In which I pit my step-daughter: just admit you did it (long, rambling)

[XJETGIRLX]

Originally posted by Mr. Blue Sky

She won’t listen whenever I try to help because she knows everything .
[/quote]

It sounds like she gets it honestly ::g::

Seriously though, I wouldn’t be so harsh about it. Gator is quite an incredibly nefarious and underhanded app, and has been known to show up even without a download dialogue prompt. But even if she did download it, accidentally or otherwise, it’s not a big enough deal to completely ban her from using your computer. I mean, for chrissake, she’s in college. You would put her studies at a disadvantage because of something so freaking insignificant?

As for the computer she’s got with AOL which you claim she must be lying about not being able to access sites with - every single machine I’ve ever run AOL on has the same problem, eventually.

It sounds to me like you’re an incredible control freak, and you’re stressing out over something that is about as significant as tracking dirt into the house on a nice clean floor. Not worth inhibiting your daughter’s studies, and definitely not worth accusing her of lying about. I’m glad my parents understood the difference between willfull disobedience and the need to learn how to do things on my own and make my own mistakes. You sound like an incredibly anal retentive freak. Just wipe the offending spyware off your precious computer and be done with it.

[Mr.Blue_Sky]

*Originally posted by XJETGIRLX *
**She won’t listen whenever I try to help because she knows everything .

It sounds like she gets it honestly ::g::

Seriously though, I wouldn’t be so harsh about it. Gator is quite an incredibly nefarious and underhanded app, and has been known to show up even without a download dialogue prompt. But even if she did download it, accidentally or otherwise, it’s not a big enough deal to completely ban her from using your computer. I mean, for chrissake, she’s in college. You would put her studies at a disadvantage because of something so freaking insignificant?

As for the computer she’s got with AOL which you claim she must be lying about not being able to access sites with - every single machine I’ve ever run AOL on has the same problem, eventually.

It sounds to me like you’re an incredible control freak, and you’re stressing out over something that is about as significant as tracking dirt into the house on a nice clean floor. Not worth inhibiting your daughter’s studies, and definitely not worth accusing her of lying about. I’m glad my parents understood the difference between willfull disobedience and the need to learn how to do things on my own and make my own mistakes. You sound like an incredibly anal retentive freak. Just wipe the offending spyware off your precious computer and be done with it. **
[/QUOTE]

Happy New Year to you, too.

Let’s start with her “studies”. Last year, she went to a local college and because of her other activities, lost her HOPE scholarship. She waits until the very last minute to any assigned work and then gets upset with her mother (a teacher) won’t help her do the project for her. She is currently taking just one class because that’s all we can afford. She would rather buy hunting equipment or video games than pay for school. Her father and grandparents have offered to help, but she won’t ask. She wants her mother to do it for her.

Now for the “incredible control freak”: I am anal, yes, but this has to do with her constantly lying to me and her mother. If you’d read the OP, you would see that most of the time she’s using my computer for her “school work”, she’s just fucking around.

As for the spyware: it has been removed, but, again if you’d read the fucking OP, it has negatively affected the browser’s ability to work properly. It’s a big pain is the ass trying to fix everything she’s fucked up. She’s done it before and won’t own up to it. She doesn’t care.

Her computer: I recently replaced the harddrive in her computer because she abuses it. Hitting a computer will not make it work. Of course, she denies this, too. I have no doubt it is now riddled with spyware and who knows what else.

As for my stepdaughter in general: she tends to be selfish. It just kills her to do something nice for anyone unless there’s a reward involved.

Next time read the ENTIRE OP before you jump down someone’s throat.

[CarnalK]

With the apparent amount of effort you put into keeping your computer “clean” I’m surprised you let anyone take off the dust shield. Just keep her banned from your comp and help upgrade hers if you feel guilty.

I definately get the impression you should let stuff go with your DIL. I don’t mean silently seeth, I mean really let it go. If the Mom and daughter are happy with the way their relationship works they ain’t changing it on your say-so.

As for the “AOL computer” biz… do they engrave AOL in stone onto the comp? Ferkrisakes just wipe it and get a new ISP.

[Mr.Blue_Sky]

*Originally posted by CarnalK *
**I definately get the impression you should let stuff go with your DIL. I don’t mean silently seeth, I mean really let it go. If the Mom and daughter are happy with the way their relationship works they ain’t changing it on your say-so.

As for the “AOL computer” biz… do they engrave AOL in stone onto the comp? Ferkrisakes just wipe it and get a new ISP. **

SHE is happy to be emotionally abusive to her mother. Her mother is not, but won’t do anything about it. Not much I can do about that. I have offered suggestions to my wife.

