I’m certainly not suggesting that you get a divorce, although I can see why my post may have come accross that way - it was the correct thing for me to do, but that doesn’t mean it’s the right choice for you.
Not at all, alice. I appreciate what you shared, and I’m relieved that you are free of the nonsense. I wouldn’t have asked for input if I were afraid of hearing alternatives and hard truths.
If you were to ask my Dad I’m sure he’d say that the kick he got from “teasing” his children to tears was secondary to the helpful lessons he was teaching about taking a joke. That he was only laughing at our silly response to some loving teasing but not at us, or gloating at his triumph over successfully pushing our buttons. And he’d be lying to you and himself.
My siblings and I endured this sort of behaviour throughout our childhoods while Mom stood by wringing her hands and assuring us that he didn’t mean any harm, that it was our fault for not pretending to find him funny so he’d get bored and stop. Well, I was harmed by the stomachaches I’d get from repressing my emotions to hide any weaknesses he might exploit. My relationship with my siblings were harmed because siding with Dad against each other gave us temporary protection from him. My relationship with my Mom was harmed because I resented her for not standing up for herself or her children. The “weaklings” I bullied in grade school were harmed until I learned that bullying someone while wearing a smile is still bullying.
Or, at least I thought I had learned that lesson. My ability to differentiate friendly teasing from emotional abuse was harmed and I stayed too long in relationships with guys who’d say “just kidding!” when they finally teased the tears out of me. My threshold for enduring emotional abuse was epic, and still is.
Your husband must be made to understand that you are his new family, not the one he grew up with, and that you won’t wring your hands while he silently watches his family antagonize you or your child in the name of humour. When you wrote “he would likely tease me about it…in front of them. I’ve no doubt they would gang up on me”, I cringed. Divorce isn’t the first line of defense but if talking to him about having your back instead of putting a knife into it doesn’t work, please consider marriage counselling.
I wish you well and on behalf of the child that you’re protecting, thank you.
Just get thee to a therapist. You could be “oversensitive”, your husband and his family could be a pack of bullies, or there’s something else going on entirely. You need a neutral third party who’s more than just words on a screen to help you through this. And do it ASAP - the longer you wait the harder it will be.
I’m glad to hear the Pollyanna routine seemed to work well. 
Good luck!
Pot Luck, your post has me in tears. I’m so sorry you endured that, and sad that it followed you into your adult life. I promise you I will never stand by and allow it to happen to my daughter, and I won’t let her witness her father disrespect me. Because she is only four months old, there aren’t many opportunities to bring this up and lay down the law yet. Unfortunately I may have to wait until the first time one of them actually picks on her or crowns her with “that Smith temper” before I can set boundaries, but I’m more than vigilant.
As to marriage counseling, I’ve suggested it, he’s laughed at the idea. His nickname is Smiley, has literally hundreds of friends, and everyone seems to love him. He’s charming to a disturbing degree, is never wrong, has the uncanny ability to persuade people…have I given away enough clues here? Some personality traits aren’t fixable. He’s had 42 years of positive feedback, and will never be made to believe he’s less than perfect. I can’t undo who he is. All I can do is make it clear that I won’t tolerate anything more than mild teasing.
I’m certain he feels we rushed into marriage, too, and each of us has done everything possible to maintain the life we had before we created this child. Neither of us is properly invested in the marriage, but we’re both crazy over this child. Which means that even if we divorce, custody will be shared, and I won’t be around to protect her if he and the Smiths have her on weekends.
Sounds dismal, but I’m doing okay, and no one is being neglected or abused at this point. He and I are just very different people with very different ideas about fun.
At any rate, I really appreciate what you shared. I don’t know if it was cathartic or if it made you sick to rehash it, it made me sick to read it. I wish I could go back in time and set your father straight. I would offer to hug you, but I imagine you’re far too tough for hugs. Maybe you’d accept a high five for successfully shedding years of torment and learned behavior. I’m proud of you for recognizing it wasn’t your fault. Your mom should have intervened; little kids aren’t equipped with the power to stop adults from causing harm.
I will never allow my daughter to cry or endure stomachaches over such things. I will teach her to stay stop it and remove herself from torment, and I’ll back her up. I will find some way to show her that teasing can be affectionate and fun, but I will make sure she understands that deliberately pushing buttons breeds nothing but resentment.
