his will be in her life regardless. I need a solution either way.