As for AOL, she absolutely refuses to get rid of it. I offered to her the opportunity to use my computer (I use Comcast via a cable modem) and even upgrade her computer by adding it to the service, but she doesn’t want to. The only reason she keeps AOL, is that she can talk with her friends with AOL’s IM service. I would understand this, but she rarely even uses her computer, for school or anything else. She goes to school at Georgia Southern (Armstrong Atlantic not being good enough) and she stays with her grandparents (they live halfway between here and Statesboro) for 3-4 days per week. The rest of the week, when she’s not working, she’s sleeping, watching TV, or playing video games. Not a whole lot of time for school, apparently.

I really don’t mind her using my computer, but she needs to learn SOME responsibility about using other people’s stuff. If she fucks up something, she should just admit it. Correct me if I’m wrong, but isn’t this a sign of maturity?

[XJETGIRLX]

*Originally posted by Mr. Blue Sky *
Happy New Year to you, too.

Let’s start with her “studies”. Last year, she went to a local college and because of her other activities, lost her HOPE scholarship. She waits until the very last minute to any assigned work and then gets upset with her mother (a teacher) won’t help her do the project for her. She is currently taking just one class because that’s all we can afford. She would rather buy hunting equipment or video games than pay for school. Her father and grandparents have offered to help, but she won’t ask. She wants her mother to do it for her.

I don’t see how her attitude towards her studies really matters. If you want her to succeed and take an interest in her own success I hardly see how taking away a research tool could be a great example of how much you care. She doesn’t sound particularly horrible or out of control to me. Quite the typical student, I would say.

Now for the “incredible control freak”: I am anal, yes, but this has to do with her constantly lying to me and her mother. If you’d read the OP, you would see that most of the time she’s using my computer for her “school work”, she’s just fucking around.

Well, she’s an adult, isn’t she? You can lead a horse to water and all that. Either you give her the resources to study with or not, whether she chooses to make use of them wisely is really her business.

As for the spyware: it has been removed, but, again if you’d read the fucking OP, it has negatively affected the browser’s ability to work properly. It’s a big pain is the ass trying to fix everything she’s fucked up. She’s done it before and won’t own up to it. She doesn’t care.

I did read the fucking OP and I still don’t see how this is a big problem. I would recommend getting a better browser, as IE does that occaisionally anyways. Try Mozilla or Opera. Both are great, and I’ve never had any problems with either.

Her computer: I recently replaced the harddrive in her computer because she abuses it. Hitting a computer will not make it work. Of course, she denies this, too. I have no doubt it is now riddled with spyware and who knows what else.

What are you, the inquisition? If she denies it then take her at her word. I’m getting a feeling for why she doesn’t tell you anything. If you always treat her like a liar then she will surely become one. Take her at her word for once and treat her like an adult and I have a feeling she will eventually start living up to your expectations.

As for my stepdaughter in general: she tends to be selfish. It just kills her to do something nice for anyone unless there’s a reward involved.

Next time read the ENTIRE OP before you jump down someone’s throat.

Well, guess what? Everyone at that age is selfish. It’s part of how we learn to function in the world. I did read the ENTIRE OP and it still sounds like you’re making a mountail out of a molehill.

[robertliguori]

First: If the programmers included cheat codes, it was for a reason. Therefore, not using them is depriving yourself of the full wossnamy of the game. This is a fallacious argument, yes, but no more than yours.

Secondly, spyware, as has been pointed out, is eeeevil. It is entirely possible that your daughter didn’t tell it to install anything. Most likely she didn’t read the box carefully enough, but you don’t know.

[Mr.Blue_Sky]

*Originally posted by XJETGIRLX *I don’t see how her attitude towards her studies really matters. If you want her to succeed and take an interest in her own success I hardly see how taking away a research tool could be a great example of how much you care. She doesn’t sound particularly horrible or out of control to me. Quite the typical student, I would say.

Her idea of research is to find ways to NOT do the work herself. She once had the bright idea to download a research paper to turn in. I explained that some teachers will check the Net for cheaters and she could get caught. After much moaning, she scraped together something at the last minute.

Well, she’s an adult, isn’t she? You can lead a horse to water and all that. Either you give her the resources to study with or not, whether she chooses to make use of them wisely is really her business.

I HAVE given her the resources to do her work. She chooses not to use them wisely. Looking for a free download of Snoop Dogg’s latest hit is not going to help her in her English class.