Wish I could. Please wade through previous post for the why. I’m hypersensitive to bullying, but I can take an extraordinary amount thanks to a strong willed and spoiled older sister. I suffer when others are picked on, but practically immune when it’s aimed at me. I will happily be the target to take the heat off someone else, but it occurs to me there is no lesson for my child in that. If she proves tolerant of the Smith family gauntlet, great. But if she struggles, I want her to feel confident she can put a stop to it or escape, and I never want to catch her picking on others.
Potluck, I could’ve written your post practically word for word. I’ll be 50 years old in a couple of years and I’m still dealing with affects of my dads “teasing.” It really does a number on your self confidence. Hugs to Pot Luck & Troppus.
Ha ha - yes. I remember having to explain to my kid that not all bigger people are grown-ups.
Thank you, Troppus (and MissSwitac).
Everything you’ve written here gives me confidence that your child has you firmly in their corner but while my post was cathartic, I wrote it mainly to illustrate what you’re trying to avoid for your child and why your strength is so laudable. You’ll be told more than once with varying degrees of exasperation and hostility that you are making a big deal out of nothing, that you should see a therapist, that you have no sense of humour. MissSwitac and I are living examples of how wrong those excuses can be.
And as I like to point out to adult bullies to this day, so what if the person being teased is hyper/oversensitive? If you continue to antagonize them for your own amusement, what does that make you?
My childhood wasn’t an unrelenting swirl of despair. I have many memories of good times that still bring a smile to my face. The “teasing” is the drop of lemon juice that curdles the cream sauce, if you know what I mean.
PotLuck, I had a similar experience with my own father. He would intentionally make me angry and then laugh and say, “I’m just trying to get you going!” It wasn’t funny to me, and it is part of why we don’t have a good relationship now.
My Father’s family is like this. The only thing I tease back about is the level of the teasing, and never directed at one person. So, when it gets too much and someone’s feelings are starting to get hurt I’ll say “Oh Lord, y’all are mean as snakes!! the whole lot of you!” (Using an over-emphasized Southern drawl that they find hilarious.)
They actually seem to appreciate having someone around to slow the progression now and then. Of course, you can’t over-do it, but when the baby starts to protest you can say “Dial it down a bit y’all! She’s too little to know that you’re joking!” or just stroke the baby’s head (but don’t take her away) and say “Mama’s here baby, and the mean old man is being vicious to your Auntie, not to you.” Again, in an exagerrated, clearly joking kind of voice.
I’ll also use horror movie terms to narrate the proceedings “Ooh, he ripped her guts out good, but she’s coming around the back with a chain saw, just you wait.”
Keep in mind that the teasing will then get aimed at you.
They’ll say something like “Careful y’all, Tru can’t take it you know!” and I’ll say “Can’t take the verbal slaughter? why no, I reckon you’ve got me there!”
On only one occasion, when somebody took it way too far with me in front of my child, I looked at him very coldly and said “It may surprise you to know that I do, in fact possess a temper; and my patience does have an end.”
I’ve never had to do it again.
All this requires extreme calm and confidence. You have to be looking across at them, not down at them. But it’s OK to smile sympathetically when they say “This is just how we are” and say something like “How awful, you poor dear!.”
Maybe watch some Downton Abbey and practice the Cousin Violet lines in the mirror?
PotLuck, I’m glad to hear. And TruCelt, those are great ideas. I will quote you at first opportunity.
I really want to thank all of you again for the great advice, I was ready to tear into the whole family and that would have been the biggest mistake I could make. It has been a tough year, and I really lacked the perspective I needed to handle this maturely. I almost responded to their tactless games in kind because I had convinced myself it is the only language they understand and respect. (And probably because it would have given me some small satisfaction to give them a taste of their own medicine, but I’m ashamed of that impulse; I never want to be so petty.) Dreading the family visits and worrying over her future has been eating me up, but now I have some tools to make things go more smoothly.
Thanks to each of you for taking the time to share and help me with this. You guys are awesome.
I’m sorry - I wasn’t clear. :smack: You need to get to a therapist, alone. It really doesn’t matter if your husband will go with you or not, you need to talk to a professional about how to best shield your child from toxicity while helping her build resilience. The therapist will also help you see your marriage more objectively and determine what actions are healthiest for you as well as your daughter. 
That is probably going to be necessary for other reasons related to the marriage, but I feel strongly that I got some great advice to work with here. I wish I had asked for help a year ago when I first realized what I’d gotten myself into.
The very best thing you can teach your child is to speak up, be honest, be open an sincere.
When she sees you do so, she learns so. That will protect her from much more than nasty repartee.
One of the most useful tools I found, at an extremely challenging time in my relationship, was the phrase; “I know what you’re really trying to say is…'That was an awesome dinner, and lots of work, great job!” When the hubby would waltz into the room asking…‘Got any more pie?’, at 11pm in the evening, 8 members of his family having long gone, I’ve just finished hand washing all the fancy dishes, etc, etc.
Once you get the hang of it, it’s kind of lots of fun. You get to use the same creative muscles it tastes to fashion nasty insults, only with whimsy and fun instead.
Oh hell no. Both my Grandfather from Hell and my sister-in-law’s brother thought/think that “making fun” of a little kid in a mean way is the height of fun. At least the Gramps from Hell, may he have fun selling space heaters to the Devil, wasn’t physical about it, but SiL-Bro thinks the best thing one can do with a little kid is grab it and poke/tickle/squeeze until the kid is crying; his mother taught the Niece to hit the Nephew (who’s older and knew he wasn’t supposed to hit people, much less a months-old baby), now she wonders why said Niece thinks it’s ok to hit her (that grandma).
The Catalan word meaning “meanie” is abusananos: lit, one who is abusive to little children.
One thought I haven’t seen come up in this thread yet: Rather than going over to their house and dealing with the full wolf pack, can you divide and conquer? The family dynamic is fucked up, but when taken individually or in pairs people might show better behavior. If you can have a couple people at a time at your house, or better yet somewhere public like a restaurant, it may help keep a lid on the “teasing”. Or if you can bring in other friends as well, it may force them to put on the “nice” public face.
A blogger that I respect very much wrote about a similar family situation here: my-family-likes-to-play-a-game-where-they-competitively-insult-me-until-i-cry-is-this-a-legitimate-problem It’s not exactly like what you’re facing, since it seems to be more focused, but you might find some of the advice in the comments to be helpful.
Good luck. There’s no reason your daughter needs to have a lot of contact with these people just because they’re family. If I were in your shoes I’d have a lot of headaches on the designated visiting days.
That’s a good idea. Easier for teasers to take a bit of their own medicine than to say “Wow, you have extraordinarily bad manners, you must have been raised by wolves.”
That’s just dismal, Nava. The bogeyman should be fictional, not a blood relative.
It never occurred to me to invite a few of them over rather than steep in the Smith family juices every couple week-ends. It’s kind of counterintuitive, inviting the people who scare me and make me uncomfortable into my own home, but you are right. The dynamics change when the group is changed. I may have a “Stop by and watch the baby play in the leaves” afternoon this week-end. Maybe they won’t be so mean in my environment.
I am still astounded that this is somewhat common. I guess this is why sitcoms wear out the Holiday Heck with Family trope. If we can’t treat those we are closest to with kindness and respect, how will we tell loved ones from enemies? I want my kid to be able to seek comfort and counsel from another family member if she encounters a dilemma she can’t talk over with me. I want her to have a tribe of people she can trust and love. I’m going to try hard to make that happen. Thanks, all <3
Because it bears repeating:
That’s a great approach, but I’ll just name some pitfalls I foresee so you can watch for them. Totally just guesstimates based upon my experience with toxic groups, so please freely toss whatever may not apply.
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The Matriarch is holding court, by missing that or inviting one or two, you may be seen to be competing with her socially. Be certain to invite her the first time, and maybe every time.
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The competition will then become “I’ve been invited to Troppus house, and you haven’t.” Then splinter groups will form depending upon who has and hasn’t been invited yet. This will open you up to gossip and character assasination.
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Those who have been invited may then feel free to drop by regularly.
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You may find that having a clear delineator between environments helps a young child feel safe when bad behavior has been experienced. This will probably matter more a year from now.
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If your husband doesn’t support you there, he may not in your own home either. My personal deal-breaker on this decision would be whether he will agree to support you entirely when in your own home. i.e. if you say :
he must not contradict you or giggle, or pshaw, or in any way negate your authority in your own home. If he won’t agree to that, I wouldn’t do it.
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Serve different food than they normally eat. I find a great way to get people on their best behavior is to invite them for tea, and serve delicate pastries. It just seems to set a tone for civility.
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They may try to make friends with you by talking down a missing party. Do. not. fall. for. this. Any time you say anything even remotely less than an active compliment to any of these folks, about any of the other folks, it is certain to be embellished and repeated until a fission reaction is achieved. Never, never say anything to any of them them that you do not want repeated. There will never be a time when it is safe to do so.
You should probably prepare by reading up on the work of Dian Fossey and Jane Goodall. (only half joking. 
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