I did read the fucking OP and I still don’t see how this is a big problem. I would recommend getting a better browser, as IE does that occaisionally anyways. Try Mozilla or Opera. Both are great, and I’ve never had any problems with either.

Read the OP AGAIN. I AM using Opera. I happen to like IE. There’s no need to start a platform war.

What are you, the inquisition? If she denies it then take her at her word. I’m getting a feeling for why she doesn’t tell you anything. If you always treat her like a liar then she will surely become one. Take her at her word for once and treat her like an adult and I have a feeling she will eventually start living up to your expectations.

I have been extremely nice to her and her brother. Since their mother resuses to discipline them, they do not respect me. Unless they want something.

Well, guess what? Everyone at that age is selfish. It’s part of how we learn to function in the world. I did read the ENTIRE OP and it still sounds like you’re making a mountail out of a molehill.

Everybody’s got to learn sometime that not everyone likes dealing with selfish people. This event is just another in a long line of problems with her. Again it’s not necessarily about the computer, it’s about her lying and refusing to take responsibility for her actions. She got a ticket once for running a stop sign. Of course, she didn’t really do it, the cop was just looking to write a ticket because he was bored. She tried to get her friend’s father, a cop, to fix it. When he wouldn’t (actually couldn’t due to a recent change in police policy on suchthings) she wouldn’t talk to her friend for a month.

So if my trying to help her (yes I AM trying), is making a mountail out a molehill, then so be it.

[yosemite]

*Originally posted by XJETGIRLX *
If you want her to succeed and take an interest in her own success I hardly see how taking away a research tool could be a great example of how much you care. She doesn’t sound particularly horrible or out of control to me. Quite the typical student, I would say.

This girl has her own computer. She can do research on it.

Either you give her the resources to study with or not, whether she chooses to make use of them wisely is really her business.

This girl has her own computer. If AOL is messing it up, you’d think that it would be in her best interests to consent to get it removed. I don’t believe that AOL has a stranglehold on useful information for schoolwork.

Look—I have a friend who is studying to be a nurse, and she does all her computer research on an old PowerMac 8100. That’s 80 MHz of power, there. 48 megs of RAM. That’s slow and ancient. And yet this nursing student is getting by, last I heard. I think that this girl could get by with her own computer. She should not have to rely on Mr. Blue Sky’s.

What are you, the inquisition? If she denies it then take her at her word.

Maybe he’s sick of doing that, and maybe he feels this is the straw that broke the camel’s back.

Well, guess what? Everyone at that age is selfish. It’s part of how we learn to function in the world. I did read the ENTIRE OP and it still sounds like you’re making a mountail out of a molehill.

I think it’s possible that the girl didn’t realize that she’d installed this spyware and therefore really didn’t know that she was responsible for it.

However, I see no great harm in making the kid use her own computer for a while. For whatever reason, Mr. Blue Sky’s computer is all messed up. The likely culprit seems to be this girl. Let her mess her own computer up for a while, and let him mess up his.

I have never “shared” a computer, and the few times I’ve let someone else use it while I’m away, they messed it up. I feel the same way—not because I am horribly anal (anyone who sees my housekeeping would know that) but because I figure that people can mess their own stuff, not mine.

Mr. Blue Sky is under no obligation to share his computer with someone who, for whatever reason, leaves it in a messed-up state.

I love my mother, but I don’t let her wear my clothes. Every time she does, every time, she gets a stain on it. I don’t think she’s being deliberately irresponsible—I really don’t know what is going on. All I know is, mother wearing clothes=stains on clothes. Therefore, mother doesn’t wear clothes. Simple.

I see no reason why I am obligated to allow my mother to wear my clothes (not that she’s insisting) and I see no reason why Mr. Blue Sky is oblgated to allow this girl to use his computer.

[Mr.Blue_Sky]

*Originally posted by robertliguori *
**First: If the programmers included cheat codes, it was for a reason. Therefore, not using them is depriving yourself of the full wossnamy of the game. This is a fallacious argument, yes, but no more than yours.

Secondly, spyware, as has been pointed out, is eeeevil. It is entirely possible that your daughter didn’t tell it to install anything. Most likely she didn’t read the box carefully enough, but you don’t know. **

Call me old school, but why can’t they just TRY to play the game for at least a few minutes before trying cheat codes?

Trust me, she didn’t read the dialog box at all. She saw a “yes” button and clicked it. How much of a hurry can she be in?

[The_Mad_Hermit]

Posted by XJETGIRLX
Well, guess what? Everyone at that age is selfish. It’s part of how we learn to function in the world. I did read the ENTIRE OP and it still sounds like you’re making a mountail out of a molehill.

On preview: What’s a mountail?

Yes, everyone at that age is selfish. She’s 21- why do you even bother? She should be out on her own if she knows everything. Let her pay for her own damn computer and internet portal; then you can control what gets put on your computer.

If you aren’t a tech-savvy person do you know how much time and effort is involved in removing viruses and spyware? It’s not cheap if you’re not ready for it.

Irresponsible internet use has risks to the computer being used to browse. If she won’t use the computer responsibly; don’t let her use it. Would you give her the keys to the car if she wanted to go downtown and get some crack?

I am irritated by the same problem the OP has; my sons are into doing the same things and the younger one will accept any download as long as he gets his music or cheats. He hates me because I won’t allow him to install AIM on my system and spend his evenings on my computer chatting with random girls. (Can’t blame him there, but I need my computer.) The problem about using my computer was solved when my older son moved back in with his computer; the thing is riddled with spyware and they use KaZaa, which they’ve been warned about. I ran Spybot for them and found 354 trojans! It doesn’t seem to matter to them.

This just shows me a lack of respect. If you make a mess, shouldn’t you clean it up? The OP’s step-daughter made a mess of his computer- if she won’t clean it up, she shouldn’t use it. It’s simple if you look at it that way.

[The_Mad_Hermit]

*Originally posted by Mr. Blue Sky *
**Call me old school, but why can’t they just TRY to play the game for at least a few minutes before trying cheat codes?

**

The developers use cheat codes so that they can test elements of the game without having to waste time playing through all the other elements.

One example: If you want to test the battle with the Big Boss and you have to traverse the whole game level to get to him, it helps to be in God mode so that the monsters in between don’t kill you before you get there.

yosemitebabe has some good points too.

[CarnalK]

SHE is happy to be emotionally abusive to her mother. Her mother is not, but won’t do anything about it. Not much I can do about that. I have offered suggestions to my wife.

Your wife may say that but actions speak louder than words.

[istara]

I totally sympathise with the OP. My flat is a wreck and a pit of mess and dirt, but both my computers are pristine.

Is it not possible to set up a Guest login on your computer with extremely limited privileges - exluding any program installation - and have her use that login if she desperately needs to use your PC? I don’t know exactly what is available for PCs as I’m more of a Mac person, but can you create a kiosk-type of situation, where all the user can do is browse the web?

Incidentally, always run both AdAware and SpyBot Search and Destroy, never rely on just one. I cleaned up a friend’s PC earlier this evening, and it was just stunning what AdAware (latest updated ref file etc) missed and SpyBot picked up instead. Then as a final check: http://housecall.trendmicro.com

[cbtcad]

*Originally posted by Mr. Blue Sky *
**As for AOL, she absolutely refuses to get rid of it. I offered to her the opportunity to use my computer (I use Comcast via a cable modem) and even upgrade her computer by adding it to the service, but she doesn’t want to. The only reason she keeps AOL, is that she can talk with her friends with AOL’s IM service. I would understand this, but she rarely even uses her computer, for school or anything else. She goes to school at Georgia Southern (Armstrong Atlantic not being good enough) and she stays with her grandparents (they live halfway between here and Statesboro) for 3-4 days per week. The rest of the week, when she’s not working, she’s sleeping, watching TV, or playing video games. Not a whole lot of time for school, apparently.

**

A minor hijack, but does she know that the AIM application from AOL lets you talk to people that are using AOL? With that she can still talk with her friends even if she gets rid of AOL.

Also, as an Armstrong student myself, I find many locals who go to GSU rather than AASU do so in order to go “away” for college. Perhaps that had somethign to do with it?

[superstar]

I hear you Mr. Blue Sky. But I don’t think it has anything to do with the actual computer.
Being a step-parent is hard, and sometimes you find yourself picking on everything your step-child does. Why? I don’t know. They just shit you sometimes.

There is always tension, and the fact that you can’t take complete control of the situation makes you more angry.
I am both a step-parent and am also a step-child. I now have more sympathy for my step-dad, but also know that he WAS picking on me, and that it wasn’t that I didn’t wash my cup up right or didn’t sort the colours from the whites properly, I just got under his skin as a general rule. And I reacted poorly, and that just made matters worse.
When you start a new realtionship it’s supposed to be just the 2 of you for a while, then you decide to have children and raise them together… all that has been taken away from you.

Mr Blue Sky, how long have you been together? Do you have your own kids?

We all have differing moral codes and thresh holds for everything. If one parent has a longer one you will get shitty before them.
My step-son, who I actually adore and we have a good relationship (he is 9 and we’ve been together 2 years) talks to his mother in a way that I would never allow. And argues his chores and duties. That kills me. And he is a messy bastard and I’m not.

Check out why your step-daughter really pisses you off. It’s not just the computer thing you will find.
No-one likes to think they are being an asshole or are being unreasonable, especially to a child, but it happens and step-parents are often gulity of it. Be honest with your partner and come to an arrangement and set up some rules/boundaries.

I work on it everyday.

[Guinastasia]

Um, why are you “disciplining” her at all-she’s 21 fucking years old!

[Mr.Blue_Sky]

To superstar and Guinastasia:

Mrs. Blue Sky and I have been married for over 8 years. In her previous marriage, her ex wasn’t much of a husband or a father. She was the one to handle any disciplinary problems. As I stated earlier, she doesn’t like confrontations. She’d rather have peace at any cost. When we first got married, we had agreed on sharing the discipline duties. However, whenever I tried to do something, she would agree at first and then reverse whatever I had set down. Even something as simple as sending them to their room for a time-out. Her reasoning? It will upset them. Well, duh! That’s the point. They are supposed to learn that when they do something wrong, they will get punished. They are supposed to get upset. That way they shouldn’t do that thing again.

This has led to a lack of respect for both of us. For me, I was being de-balled right in front of their eyes. I could set down a punishment that they would know she would reverse. She didn’t punish them at all. Say what you will, but children need rules and set boundaries, otherwise they have no guidelines to follow. When they become adults, they’ll be in for a nasty surprise when the person doing the disciplining is wearing a badge or a long black robe and mommy won’t be able to fix it.

As for the 21 year old, it’s the old “you live in my house, you follow my rules” schtick. As I said before, she pretty much comes and goes as she pleases. She has no responsibilities, yet she sees fit to whine and complain when things don’t go her way. She has no concept of the feelings of others.

She can be a pleasant person when she wants to be. Unfortunately, about 95% of this stems from her desire to gain something for herself.

It’s the lack of discipline and rules that has caused this, I believe. I really don’t know what to do other than sit back and watch it happen.

[yosemite]

*Originally posted by Mr. Blue Sky *
It’s the lack of discipline and rules that has caused this, I believe. I really don’t know what to do other than sit back and watch it happen.

I personally think that it is cruel to allow someone else to continue to be so clueless about how the World Really Works.

When someone is raised with the philosophy of “better not say ‘no,’ it’ll be upsetting,” they can end up being kind of a mess. This kind of upbringing can lead to a 20-something (or in some cases, a 30-something) person going out in the Real World with no clue how to deal with it. They think that the World Revolves Around Them. This leads to them being fired from jobs, screwing up relationships, and humiliating themselves in public with their outrageous behavior and extreme sense of entitlement. It’s one thing for a 10-year-old to not know these basic things—we cut slack for 10-year-olds. But when someone is 21 and above? No one feels the need to cut slack. And for such a person, the world can be a very, very hard place to be. It’s humiliating to finally learn something at age 21+ that most 14-year-olds already know.

Because this step-daughter isn’t being allowed to learn these basic lessons, she’s going to have a rude awakening later. She’ll suffer much pain when this happens, and I think that it’s cruel to not try to help her avoid this future pain. I think Mr. Blue Sky is trying to help prepare her for the Real World, but he’s not being allowed to.

[Mr.Blue_Sky]

What’s baffling, sort of, is that Mrs. Blue Sky is a teacher in a private school. She sees examples of clueless parents EVERY DAY. She doesn’t cut her students much slack. She’s caught several students truning in reports downloaded off the Net, kids who forge their parents’ name on papers, etc.

I guess it’s like the cobbler whose children are shoeless or the mechanic whose car is falling apart.

A prime example of why you shouldn’t shelter your children this much is my younger brother. He’s 37 and living with our parents. He has to get our 68 year old father to take him to work because his license was suspended for one year from his 4th DUI. It will take him another three years to pay off the back-child support for his four children. His 19-year old daughter already has two children and is living on Welfare. The cycle continues. Will he EVER straighten out his life? I doubt it.

[Cortana]

Your best bet is to stop using IE. Using another browser like Mozilla Firebird will add a large hurdle to popups, sites ‘magically’ installing crap like gator, and such.

It’ll take you a day or two to get used to the differences (and there’s a good chance you’ll like it better).